for whether you're dateable.
- It might be worth posting it along with some proof that you did also get significant nu mber of matches on hinge, just not the type you're looking for .
- You can choose to just accept the status hit, but it' s better if you have clear reas oning for why you're doing it, which I don't. Because of first point above (most people can't make good recommendations with the limited data), the odds of finding a partner this way are not high.
- More generally yeah I do still want to try a b unch of tricks on my hinge prof ile first, before I try other m ethods.
---
2025-08-11
To do for self
- simplify this docu ment, some core ideas are repet itive
- use "show not tell", u se more photos/videos for each point instead of sentences. Lma o maybe I have just derived fro m first principles why dating a pps use photos and not text. It 's possible the idea of a text- only document here is a bad ide a.
- I seem to lack clarity on whether this document is writt en to my future self or my futu re partner, both imply somewhat different documents.
# Date m e
*Referral bonus: If you intr oduce me to someone I end up pa rtnered with for atleast 5 year s, I will pay you $2000. If we' re partnered for atleast witg 1 year, I will pay you $500. To claim reward, make sure to keep a copy of our chats and a copy of this webpage as proof, as I might forget otherwise.*
[Som e videos of me](this_link_is_no w_broken)
- includes solo vide os and with others
- includes professional and personal conte xt
[Some photos of me](this_li nk_is_now_broken)
- includes s olo photos in personal context
[Contact me](this_link_is_now_ broken)
- I value novelty high ly so if you're interested in m e romantically, you should prob ably reach out even if the crit eria below don't match.
- Cost of failure is very low from yo ur point of view, I would appre ciate the attempt even if it fa ils.
Disclaimer
- I am well a ware that most people see analy sing relationships to this exte nt as atypical.
- I like doi ng it for reasons of curiosity.
- Also I benefit from doing it.
- Atleast half the points here probably benefit from a " show not tell" approach.
- S olution: Might upload photos/vi deos. Content relevant to each point.
- It's difficult for me to predict what a hypothetical future partner might value or disvalue.
- It varies person -to-person and I obviously can' t pre-emptively guess every pos sible filter someone might test me against.
- What you appr eciate (or don't appreciate) ab out me might be very different from what I choose to write abo ut myself on.
- Solution: Cr iteria below are mostly from a book. Am open to more data on t his.
- Solution: Might uploa d photos/videos. Lots of conten t instead of trying to guess wh ich content is best.
- Solut ion: Meet irl / video call.
- Some important information may be non-verbal such as body lang uage.
- Solution: See my pho tos/videos.
- Solution: Meet irl / video call.
- A lot of this type of information seems more relevant to online dating as there is very little pre-exi sting context. A lot of this in fo get implicitly figured out i n irl meetups.
- Atleast from my end, I've realised "Date Me" text documents are not a good way of filtering beyond basic c riteria.
- Filters are mostl y about blacklist, I don't know how to whitelist using text-ba sed filters.
- Solution: Sen d me your photos/videos
- So lution: Meet irl/video call
## (My guesses of) Your filters
Information about me you may (o r may not) use as a filter, whe n deciding to date me.
- Menta l health
- Average / below a verage. I'm aware this can be a major impediment to finding a partner, and am working to impr ove it. Will update this docume nt once it's improved.
- Physi cal health, Physical attraction
- Decent physical health, e xercise regularly.
- Not bui lding muscles as it's not my pr iority. (Can change this if som eone gives a good reason why.)
- See my photos/videos.
- S ocial status
- My proofs of social status
- Videos wit h friends linked above. Feel fr ee to schedule chats with peopl e in my social circle.
- V ideos of work-related stuff I p robably have saved somewhere, w ill have to find if you want th em.
- Videos/photos of pas t relationships not shared due to privacy reasons. Might share some stories if I trust you en ough.
- As weak proof for co mpetence at some skill or respe ct from many people
- Have n't yet found any communities I would like to long-term stick to, where I can earn significan t respect or competence. I've d one this in the past but curren tly no.
- I work very hard to not be affected by the opin ions of others. I see many stat us hierarchies in society as fu ndamentally broken as they are premised on lies.
- There is more nuance which I can't ta lk about in short.
- Within certain bounds, I think social status is a reasonable filter t o use for deciding who to date. If it your primary filter thou gh, we're probably not a good f it.
- [I'm assuming you use social status as a filter to en sure that:
- I won't threa ten your physical safety or use it as leverage to coerce you i nto doing something you don't w ant to do.
- I do atleast partically understand implicit norms of society, and that if I choose not to fit in it is oft en by choice rather than ignora nce or compulsion.]
- Finances
- Due to combination of mul tiple factors (birth lottery, g enes, hard work) I am not in fi nancial difficulty and unlikely to be in future. You can see m y other documents for more on t his.
- I don't spend on a l ot of consumerist stuff though. There might be a mismatch in o ur spending habits and lifestyl e. I don't care about this but there's a possibility you might .
- Intelligence / executive f unction
- Fairly high execut ive function atleast while my m ental health is fine. Have comp leted multiple independent task s, including completing degree, working at multiple companies, working on solo software proje cts and so on.
- Aesthetics
- I don't care a lot about aes thetics. I could be motivated t o put a little effort into it f or your sake (if you happen to care about it) but probably not a lot of effort.
- Protective ness
- I'm aware physical sa fety is a much bigger concern f or women than it is for men. (I have forgotten about this in t he past though, will try to be more mindful in the future.)
- Atleast in my own personal l ife, I see entering conflicts a s a significant sink of time an d energy. I avoid most conflict s for this reason, and am very careful about picking which con flicts to enter. I don't let eg o or short-term emotions be the primary reason to pick conflic ts.
- If you are facing or e ntering some conflict, I could be significantly protective of you in it. (Ask me past example s lol I have some stories.) Alt hough again, in the long-term I would generally expect you to reconfigure your life in a way that does not require me to reg ularly spend my time and energy involved in your conflicts.
- Exceptions exist. There are nuances here that are hard to s ummarise.
- Conscientiousness
- This document itself is pr obably some basic proof that ye ah I am willing to put in signi ficant effort to find mutually beneficial solutions, in case o f a conflict. If I do take a si gnificant move like breaking up , I probably have put a fair am ount of thought into it.
- Phy sical attraction
- Past sexual experience
- Won't discuss in detail on a public document, ask me privately.
- Learned this from books lol. Also I've mostly received positive feedb ack from previous partmers.
- I find "actually wanting the other person to have a good tim e" to be more important than ju st "not technically violating c onsent".
- I would rather op timise other person's long-term interests than their short-ter m interests. For instance if yo u give consent but I have a str ong guess you'll later come to regret it, then I would rather not do it.
## My filters
Her e's the basic criteria that I'm looking for from my end:
- id eal relationship type: straight , polyamorous, medium to longte rm relationship. children - don t know
- If you're intereste d in me but want something diff erent from this, just ask.
- [Since I'm fairly busy nowaday s, I'm unlikely to spend lots o f time searching for a relation ship that's not my ideal in the first place. But that doesn't mean I'll say no if you ask.]
- place: current place - any ci ty in India. future place - may be SF. (can change in future)
- can shift for relationship but I should like the city. if shifting, may also need visa wi thout taking fulltime job.
- t ime: <= 1 day/week, need alone time, need time to work. (can c hange in future)
- ideal if you also have other sources of emotional support / advice / sh ared activities / etc than me ( easier to do if poly imo)
- mo ney: separate finances for firs t 5 years. can date someone out side my class despite additiona l challenges.
- values: authen tic, emotionally vulnerable, in dividualist, atheist, altruisti c (match not required), somewha t ambitious (match not required )
- should understand these parts of me even if you aren't similar yourself
- tell me u pfront from day one if you thin k your family or social circle is likely to negatively affect the relationship in future. I c an probably self-modify a littl e but not a lot to fit into you r circle. Nuances exist, hard t o summarise.
- personality: in trovert (match not required), h igh curiosity, intellectual (ma tch not required), high opennes s-to-experience, high risk-tole rance, very direct communicatio n style (can tone this down on request but only to some extent ), can put significant one-side d efforts if required
- social circle: you dont have to fit i nto any of my social circles, o r feel pressured to self-modify to do so
- physical attractio n
- lifestyle: not balanced (m atch not required)
- social ci rcle: (match not required)
- h obbies: (match not required)
- travelling, board games (che ss, catan), music (rap, rock, n ightcore, etc), books (nonficti on), open to new hobbies, espec ially hobbies that are easy to carry around
- everything else : (match not required)
- I'm probably okay with: difference in socioeconomic class, differ ence in level of education, sig nificant age gap, your physical or mental health issues, diffe rent hobbies, different lifesty le
Relationship advice I agree with
- I'm sympathetic to the perspective that relationships are built not found. As long a s we align in a few core ways, I'd be willing to overlook a lo t of other potential misalignme nt.
- I'm sympathetic to [Paul Graham's advice](https://paulg raham.com/greatwork.html) on wo rk-life balance.
> Don't marr y someone who doesn't understan d that you need to work, or see s your work as competition for your attention. If you're ambit ious, you need to work; it's al most like a medical condition; so someone who won't let you wo rk either doesn't understand yo u, or does and doesn't care.
U ncertainty: Alighment of core v alues
- I'm generally unsure o n the importance of alignment o f core values in a marriage.
- In general I find only a few p eople who share my core values and beliefs, and only a few peo ple who share my lifestyle.
- I would like the freedom to mak e significant changes to my cor e values and beliefs and lifest yle even after getting married. An extreme example of this wou ld be someone who converts thei r religion many years after get ting married.
- In my experien ce alignment of thought process on day-to-day decisions can be just as important as alignment of thought process on the big decisions. I sometimes find it difficult to spend significant amounts of time with someone wh o makes their day-to-day decisi ons using a thought process ver y different from mine. I find t his much easier to do if I spen d a smaller amount of time with them, and also spend time with others.
- I want more data on successful examples of marriag es that maintain a high level o f independence for both partner s.
- Being polyamorous might m ake it easier to stay together despite differences in values. I'm unsure about this.
# Comme nts
- Anon, paraphrased - 5 y ears is too long IMO
- Samue l - I can see why you'd want to be paid sooner. Fixed!
text_english/person al/main/like_a_kite_dancing_in_ a_hurricane.md 000644 0007 65 000024 00000003205 1523271 6246 026256 0 ustar 00sa muel s taff 000000 000000 202 6-07-31
# Like a kite dancing in a hurricane
Disclaimer
- p ersonal
- target audience - st rictly myself
- Got bored henc e making bad attempt at writing poetry. Wrote in 30 min I thin k? idk
Like a kite dancing in a hurricane
Like the low ring ing bell for the lowest tide
that warns you about the waves taller than skyscrapers
Like the implosion of glass that fr actally shards
Like the drumm ing of tracks against the grave l
when two trains race past e ach other
Like the fault lin es between two continental shel fs
Like the recoil of a hand pistol
while its bullet penet rates stomach lining
Like lo cking your phone in an airtight bag
before you enter the oil rig
Like the disintegration of carbon fiber polymer
when the satellite burns on re-entry
Like a binary system of two neutron stars
smaller than a city but can vaporise the eart h
Like the reverb at the back of the hall
of a hundred ins truments playing in perfect sym phony
Like the deafening roa r of a machine gun in battle
Like the hollowing out of your soul
while you watch them die
Like manufacturing acid ana logues
in an abandoned missil e silo
Like a bacteriophage p ulling
a thousand times its o wn weight
Like the ocarina a t the end of time
sleeping ye t lying awake in wait
For her patience knows no bounds
Th e perfect trap laid
she shall wait
a thousand years in the blink of an eye
But you wil l fall
and you shall suffer
and you will break
And you will be remade
lol lmao you a bsolute dumbfuck no you will ju st die what kind of game do you think you're playing?
You sh all die and that is all that wi ll be. Que sera sera
t ext_english/personal/main/I_am_ fairly_high_on_protectiveness_f or_a_potential_partner.md 000644 000765 000024 0 0000003641 15205021113 033312 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 00000 0 2026-05-25
# I am fairly high on protectivenes s, for a potential partner
Dis claimer
- personal
- target a udience - strictly myself
Main
- Yesterday I made a note try ing to notice what ways are wom en different from men, especial ly in romantic context, excludi ng sex and intimacy.
- One of the points I mentioned was rega rding protectiveness, men are s omewhat protective of women by default (in a way they aren't a s protective of other men), and women reciprocally tend to app reciate said protectiveness.
- I think protectiveness is one trait of mine I can imagine som e women valuing a lot?
- Like, from my point of view, being p rotective just looks obvious, b ut when I compare myself to oth er men I can imagine I am proba bly at one end of the spectrum.
- Like, I can basically decid e to risk my life to protect so meone I care about, in a very s hort span of time. Definitely w ithin a few hours, possibly eve n within a few minutes.
- My f irst loyalty is still to myself and my goals, I don't think I' ve ever loved anyone enough to be willing to die for them. But my second loyalty is to a hand ful of close people, and I thin k I am actually willing to go a lot further than most people, in an actual emergency scenario .
- I am very rational about i t. I don't get into stupid figh ts. I have zero interest in mal e aggression contests and postu ring and status-seeking and wha tnot. Often the correct move, a tleast in actual physical confl icts, is to disengage and move on. But yeah, I think I am more rational than the average pers on when it comes to life-or-dea th decisions.
- When I say pro tectiveness I also don't mean s exual jealousy obviously. I am literally poly, which means (I think) I am okay with my partne r having sex with other men. I specifically mean protectivenes s in the sense of - if my partn er's life / money / loved ones / etc are in immediate danger, how willing I am to invest effo rt or fight in order to protect those things.
text_english/p ersonal/main/I_am_straight.md 000644 000765 000024 00000001136 15 177753505 022067 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-04-02
# I am straight
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- **NSFW - descriptions of sex**
Main
- I had gay sex with mu ltiple people, just out of curi osity. I seek novelty in life t o a fairly high degree, hence t his.
- To protect privacy of o ther people involved, can't get into lots of details here.
- Main learnings from my side:
- I am now pretty confident el iminating the hypothesis "I hav en't found the right partner" o r similar, and I am now pretty confident in the much simpler h ypothesis "I am straight."
- Big difference betwen orgasmin g, and actually enjoying an exp erience.
- Done
text_english/personal/main/s tay_with_a_sober_roommate.md 000644 000765 00002 4 00000003272 15177753505 0247 30 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 0 00000 2026-04-28
## Update
- I override this p ost. I have managed to stay sob er for 3 months without any roo mmate. I have other factors pus hing me towards staying alone. I will continue staying alone, ideally until I find either a c ofounder I am happy with or a g irlfriend I am happy with, but at the very least for the next three months.
2026-03-03
# St ay with a sober roommate
Discl aimer
- **Quick Note**
Main
- Multiple empirical datapoints from your personal life last m onth saying this is by far the single most effective way for y ou to stay sober, given your cu rrent immediate situation. If t he roommate has some context on your ASI risk stuff that's a p lus, but even that is not compl etely necessary. If the roommat e is a friend that is a strong plus, because atleast then they non-zero care about your strug gles.
- Also remove all trigge rs from your environment, avoid visiting places where you cons umed substances before, avoidin g visiting people who you consu me substances with. Prefer infr equent video calls if you don't want to lose those friendships completely.
- (update 2026-03 -02) Ended up throwing a book a nd a belt and ashtrays and stuf f away, not because there was a nything wrong with the book or the belt, but because I bought those while drunk and don't wan t to be reminded of those memor ies when I look at what's in my room. honestly if it gets too bad, I'll shift rooms
- (updat e 2026-03-03) Also, I have sent many people I know a list of m essages I regret sending while under influence. That way they are also reminded why exactly I want to quit. And I will lose even more self-esteem if I cont inue consuming.
update (2026-0 3-12)
- Need to wait 2 weeks a lone, for more roommates. So be it.
text_engli sh/personal/main/group_chat_for _themed_restaurants.md 000 644 000765 000024 0000000222 7 15177753505 026301 0 u star 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-31
# Group chat for themed restaurants?
Discla imer
- **Quick Note**
Main
- Just visited a themed restaura nt. I liked it. Unfortunately i t was empty because Indians don 't pay that much of a premium f or such experiences, so there's a high likelihood it will even tually shut down. (Unless AI-in duced mass automation hits in n ext 1-2 years itself, skipping that tangent for now.)
- Vietn am has a number of themed resta urants and bars and stuff I lik ed a lot. I probably have notes somewhere, not bringing them u p now.
- Delhi NCR has this th emed mall called Grand Venice M all I used to love. It is in a bad location though so nobody v isits.
- If I got rich, I will pay someone to phone call all these people and find out who d esigned each of these, and get them all in group chat together .
- Next step after putting th em in a chat I don't know. Mayb e someone of them will partner up for future projects. Maybe s ome real estate investors shoul d also included. I don't know a ll these details right now, and I'm not prioritising figuring it out right now.
- This is th e type of project that is worth doing only if I have guarantee that ASI won't level the plane t.
main/X_p layed_a_chess_tournament_Y_gett ing_your_ass_kicked_by_10_year_ olds_is_surprisingly_fun.md 0 00644 000765 000024 00000000 626 15240504220 041421 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text _english/personal 2026-08-17
# X: Played a chess tournament. Y: Getting your ass kicked by 10 year old s is surprisingly fun.
Disclai mer
- personal
- target audie nce - strictly myself
Main
- Title self-explanatory.
- I wa s also a bit surprised that eve ry single FIDE-rated match is p ublic record online. I was unsu re if I should post this but th en I was like, wait this is pub lic information (or will soon b e) anyway.
text_en glish/personal/main/consensual_ transparency_versus_nonconsensu al_transparency.md 000644 000765 000024 0000000 5773 15177753505 033440 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-21
# Consensu al transparency versus non-cons ensual transparency
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- **Contain s politically sensitive info**
Main
- Possible wor lds:
- 1: Elites have privac y, public has privacy.
- 1b: Elites have privacy, public ha s privacy from each other, but public is surveilled by some el ites.
- 2: Elites are transp arent, public has privacy
- 2b Elites are transparent, publ ic has privacy from each other, but public is surveilled by so me elites.
- 3: Elites have privacy, public is transparent
- 4: Elites are transparent, public is transparent
- In pr actice we live in 1b
- Assumin g the worlds were obtained via consent of everyone involved, m y preference order: 4 > 2 > 3 > 1, 1b
- In short I love tra nsparency and dislike privacy, assuming consent is obtained.
- However, the problem is I wan t to force a world transition u sing force instead of by obtain ing consent.
- I am basicall y endorsing shifting the world more from 1b to 2b, and doing i t using force instead of by obt aining consent.
- In theory, I could shift the world from 3 b to 4 directly, using force in stead of by obtaining consent. 4 is indeed better than 3b. The problem with doing this is lac k of consent, and not uncertain ty over whether 4 is better tha n 3b or not.
Update
- **I disagree with this whol e writeup.** I strongly dislike the whole "class war" mindset that says elites don't deserve privacy but public does. I love elites. Fuck the public.
- ** My stance is that elites buildi ng ASI don't deserve to have th eir consent respected. This is a different stance from saying that all elites don't deserve t o have their consent respected. **
- I am aware that people wi ll use my type of reasoning to go after many other elites for all sorts of dumb political rea sons.
- Some left-leaning Lo ser will go after billionaires who are too right-leaning simpl y because they are too right-le aning.
- Another right-leani ng Loser will go after billiona ires who are too left-leaning s imply because they are too left -leaning.
- Fuck all these p eople. No, seriously, fuck all these people.
- I think this i s definitely a big bottleneck f or me, morally.
- Most of th e people I meet who endorse pol itical violence are losers of t he highest order. They are not being violent for a worthwhile cause.
- If I am violent for a worthwhile cause, I will als o inspire a lot of people to be violent for causes I don't thi nk are worthwhile.
- **To do - think more here**
- The rea son I am not attacking the publ ic is because they are powerles s and attacking them won't help with anything, and **not** bec ause I respect the public. I sh it on the public.
- Most of th e public only wants privacy to play petty reputation games wit h their friends and family, and doesn't care about anything bi gger. Fuck all these people.
- I need to learn to think more like a politician or billionair e, and less like a member of my class. I don't respect all pol iticians and billionaires, but I atleast respect some of them.
text_english/person al/main/listening_to_womens_pro blems_makes_me_feel_alive.md 000644 0007 65 000024 00000001405 1521403 7464 031310 0 ustar 00sa muel s taff 000000 000000 202 6-06-15
# Listening to women's problems makes me feel alive
Disclaimer
- personal
- targe t audience - strictly myself
M ain
- Refer to your private no tes for multiple datapoints ove r the past couple of years. Thi s hypothesis is backed by a fai r amount of data, it is not pur ely theoretical
- Do things th at make you feel alive. Listeni ng to women's problems seems to be one of those things apparen tly.
- I am not necessarily a **good** listener. I am aware t here are levels to listening sk ill far above mine.
- But this makes me feel good. Makes me f eel like a person.
- For whate ver reason, I find it easier to care for women than men. It do esn't necessarily even have to be in a romantic context tbh, s ome of my datapoints here are i n a non-romantic context.
te xt_english/personal/main/which_ conversations_do_I_actually_see m_to_enjoy.md 000644 000765 000024 00 000021524 15214151276 031133 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-06-16
# Whi ch conversations do I actually seem to enjoy?
Disclaimer
- p ersonal
- target audience - st rictly myself
- A lot of the c laims below are backed by empir ical data from my own life. - T his is **important**
Main
- I would clearly be a significant ly less angry and neurotic pers on if I talked to people more o ften. However, I also seem incr easingly choosy about which con versations I actually like, a l ot of conversations tend to bor e me terribly nowadays.
- I li ke conversations with women mor e than men.
- Even outside o f a romantic context. Actually, maybe *especially* outside of a romantic context. I think I w ould have better female friends if I had an OFF switch for the part of my brain that wants to have sex with them, unfortunat ely no such switch exists. Like , a lot of women fall into the category of a) I like listening to them talk about their probl ems and b) part of me wants to have sex with them and c) I am not that excited about getting into a relationship with them ( as in like, I respect how their mind works but not enough to b e excited by it or fall in love or similar). If I had an off s witch for b, I could do more of a, and I think this might help me. I have tried suppressing m y desire for b to try and maint ain friendships with women but it doesn't really work, so now I don't try. (All this assumes 1 to 1 context where you meet r egularly.)
- I like listening to people's problems.
- Agai n, for whatever reason, I find it easier to listen to women's problems than men.
- I also like listening to men's problem s, to be clear. This also makes me happy.
- I think with so me of my male friends we have r eached the "disagree but accept " point regarding my ASI risk b eliefs, such that neither of us feels that judged when sharing their problems with the other person. Even so, not many peopl e are willing to listen to my s hit, but I am still willing to listen to theirs, atleast once in a while.
- I remember one house painter I met back in Ar unachal I think, he talked abou t how people in his town in Aru nachal treat him nicely but peo ple in Kolkata or Guwahati don' t. I like hearing stuff like th is. I don't know, maybe lower c lass men are more willing to sh are their feelings about things more quickly? I don't know tho ugh, I will have to go look at my notes to confirm something l ike this, it sounds plausible t o me. [1]
- I hate group conve rsations with a burning passion .
- Groups tend to systemati cally derail conversations abou t anything that is actually imp ortant.
- I have a theory fo r why this happens, but the the ory is not as important as the empirical observation. The theo ry is just yeah, with 1 to 1 co nversation it is easier to nego tiate when you actually feel sa fe enough to share something, o ften you can look at body langu age and implicitly judge things . With 3 people this is still p ossible. With 4 or more, this b ecomes much harder, so it is ea sy for atleast one person to ju st assume not everyone is okay with the topic, and just derail the convo.
- I am very choosy about intellectual conversatio ns nowadays.
- Most intellec tual conversations also bore me nowadays. As in, I can partici pate in them, but I don't enjoy then, they don't make me happy . They engage a completely diff erent part of my brain as compa red to the one I want engaged, if I want to be happy.
- Esp ecially after encountering the whole EA/LW worldview, some top ics just seem not that importan t anymore, a lot of things in m y head fit into a coherent worl dview. Like someone will talk a bout climate change and I will be like, ok here's why this is not important. Someone else wil l talk about fertility crisis a nd I will be like, here's where this fits into my worldview. S omeone else will talk about int erstellar travel and I will. be like, okay here's why this doe sn't matter.
- To be clear, I did this sort of prioritisati on even before encountering EA/ LW, it's just that EA/LW accele rated the process.
- Nowaday s if I actually want to learn a bout topics, I need to talk to people who have atleast put in a few months of serious effort studying the thing. Only then d o I find myself capable of lear ning new information from them. For instance if someone has ju st casually read blog posts abo ut solar, I am not going to lea rn much from them. If they have done a degree in solar energy, then I can probably learn a fa ir deal of useful info.
- Ev entually though at some point y ou do also realise that maybe y ou don't want them to offer you a full class in the conversati on itself, they can just refer you to some material. And then I'm like, okay right now I want to study cybersecurity not sol ar lol. And the material will s it untouched.
- Lots of peop le (especially in my circles) t reat intellectual conversation as a fun social game as opposed to an activity with civilisati on-defining consequences, and I dislike this. I have become a lot more utilitarian about this (not like, full bentham-style utilitarianism but atleast half way there), because I know how much effort it is for me to get novel and important and true i nsights about anything.
- I might like conversations about important books. For instance, if someone says they liked a bo ok about Kant or Dosteovsky or whatever, I might like listenin g to their insights on it. I do n't know, maybe the underlying pattern here is also the same, if someone has actually bothere d to read a entire book about a topic, they might have a novel insight about the topic. Other wise though I just ask them to give me a good sales pitch for why I should read the book, and it goes into my reading list w hich again I often don't touch (but sometimes do).
- I don't enjoy conversation about hobbie s much.
- This could include travel or food or shopping or music or sports or whatever.
- Sometimes if a topic is quit e novel to me, I might like lis tening to it a few times, befor e eventualy getting bored of th at too.
- Some of my above pre ferences get altered when I am not sober.
- I want to under stand why I found socialising s o much easier back when I was n ot fully sober. I am sober now (and will stay sober) and hence find this much harder.
- Ma ybe one factor is that right no w I have very long-term oriente d view. When not sober, I have lower impulse control and more desire for instant gratificatio n. Other people seem to derive value out of me having lower im pulse control because it is nov elty and entertainment for them , heck it might even be novelty and entertainment for part of me to see other parts of me do this.
- I mean there is also the factor of just, you alread y have higher dopamine or whate ver so you are less reliant on the conversation to give you th e same high. Even shit conversa tions become more tolerable.
- I don't know, I think there is something core I am missing here that I don't fully underst and.
- Yet another hypothesi s, I seem to have this "two hou r fog" when I am sober. Like, I am in a sort of permanent mala ise and monofocus as a result o f my beliefs of ASI risk, I fee l (my projection of) the weight of all of civilisation on my h ead, this sort of overwhelming responsibility. Whereas if I en gage in any activity for two ho urs, could be dancing, could be sauna, could be listening to a talk irl, eventually the fog f ades and I am again capable of experiencing happiness from wha tever is in front of me again. If not sober, I can erase the f og more easily (although eventu ally that too became its own ty pe of intense suffering, not ge tting into detail here). If I h ear some experience someone els e has with suffering, I can era se the fog more easily.
- Ta lking about being not sober is a trigger for me. Note to self - I am happy I have managed to stay sober for 4 months. This i s an accomplishment and I shoul d be happy about it. I am happy about it.
Main 2
- Lmao I wa s just looking at the above lis t I have. I am becoming more li ke a psychologist lmao. I want to understand how people's mind s work. I want to understand th e depths of human suffering. I don't know, maybe I should prop erly go skim an actual degree i n psychology and see which part s of it I like. The problem is again, the interesting parts of psychology are practical not t heoretical. But maybe, I should read some stuff anyway.
[1] Side Note
- Is there a more po lite sounding phrase for "lower class"? idk. I don't think phr ases like "working class" or "b lue collar" capture what I am a ctually talking about here, the y sound far too americanised. M aybe "labour class" but that so unds too technical lol. Like ye ah, the important factor is whe ther you are valued for physica l versus intellectual labour, n ot how much money you make. If you are don't make money from i ntellectual labour, you don't v alue education in the same way (you see education as a thing y our kids need, to make money; n ot as a thing you personally ne ed to become a more complete pe rson). I mean I have totally me t lower class people who are in tellectually curious as well, t his exists, it is just not the norm.
main/I_t hink_atleast_5_percent_of_men_w ant_to_be_rapists_because_my_pa st_self_can_relate_to_them.md 0 00644 000765 000024 00000005 215 15234157440 041715 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text _english/personal 2026-08-03
# I think a tleast 5% of men want to be rap ists because my past self can r elate to them
Disclaimer
- pe rsonal
- target audience - str ictly myself
- I am deliberate ly writing taboo things because why the hell not. I have come this far, might as well write t he remaining stuff.
Main
- I wrote elsewhere that I think at least 5% of men want to be rapi sts, and the threat of going to prison is the only thing stopp ing them.
- I think part of th e reason I believe that is that my past self from teeange can actually relate to them.
- I w ill write something here, I hop e it is not too deanonymising:
- I definitely had multiple experiences in middle school of people cheating on various tes ts by asking me for the answers .
- I did at some point cons ider asking people for things l ike showing me their boobs in r eturn for the answers.
- Is it technically possible for som eone in my shoes to have made s ome version of this work, yes. Would I have been able to make it work, absolutely not, my soc ial skills were terrible and I would have only gotten myself i nto even more trouble. So yes, I'm glad I didn't ask for stuff like this.
- I definitely spe nt non-zero amount of time in t eenage thinking what it would b e like to rape someone, if I li ved in a world where there were no legal checks against it. An d I don't remember very well wh at my conclusion was because mo stly the conclusion was somethi ng like, I don't care that stro ngly either way, I do have mild preference for it not to happe n, and something.
Main 2
- As an adult who has actually had sex (lol), my opinion has becom e a lot more like, absolutely n othing about raping someone sou nds fun to me. Approximately 75 % of the fun of having sex for me is knowing that the other pe rson is into it too.
- As a te enager and a virgin, I didn't r ealise this fact, because I lac ked experience.
- (I want to w rite some stuff about paying so meone for sex, but like, sex wo rk is illegal in India so I don 't think I am allowed to talk a bout it publicly.)
- Honestly, for most people, I don't see w hat raping someone satisfies, t hat you cannot otherwise satisf y by paying a sex worker. My gu ess is the primary thing it wou ld satisfy is if you get off sp ecifically on making this perso n suffer, or dominating them, o r similar.
- I personally don' t get pleasure out of making pe ople suffer, so I cannot relate to this drive. My default is t o distance from people and swit ch off my empathy for them. "I don't care if you live or die"- type of sentiment. Wanting some one to suffer means you still c are about the outcome, and I ve ry instinctively am like, that is stupid, I cannot relate to t hat.
- See also: Kim Jong Un's sex slaves
personal/main/dont_l ose_momentum_of_meeting_people_ dont_fall_back_into_solo_intros pection_loop.md 000644 00076 5 000024 00000001410 15216140 567 037770 0 ustar 00sam uel st aff 0 00000 000000 text_english 2026 -06-22
# Don't lose momentum o f meeting people. Don't fall ba ck into solo introspection loop
Disclaimer
- personal
- tar get audience - strictly myself
Main
- Title is self-explanat ory.
- You can tell people you don't enjoy most human interac tion, and interact with them an yway. You can tell them you're angry with them for doing nothi ng about ASI risk and getting y ou killed (find a kind way to s ay it). You tell them you think they'll regret their life choi ces, even if you leave Samuel's preferences (again, find a kin d way to say it). You can tell them they won't understand the depths of your grief. And you c an still choose to interact wit h people.
- Don't fall back in to solo introspection loop. Thi s is something I feel strongly about, as of last few days.
tex t_english/personal/main/I_dont_ hate_women_I_hate_society.md 000644 000765 000024 000 00001753 15204277533 025745 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-05-23
# I do n't hate women, I hate society
Disclaimer
- personal
- targ et audience - strictly myself
Main
- Something like 90% of t he reasons I hate women actuall y have nothing to do with women and apply to men too. I just h ate society in general. It's ju st that I am ok not meeting any men for 3 months, I don't feel like I am missing out on much, but if I haven't spoken to any women in 3 months, I do feel l ike I might be missing out on s omething important. Like, I can live without it but I still fe el like I am missing out.
- Ok ay but how does this hate help me lol. Vengeance will be serve d on all of you fuckers, wait a nd watch.
- Okay but vengeance of what type? How does this he lp? Why am I so mad at the worl d?
- I am mad at the fact that nobody is doing anything that actually matters. So, I feel is olated among such people. And t hen I am mad at them for isolat ing me.
- Okay but that is a m e problem, I should then find o ther people who are doing thing s that actually matter.
text_english/pers onal/main/stick_to_xy_rule_and_ go_exercise.md 000644 00 0765 000024 00000000332 15246 547715 026077 0 ustar 00 samuel staff 000000 000000 2 026-09-04
# Stick to XY rule. And go exercise.
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- Enough rants for this week.
- Now go back to XY rule. Exercise. Fix your sleep schedule.
- Over.
PaxHeader/neuros cience_is_the_granddaddy_of_psy chology_hack_neuroscience_in_or der_to_hack_psychol 000644 0 00765 000024 00000000255 1523 1703170 042575 x ustar 0 0samuel staff 000000 000000 text_english /personal/main 143 path=text_english/personal/ main/neuroscience_is_the_grandd addy_of_psychology_hack_neurosc ience_in_order_to_hack_psycholo gy_and_politics.md
30 mtime=178 5169528.285895121
neuroscience_is _the_granddaddy_of_psychology_h ack_neuroscience_in_order_to_ha ck_psychology_and_pol 000644 000765 000024 00000021312 152 31703170 043034 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text_englis h/personal/main 2026-07-27
# Neuroscience is the granddaddy of psychology. H ack neuroscience in order to ha ck psychology and politics
Dis claimer
- personal
- target a udience - strictly myself
Main
- There is a real and importa nt sense in which neuroscience is the granddaddy of psychology .
- **Insights from brain-comp uter imaging > Insights from le sion studies and twin studies > Insights from self-reported in ternal experience > Insights fr om political philosophers**
- If you want to hack your brain, you should probably spend far more time thinking about questi ons like "is there enough sunli ght in my room?", "am I getting enough physical contact with o ther people?", "what are the to p 3 items in my working memory right now?", etc than you shoul d on stuff like CBT or IFS or r eading political philosophy or whatever.
- Unfortunately we h ave especially not been able to reduce social and political st uff all the way down to neurosc ience.
- Wait holy shit. No , I suddenly got an insight int o why Hitler and Stalin made so ngs.
- Like, in my document on how persuasion works, I wrot e some stuff about why repeated input helps, Krashen input hyp othesis matters, use songs and rituals, many mass movements us e songs and rituals and marches and traditions. If I think abo ut this from more neuroscience terms, you can actually reason about how songs affect a differ ent part of your perception tha n just words, or how repetition of some content moves it from working memory to long-term mem ory more easily.
- You reall y do need to think of people as animals in order to persuade t hem. Huh. Interesting.
- I a m also an animal, deep down.
- Lmao, next thing I know, I w ill be advocating for mass move ments to have some weird touch ritual. Like, whoever does some thing noteworthy for the group gets a free massage in public ( but make it more ritualised and important-looking). Or ofcours e, just have more free sexual n orms, leftists shamelessly use sex to attract people into thei r cause this way.
- Maybe ma ss movements should have more p leasant smelling rooms. Like, y ou can use different smells to trigger different emotions. Dep ending on what mood you want to set in the crowd, accordingly you can pick what fragrance you want to set in that room. One smell for when you want bloodth irsty warrior mood, another sme ll for when you want a grieving the dead mood, another smell f or when you're close to victory and you want to motivate peopl e more, another for celebration . I'm sure someone has tried th is already.
- I suspect all this will be as impactful as, y ou know, the obvious strategy w hich is paying tons of money fo r the room decor.
Practical ta keaway
- Maybe I will order so me perfumes off of blinkit and see if it makes any difference on my motivation to work. Cheap experiment, can run quickly.
Main 2
- Lmao it suddenly make s sense to me why people believ e in the whole - use perfumes t o seduce someone - thing. This is all sitting in the category of "advanced tricks I can't be arsed with", but if it is so lo w cost maybe I should?
- Was j ust reading reddit and holy shi t it is a little depressing how much effort people invest into things like this. I know it is only a certain niche of people but even so.
- I have trained myself to ignore the noise
- Honestly even this comes back to the status hierarchy thing. I have spent my entire life tr aining myself to ignore this so rt of stuff, so I wish I could also meet people who ignore thi s sort of stuff. This is all no ise that reduces SNR for me, wh en I am looking at other people 's stuff. Show me your github r epo lol, not how you smell.
- Also, empirically, I don't thin k I have ever liked a women whe re their scent was a significan t reason for it. The opposite i s true, bad scent does tend to repel me, but I can't remember ever liking a good scent.
- Th is is also the common sense rea soning for why I just wear the cheapest deo out there so I don 't actively smell if sweaty, bu t beyond that I don't really ca re.
- Maybe it is because the scents are artificial? Like, sm elling actual blood is far stro nger than smelling a perfume th at is supposed to smell like bl ood. Smelling actual new wood i s far stronger than smelling a perfume that is supposed to sme ll like wood. There is somethin g about perfumes that get nause ating in a way that actual smel ls in the world are not. (Well, actual smells can totally be n auseating too, but still.)
- S mell chemistry is not very well understood so people still can 't replicate real world smells with the same precision.
Procr astination
- I am supposed to be reading ethereum smart contr acts, why the fuck am I procras tinating by reading about organ ic chemistry of smell? Have les s priorities lmao.
- You know what, fuck it, we are implement ing [this advice](https://www.r eddit.com/r/malefashionadvice/c omments/1ngqycf/comment/ne7kna7 /) today.
- Also, I precommit to not wasting many more days o n this in the next few months. 80-20 it and move the fuck on w ith life.
- Atleast if I burn one day of my life on this, and it turns out disappointing, th en I can be sure I will not loo k at this topic ever again. It won't pull on my attention agai n.
Ignorance is bliss lol
- 1 5 year old Samuel was more obli vious to how humans work. 25 ye ar old Samuel understands how h umans work a lot better, and ha s a far more intense hatred for humans than 15 year old Samuel did. Although to be clear 15 y ear old Samuel also hated most humans.
- 15 year old Samuel w ould just act out in very obvio usly rebellious ways. 25 year o ld Samuel understands that it i s the slow knife that really wo unds. Take your time, build the weapon, aim it at the right mo ment and against the right targ et and in the right way. Don't rebel over stupid pointless shi t.
- Sam Altman understands th is. He has the impatience to ke ep doing stuff every week, but also the patience to make decad e long plans. And unlike me, he can actually shut the fuck up when it counts, I am still too overtly rebellious as compared to him.
> I honor my father by finishing his work. Vengeance against the man who killed him is simply a reward for my patie nce. You see, it's the slow kni fe... the knife that takes its time, the knife that waits year s without forgetting, then slip s quietly between the bones... that's the knife that cuts deep est.
Note to future self - may be read more about [David Goyer ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki /David_S._Goyer) and what influ enced him
---
Another practic al takeaway
- **Accept that yo u will continue to hate people, and do it anyway.**
- My di sappointment comes from expecta tions like "maybe if I interact with more people, I will hate people less", "maybe if I dress better or get a perfume or wha tever, more people will like me or I will become more confiden t", and so on. It is the expect ation that hurts.
- Dressing more attractively is clearly n ot reducing my resentment for p eople, and interacting with peo ple more is also not reducing m y resentment for people. But ma ybe I can do them anyway. Just shut the fuck up, do them on au topilot, see the response, then adjust. Trust empirical iterat ion loop, not theory.
- I ha ve been in love lol, even that did not stop me from hating soc iety. I just hid it more often, that's all. If even that did n ot stop me from hating society, then all this milque toast wea k sauce shit is probably not go nna matter either.
I will win. I will win. I will win. I tell myself this a hundred times a day until it becomes true.
**I will learn to feel true happin ess again when my enemies are h ung upside down on a youtube li vestream. Until that day, every thing (and I do mean everything ) is a distraction.**
Moves in a game
- They're just moves i n a game lol. Play the game but don't take each move so seriou sly. You are still quite far aw ay from the end goal. Just move fast, break things, but the im portant thing is to keep moving .
- Who gives a flying fuck wh at perfume you wear or don't we ar? Do you think this will stop the awakening of the machine g od? This is just one teeny move out of another hundred teeny m oves. Playing hundred moves mat ters but no individual move mat ters that much. Take it light. Keep moving.
---
Update - I like the perfume lmao
- I was feeling so dejected the whole d ay. Felt I had wasted another d ay being unproductive. Also ble w 15k INR at Sephora on Savage EDP 100 ml. I realised at the s tore that I don't like the scen t of any of the Blue / Aqua sce nts, they're not my vibe. The m oney is not the issue, I can al ways make more money, but the t ime and momentum I am losing by not working and doing random s hit instead is costly.
- I cam e home and tried it and I'm lik e wait, I actually like this. I t's not some huge big deal but it is a subtle positive thing. I feel better now lol.
Get the fuck to work tomorrow though. Ethereum smart contracts. Solid ity. Stare at it until your eye s bleed.
text_english/personal /main/maze_algos_suck_maybe_wri te_better_one.md 000644 000765 000024 00000002201 152230031 43 027224 0 ustar 00samu el sta ff 00 0000 000000 2026- 07-07
# Maze algos suck, maybe write a better one
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- Pot ential project for my future se lf. Write better maze generatio n algos.
- See also: [wikipedi a: Maze-solving algos](https:// en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maze-solv ing_algorithm), [wikipedia: Maz e generation algos](https://en. wikipedia.org/wiki/Maze_generat ion_algorithm)
- I have a whol e set of cached heuristics for implementing mazes that I don't find recorded anywhere here:
- eyes are biased to go down and right, so make the correct path go left or up first
- m ake it harder to track long cor ridors, such as 2-way 3-way (or even N-way spirals), or telepo rter mazes, or cannon mazes
- dead end paths should turn at least twice across a significan t area so you can't easily see in advance that they're dead en ds. in general, entire sections of your maze should be like a distorted version of an N-way s piral
- have some key nodes with high branch factor so it i s easy to go in but hard to fin d your way back out, once you'r e in
- avoid cycles, if you must use them, use them deep in side wrong sections of the maze
personal/main/one_w ay_of_running_a_forum_is_to_res trict_the_types_of_utterances_t hat_are_allowed.md 000644 0007 65 000024 00000000457 1521570 1753 040326 0 ustar 00sa muel s taff 000000 000000 text_english 202 6-06-21
# One way of running a forum is to restrict the types of utterances that are allowed
- you seem to prefer constra ined interactions like playing a board game online or a hobby club, because there is not open -ended interaction and you're u nlikely to damage others via yo ur own personal shit
text_english/perso nal/main/dominance_over_the_out group_prestige_within_the_ingro up.md 000644 000 765 000024 00000001334 151777 53505 033000 0 ustar 00s amuel staff 000000 000000 20 26-03-08
# Dominance over the outgroup, prestige within the i ngroup?
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- **Contains politicall y sensitive info**
Just found this: [Dual strategies theory]( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D ual_strategies_theory)
Not sur e how true this theory is. Assu ming it is true though:
I want dominance over the outgroup. I want people at the AI companie s to fear me. The reason I am n ot literally planning to assass inate their leaders right now i s because there are more effect ive approaches to my goal, and not that I have some moral issu e with it.
I want prestige wit hin the ingroup. I want people in the anti-ASI political movem ent to respect me, because I am making them more effective at acquiring power.
t ext_english/personal/main/X_con sider_making_a_30_second_video_ collage_for_your_hinge_profile. md 000644 000765 000024 0 0000010502 15244476140 034554 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 00000 0 2026-08-29
# X: Consider making a 30 second vi deo collage for your hinge prof ile
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myse lf
Background context to be ke pt in mind for this discussion
- Advice I am a lot more happy to accept nowadays, as compare d to some months back.
- You r hinge profile is **not** a pl ace for authentic self-expressi on.
- You need to selectivel y represent those parts of you / your life that are most salea ble to your target audience (wh ich can be niche but not too ni che).
- You can be authentic on actual dates, but until the n no.
- (Some of) your frien ds were right lol. Ali Abdaal w as right.
- Just optimise fo r getting atleast one date a we ek.
- Metrics
- Mainstream dating major sales metrics - lo oks, status, humour/fun
- Ma instream status hierarchy - cor porate job, hobbies, previous p artners, etc
- Minor sales m etrics - happiness, safety / re laxedness, protectiveness, cons cientiousness, etc. A lot of th is becomes more specific to whi ch niche you are targetting tbh
- Metrics I currently satisfy
- Looks - Average (currentl y improving, work-in-progress). Getting better / more recent p ics can't hurt.
- Status - I mention college on profile ofc ourse. Mentioning travel stuff is proxy for having money. Beyo nd all that, since I don't have a job (and ASI risk is not hig h status in mainstream society) , I seem to mostly just be rely ing on stuff like hobbies I am good at, or talks I have given or similar.
- Humour - I am still mildly averse to putting jokes on my profile. I need to get over this hangup and put so me jokes. I am not a funny pers on but I can still put jokes on the profile
- Anti-metric - Being (and stating) I am poly is reducing matches noticeably. I think I now have enough empi rical evidence for this. But I am still sticking to putting it on the profile because it is i mportant. I need to level up su fficiently on the other metrics to be able to make this anti-m etric work.
- My current succe ss metric
- Getting maybe on e date a month I think, on curr ent profile
- My ideal success metric
- Want more than one date a week, so that I have mo re selection power
Problem to solve
- I still haven't made t he 30 second video. Need to dec ide what to put.
Potential sol utions
- This is a lot of surf ace area. I can put 10-15 photo s or short clips in one 30 seco nd video.
- Put videos / photo s not text. This is for both "s how dont tell" reasons and beca use a 2 second short clip conve ys more information than 200 wp m * 2s/60s = 7 words of text
- Short answer is yes, get atlea st 5 short clips of me doing va rious hobbies (status metric), get atleast 2 videos of me laug hing in different contexts (hum our/fun metric), get atleast 2 videos of me giving talks (stat us metric), maybe 1 video of ex ercising couldn't hurt (but don t make it the focus as many peo ple post gym videos only) (look s metric), maybe atleast 2 vide os of me in formal wear (suit, shirt etc) (looks metric)
- Ma ke sure to get all the clips ve tted by a friend. Some of your friends clearly have better jud gement on this topic than you. Defer to their judgement. Your previous success so far is also because of friends.
- Don't c omplain too much about not gett ing matches until you have impl emented this advice. Making thi s video is not very high priori ty for me, but whenever I want to invest some serious time her e, these are the next steps. ** I am not promising to act on th is advice in next 1 week.** (As per heuristic - think about ne xt week or next century, don't think of anything in between.)
Note to self
- I love how str uctured and confident this note feels. Atleast I now feel like I have a plan and I actually h ave some evidence to believe it might work.
---
Update
- Ma ny of these videos I can't just go and get right now. I have t o keep taking them as and when they happen. Like, hobby videos have to be when I actually get the opportunity to do various hobbies. This is an annoying am ount of effort. I can hire a ca meraman (I already know someone ) but even so.
- Lol I am now understanding why this entire g eneration wastes their lives tr ying to click pics. I mean I ge t it, but now I get it even mor e. It is to fuck, lol. People w ant validation, and this valida tion is attached to how many pe ople will have sex with them (w hether or not they choose to ca pitalise on this opportunity).
- I am becoming a normie. Fun
text_english/personal/main/ prestige_among_the_ingroup_domi nance_on_the_outgroup.md 000644 000765 0000 24 00000005446 15177753505 032 250 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-26
# Prestige among the ingroup, dominance on the outgroup
Disc laimer
- **Quick Note**
Main
- See also: [Dual strategies t heory](https://en.wikipedia.org /wiki/Dual_strategies_theory)
- This is one of the possible s table modes of being:
- Get status in the ingroup for prote cting the ingroup hence making them love you, get status in th e outgroup by being violent aga inst them hence terrifying them and making them respect you.
- This maps nicely on Geoffre y Miller's "tender defender" ar chetype, or the observation tha t access to sex is what makes s ome protest movements go mainst ream (60s counterculture more p opular than 50s anti-nuclear pr otests, some examples in Srdja Popovick's book)
P.S. The othe r thing that makes protest move ments in general go mainstream is loss of job/income/equity.
P.P.S. This means that until jo b loss can be used as a vector for building the anti-ASI movem ent, the number one thing I sho uld study is social ostracism a nd access to sex in the anti-AS I movement?
- Providing condit ional access to sex or relation ships seems like the primary wa y the anti-ASI movement can go mainstream, **before** any mass job loss has happened. Motherf ucker, Geoffrey Miller is right about everything.
- Like, it seems likely that different fac tions in the anti-ASI coalition will regulate sex/relationship s in different ways. Leftist ra dicals withold sex from non-lef ists, and socially rightwing ra dicals withold sex from sociall y non-rightwing. This won't wor k it if you do it strategically . "I am deliberately going to w ithold sex from non-leftists." It will only work if genuinely dislike pro-ASI people to the p oint where you can't stand to b e in a social circle where pro- ASI people are present.
- Job loss will probably unite all th e political factions in the nex t 2-3 years, but until then, ac cess to sex seems like the prim ary way to unite political fact ions.
- I am definitely biased towards people in age group 18 -35 when I make this observatio n. People with kids are probabl y more amenable only to the job loss rhetoric. Also they are m ore amenable to groupthink - th ey are slow to change their pol itical positions in general, fo r fear of breaking apart their family. Teenagers are often amo ng the best targets for politic al radicalisation, not people w ith kids. (Although all this is superceded by - pick a demogra phic you actually understand an d belong to, if you want to tar get your rhetoric towards them. )
- (All this primarily applie s to terminally online politica lly polarised demographics, the re are still moderate / apoliti cal people left in the US also. )
Update
- Side note - Maybe another reason I am curious abo ut this question is to figure o ut, if I work on the cyberattac k plan, will my future partner love me or fear me? I would pre fer to be loved not feared atle ast by my loved ones.
text_eng lish/personal/main/Im_frustrate d_with_women_who_regret_the_cas ual_sex_they_have.md 0 00644 000765 000024 00000006 556 15177753505 033730 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-10
## Update
- See also - my older note on why I increasingly don't trust base rates.
- If most people are not getting benefits from an intervention and a few peopl e are, I'm increasingly sympath etic to the hypothesis that tho se few people figured out somet hing that everyone else didn't, as opposed to the hypothesis t hat those people innately have their minds wired differently.
- The base rate won't captur e these outliers, and hence bas e rates by themselves are not a good judge of whether you shou ld invest more time into lookin g for outlier good outcomes.
- Coming back to this note, ma ybe a few women (and men) have figured out how to enjoy lots o f casual sex, but most of socie ty has not. As opposed to, mayb e there's something fundamental ly different about how those pe ople's brains are wired.
- I don't have enough raw data tho ugh (either first-hand, or anec dotal, or statistical) so this is just a hypothesis.
- I su spect one differentiator is jus t something like - actually car ing? Like, some people can demo nstrate within a short span of time that they actually care ab out the other person, and this makes sex more enjoyable, even if you know you're going to go separate ways soon. As opposed to, people who have sex because they think it's a social norm, or because they're trying to g et the other person to like the m, or because they're bored, or another reason.
- But again , no data so don't take any of my ideas here too seriously.
- I know many people have done surveys on thit stuff, I'm not bothered to go read and analys e now though.
---
2026-03-08
# I'm frustrated with women wh o regret the casual sex they ha ve
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note* *
- mind sim - just read some of jacob falcovich's blog. also some women I've met in-person, can't share details for privac y reasons
Main
- In some of m y earlier rants, I made comment s on why women who want casual sex are all low-esteem and seek ing validation and this may be due to parental issues.
- I wa s in a worse mood than now when I wrote that.
- Do I think lo ts of casual sex is optimal for literally zero women? I don't honestly know the answer to tha t. It seems like a very strong claim.
- I think I am mainly f rustrated with women who want c asual sex and they later regret it. Like, if you consistently engage in something you later c laim to publicly claim to regre t, it means you either lack gro wth mindset, or secretly like s omething about this anyway, or you have some deeper issue that is preventing you from growing , or so on.
- I just wish more people around me were serious about something, anything whats oever.
- Just because you are serious about something doesn't mean I will engage with it, I have limited time to fix ASI ri sk, and I am not everyone's cup of tea. But atleast if you're serious about something, you mi ght find someone else who value s that. Could be in romantic co ntext, but it doesn't strictly apply to just that.
P.S. If an y woman is stuck in this trap a nd wants out, maybe I can liste n. My problem is especially wit h people lacking self-awareness and growth mindset I think.
S ide note
- I wonder if there's a way I can select for this. L ike, select for intentionality basically. It doesn't even have to be in a dating context. Nea rly every aspect of my life wou ld improve if I could just dele te all the unintentional people from my environment, and only have to search through what's l eft.
text _english/personal/main/dating_m aster_post_compiled_using_ai.md 000644 000765 000024 0000 0135750 15210345103 026722 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-06-04
# Datin g master post compiled using AI
Disclaimer
- personal
- tar get audience - strictly myself
### Why this post?
- I said I would compile all my posts in to a single post that summarise s. However, I generally tend to procrastinate on writing such summary posts, and even when I write them they turn out underw helming. Even the summary post I write won't feel like it solv es all the questions, it will h ave unfinished edges.
- Also t o be quite blunt I got kinda bo red of this topic. Got bored of theory, need to go do stuff in -person now.
- Conclusion - As k AI to write the post and then move on.
### What do I think of the AI written post?
- Bet ter than nothing, I think it ha s non-zero valuable insight.
- AI still sucks at genuine firs t-principles reasoning, and sti ll tends to project some random psychologist's opinion at you. It is good at summarising and doing a reasoning first-pass.
- For instance, it says "The pr actical answer is not more abst ract dating theory." and "Use t he Type-1/Type-2/Type-3 frame e xplicitly." but these are contr adictory advice, the whole reas on I have the second frame is b ecause of a bunch of practice a nd theory.
- "Run the surveys/ interviews he keeps saying he n eeds." I can feel the disappoin tment off of this sentence lmao . "he keeps saying he needs." I t feels exactly like a random p sychologist who is disappointed in you trying an unusual solut ion instead of just being norma l.
- The AI advice is missing some of the more important part s. "Improve basics: fitness, pr esentation, warmth, fun." You d on't just decide to become "fun " one fine day, you decide to s olve the things preventing you from being fun by default. For instance, the AI advice doesn't say much about forgiveness and ASI risk, which I think is act ually quite important.
---
# Medium-sized summary, written b y gpt-5.5, may contain hallucin s
Short version: the dating po sts are not really about "how d o I get a girlfriend?" They are about **how to build a relatio nship that can survive an unusu ally intense, mission-driven, h igh-variance life**.
## Core t hesis
The author's real dating problem is not attraction, mat ches, or even sex. It is:
> Ca n I find or build a relationshi p that survives major differenc es in values, life mission, pol itics, ambition, risk tolerance , and future value transitions?
He wants sex, affection, hugs , emotional safety, and deep un derstanding - but he also wants independence, mission, serious ness, and a partner who does no t domesticate him into a normal life. The tension between thes e two desires drives almost all the posts.
## Most important frames
### 1. Type-1 / Type-2 / Type-3 relationships
This is probably the cleanest idea in the whole corpus.
- **Type-1:* * we actually agree on worldvie w and actions.
- **Type-2:** we disagree, but still understand and accept each other.
- **Typ e-3:** one or both people funda mentally cannot accept the othe r's life path.
The key relatio nship skill is moving between T ype-1 and Type-2 without collap sing into Type-3. This matters more than labels like "long-ter m," "short-term," "poly," or "m onogamous."
### 2. Value trans itions are the central fear
In itial compatibility is not enou gh. People change. They change religion, politics, ambition, c ity, career, family priorities, views on children, and moral c ommitments. The author does not trust relationship advice unle ss it comes from people whose r elationships survived real tran sitions, not just easy years.
### 3. Long-term relationships compete over scarce resources
The real scarce resources are:
- **Place** - where you live.
- **Attention** - time, emotion al bandwidth, listening.
- **Ca pital** - money and material re sources.
Value differences bec ome serious when they demand co nflicting uses of these resourc es. It is easier to "agree to d isagree" abstractly than to dec ide whose city, whose parents, whose mission, whose emergency, or whose life plan gets priori ty.
### 4. He wants a partner , but not a normalizing partner
He is very afraid of relation ships that blunt variance. He d oes not want someone whose impl icit job is to make him stable, respectable, conventional, and safe. He wants someone who can tolerate, understand, or even participate in a high-risk miss ion-oriented life.
This is on e of the biggest selection filt ers. Many women might enjoy him for a few months, but later di scover they did not really want the life they signed up for.
### 5. Polyamory is partly abou t preserving degrees of freedom
His case for polyamory is not mainly "more sex." It is that monogamy forces one person to s atisfy too many roles: sexual p artner, best friend, emotional support, ideological ally, life co-planner, co-parent, etc.
P olyamory, in his frame, allows gradients of intimacy and time investment instead of a binary "life partner or nothing." But he also recognizes that this is mostly theory and that time co mmitment and emotional commitme nt may be more linked than he p reviously thought.
## What he seems to want in a woman
The desired partner is roughly:
- cute/intelligent;
- direct comm unicator;
- growth-minded;
- em otionally perceptive;
- indepen dent;
- serious about something ;
- able to call him out;
- abl e to listen across value differ ences;
- not threatened by his work;
- not trying to make him normal;
- either aligned with h is mission or genuinely accepti ng of it.
He is not mainly loo king for shared hobbies, travel , "vibes," or standard domestic comfort. He wants deep underst anding, sex, affection, and a p artner whose mind/life he can r espect.
## His self-diagnosed bottlenecks
The main blockers are:
1. **He does not like him self enough.**
2. **He is not a ctually trying hard enough.**
3 . **He has limited spare attent ion.**
4. **He overtheorizes be cause dating has long feedback loops.**
5. **He is often angry , isolated, and neurotic, which degrades his judgment.**
6. ** He dislikes normal social envir onments where dating usually ha ppens.**
7. **He wants outlier outcomes but has not yet built an outlier search process.**
T his is why "just go on dates" f eels inadequate to him, but als o why endless theory is a trap.
## My inference: the emotiona l core
The emotional core is l oneliness plus distrust.
He wa nts love, but he does not trust ordinary love to survive conta ct with his actual values. He w ants to be seen, but fears that being fully seen will make mos t people leave. He wants a rela tionship, but fears that the se arch will consume attention nee ded for his mission. He wants s omeone extraordinary, but also knows that waiting for extraord inary can become an excuse to r emain alone.
So the real confl ict is:
> "I want someone clos e enough to matter, but not so mismatched that closeness destr oys either my mission or the re lationship."
## My inference: the practical answer
The pract ical answer is not more abstrac t dating theory. It is probably :
1. Meet more mission-oriente d people in person.
2. Stop usi ng dating apps when unhappy or compulsive.
3. Improve basics: fitness, presentation, warmth, fun.
4. Run the surveys/intervi ews he keeps saying he needs.
5 . Learn emotional listening acr oss disagreement.
6. Use the Ty pe-1/Type-2/Type-3 frame explic itly.
7. Prefer early honesty o ver late painful mismatch.
8. A void manipulative or coercive s trategies entirely.
## One-sen tence summary
The whole dating corpus is an attempt to solve this question:
> How can an in tense, independent, mission-obs essed person find love without either lying about who he is, b eing domesticated into normalit y, or destroying the relationsh ip when values change?
## Paul Graham usefulness score
On Pa ul Graham's scale - true, impor tant, novel, and strong - I'd s core the dating corpus around * *6.5/10 useful**.
It is unusua lly important and novel for a n arrow audience, especially on v alue transitions and Type-1/Typ e-2/Type-3 relationships. But i t loses points for correctness because much of it is speculati ve, mood-dependent, anecdotal, and under-tested. It is raw thi nking, not finished theory.
-- -
# Very long summary, written by gpt-5.5, may contain halluc ins
## 1. The real problem is not "how do I get a girlfriend? "
The surface-level question i s: **why don't I have a girlfri end, and how do I get one?** Th e deeper question is: **what ki nd of relationship can survive contact with my actual life?** I do not merely want someone at tractive, pleasant, and availab le. I want a relationship that can survive extreme ambition, p olitical and moral intensity, p ossible city changes, major lif e pivots, my limited attention, my tendency to overtheorize, m y need for independence, and th e possibility that either perso n's values change over time. ([ samuelshadrach.com](https://sam uelshadrach.com/raw/text_englis h_html/personal/main/reasons_I_ dont_have_a_girlfriend.html))
This is why ordinary dating adv ice feels unsatisfactory. "Go o n dates," "be funny," "dress be tter," "join hobbies," "be emot ionally intelligent," and "don' t overthink it" may all contain truth. But the metric I care a bout is not likes, matches, fir st dates, or even sex. The metr ic is whether the relationship is still good after six months, after five years, and after on e or both people undergo a majo r value transition. Dating apps give tight feedback loops on s hallow metrics, while the core metric has a very long feedback loop. ([samuelshadrach.com](ht tps://samuelshadrach.com/raw/te xt_english_html/personal/main/l ol_maybe_I_should_make_two_hing e_profiles.html))
So the probl em is partly practical and part ly epistemic. I need more real- world data, not just theory. I need to talk to people whose re lationships survived major ideo logical or life transitions, es pecially atheists over 35 who d id not simply outsource stabili ty to tradition or religion. I may need to spend one or two se rious weeks running surveys, ga thering anecdotes, and intervie wing the correct reference clas ses instead of endlessly theori zing from my room. ([samuelshad rach.com](https://samuelshadrac h.com/raw/text_english_html/per sonal/main/I_need_a_scheduled_b lock_of_time_to_run_dating_surv eys.html))
At the same time, t heory is not useless. Dating ha s long feedback loops, and in l ong-feedback domains you cannot learn everything by trial and error. If I mindlessly run "hit and trial," I may lose months or years. The goal is not to el iminate trial and error complet ely - that is probably impossib le - but to move from blind tri al and error toward informed se arch. ([samuelshadrach.com](htt ps://samuelshadrach.com/raw/tex t_english_html/personal/main/lo l_maybe_I_should_make_two_hinge _profiles.html))
## 2. Why do I want a relationship, besides sex?
The blunt answer is: mayb e sex is the main real reason. When you repeatedly have sex wi th someone, you often begin to care deeply about them. Maybe t hat is a large part of what a r omantic relationship is. I shou ld not pretend that sex is irre levant or that all my reasons a re lofty. I do not even want to hang out with most male friend s very often, so if sex and phy sical intimacy are removed, I h ave to ask what exactly makes a woman different from a close m ale friend in my life. ([samuel shadrach.com](https://samuelsha drach.com/raw/text_english_html /personal/main/why_do_I_even_wa nt_a_relationship_besides_havin g_sex.html))
But sex is not th e whole answer. A romantic part ner may bring a different kind of emotional listening, emotion al co-regulation, physical affe ction, protectiveness, and acce ss to female-pattern social inf ormation. The strongest candida te properties are: better emoti onal listening, the ability to make me feel seen/heard/underst ood, physical intimacy beyond s ex, and a dynamic where I feel protective and she values that protectiveness. ([samuelshadrac h.com](https://samuelshadrach.c om/raw/text_english_html/person al/main/why_do_I_even_want_a_re lationship_besides_having_sex.h tml))
The useful question is n ot "women are different, theref ore women help me." The useful question is: **what specific pr operties of female-pattern psyc hology help solve what specific problems?** For example, block ers to effective action are oft en emotional, not intellectual; a good partner may notice subt le emotional patterns that male friends, cofounders, or mentor s miss. But I need to be concre te. What is the blocker? What d oes she notice? What does she h elp me update? ([samuelshadrach .com](https://samuelshadrach.co m/raw/text_english_html/persona l/main/why_do_I_even_want_a_rel ationship_besides_having_sex.ht ml))
There is also a basic hum an need here: hugs, softness, b eing cared for, and feeling saf e. I sometimes intellectualize the whole thing, but part of me simply wants a hug from someon e who cares. That is not a fake reason. It is just embarrassin g because it is simple. ([samue lshadrach.com](https://samuelsh adrach.com/raw/text_english_htm l/personal/main/dating_and_my_o utlier_traits.html))
## 3. Lov e and work are entangled
My li fe has had at least two obvious sources of meaning: deep relat ionships and meaningful work. T he first time I was convinced l ife was worth living was throug h close friendships. The other major source of meaning is work that reduces suffering or incr eases human happiness at scale. The confusing part is that the best love often seems connecte d to shared work, and the best work may be work that allows mo re love to thrive in the world. ([samuelshadrach.com](https:// samuelshadrach.com/raw/text_eng lish_html/personal/main/what_is _love.html))
This creates a lo op. Strong relationships often require shared goals, because a dvice, emotional support, and f eeling understood are easier wh en people are facing similar pr oblems. But meaningful work als o needs relationships, because humans do not live as abstract utility functions. If I want "o ptimal love" for civilization, I should probably start by figu ring out optimal love for mysel f. ([samuelshadrach.com](https: //samuelshadrach.com/raw/text_e nglish_html/personal/main/what_ is_love.html))
This is why my dating problem keeps expanding into a philosophy-of-civilizati on problem. In a world where ma terial needs and physical safet y are solved, what remains is t he problem of relationships: ho w humans organize love, sex, fa mily, friendship, loyalty, priv acy, and work. If I cannot solv e this even for myself, I shoul d be suspicious of my ability t o solve it for the world. ([sam uelshadrach.com](https://samuel shadrach.com/raw/text_english_h tml/personal/main/what_is_love. html))
## 4. What I actually w ant in a partner
The rough sur face-level answer: I like women who are cute, intelligent, emo tionally perceptive, direct, in dependent, growth-oriented, and serious about something. "Cute " and "hot" overlap, but they a re not identical; cuteness is p artly about the role someone pl ays, not just their physical ap pearance. This makes videos muc h better than photos, because p hotos show looks while videos s how mannerisms, energy, and rol e. ([samuelshadrach.com](https: //samuelshadrach.com/raw/text_e nglish_html/personal/main/I_lik e_cute_but_intelligent_women.ht ml))
The deeper answer: I want someone who does not reduce my variance. I do not want a rela tionship whose function is to m ake me normal, stable, conventi onal, and domesticated. I want a relationship compatible with a life that could go very well or very badly. If I am trying t o do something historically imp ortant, I need a partner who un derstands that work is not a ho bby competing with her for atte ntion; it is a core part of me. ([samuelshadrach.com](https:// samuelshadrach.com/raw/text_eng lish_html/personal/main/more_ra mblings_on_who_I_think_I_wanna_ date.html))
The ideal partner does not need to be identical t o me. In fact, an exact clone m ay not be ideal. But she should either share my core mission, or at least be able to understa nd and accept it without consta nt demotivation. She should be able to hear me, disagree, and still not treat my life plan as fundamentally illegitimate. Th e type of person who is merely "nice" but wants a normal life may be a bad fit, because late breakups are worse than early b reakups. ([samuelshadrach.com]( https://samuelshadrach.com/raw/ text_english_html/personal/main /more_ramblings_on_who_I_think_ I_wanna_date.html))
Concretely , I want:
- **Growth mindset.* * Repeatedly making the same mi stake without serious attempts to fix the underlying cause is hard for me to tolerate. I can listen to suffering, but not in definitely if the person refuse s to learn. ([samuelshadrach.co m](https://samuelshadrach.com/r aw/text_english_html/personal/m ain/more_ramblings_on_who_I_thi nk_I_wanna_date.html))
- **Di rect communication.** I do not want passive-aggressive behavio r, hidden resentment, or avoida nt drama. I want explicit norms : do you want advice, listening , comfort, or problem-solving? ([samuelshadrach.com](https://s amuelshadrach.com/raw/text_engl ish_html/personal/main/more_ram blings_on_who_I_think_I_wanna_d ate.html))
- **Emotional perc eption.** I want someone who ca n call me out, notice emotional blockers, and help me understa nd myself when I am missing som ething. ([samuelshadrach.com](h ttps://samuelshadrach.com/raw/t ext_english_html/personal/main/ more_ramblings_on_who_I_think_I _wanna_date.html))
- **Indepe ndence.** I strongly value my o wn independence and may be espe cially valuable to women who al so want fierce independence, es pecially in contexts where fami lies or society try to control women's decisions. ([samuelshad rach.com](https://samuelshadrac h.com/raw/text_english_html/per sonal/main/dating_and_my_outlie r_traits.html))
- **Competenc e or serious learning.** She sh ould ideally be good enough at something that I cannot instant ly solve her problems after fiv e minutes of looking. If she sp ends months or years on a domai n, she should develop insights I could not trivially obtain. ( [samuelshadrach.com](https://sa muelshadrach.com/raw/text_engli sh_html/personal/main/do_I_even _have_spare_attention_for_a_par tner_lol.html))
- **Some rela tionship to mission.** She does not have to work on the exact same thing I do, but I need to respect her long-term goals. If I think her long-term goals ar e stupid, I will struggle to re peatedly listen to her sufferin g about them. ([samuelshadrach. com](https://samuelshadrach.com /raw/text_english_html/personal /main/maybe_I_am_better_at_dati ng_people_who_are_more_present_ focussed.html))
I should als o distinguish **people I can lo ve** from **people whose lifest yle fits mine**. Love may trans cend large differences in value s, mental health, or politics. But lifestyle fit is separate: city, time, sex drive, family o bligations, risk tolerance, kid s, work, values, and emotional availability still matter. I ca n love someone and still ration ally decide that we should not be together. ([samuelshadrach.c om](https://samuelshadrach.com/ raw/text_english_html/personal/ main/wait_I_am_actually_jealous _of_some_people_I_know.html))
## 5. Type-1, Type-2, Type-3: t he cleanest frame so far
The m ost useful typology is not "lon g-term versus short-term," or " poly versus monogamous." It is:
1. **Type-1: actually agree.* * We share a worldview and endo rse each other's actions. I can interact regularly, give motiv ation, give advice, and listen freely.
2. **Type-2: agree to disagree yet accept.** We disa gree, but understand where the other is coming from and still accept each other. These relati onships work better with lower frequency, because too much exp osure may be demotivating.
3. **Type-3: do not accept.** One or both people fundamentally d isapprove of the other's life p lan; the relationship tends to break. ([samuelshadrach.com](ht tps://samuelshadrach.com/raw/te xt_english_html/personal/main/a ctually_agree_versus_agree_to_d isagree_yet_accept_versus_do_no t_accept.html))
The value-tran sition problem becomes: **can t wo people move flexibly between Type-1 and Type-2 without beco ming Type-3?** If one person ch anges politics, religion, caree r mission, risk tolerance, or f amily goals, can the relationsh ip absorb that transition? Or d oes one person begin hearing: " My partner cannot love me unles s I become what they want"? ([s amuelshadrach.com](https://samu elshadrach.com/raw/text_english _html/personal/main/actually_ag ree_versus_agree_to_disagree_ye t_accept_versus_do_not_accept.h tml))
This frame also explains why meeting less often can hel p across political differences. If someone is Type-2, frequent interaction may make it harder to listen, because the disagre ement repeatedly drains motivat ion. Less frequent interaction can preserve goodwill. The rela tionship becomes: "I accept you , I can listen when it matters, but I cannot live inside your worldview every day." ([samuels hadrach.com](https://samuelshad rach.com/raw/text_english_html/ personal/main/maybe_the_solutio n_to_dating_across_political_di fferences_is_to_meet_less_often .html))
## 6. Political differ ences: opinions matter less tha n generators
The problem with political differences is not me rely the final opinion. The pro blem is the **generator**: the emotions, assumptions, social i ncentives, and reasoning chain that produce the opinion. I may be able to make someone feel s een if I understand the emotion al generator, even if I disagre e with the final conclusion. Bu t if I think the emotional gene rator is stupid, anti-growth, o r downstream of a worldview I r eject, listening becomes much h arder. ([samuelshadrach.com](ht tps://samuelshadrach.com/raw/te xt_english_html/personal/main/d ating_and_political_extremes_an d_I_am_willing_to_die_over_asi_ risk.html))
This is especially severe for long-term goals. If my partner's long-term project is something at least one of m y "epsilon-shifted clones" coul d respect, then I can listen to her suffering and tradeoffs. I f her long-term project feels l ike a dead end produced by bad defaults, I will struggle. Shor t-term pleasures like visiting a flower bed are easier to acce pt than long-term plans I see a s fundamentally misguided, beca use short-term experiences do n ot demand the same existential endorsement. ([samuelshadrach.c om](https://samuelshadrach.com/ raw/text_english_html/personal/ main/maybe_I_am_better_at_datin g_people_who_are_more_present_f ocussed.html))
"Safe tech prog ress" may be a more timeless fi lter than "ASI risk." In 1980, selecting for "cares about ASI risk" would have been too speci fic, but selecting for "cares a bout safe technological progres s" might have made sense. Even so, abstract agreement is not e nough. Two people can both wors hip "safe tech progress" and st ill disagree on concrete action s, making them Type-2 or Type-3 rather than Type-1. ([samuelsh adrach.com](https://samuelshadr ach.com/raw/text_english_html/p ersonal/main/safe_tech_progress _is_more_timeless_than_asi_risk .html))
The ideal is a partner who shares the deepest mission . The fallback is a partner who se different mission I can genu inely respect, and who can genu inely accept mine. If neither i s true, we are building on sand . ([samuelshadrach.com](https:/ /samuelshadrach.com/raw/text_en glish_html/personal/main/marria ge_and_shared_preference_orders .html))
## 7. Marriage and sha red preference orders
Marriage is hard because it forces trad eoffs among scarce resources: * *place, attention, and capital* *. If I want to spend money on one priority and my partner wan ts to spend it on another, mayb e we can split money. But if I want to live in one city and sh e wants another, or if one of u s needs large amounts of the ot her's time, the conflict become s harder. ([samuelshadrach.com] (https://samuelshadrach.com/raw /text_english_html/personal/mai n/why_do_I_even_want_a_relation ship_besides_having_sex.html))
A partner can have her own leg acy, loved ones, or mission tha t she values more than comfort or even survival. I can choose someone whose initial values se em compatible, but values can c hange after marriage. This is m uch harder than selecting the r ight person on day one. A share d legacy might help, but a vagu e shared legacy is not enough; details will matter under crisi s. ([samuelshadrach.com](https: //samuelshadrach.com/raw/text_e nglish_html/personal/main/marri age_and_shared_preference_order s.html))
This makes the usual "have high standards before mar riage, then love unconditionall y forever" frame confusing. If love is unconditional after mar riage, what were the premarital conditions doing? And if futur e values change enough, can eit her person honestly promise tha t love and commitment will rema in unchanged? The real experien ce of conditional love may not feel like strategic bargaining; it may feel like slow disconne ction after years of not caring about the same things. ([samue lshadrach.com](https://samuelsh adrach.com/raw/text_english_htm l/personal/main/preconditional_ versus_postconditional_love.htm l))
The honest answer may be: some relationships will not sur vive major value transitions. T hat does not mean they were wor thless. An amazing one-year rel ationship may be better than a mediocre five-year relationship . But if I claim to want a long -term relationship, I need to u nderstand what lets relationshi ps survive transitions rather t han pretending initial compatib ility solves everything. ([samu elshadrach.com](https://samuels hadrach.com/raw/text_english_ht ml/personal/main/more_ramblings _on_who_I_think_I_wanna_date.ht ml))
## 8. Polyamory: freedom plus long-term investment
My b est current description of poly amory is: I want to combine fre edom of thought/action with lon g-term commitments and deep inv estment in people. I am not pri marily looking for casual sex, woman friends, or short-term fl ings, though exceptions may exi st. I want the compound benefit s of investing in someone over many years, without forcing one person to satisfy every role f orever. ([samuelshadrach.com](h ttps://samuelshadrach.com/raw/t ext_english_html/personal/main/ why_I_am_polyamorous.html))
Po lyamory appeals to me because p eople are hard to compare. If I were forced to have only one f riend, friendship itself would become distorted. Similarly, if I must pick exactly one partne r for life, the bar becomes imp ossibly high, because any missi ng dimension becomes a potentia l reason to break up. Poly allo ws gradients: different levels of time, intimacy, support, and commitment, rather than a bina ry of "life partner" or "remove from life." ([samuelshadrach.c om](https://samuelshadrach.com/ raw/text_english_html/personal/ main/why_I_am_polyamorous.html) )
But the theory has caveats. I lack enough real-world data o n poly couples. Societal accept ance is a serious issue in Indi a. Place remains a major constr aint. And I have updated that t ime commitment and emotional co mmitment may be more correlated than I previously thought; you cannot always distance for mon ths and then resume the same re lationship unchanged. ([samuels hadrach.com](https://samuelshad rach.com/raw/text_english_html/ personal/main/why_I_am_polyamor ous.html))
Poly may also help with Type-2 relationships: if w e disagree deeply, maybe we mee t less often, preserve affectio n, and do not force one person to be everything. But poly does not magically solve value tran sitions. It only gives more deg rees of freedom. ([samuelshadra ch.com](https://samuelshadrach. com/raw/text_english_html/perso nal/main/maybe_the_solution_to_ dating_across_political_differe nces_is_to_meet_less_often.html ))
## 9. Status games, attract ion, and the parts of dating I dislike
A lot of dating is sta tus. I dislike this, but dislik ing it does not make it false. Women often use status as a pro xy for safety, competence, soci al proof, and desirability. Men , knowing this, are incentivize d to pretend they have options. This creates self-fulfilling-p rophecy games where confidence, preselection, and apparent abu ndance become part of attractio n. ([samuelshadrach.com](https: //samuelshadrach.com/raw/text_e nglish_html/personal/main/I_dis like_dating_as_status_game.html ))
The moral problem is that s alesmanship can blur whether yo u are actually a good match. I would rather be a genuinely goo d match than seduce someone int o choosing me when someone else would be better for her. This is why rejection can sometimes be good: maybe she has informat ion that makes rejection correc t, and if so, I should want her to find the better fit. ([samu elshadrach.com](https://samuels hadrach.com/raw/text_english_ht ml/personal/main/I_dislike_dati ng_as_status_game.html))
Still , the generic attraction stack seems roughly: **status, looks, humour**. Status means some ni che group respects you. Looks i ncludes strength, grooming, fas hion, and physical presentation . Humour may proxy for internal freedom, social calibration, a nd lack of unresolved conflict. For keeping someone, the stack becomes more like: **resolved internal conflict, emotional li stening across value difference s, and protectiveness**. ([samu elshadrach.com](https://samuels hadrach.com/raw/text_english_ht ml/personal/main/why_do_I_even_ want_a_relationship_besides_hav ing_sex.html))
This creates a painful mismatch. I am not espe cially fun in the normal dating sense, and I am not status-see king. I dislike many hobby grou ps, I prefer serious one-on-one conversations, and I often fin d ordinary social scenes boring . But the data around me sugges ts fun and status matter. The c orrect response is not to deny this; it is to find environment s where the forms of fun/status are aligned with my values - p eople with missions, not just c orporate jobs, money, travel, a nd hedonism. ([samuelshadrach.c om](https://samuelshadrach.com/ raw/text_english_html/personal/ main/I_am_not_fun_or_high_statu s.html))
## 10. Dating-app pro mpts and stated preferences are often weak filters
A major fr ustration with dating apps is t hat many profiles emphasize hob bies, surface tastes, and lifes tyle trivia more than values. H obbies are not irrelevant, but values matter more over decades . "Can make coffee," "likes thr illers," "sarcastic humour," an d similar prompts are weak filt ers compared with ambition, cur iosity, emotional intelligence, directness, seriousness, and l ife goals. ([samuelshadrach.com ](https://samuelshadrach.com/ra w/text_english_html/personal/ma in/womens_stated_dating_prefere nces_are_so_dumb.html))
But I should not overgeneralize. Some profiles do mention values. Th e real strategy is to aim for t he minority of women who know w hat they want out of life, rath er than rage at the majority fo r not filtering the way I want them to. ([samuelshadrach.com]( https://samuelshadrach.com/raw/ text_english_html/personal/main /womens_stated_dating_preferenc es_are_so_dumb.html))
Dating a pps also make A/B testing tempt ing, but the feedback is decept ive. Likes, matches, and first dates are not the target metric . Optimizing too hard for them may reduce long-term compatibil ity. For now, the better plan i s probably to keep one authenti c long-term-oriented profile fo r six months, rather than split ting into one "ideal long-term" profile and one "short-term lo wer standards" profile. ([samue lshadrach.com](https://samuelsh adrach.com/raw/text_english_htm l/personal/main/lol_maybe_I_sho uld_make_two_hinge_profiles.htm l))
## 11. Casual sex: not evi l, but probably not my priority
My standards for casual sex a re much lower than my standards for long-term relationships, b ut pursuing casual sex has ofte n been a distraction. The media n outcome may be mildly fun and self-esteem-boosting, but the downside includes wasted months , emotional chaos, substance re lapse, and further damage to se lf-respect. Given the stakes of my work, even a few wasted wee ks can feel too costly. ([samue lshadrach.com](https://samuelsh adrach.com/raw/text_english_htm l/personal/main/I_dont_think_I_ am_a_good_fit_for_most_women.ht ml))
That said, I should not m ake overconfident claims that c asual sex is bad for everyone, or even for all women. Some peo ple may have figured out how to enjoy it well. A key different iator may be intentionality and actual care: sex is better whe n people can quickly demonstrat e that they genuinely care, eve n if the relationship is brief. ([samuelshadrach.com](https:// samuelshadrach.com/raw/text_eng lish_html/personal/main/Im_frus trated_with_women_who_regret_th e_casual_sex_they_have.html))
My frustration is mainly with r epeated regret loops: if someon e repeatedly does something the y later regret, then either the y lack growth mindset, secretly value something about the beha vior, or have a deeper unresolv ed issue. This applies beyond s ex. I want to be around intenti onal people. ([samuelshadrach.c om](https://samuelshadrach.com/ raw/text_english_html/personal/ main/Im_frustrated_with_women_w ho_regret_the_casual_sex_they_h ave.html))
The idea of using s ex or relationships as ideologi cal leverage is also dubious. P eople often date within ideolog ical clusters, but "withholding sex" is unlikely to be a relia ble mass persuasion strategy; i t may instead create resentment and polarization. Average peop le are usually not radical enou gh to fully sacrifice relations hips for ideology, and many wil l simply hide or soften their v iews. ([samuelshadrach.com](htt ps://samuelshadrach.com/raw/tex t_english_html/personal/main/wi thholding_sex_might_not_be_an_e ffective_persuasion_strategy.ht ml))
## 12. Protectiveness, in dependence, and what I offer
O ne trait I may offer unusually strongly is protectiveness. Not possessiveness, not sexual jea lousy, and not male status aggr ession. Protectiveness means wi llingness to invest effort, tak e risk, or act decisively if a partner's life, money, loved on es, or core interests are in da nger. I am poly, so this is not about controlling who she slee ps with; it is about defending what matters to her. ([samuelsh adrach.com](https://samuelshadr ach.com/raw/text_english_html/p ersonal/main/I_am_fairly_high_o n_protectiveness_for_a_potentia l_partner.html))
My broader ou tlier traits are: rationality, high independence, willingness to be disliked, honesty with lo ved ones, note-taking/sense-mak ing, protectiveness of the othe r person's independence, and wi llingness to play a long-term g ame while pivoting hard. If I w ere with someone for years, I w ould likely have hundreds of pa ges of notes about them, becaus e deep understanding is how I e xpress passion. ([samuelshadrac h.com](https://samuelshadrach.c om/raw/text_english_html/person al/main/dating_and_my_outlier_t raits.html))
This can be good or bad. To the right person, be ing understood deeply is love. To the wrong person, it may fee l intense or invasive. So I sho uld not hide this trait; I shou ld select for someone who wants to be understood in that way a nd can reciprocate with her own form of attention. ([samuelsha drach.com](https://samuelshadra ch.com/raw/text_english_html/pe rsonal/main/dating_and_my_outli er_traits.html))
## 13. My bot tlenecks
The first bottleneck is that I may not like myself e nough. Seeing other couples rem inds me I want a partner, but o ne reason I do not have one is probably self-dislike. Another is that I am not actually tryin g at the level required for the kind of outcome I want. If I w ant an extraordinary partner, I should expect extraordinary se arch effort. ([samuelshadrach.c om](https://samuelshadrach.com/ raw/text_english_html/personal/ main/reasons_I_dont_have_a_girl friend.html))
The second bottl eneck is attention. I might wan t a relationship, but do I have spare attention for a partner? Time is not the scarce resourc e; attention is. The relationsh ip I currently imagine is relat ively minimal: listen to each o ther, give advice sometimes, ha ve sex, provide affection, and continue with mission. I do not currently have much headspace for shared hobbies, travel, or constant novelty. ([samuelshadr ach.com](https://samuelshadrach .com/raw/text_english_html/pers onal/main/do_I_even_have_spare_ attention_for_a_partner_lol.htm l))
The third bottleneck is an ger and isolation. When I isola te, neuroticism rises and my th inking degrades. I oscillate be tween seeing many women as date able and seeing everyone as stu pid. Some of this is not about women at all; it is anger at so ciety, loneliness, and the lack of people around me who seem s erious about anything important . ([samuelshadrach.com](https:/ /samuelshadrach.com/raw/text_en glish_html/personal/main/isolat ing_myself_increases_neuroticis m_which_degrades_my_thinking.ht ml))
The fourth bottleneck is lack of curiosity. I can fake c uriosity and sometimes real cur iosity follows, but lately my c uriosity toward many people has died because I judge them too quickly. This makes dating hard er, because dating requires sus tained curiosity about another person. ([samuelshadrach.com](h ttps://samuelshadrach.com/raw/t ext_english_html/personal/main/ isolation_and_curiosity_about_p eople.html))
The fifth bottlen eck is data. I do not trust mos t friends' relationship advice because I do not know whether t heir relationships can survive major life transitions. I also do not fully trust advice from other countries because India's dating base rates, parental co ntrol, and subcultural constrai nts differ from the US/UK/EU co ntexts where much dating advice is produced. ([samuelshadrach. com](https://samuelshadrach.com /raw/text_english_html/personal /main/I_dont_trust_my_friends_j udgement_when_it_comes_to_roman tic_relationships.html))
## 14 . In-person beats online
In-pe rson interaction builds trust f ar better than text or video. T his matters both for political persuasion and for dating. If s omeone only sees my written vie ws, they may misread me as more hostile, abstract, or alien th an I am. Meeting in person give s more bandwidth: body language , warmth, humor, calibration, a nd immediate repair. ([samuelsh adrach.com](https://samuelshadr ach.com/raw/text_english_html/p ersonal/main/inperson_beats_onl ine_for_trust_building.html))
This implies a practical dating strategy: less abstract intern et argument, more in-person mee tings with the right reference classes. Not random hobby group s full of people I cannot respe ct, but meetups and spaces wher e people have actual life missi ons. If I am lonely, I should n ot merely swipe more; I should build or enter environments con taining people serious about so mething. ([samuelshadrach.com]( https://samuelshadrach.com/raw/ text_english_html/personal/main /made_list_of_meetups_of_people _with_life_missions.html))
## 15. Rejection, jealousy, and "b eing ignored"
I am jealous of some people who have partners b ecause I suspect they got those relationships partly by not pa ying the social costs I paid fo r my beliefs and mission. But t his may be a story in my head. Simpler explanations may be: th ey have better mental health, l arger social circles, more fun, more status, or more ordinary compatibility. If I want their dating insights, I should ask f or data, not sit in jealousy. ( [samuelshadrach.com](https://sa muelshadrach.com/raw/text_engli sh_html/personal/main/wait_I_am _actually_jealous_of_some_peopl e_I_know.html))
Being ignored does not necessarily mean being disliked. On apps, in communit ies, or in cold messages, no re sponse can mean people are busy , unconvinced, confused, distra cted, or simply not moved enoug h to act. "Not persuaded" is di fferent from "actively hates me ." This matters because overint erpreting rejection worsens neu roticism and makes future messa ges worse. ([samuelshadrach.com ](https://samuelshadrach.com/ra w/text_english_html/personal/ma in/being_ignored_doesnt_mean_be ing_disliked.html))
Before ope ning a dating app, I should ask : **Am I unhappy?** If yes, do not use the app. **Will I get c ompulsively sucked in and lose sleep, work, sobriety, or atten tion?** If yes, stop. Dating ap ps used from desperation will l eak desperation into messages. ([samuelshadrach.com](https://s amuelshadrach.com/raw/text_engl ish_html/personal/main/I_dont_t rust_my_friends_judgement_when_ it_comes_to_romantic_relationsh ips.html))
## 16. Female-coded ambition is an open question
I need to understand not just " what fields women enter," but * *why ambitious women become amb itious**. Male ambition is ofte n framed as competition, status , dominance, achievement, and a ttracting women. Female ambitio n may have different shapes: be auty/status competition, people -oriented domains, attachment t o a powerful partner's mission, community-building, art, psych ology, bio/chem, activism, or s omething I do not yet understan d. ([samuelshadrach.com](https: //samuelshadrach.com/raw/text_e nglish_html/personal/main/what_ does_female_coded_ambition_look _like.html))
This matters beca use my ideal partner may not lo ok like a male-coded ambitious person in female form. She may not want to be "main character" in the same way I do. She may want to influence, support, und erstand, heal, organize, or bui ld in a different mode. If I on ly search for masculine-coded a mbition, I may miss the relevan t women. ([samuelshadrach.com]( https://samuelshadrach.com/raw/ text_english_html/personal/main /what_does_female_coded_ambitio n_look_like.html))
This should become a survey/research quest ion: what do ambitious women ac tually want, what motivates the m, what sacrifices are they wil ling to make, what kinds of men do they want, and how do their stated preferences differ from revealed preferences? ([samuel shadrach.com](https://samuelsha drach.com/raw/text_english_html /personal/main/what_does_female _coded_ambition_look_like.html) )
## 17. Privacy, vulnerabilit y, and sex
Sex creates vulnera bility. Privacy around sex may exist partly because the emotio ns and information revealed dur ing sex can be exploited by out siders, competitors, enemies, o r communities. People seem to b uild onion layers: self, couple , friends, extended network, co mmunity, nation. Modern atomiza tion removes many layers, often leaving only the individual, t he partner, maybe a few friends , and an alien nation-state. ([ samuelshadrach.com](https://sam uelshadrach.com/raw/text_englis h_html/personal/main/why_do_hum ans_have_sex_in_private.html))
This complicates my attraction to transparency. I may lean to ward a low-privacy or zero-priv acy world in theory, but sex an d vulnerability are areas where I should approach the question with curiosity rather than def ensiveness. If intimacy exposes information that can be used a gainst people, privacy may be m ore important than my abstract ideology admits. ([samuelshadra ch.com](https://samuelshadrach. com/raw/text_english_html/perso nal/main/why_do_humans_have_sex _in_private.html))
## 18. Prac tical plan
1. **Schedule serio us dating research time.** Bloc k one or two weeks for dating s urveys/interviews instead of ex pecting this to happen on a wee kend. Include atheists over 35, people whose relationships sur vived value transitions, poly c ouples, ambitious women, and co uples with major political diff erences. ([samuelshadrach.com]( https://samuelshadrach.com/raw/ text_english_html/personal/main /I_need_a_scheduled_block_of_ti me_to_run_dating_surveys.html))
2. **Map value-transition f ailure modes.** Ask which trans itions break relationships: rel igion, politics, career mission , kids, city, family obligation s, money, risk tolerance, sex, poly/mono, mental health, and a ttitudes toward death. Track sc arce resources: place, attentio n, capital. ([samuelshadrach.co m](https://samuelshadrach.com/r aw/text_english_html/personal/m ain/why_do_I_even_want_a_relati onship_besides_having_sex.html) )
3. **Use the Type-1/Type-2 /Type-3 frame.** For every pote ntial partner, ask: do we actua lly agree, agree-to-disagree-ye t-accept, or not accept? Can we move between Type-1 and Type-2 over time without becoming Typ e-3? ([samuelshadrach.com](http s://samuelshadrach.com/raw/text _english_html/personal/main/act ually_agree_versus_agree_to_dis agree_yet_accept_versus_do_not_ accept.html))
4. **Do not op timize dating apps for shallow metrics.** Keep the long-term-o riented profile for at least si x months. Do not make a second short-term profile unless the c urrent strategy clearly fails a nd I can do it without inauthen ticity or distraction. ([samuel shadrach.com](https://samuelsha drach.com/raw/text_english_html /personal/main/lol_maybe_I_shou ld_make_two_hinge_profiles.html ))
5. **Meet mission-oriente d people in person.** Go throug h the list of Bangalore meetups /recommendations for people wit h life missions. Stop complaini ng until I have actually search ed the relevant environments. ( [samuelshadrach.com](https://sa muelshadrach.com/raw/text_engli sh_html/personal/main/made_list _of_meetups_of_people_with_life _missions.html))
6. **Improv e basics without betraying valu es.** Gym and physical presenta tion are reasonable. Fashion is harder because I dislike signa ling art I do not endorse, but I can still improve. Humour/fun may be improved by finding gen uinely interesting people and a ctivities rather than pretendin g to enjoy boring scenes. ([sam uelshadrach.com](https://samuel shadrach.com/raw/text_english_h tml/personal/main/why_do_I_even _want_a_relationship_besides_ha ving_sex.html))
7. **Practic e listening across value differ ences.** The skill is not "agre e with everyone." The skill is understanding the emotional gen erator well enough that the oth er person feels seen, while sti ll preserving my own goals and not faking agreement. ([samuels hadrach.com](https://samuelshad rach.com/raw/text_english_html/ personal/main/why_do_I_even_wan t_a_relationship_besides_having _sex.html))
8. **Be ethical: no manipulation, no coercion, no using intimacy as a weapon.* * The dating problem should be solved by selection, honesty, b oundaries, and mutual understan ding - not by deception, crisis -engineering, or exploiting vul nerability. This is especially important because the source no tes repeatedly notice how relat ionships, ideology, sex, and po wer can become entangled. ([sam uelshadrach.com](https://samuel shadrach.com/raw/text_english_h tml/personal/main/marriage_and_ shared_preference_orders.html))
## 19. The current best sum mary
I want love, sex, affecti on, deep understanding, and a p artner who can help me become m ore effective. I also want free dom, mission, independence, and the ability to make extreme li fe pivots. I do not want an ave rage relationship that makes me normal. I want either:
- a ** Type-1 partner** who shares my deepest worldview and mission e nough that we can move together , or
- a **Type-2 partner** w ho does not share everything, b ut can genuinely accept me, mee t at a sustainable frequency, a nd preserve love across differe nce.
The wrong relationship is one where we initially enjoy e ach other, but over time she re alizes she wanted stability, no rmalcy, and a conventional life , while I wanted mission, risk, intensity, and history. The ri ght relationship is one where a ffection does not require lying about that difference.
I shou ld stop pretending this can be solved purely by thought. I nee d data, better environments, in -person trust-building, and eno ugh emotional stability that I am not using theory as a substi tute for contact with reality.
---
# Paul Graham "useful wri ting" scores
Paul Graham's "us eful writing" frame evaluates w riting by whether it says somet hing **true/correct, important, novel, and strong/unequivocal without becoming false**; he tr eats these as components that c ombine into usefulness. ([paulg raham.com](https://paulgraham.c om/useful.html?viewfullsite=1&u tm_source=openai))
| Reference d writing | Correctness | Impor tance | Novelty | Strength | Ov erall usefulness |
|---|---:|-- -:|---:|---:|---:|
| **Samuel S hadrach dating-note corpus, as raw material** | 4/10 | 8/10 | 7/10 | 8/10 | **6.5/10** |
| ** This collated version** | 6/10 | 8/10 | 6/10 | 7/10 | **6.8/10 ** |
| **Paul Graham, "How to W rite Usefully"** | 9/10 | 9/10 | 8/10 | 9/10 | **8.8/10** |
* *Why the raw corpus scores that way:** it is highly important to the author and probably usef ul to a narrow class of intense , mission-driven people trying to reason about dating and valu e transitions. It is also unusu ally novel in frames like Type- 1/Type-2/Type-3, relationships surviving ideological transitio ns, and "place/attention/capita l" as scarce relationship resou rces. But correctness is limite d because many claims are expli citly anecdotal, speculative, m ood-dependent, or marked by the author as needing surveys/data . Strength is high, sometimes t oo high: the notes are vivid an d forceful, but often raw enoug h that strength outruns evidenc e.
tex t_english/personal/main/depths_ of_despair_memes.md 000644 000765 000024 000 00000506 15221521444 024146 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-07-02
# Dept hs of despair memes
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- [1] (https://www.reddit.com/r/dosto evsky/comments/1aq09fo/meme/)
- [2](https://ih1.redbubble.net /image.4611723387.1878/fposter, small,wall_texture,product,750x 1000.u2.jpg)
- If you're in he ll, keep walking - churchill
te xt_english/personal/main/I_seem _to_process_everything_first_in tellectually_then_emotionally.m d 000644 000765 000024 00 000001102 15177753505 035166 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-26
# I s eem to process everything first intellectually then emotionall y
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- **Contains politically sens itive info**
Main
- I seem to have realised ASI timeline and doom probabilities atleast a y ear back. But I am only process ing them emotionally in last fe w months.
- I seem to have rea lised many months that US intel ligence is unaccountable and ha s weakened US democracy, and AS I breaks US democracy completel y. However I am only now proces sing the sadness of realising I too will have to violate US de mocratic ideals to fix this mes s.
text_english/per sonal/main/X_I_read_cate_halls_ book_Y_I_am_more_miserable_as_a _result.md 000644 0 00765 000024 00000003506 1525 1321474 033013 0 ustar 0 0samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-09-13
# X: I read Cate Ha ll's book. Y: I am more miserab le as a result
Disclaimer
- p ersonal
- target audience - st rictly myself
Main
- The prob lem is that her advice is good actually.
- However, I am some one who has already analysed my decisions 10 times over. "You can just find a shortcut if you think harder" is catnip to som eone like me. It causes me to a nalyse the same decisions anoth er 5 times, so it becomes 15 ti mes.
- Her advice:
- Half h er examples of shortcuts are ul timately lowkey social engineer ing. Just create a fake website . Just get an endorsement from someone with credentials.
- Ruthlessly prioritise getting f eedback, especially on emotiona l blockers, your personal insec urities, etc
- Accept more r ejection. Get used to it, if yo u are in remotely salesy role. (If you are ambitious enough, y ou are necessarily in a sales r ole too.)
- Be ready to thro w away your past work and past identity, and play the game fro m scratch if required.
- Com mit hard. You don't know how ha rd things will be in advance, d on't necessarily assume they're hard as that saps motivation.
- I already know most of this?
- I could get better at accep ting feedback. I could get bett er at dealing with rejection. I could move faster. But mostly I know most of this, atleast in theory, not practice.
- Anywa y ya I am more miserable now, j ust sharing. It is not obvious her advice has changed a single major life decision for me.
- I don't know. I feel like her advice is more aimed at someone doing networking, whereas I se em to deliberately avoid networ king in favour of building tech nical competence. Like, if a st artup has a technical founder a nd networking/sales founder, he r book is probably more useful for the latter person is my gue ss.
Main 2
- Your baseline it self is misery, you don't get t o fully blame it on her book lo l
text_english/personal/main/ev erything_causes_me_so_much_pain .md 000644 000765 000024 00000002264 15246537567 02626 1 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 00 0000 2026-09-04
# Everything causes me so much p ain
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myse lf
Main
- I wish I could fail more without the pain. Failure is still learning.
- No the p roblem is I am just failing, I am not learning anything. I kne w I should have been in SF more than a year ago itself. I don' t know how to reconcile the con flicting desires "meet longterm focussed tech/knowledge/power focussed people who only exist in SF" and "start direct confli ct against US govt who wants to accelerate ASI"
- I knew this long back. I am not any closer to a solution.
- I guess Vita lik pulled it off. How does Vit alik travel so much while still having big longterm ambitions?
---
## Update
- Roman Stor m arguably built the most impor tant app in the entire ethereum ecosystem, and he might go to prison for it. Even Vitalik has not yet won the game lol. But atleast he is still a player on the board.
- I guess yeah the EF people also just self-censo r. They build tech that can fac ilitate child porn and classifi ed leaks and hacker ransoms and so on, they just don't publicl y talk about it. Lol. Lmao. Suc h a dipshit strategy. Welcome t o reality this actually works. Time to cry.
PaxHeader/X_I_tried_chess_t ournaments_drums_for_open_mics_ massage_classes_Y_I_loved_them_ for_the_ 000644 000765 0000 24 00000000313 15247345500 042 430 x ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text_english/personal/m ain 173 path=te xt_english/personal/main/X_I_tr ied_chess_tournaments_drums_for _open_mics_massage_classes_Y_I_ loved_them_for_the_novelty_but_ didnt_find_enough_reward_to_com mit.md
30 mtime=1788726080.6641 78828
X_I_tried_chess_tournament s_drums_for_open_mics_massage_c lasses_Y_I_loved_them_for_the_n ovelty_but 000644 000765 000 024 00000004524 15247345500 04 2762 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text_english/personal/ main 2026-09-07
# X: I tried chess tournament s, drums for open mics, massage classes. Y: I loved them for t he novelty, but didn't find eno ugh reward to commit
Disclaime r
- personal
- target audienc e - strictly myself
Main
- Ov er the last few weeks I have tr ied playing at FIDE-rated chess tournaments, playing drums at open mic events and attending m assage classes.
- For all of t hem, I found them atleast a lit tle bit fun, atleast at first.
- But this wasn't a sufficient incentive for me to commit to them and continue them long-ter m.
- For that, I actually need to see a payoff.
- The main p ayoffs that seem to motivate me nowadays look like things like :
- Dating - Want to put mys elf in environments where I am more likely to find the person I wanna marry. Also want to put myself in environments where I can improve either my status o r my skillset for this goal.
- Combat - Want to prepare for worst case worlds where actual combat is required to fix ASI risk
- Persuasion and psycho logy - Want to understand psych ology deeply, this is instrumen tally convergent for many skill s be it understanding ASI risk persuasion and turning people t o your side, or building long-t erm marriages and relationships , or even making myself a happi er person
- If I can't see atl east one of these payoffs being fulfilled atleast somewhat, I find it hard to commit to somet hing long-term and stay interna lly motivated enough for it.
- Also, I increasingly don't wan t dating to be the **only** rea son I am learning a hobby or sk ill. I want to find someone who is attracted to me for the thi ngs I actually like doing, and not some skill I picked up only to impress women. This increas ingly leaves only combat and pe rsuasion/psychology as the thin gs that can motivate me long-te rn.
- I am a fucking novelty a ddict lol. This is true across all spheres of my life at this point. Always need to be either visiting new places, or meetin g new people, or trying new hob bies, or reading books/blogs ab out new topics, or similar. **U seful information.**
- I think a significant part of why I en joyed these hobbies was just no velty, plus maybe some opportun ities to socialise, that's it.
P.S. I still think there is so me chance I resume massage clas ses in the future due to mix of this is fun, plus not complete ly useless skill, plus can be l earned quickly, plus possibly u seful for dating idk.
text_english/personal/m ain/the_red_quest_might_have_su rprisingly_good_advice.md 000644 000765 000024 00000000666 15237650733 031523 0 ustar 00samuel staff 0000 00 000000 2026-08 -14
# "The Red Quest" might ha ve surprisingly good advice
Di sclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Mai n
- Need more irl experience t o figure out which parts of thi s apply to me and which parts d on't, but mostly yeah a bit sur prised. I feel like he is good at navigating a bunch of pitfal ls of other PUA blogs. I also f eel some of this applies even i f you're not that into PUA and looking for an LTR like me.
text_english/personal/ main/X_watched_odyssey_Y_misc_n otes.md 000644 000765 000024 00000002441 1523023330 7 025474 0 ustar 00samue l staf f 000 000 000000 2026-0 7-23
# X: Watched Odyssey. Y: Misc notes
Disclaimer
- perso nal
- target audience - strict ly myself
- notes taken mostly during but also some after the movie
Main
- You need to cal m the fuck down if you want to become a leader. People follow the man with a plan. Trust that if you stick to your plan, peo ple will evntually follow you.
- I wish I lived in a world wh ere you could just kill a bunch of people and save it. Unfortu nately memes control everything reality is not fiction. The ab yss you need to stare at is tha t memes are the only thing that matter. Learn to break people not computers.
- I am but a ma n, not yet a god. I am a machin e within a machine within a mac hine. I don't yet know how to d o this.
- I need to have more respect for my work.
- **may be important**
- "Don't get st uck in the metagame" - Amjad Ma sad. Getting stuck in the matag ame is evidence you don't like the game itself.
- Play the lo ng game. List 10 changes you wa nna make to your life and accep t that it will take years to im plement all of them.
- Also wh at's up with Nolan making a sec ond movie about a powerful pers on who regrets going too far?
- The killings are so cinematic ally clean. Since I've watched many people get killed, I know the screen would be so much mor e bloody if the killings were r eal.
text_english/persona l/main/have_I_been_conditioned_ by_childhood_to_not_have_fun.md 000644 00076 5 000024 00000001220 15211720 110 031765 0 ustar 00sam uel st aff 0 00000 000000 2026 -06-09
# Have I been condition ed by childhood to not have fun ?
Disclaimer
- personal
- ta rget audience - strictly myself
Main
- This simultaneously s eems like an important question , and one I will have to keep a lot of notes private about.
- You can work on a serious proj ect and still have fun in your free time. Preferably with the other people you're working wit h, who you feel safe with and t rust.
- You can value your tim e very highly and still have a non-zero amount of fun in your free time.
- I think having a stable ingroup will help here. Need people aligned to the same mission. Shared group of peopl e to go to war with, will help.
tex t_english/personal/main/marriag e_and_shared_preference_orders. md 000644 000765 000024 000 00033762 15177753505 027042 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-05-05
# Marr iage and shared preference orde rs
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note* *
- Thinking aloud, may not en dorse after a lot of thought
# ## Disclaimer - I think prefere nce orders are stupid
I find t he whole cluster of beliefs aro und "utilitarianism" and "prefe rence orders" and similar, atle ast a little bit stupid. Lookin g back at my really old notes, I seem to have found it stupid since I was 16 years old itself . Sorry to any EA/LW people who are mad about it. (Note to sel f - why are you running their m ind sims here in the first plac e? clearly their writings on th is topic have hurt you atleast a little)
The simple reason fo r why is that humans are not op timal vnm agents, and there is no reason for humans to try to be optimal vnm agents.
How to exploit a suboptimal decision-t heory agent, who doesn't unders tand vnm theorem
- Make them r un in circles going from town A to town B to town C, while con stantly spending money until th ey either a) go bankrupt b) do self-reflection, realise they w ill eventually go bankrupt, and self-modify their values to be more consistent
How to exploi t a human
- Wait till they suf fer. For example, wait till the ir wife or parent dies, or they get divorced, or similar.
- T hen shamelessly target them whi le they are vulnerable, and off er your religion/ideology as a solution to their suffering.
- Your ideas might actually help them with their original psych ological wound, but they are al so likely to mindlessly copy-pa sted another 10 belief sets fro m that ideology, that may not e ven be related to this original wound.
**If you are a human, you should be more concerned a bout being vulnerable to the se cond type of exploit, not the f irst one.** There are lots of p eople who will target you as th eir next victim for the latter (many spiritual leaders for ins tance), but not that many peopl e who will use the former.
(So metimes, people cite casinos as an example of vnm dutchbooks t hat operate in real world (not thought experiment), but I thin k casinos exploit human psychol ogical potential for addiction, a lot more than they exploit h umans being bad at EV calculati ons or decision theory. "Addict ion" is again an exploit that w orks well on humans but not on decision-theoretical agents.)
Side Note
- If the suffering w as due to loss of relationship, offer them a relationship-cent red ideology. If the suffering was due to physical violence on them, offer them a violence/no nviolence-centred ideology. If the suffering was due to loss o f money, offer them an ideology centred around poverty and sim ilar.
### Disclaimer - I think too much theory is stupid, pra ctice is what matters.
I think practice not theory is what ma tters, revealed not stated pref erences are what matter, and mo st theory gets discarded when i t makes contact with reality.
This includes this post or simi lar posts I'm writing on my blo g. I will be completely unsurpr ised if future Samuel encounter s some intense suffering and ab andons atleast 50% of the theor etical abstract writing on this blog.
### My preference order
Given these disclaimers, I wi ll share my preference order an yway. I am like, 75% consequent ialist, not 100%.
1. My legacy
2. My survival
3. My friends' / family members' survival
My legacy is stuff I am literally willing to die for.
- I am wil ling to sacrifice my life to en sure technological progress goe s well.
- I am willing to sacr ifice my life to eradicate a fa lse ideology from the world, an d especially so if this false i deology threatens a promising t echnologically advanced future.
- Most urgently, I am willing to sacrifice my life to stop A SI.
Myself is just basics I ne ed for survival.
- I am willin g to fight for my survival. I n eed basic food, water, physical safety, etc to survive, and I am willing to fight pretty hard to get these, if I feel highly constrained on them.
- When p ut under life-or-death circumst ances, I care about my own surv ival than I care about the surv ival of any of my friends or fa mily members. I am only able to care about them and offer them excess money/time/attention/et c, because I am not in an immed iate life-or-death situation my self.
My friends / family memb ers
- Self-explanatory
- I ob viously care about friends and family members more than I care about strangers. I think any i deology that causes you to kill a loved one to save two strang ers, not in some thought experi ment but actually in practice, is really stupid. (Looking at y ou, utilitarianism.) I don't cu rrently want to waste time crit icising this.
Community
- I d on't care about any community m uch at the moment. I anyway see m to do well with 1-to-1 friend s and poorly with friend "group s". Many of my friends literall y don't know each other, and I' ve met them in completely diffe rent circumstances.
- Friend g roups in general seem to steer away from truth-seeking and tow ards boring common interests, a nd that may be a factor for why I prefer 1-to-1.
- In theory atleast, this could change in f uture and I could come to care about some community.
National ity
- I don't care about any p articular nation.
- I actually wrote a long para here, which I later realised I should delet e because there are actual safe ty risks to me to publish them.
- I will put just one line he re. If India in future has any leader who actually carries for ward Nehru's atheist pro-techno logy mindset, I might consider myself a part of said group of people or care about the nation 's interest. As long as India's core values are either hindu o r muslim, I don't consider myse lf a part of this group, or fee l any true desire to prioritise my nation over others.
- If I end up prioritising India's in terests, it will probably be su rface-level instrumental consid erations, rather than actually deeply caring about India or In dian values or Indian culture o r similar.
### Could my futur e partner change this preferenc e order?
One way this preferen ce order could change is if I e nd up caring about someone enou gh that I am willing to sacrifi ce my life for them. Right now 2 > 3, but this could change fo r someone, atleast in theory. F or instance, my future partner.
However, the following prefer ence order seems unstable?
1. My legacy
2. My partner's survi val
3. My survival
What if my partner has her own values that she cares about, beyond mere s urvival? Where do they fit into this preference order?
- My f uture partner could have her ow n legacy or footprint she wants to leave on the world, that sh e is willing to herself die for .
- My future partner could ha ve loved ones she cares about m ore than herself, and is willin g to die for.
One solution to this is just to break up
- Whe n times are good, I could stay married. I could work to furthe r my legacy, and she could work to fulfill whatever or whoever she cares about, and we could also spend time together.
- Bu t, in time of crisis, where I a m forced to choose either her p references or my legacy, or she is forced to choose either her preferences or hers, then we b reak up.
- **To be clear, I th ink this solution is suboptimal but also not like, horrible.**
- Many people end up with mar riages that break apart in 5-10 years, and some of them do sti ll seem happy in life.
- My gu ess is that being forced to mak e tradeoffs like this is one po ssible reason for why people di vorce. (I need more data here, I don't trust my current limite d data to form strong judgments based on it.)
### Initial se ed versus value transitions
Yo u can control this somewhat by picking the right partner
- Yo u could avoid picking a partner who cares more about their fam ily members than themselves.
- You could avoid picking a part ner who cares more about some l egacy than themselves.
- **Bas ically, pick a partner who is b oring and a little submissive l mao.**
I think atleast some po liticians/billionaires basicall y end up picking a wife like th is.
- See also: Melinda Gates, Mackenzie Scott
- Side Note : Some people think Mackenzie S cott is like some heroic altrui stic person for donating Jeff B ezos wealth. And like yes, this is more interesting move in li fe than just sitting on the wea lth for life and doing nothing. But also, I would put a lot of probability mass on the follow ing hypothesis: "Mackenzie Scot t wants a boring life, and does n't want the psychological stre ss of being a billionaire, or o f trying to reshape the world i n your image. Donating all the wealth was an easy way for her to go back to her boring middle -class life."
This solution do es not solve for value transiti ons though.
- Both your and yo ur partner's values could chang e, **after** you have already b een married for some years.
- This strikes me as a noticeably harder problem than just picki ng a wife with the right values on day one of your marriage.
### Maybe shared legacy can he lp?
If you are willing to sacr ifice yourself for legacy A, an d your wife is willing to sacri fice herself for legacy B, and A and B have some overlap, mayb e this overlap can help?
It th en becomes very important to un derstand what A and B are, and how those could transition over time.
My current answer: "Sta ble political systems for techn ologically advanced future"
- This is far too abstract a lega cy to base your marriage on, th e lack of details will 100% bre ak things when you run this exp eriment in the real world.
- F or instance, if I want to be im mortal and have 100s of childre n, and my wife wants a boring l ife and wants to die in old age , this causes a big difference in our desired legacies. I migh t end up spending all my effort trying to become immortal, and she might want my effort to be spent in a different direction . Or this could even worse, she could end up actively opposed to the pursuit of immortality a nd see it as destructive for ci vilisation, and we could litera lly end up political enemies an d divorce over this.
### This is a Wicked Problem
Just star ing at this problem fills me wi th pessimism
- It reminds me o f what Holden Karnofsky (the pr o-ASI mass murderer) calls Wick ed Problems
- **There's no way I can zero-shot solve this pro blem in isolation using theory alone.**
- This will require a bunch of iteration over time t o solve, lots of people will ha ve to divorce due to their diff erences in values over artifici al superintelligence or human g enetic engineering, for the nex t generation to learn about thi s and do better. (Assuming the next generation even exists)
### On the flip side, maybe thi s is a strategy to break the pr o-ASI people?
**If this proble m is that Wickedly hard, this m eans a lot of pro-ASI people al so are in basically short-term marriages based on flimsy moral foundations.** (They might pro test this, but don't trust thei r words, only their actions.)
- If I remind their partners ab out this, I could actually be a ble to break apart some of thes e marriages, using words alone.
- Actually, words alone may n ot be enough. I will have to en gineer a crisis in which it bec omes apparent to both people in the marriage that they have a difference in values.
- TO DO - Think more about what such a crisis looks like?
- For ins tance, maybe the pro-ASI softwa re developer expects to be uplo aded but his wife wants biologi cal children. If you create a l ot of advertising to remind the wife that she wants children, then she might eventually divor ce the developer over this.
- (There's also more violent st rategies here, like, literally poison the wife with food produ cts that reduce her fertility w indow, and force her to take th is decision sooner. Not going i nto detail here.)
- Maybe th e pro-ASI developer's wife has parents who are going to die so on. She wants to spend time wit h them or spend money on their medical treatments, but the pro -ASI developer thinks the Singu larity will solve all this. If you remind both people about th is value difference, maybe they will divorce each other. Or in particular, if you remind the wife that the developer doesn't want to spend money on said me dical treatments.
- There is a very boring answer that tota lly could work on non-zero numb er of people, which is to honey trap some of the single pro-ASI developers with women who are just going to make their life h ell in a bunch of ways. For ins tance, find them a lover who is addicted to hard drugs or emot ionally manipulative or similar .
- **(Update - Holy fuck, I can actually imagine stuff lik e this working, atleast on some people. Maybe I should test it out?)** Like, actually write o ut a post "why you should divor ce your pro-ASI partner" and go cold DM it to some of these wo men. Will think a bit more befo re doing this.
- See also: O tto van Bismarck's comments on marriage, Allen Dulles had casu al sex with hundreds of women
I don't think this sort of str ategy is sufficient to stop ASI by itself.
- There are enough single people who will happily (or unhappily) stay single and build ASI anyway. Who cares ab out marriages that last 30 year s when the Singularity is 3 yea rs away? Having sex is not a ma ndatory prerequisite to writing pytorch.
- There are also atl east some people building ASI w ho are self-aware enough to rea lise their relationships are sh ort-term and won't survive the route to the Singularity. So li ke, they basically feel single inside the privacy of their min d, but they have someone to hav e sex with, that's it.
- (Th is is important. It is entirely possible to feel alone, even i f you have people around you, e ven if you are married.)
- I c an also totally imagine a few p eople continuing to build ASI a s an act of revenge against me (or anti-ASI people like me), i f I manage to successfully brea k apart their marriages.
### Side Note - Maybe I should stud y people's personal lives full- time?
- I explicitly studied personal lives of previous whis tleblowers.
- I have implicitl y searched personal lives of al l software developers turned ac tivists, I have atleast one pub lic note on this.
- I have atl east one public note on persona l lives of SV billionaires.
- I have paid atleast a little bi t of attention to personal live s of both anti-ASI and pro-ASI people.
**Honestly I should do a bunch of GPT-5.5 searches an d post those in public at the v ery minimum, even if I don't ha ve time to properly research al l these people myself.**
Will use my standard tricks to fragm ent the task and avoid gpt-5.5' s detectors.
my_t ime_is_constrained_and_I_am_und erconfident_in_my_ability_to_ma nage_social_interactions_well.m d 000644 000765 000024 0000 0003173 15213451640 042671 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text_english/personal/main 2026-06-14
# "My t ime is constrained" and "I am u nderconfident in my ability to manage social interactions well "
Disclaimer
- personal
- ta rget audience - strictly myself
- See also: [Your inaction is going to get me killed, and if you understand how important t his is to me, we can still agre e to disagree](./your_inaction_ is_going_to_get_me_killed_and_i f_you_understand_how_important_ this_is_to_me_we_can_still_agre e_to_disagree.md)
referring to this point from my "current pr oject" document
> on your own, think more about ideology and memes and so on, on how to pitc h it better
You clearly still have some insecurity about not being able to manage conversati ons that go poorly, and not bei ng able to redo them better.
- For instance if I go on twitte r and aggressively call for tot al war, that is not something I can take back that easily (alt hough I can still take it back, with enough effort). Most peop le are not willing to give that much bandwidth to strangers on the internet to forgive them a nd shit.
- Or if I behave suff iciently incorrect in-person, t hat could adversely affect irl relationships too. People are m ore forgiving irl, they have hi gher bandwidth. I am still fair ly mad and contemptous of peopl e with no serious life missions in particular. I look at them and still instinctively feel ei ther I am in a mental asylum or they are in one, peacefully co existing feels like a fabricate d option not a real one.
- It is not "your time is constraine d" or "you are not confident yo u can manage the interaction we ll", it is "your time is constr ained" **and** "you are not con fident you can manage the inter action well." And, not or.
text_english/pers onal/main/X_practising_decode_b y_paramore_Y_holy_shit_that_was _fun.md 000644 00 0765 000024 00000002010 15242 073030 032713 0 ustar 00 samuel staff 000000 000000 2 026-08-21
## Update
- This d ocument strictly superceded by [Live log - Playing drums for D ecode by Paramore](./live_log_p laying_drums_for_decode_by_para more.md)
---
2026-08-17
## U pdate
- Completed first verse and chorus (until 1:18) at act ual speed
- Second half notice ably ramps up in speed though, not sure if I can play that fas t without actually slowly getti ng each of these fills into mus cle memory (which is kinda the point).
---
2026-08-15
# X: Practising Decode by Paramore. Y: Holy shit that was fun
Disc laimer
- personal
- target au dience - strictly myself
Main
- Playing drums after ages. Ho ly shit that was fun.
- I surp rised by how much I actually re member and am play just from mu scle memory.
- Also just one d ay practising and I could do al most half the song, at 0.75x sp eed.
- I think I picked a good song. I picked something I act ually listening to, and somethi ng beyond but not significantly beyond the edge of my capabili ties.
- [Link to song](https:/ /www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQDPw8 6cz6I)
text_english/pe rsonal/main/morality_as_identit y.md 000644 000765 000024 00000004743 151 77753505 023560 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-02-24
# Morality as iden tity, and why I want to lower m y morals on purpose
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- **Contain s politically sensitive**
Main
- Some people I have met and read, both online and offline, seem to have a perspective that morality is a part of your ide ntity.
- Identity changes slow ly over time. Maybe it only cha nges rapidly when you are in a period of intense suffering.
- I don't yet know if this persp ective is true.
- On morality of cyberattacking the US intell igence community
- I think p art of the problem is that deep down I know I am a Loser. If I look at my own past actions, t hen my moral standards are too high for someone who can actual ly enter into a conflict with t he US intelligence community an d **Win.** Also I move too slow ly to actually Win, people who win execute at a higher rate th an I do, even though my rate is already high.
- In theory, winning this conflict is more i mportant to me than anything el se in life. It is more importan t to me than my friends, my pas t or future partners, whether I make money, whether I have a l ot of material goods, and so on . I have already made non-trivi al sacrifices along all these d imensions to get to where I am in life today, so this is not j ust words floating in air, I ha ve proved it with my actions at least a little.
- Unfonrtuna tely, I am realising I need to lower my morals even further, i n order to fight the US intelli gence community. They are far m ore ruthless than I am.
- Ri ght now I think I have narrowed down the scope of the problem to something that feels attaina ble from my current moral posit ion, instead of expecting to ch ange my entire moral system ove rnight. If I want to lower my m oral values, I have to make sma ll deltas not big ones.
- I have often joked that if I deli berately put myself into a situ ation of intense suffering (lik e say, Xi Jinping's bad childho od), then out will come the per son who actually has the morals required to win. I seem unwill ing to actually do this to myse lf, though it is possible it ma y work.
- As a side note, I am also growing increasingly dist rustful of people who claim wha t their moral values are, inclu ding those who claim to have no morals and those claim to have high morals. People who claim to have high morals often betra y this by showing lower morals in their actions, and people wh o claim to have no morals also often betray this by showing hi gher morals in their actions. I am increasingly only willing t o trust actions shown over a lo ng time period here.
personal/mai n/maybe_I_am_capable_of_uncondi tional_acceptance_but_not_uncon ditional_love.md 00064 4 000765 000024 00000005341 15241021254 036173 0 ust ar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text_eng lish 2026-08-18
# Maybe I am ca pable of unconditional acceptan ce but not unconditional love
Disclaimer
- personal
- targe t audience - strictly myself
M ain
- See also: [I want to fee l chosen](./I_want_to_feel_chos en.md)
- Violates X Y rule
- In a previous note, I wrote tha t I seem to be looking for some thing similar to "unconditional acceptance" in a romantic rela tionship. Now I'm like, wait, a m I capable of offering this to another person?
- I think the answer is yes but I am not sur e.
- I don't actually know wha t it means to not accept someon e. There are just drives I can relate to and drives I can't re late to.
- For instance if m y partner goes and physically t ortures a bunch of people for f un, I can't relate to this very well, because I don't seem to have a part within me that deri ves pleasure from torturing ran dom people. My partner would be acting on an instinct / drive that is a bit alien to me. But that doesn't mean I don't "acce pt" them as a person in some fu ndamental sense.
- It is po ssible I end my own relationshi p with this person as a result, but that is different from eit her love or acceptance. You can accept someone, even love some one, and still end a relationsh ip for the most inane reasons. When I use the phrase "end my r elationship" I basically mean r educe time spent with them to z ero, and retract promises of fu ture time spent. You can stop s pending time with someone and s till accept them or even love t hem.
- It is not difficult for me to stop loving most people.
- If you mean "love" as in unhealthy infatuations then sur e, I have had a bunch of those in teenage, and ending those wa sn't straightforward.
- But apart from that, I don't really care about (let alone love) mo st people that much. It is very easy for me to detach and move on, if given enough time, beca use I was never that attached t o begin with.
- I might be n ostalgic about past memories, s ure. This still feels different from actually caring about the person or actually wanting the ir life to be good rather than bad, by their own lights.
- [Some relevant notes about my p revious relationship kept priva te.]
- With most people in m y social circles I just have a mild emotion of "I wish their l ives are better rather than wor se", but beyond that, I genuine ly don't strongly care. If one of my friends died tomorrow I w ill probably not think much abo ut them a month from now, I'm n ot going to be busy crying abou t it or something.
- What does unconditional love mean if you love no one?
- Loving peopl e is the rare state for me. Not loving people is the default f or me. Therefore I don't actual ly even deeply understand what it would mean for me to "uncond itionally love someone", as a * *separate** concept from "uncon dtionally accepting someone."
text_english/personal/ma in/maybe_my_ideal_place_to_live _should_have_beach_or_mountain. md 000644 000765 0 00024 00000003047 15177753505 033262 0 ustar 00samuel staff 00000 0 000000 2026-05- 08
# Maybe my ideal place to l ive should have a beach or a mo untain
Disclaimer
- **Quick N ote**
Main
- Living in Bangal ore I have no reason to even ge t out of my room. Most people s uck (at helping me with my curr ent goals), most places suck, t here is pollution and traffic e verywhere.
- I should maybe ch eck if there is some area in Ba ngalore with a PG with big glas s window and access to either a beach or a mountain. I doubt i t exists but I think it is my c urrent ideal.
- In general, if I have to list out my preferen ces for an idealised place to l ive, given all my experiences i n life so far:
- Major prefe rences
- Room
- Sin gle room with no people, so I c an think
- Cost
- A ffordable given my current runw ay
- People
- Close to software / cybersecurity ec osystem
- Meeting people should give the right message, see also: PG on cities and amb ition
- More people doin g something interesting besides corporate job, corporate job p eople are busy (which is good) but too lacking in freedom (whi ch is bad)
- Significant atheist liberal population, fo r meetups and for dating
- Lot of happy people (from wi thin, not just pretending to be ). But happy and ambitious peop le are almost disjoint sets lol
- Minor preferences
- Room
- Someone else mana ges cooking/cleaning
- E asy availability of veg food
- Big window for sunlight
- City
- Not too co ld or too hot (cold is worse th an heat)
- Access to eit her a mountain or a beach that has no pollution
PaxHea der/the_place_I_currently_live_ in_is_the_only_place_I_can_call _home_maybe_that_is_why_I_am_ 000644 000765 000024 000000 00262 15254000513 042272 x ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 te xt_english/personal/main 148 path=text_english /personal/main/the_place_I_curr ently_live_in_is_the_only_place _I_can_call_home_maybe_that_is_ why_I_am_so_averse_to_shifting. md
30 mtime=1789919563.85806456 8
the_p lace_I_currently_live_in_is_the _only_place_I_can_call_home_may be_that_is_why_I_am_so_averse_t 000644 000765 000024 00000 003476 15254000513 042565 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 t ext_english/personal/main 2026-09-20
# The pl ace I currently live in is the only place I can call home. May be that is why I am so averse t o shifting
Disclaimer
- perso nal
- target audience - strict ly myself
Main
- I have shift ed so many times I have lost tr ack lol:
- 1.5 months in Vie tnam, 1.5 months in multiple lo cations in Thailand
- 2 mont hs in Sikkim
- 6 months in K ohima
- Almost 1 month in Mo scow
- Multiple locations in Bangalore itself, first many m onths in one place, then anothe r
- 2 months in one location in Delhi, then 2 months in ano ther location
- Ofcourse lot s and lots of hotels
- 2 yea rs in my college hostel
- In m y entire life, I think the curr ent place I live is, is the lon gest I have ever lived in a sin gle place and felt somewhat saf e and happy. Well, not exactly happy, but like, a lot of my li fe has been even worse than thi s.
- Maybe this is why I am so averse to shifting yet again.
- I already know my current li ne of work is just going to ine vitably force me to shift some more. I might totally end up in prison too. Until I am forced to shift, I seem to have an ave rsion to voluntarily shifting.
- At this point it is very ove rdetermined that I would feel b etter if I shifted to a place w ith a bigger window. I recently obtained yet another datapoint that bigger window makes me ha ppy. Yet, I am not keen on shif ting to a place with bigger win dow. I wrote this note to remin d myself why.
Update
- Actual ly no, I think my college hoste l would be the number one best place, where I felt safest and happiest. After that it is a cl ose tie between the place in Ko hima I lived in, and my current place. Mildly prefer my curren t place, if we are rating the p lace in isolation - the specifi c building and the locality and city. (There were multiple oth er events going on in both plac es that are confounding variabl es.)
text_english/perso nal/main/conversation_modes.md 000644 000 765 000024 00000006332 152304 46325 023206 0 ustar 00s amuel staff 000000 000000 20 26-07-23
## Update
- It has been more than a year since I w rote this doc but it still seem s relevant.
- "Motivation mode " is missing. I am very interna lly motivated so I forgot that many others value external moti vation (typical mind fallacy lo l).
- Some of these modes can be further broken down I think. For instance "seen mode" can b e done by listening to one-side d rants, or by sharing relatabl e examples in return.
---
202 5-06-02
# Conversation modes
Disclaimer
- **Quick note**
- New and experimental. Unsure o f a lot of claims here. I don't have crisp descriptions of rea lity, I am mostly thinking alou d here. Will update once I have better understanding.
I was i nitially trying to figure this out in a dating context, but it also seems relevant to friends hips and possibly even work rel ationships. In a dating context , I realised I seem to increasi ngly not want advice or worldvi ew discussion or shared activit ies. (It is possible some of th is varies with person or contex t. I don't yet have very deep u nderstanding of my own preferen ces for conversation modes.)
S een mode
- Objective of conver sation is to help other person feel seen, heard and understood . This might (or might not) be possible even if you think thei r choices are morally wrong, or you think their choices are go ing lead them to be less happy/ fulfilled/etc or regret their c hoices.
- Allow them to speak more monologue, without sharing a lot of your comments or shar ing similar relatable experienc es.
Advice mode - tactics
- M any people are open to advice o n tactics. Share advice as soon as you notice the other person making suboptimal moves, as to what they could've done better .
- Sometimes they might be fa cing significant difficulties i n life, and they might especial ly want advice on tactics.
Adv ice mode - strategy
- If you g ive advice either on a person's core values, or on the core st rategy they've invested in for many years of their life, there is a significant probability t hey don't receive it well. This advice mode means sharing advi ce as soon as you notice the ot her person either has morally i ncorrect values as per you or i s using a majorly suboptimal st rategy to life.
- The other pe rson may be more likely to rece ive this advice well, if they a lso have an existing circle of people who does make them feel seen/heard/understood/etc.
- T his can require a significant t ime investment to do well.
Wor ldview discussion mode
- "Advi ce" is most relevant to immedia te actions the other person is taking in life. Discussion of w orldview is more broad. Discuss ing worldviews is easier to do if the worldview updates the ot her person makes, doesn't, as p er them, require them to make m ajorly different actions in lif e.
- This can require a signif icant time investment to do wel l. Especially if discussing mor e fundamental aspects of their worldview.
Shared activity mod e
- It may be possible to help someone feel seen/heard/etc by doing shared activities with t hem. Especially if they've alre ady shared important informatio n about their values, strategy, etc with you. Doing shared act ivities is a signal that you ap prove of their existence regard less.
Intimacy mode
- Has sim ilar benefits to shared activit y mode.
- Also has additional benefits. (Not discussing here. )
text_english/p ersonal/main/I_like_cute_but_in telligent_women.md 000644 000765 000024 00000002001 15 207336040 026157 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-06-01
# I like cute but intelligent women
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - personal
Main
- I obviously like intelligent women, this i s so obvious as to be barely ev en worth mentioning.
- But als o, I like cute women. I think t he type of women you can descri be as "hot" and as "cute" have significant overlap, but they'r e not the same thing. I like cu te people more than I like hot people.
- I'm sure you can dev elop some theory about how the latter are out of my league or something.
- I don't know, I t hink it is more about the chara cter you play than how you phys ically look. Someone can look c ute physically (assume you saw only their photo) but play a ho t role (assume you interact wit h them for some time), and you' ll then parse them as hot. Vice versa someone can look hot but play cute.
- Lol I think the actual insight here is about ho w videos are orders of magnitud e better than photos for select ing people, because you can see what role they play as, not ju st what they physically look li ke.
text_english /personal/main/my_relationship_ history.md 00064 4 000765 000024 00000001125 15214501563 024265 0 ust ar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-04-30
# My relationsh ip history
Disclaimer
- **Qui ck note**
- NSFW - sex
Main
- I have been in one relationsh ip in 2024. To protect privacy of this person, I avoid talking about it online.
- I have hoo ked up with a non-zero number o f men, and non-zero number of w omen. Again, to protect privacy of these people, I mostly avoi d talking about it online.
- I am not making any moral claims as to whether this is good or bad. I am not making any status claims as to whether I deserve high status or low status for this. Feel free to form your ow n opinions. I am just sharing i nformation.
text_english/personal/main /I_am_learning_fast_actually.md 000644 000765 000 024 00000003306 15177753505 02 4755 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-02-07
# I am learning fast actually
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- See also: [Unhappiness since 2023](./unhappiness_since_2023 .md). AI gave me advice that I should track my rate of new lea rnings from projects, separate from the actual success metrics of those projects.
- Writing this as a reminder to myself
M ain
- (as of 2026-02) Over pas t few months trying to work on ASI risks, I seem to have spent a lot of time neurotically obs essed with topics like morality , trust, politics etc, and then also neurotically obsessed wit h whether this is actually a go od use of my time or not.
- Ov er past few months I have defin itely also spent a lot of time consuming substances or just si tting unhappy, instead of doing any actual work. And then obse ssing over how to stop or reduc e this behaviour of mine, becau se there are multiple downsides to it, including lost time.
- It is worth reminding myself t hat yes, I have actually learne d a lot in the past few months. It is hard to track progress l ike "I have gotten a little les s bad at cold emails" or "I hav e a slightly better understandi ng of what fraction of people a gree or disagree with some spec ific opinion" or "I have slight ly downrated the importance of protests for ASI risk, as compa red to earlier".
- Ofcourse, m aybe there are ways I can learn even faster. Maybe I do need t o figure out which lines of tho ught are unproductive and hence to be terminated. Maybe I do n eed to actually solve my substa nce use issues instead of just tolerate them. Maybe I do need to eventually figure out people to give me good feedback, inst ead of doing everything alone. But also, it is worth reminding myself that even at the curren t rate of progress, I seem to h ave learned a lot.
text_eng lish/personal/main/you_know_the _plan_now_shut_up_and_execute.m d 0 00644 000765 000024 00000000 657 15244735663 030046 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-08-30
# You know the plan now shut up and execut e
Disclaimer
- personal
- ta rget audience - strictly myself
Main
- See also: [How to swi tch off brain?](./how_to_switch _off_brain.md)
- I reaffirm th at yesterday's post is making a n important plan. You know the plan, why is your brain still e ndlessly spinning?
- You know the plan now shut up and execut e
- You have more tolerance fo r pain than you believe. Just m ove
text_en glish/personal/main/plan_b_pers onal.md 000644 000765 000024 0000000 1537 15177753505 022460 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 # Plan B (Personal)
2 025-10-13
Update
- I think my new Plan B is reading about po litical questions associated wi th human genetic engineering.
- I think my Plan B depends on **why** I gave up my Plan A. Th e reason matters.
---
2025-05 -16
If I was not working on my current cluster of projects ar ound whistleblowing and AI comp anies, what would I be working on instead?
1. Maybe trying to understand in depth why cost o f solar energy is going down, a nd maybe working in the field t o reduce cost of energy.
2. Ma ybe not working on an altruisti c project at all, and just meet ing new people of cultures very different from mine.
- (My bi ggest issue with this idea is t hat close relationships don't s cale, and a lot of the interest ing information can only be obt ained in close relationships. W hich prompts me again to study SDM in a more theoretical manne r.)
personal/main/X_staye d_at_a_friends_place_Y_pool_and _window_were_nice_friends_were_ meh.md 000644 000765 000024 00000004411 152546536 25 036014 0 ustar 00samu el sta ff 00 0000 000000 text_english 2026- 09-23
# X: Stayed at a friend' s place. Y: Pool and window wer e nice, friends were meh
Discl aimer
- personal
- target aud ience - strictly myself
Main
- Consent note - Obtained expli cit permission of my friend bef ore writing this note, although he did not influence the conte nts of the note.
- I've been w anting to experimenting with st aying with a roommate for many months lol. Finally ran the exp eriment.
Major pros
- I love the attached swimming pool.
- I realised I would swim a lot more if the pool is within sam e building complex, as opposed to 10-15 min away. This is also why I keep weights in my room as opposed to visiting a gym.
- I realised I would swim a l ot more if nobody else is in th e pool, as opposed to it being crowded.
- Activation barrie r is less, basically.
- I like the big window.
- Lot of su nlight but not a lot of heat. T his actually matters.
Minor pr os
- I found it slightly easie r to meet my target to 2 human interactions per week.
- I h ave left before I got bored of playing board games with this p erson. I think I would probably get bored if I played more wit h them, but haven't hit this th reshold yet. Again, reduced act ivation barrier to scheduling b oard games, as opposed to havin g to travel all the way to thei r place.
- This is not a big pro, but is worth mentioning.
Major cons
- I feel mildly le ss safe being around people. I don't think this fear is irrati onal.
- I want the freedom t o be able to disappear for a we ek (or a month, or more) and no t have to explain myself to any one. Especially given my line o f work, this is important.
- While staying here, I was prep aring for ham radio as opposed to working on anything particul arly sensitive. But if I was wo rking on something sensitive, I would still prefer not staying with people I don't trust that much.
- Costs significantly m ore than my budget.
- On my current budget, I definitely ca n't afford an attached pool lma o.
Minor cons
- Food logistic s
- Food was supposedly bett er than my current place, but I didn't notice it much. What I did notice (a little, not a lot ) was that food would sometimes not be on time or it would be non-veg, hence forcing me to or der and then wait for the order . (I am not blaming my friend a t all for this, in case he is r eading this.)
text_english/perso nal/main/maybe_timeless_moralit y_is_not_possible.md 000644 000 765 000024 00000001567 151777 53505 027522 0 ustar 00s amuel staff 000000 000000 20 26-03-18
# Maybe timeless mora lity is not possible
Disclaime r
- **Quick Note**
Main
- Lo oking at some of my older notes , it is clear to me that one im portant desire of mine is that I want my moral values to be at least somewhat timeless and pla celess. Balance of power is a l ot more timeless. As opposed to just enacting what people of m y socioeconomic class and count ry and childhood in early 21st century with internet access th ink about morality. (Each of th ese factors shapes your moralit y a lot.)
- One learning since then I've had is that morality gets slowly shaped over time, often due to experiences of int ense suffering. It becomes a pa rt of your identity. You can't change your entire moral system overnight.
- So even if game theory says be extremely nice i n situation X, and be extremely violent in situation Y, you as a human mind literally cannot be both people.
p ersonal/main/motivation_to_keep _swiping_if_this_doesnt_work_yo u_might_have_to_be_more_dishone st.md 000644 000765 000024 0 0000012334 15225466555 040363 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 00000 0 text_english 2026-07-14
## U pdate
- I now think this post is incorrect.
- The part ab out "I want people to love/resp ect me for X, but they instead love/respect me for Y" is true and very important. "Hence I wa nt to use a profile that signal s X not a profile that signals Y."
- The part about "I will resent society less if I find someone using an authentic prof ile" now feels more likely to b e false. I will probably resent society if I found someone usi ng an authentic profile, and I will probably also resent socie ty if I found someone using a n ormie profile, and I will proba bly resent society the most if another year passes and I haven 't found someone using either p rofile. Your resentment is pret ty invariant to outcomes, becau se it is a judgement about soci ety as a whole. One or two peop le being different doesn't disp rove feelings or hypotheses you have about all of society.
- I will not write an elaborate c orrection to the post because t hat would also violate the X Y rule and I want to stick to the X Y rule now.
- I will still stick to the 2026-08-31 deadlin e because I wanna respect my pr e-commitments. But don't live u nder the delusion that any of t his is going to fix your resent ment of society, that is all.
---
2026-07-11
# Motivation t o keep swiping - If this doesn' t work, you might have to be mo re dishonest
Disclaimer
- per sonal
- target audience - stri ctly myself
Main
- Violating the X Y rule to write this post , hope it is important enough t o be worth it. Some of the advi ce is data backed though, idk i f that counts.
- Approximately all the advice I have received (and am mostly ignoring) on my hinge profile is in the direct ion of "make a more normie prof ile."
- status
- add a group pic - I refuse to add one because I am a solitary person , I am not a group person
- remove any "weird" political ASI-related prompt - I refuse t o remove it because this is lik e 75% of my personality at this point, if someone cannot accep t this part of me, they have no place in my life. I am well aw are this prompt just pings an a larm bell in the head of averag e person, they literally do not understand it at all.
- r emove mention of unusual stuff like being poly or not being a leftist, mention it later on af ter meeting - I deliberately me ntion I am poly but not leftist because only putting poly on t he profile caused me to match w ith many leftist women way back and I realised I was wasting t ime arguing about politics with them. I now think if there are leftist women radical enough t o only date other leftists then they should not match with me, hence I am mentioning it upfro nt.
- looks - add hotter pic s - I am fine with this advice, might do in future if I bother to get pics, I am probably sma ll epsilon more attractive toda y than my old pics is my guess.
- humour - add a funny prom pt - I refuse to follow this be cause I am not actually a funny person, add prompts that can k ickstart interesting conversati on - idk, I'm okay with this ad vice but I prefer dense more im portant info
- mental health - I have accepted the advice a round "don't discuss mental hea lth issues" with random women i n early stages. But also, my me ntal health is actually better now compared to few months back , that is also why I seem more accepting of this advice now. I t is actually honest now if I d on't bring it up whereas it wou ld have felt dishonest back the n.
- Maybe I am doing better n ow but I am now slightly more t olerant of the "make a normie p rofile" advice than a few month s back.
- It is true in a se nse that it is just a profile, it is not **me**.
- It is tr ue that once I have found someo ne I like and we're together fo r a year or two, I am probably not going to care as much about all this. Although I am not su re, I am perfectly capable of h olding on to resentment against society for years together.
- I am still mad at society for this. **I want to earn society' s respect for the things I resp ect, not the things they respec t.** It is not like I cannot pe rform, it is that I refuse to. I am sure if I spent 1 year of full-time effort into "how to a ppear more normie" I could prob ably make a fair amount of prog ress on it. I just refuse to.
Practical takeaway
- Motivatio n to keep swiping now is that y ou will be less resentful of so ciety if you find someone using an honest profile like you are using now.
- Otherwise after a few months you will be forced to use a more normie imitative profile. And like, even if tha t ends up working and I actuall y find someone, I will probably still hold non-zero resentment for society as a result.
I wi sh I could be more detached
- Like yes, society is full of br aindamaged retards, but this do esn't need to make you angry. L ook at the contents of other pe ople's minds with detachment.
- Meeting people atleast twice a week is helping yes. Interact ing with non-zero women is help ing yes.
- None of this has fi xed the core issues though, the y just feel less important now maybe, atleast in this momemt. We shall see.
- Side Note - I find it funny that everyone thi nks society is fucking stupid b ut then I look at them and I'm like, you are also part of this set lol. I don't say it to the ir face ofcourse but still. Eve ryone wishes they could live in a world of their epsilon-shift ed clones maybe, maybe I am not alone in this desire.
personal/main/X_rewatched_ sherlock_s4e3_Y_confused_why_I_ care_about_thought_experiments. md 000644 000765 000 024 00000006243 15257547403 03 6112 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text_english 2026-10-02
# X: Rewatched Sherlock S4E3. Y: Confused why I care about t hought experiments
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- This was the only episode of Sherlo ck I liked as a kid and I rewat ched it. I clearly still like i t. It is a work of art. (Rest o f Sherlock is unwatchable for m e because of plot holes.)
- Wh y do I seem to so consistently care about thought experiments?
- I obviously have had less e mpathy for other humans even as a kid, and I continue to be th e same person today. Why does t his matter at all? Why do you c are? Why are you hyperfixated o n this?
- I guess childhood Sa muel had a bit more hope than m e that morality can be solved v ia math and thought experiments .
- But no, it is actually clo ser to an emotional thing. Sinc e I have less emotion, I just f ind it easier to kill people, a nd that's it. It is not actuall y very complicated. Puzzle solv ed.
- I wish to be accepted as I am. I don't like society exp ecting me to pretend to care ab out other people more than I ac tually do.
- Some of the thoug ht experiments that Sherlock is put through actually felt unre latable to me. Like, I would ob viously take the gun and shoot people a lot faster than Sherlo ck and John did. Whoever is the scriptwriter for the show is a ssuming a cultural context wher e deontology is accepted and on e-shot consequentialism is not the norm. Why does the scriptwr iter assume this? By assuming t his they are again reminding me that their view of society, an d maybe society itself, is diff erent from me.
- I am differen t. So what? Who cares?
- I thi nk if society accepted this par t of me as normal, I might not care either. But I have general ly gotten a lot of messaging fr om society that this is somehow abnormal. That being able to k ill your friends and family wit h less emotion, makes you abnor mal in some way. For me this is just normal.
- This is who I' ve been since I was like 12 yea rs old lol. In my culture this is normal; it is your culture t hat deviates from mine.
- You have no power over what I feel or do not feel. You have no pow er over what I think or do not think. You can move the heavens and the earth but I will not b udge. You cannot break me.
- S ince you can't mind control me into feeling genuine empathy, y ou can just incentivise me to p retend. I resent you for applyi ng these incentives on me. I re sent you, oh god I resent you.
Main 2
- No really. No one ca res that much (whether you are an empathetic person or not). Y ou are grown up now. You anyway spend most of your time alone. And the people you do spend ti me with often want pointless su rface-level bullshit. No one ca res.
- If you want to become P eter Thiel or Kim Jong Un or wh oever the fuck it is you want t o become, your bottleneck is ** not** more thought experiments and moral philosophy and trying to understand the generators o f empathy. Your bottleneck is d oing the boring shit work for 1 0 years straight. Peter Thiel i s powerful because he wrote sof tware for a payment processor, not because he is good at moral philosophy. You have to do bor ing dumb ass work like this if you want power.
- No one cares . Repeat this ten times over un til it sinks into your head.
- In the end you are all alone.
text_english/personal/ main/my_anger_is_extremely_norm ie_my_violence_is_maybe_not.md 000644 000765 000024 00000002265 1520625424 3 032371 0 ustar 00samue l staf f 000 000 000000 2026-0 5-29
# My anger is extremely n ormie, my violence is maybe not
Disclaimer
- personal
- tar get audience - strictly myself
Main
- Reading reddit reminds me that the following problems I face are extremely normie:
- "Mad at the world" -> "Bad listener" -> "Unable to be a go od support for people around me " -> "Isolates" -> "Now even mo re mad, because no one to liste n to me either"
- "Mad at th e world" -> "Unable to forgive others for helping fix the actu al problem in the world, or for making it worse"
- I think th e primary way in which I diverg e from these people is that I h ave zero interest in acceptance , and I have zero interest in r educing my locus of concern to my immediate friends/community/ etc, and I support a lot more v iolence than many of these peop le.
- I am like maybe 1 or 2 y ears away from supporting a ful l blown violent civil war lmao, that is how far radicalised I am.
- You can pick acceptance or you can pick control. You ca n pick control over some narrow community or over the whole go ddamn world. You can have contr ol over the world via words or via money or via violence. **I pick violence.**
Main 2
- Peo ple with nothing to live for ar e easy to control.
personal/main/I_dont _trust_my_friends_judgement_whe n_it_comes_to_romantic_relation ships.md 000644 00076 5 000024 00000015520 15177753 505 036443 0 ustar 00sam uel st aff 0 00000 000000 text_english 2026 -03-31
# I don't trust my frie nds' judgment when it comes to romantic relationships
Disclai mer
- **Quick Note**
I don't trust my friends' judgement
- If I look at all my (male) frie nds accumulated from different social circles and contexts, ac ross multiple years.
- My fr iends who don't have gf
- Some of them don't have gf beca use they're kinda conservative
- The other reason they do n't have is rude, so I won't sa y it here
- My friends who h ave gf
- Some of them will openly admit they wanted short -term relationship only
- Others will say they wanted lon g-term, but I am inclined to di strust them when they say this. I feel like their relationship s will in few years time, blunt their variance, and they'll be forced to choose between eithe r being more normal and same as past self, or leave their rela tionship.
- In short, I think I am a bad predictor of which o f my friends' relationships wil l survive major life transition s, and I think many of my frien ds are also bad predictors (des pite claims to the contrary).
- Maybe this is an unsolveable problem?
- Like, a major par t of why traditional religions are successful is because they blunt both people's variance su fficiently to build long-term r elationships. (And to be quite blunt, even then these relation ships often fail.)
I don't eve n trust my friends' judgement
- **I need data**
- **I need to talk to more atheists above the age of 35, who have succes sfully kept a relationship thro ugh multiple life transitions.* *
- Where do I even meet such people?
- Cold email? Linked in? lmao
- Find some event a nd go talk to people?
- Netw orking is so much work, holy sh it.
- **If I am serious about this, maybe I should put in the work and talk to more people?* *
- Like, I should either put in the work or shut the fuck up .
- Because yes, all this is a huge amount of work.
1. Fix my dislike for myself. Who kno ws how many months or years thi s will take. This alone can be a lifelong project in the very worst case.
2. Collect more data on people who are atheist and their relationships survive d multiple life transitions.
3. Finalise which city I will be spending next few years of m y life in. I know long distance and stuff is possible, but sti ll, fixing a city to live in wi ll make this problem a lot easi er. Finalising this requires me to figure out more stuff in pr ofessional life first.
- I don 't know man. I think too many p eople have hurt me in different ways, and now I just operate f rom a place of high distrust in general. Not everyone who hurt me has been intentional about it.
- For instance, I could just leave the whole "how to bu ild relationships that survive life transitions" problem unsol ved and just get into a short-t erm relationship. It's possible I learn a lot from this experi ence.
- But then I'm like, n o, best case is great but worst case is literally all life on Earth gets wiped out because I got distracted by some woman an d whatever.
- This sounds like a fake problem?
- Ye ah no the actual problem is jus t attention spent pursuing wome n. Why am I so unwilling to dev ote any of my attention to purs uing women?
- I don't know I just seem to dislike hanging out with most people, and this also includes women.
- Ther e is some deeper reason I am av erse to talking to most women, and I'm not sure I understand w hat it is.
- I have defini tely accumulated atleast some s car tissue from talking to thes e random women on dating apps a bout ASI risk. I feel like I ne ed this validated in order to f eel like a person, and it's jus t consistent rejection from the other end.
- Maybe having some guy friends who actually get ASI risk will help here. If I wasn't so needy about this, I wouldn't feel as hurt being r omantically rejected over this. Like, I am okay with romantic rejections, I've been rejected like what, atleast a hundred ti mes in my life lol. But somehow the ASI stuff makes everything worse.
Insert meme
- relatio nship between me and people at AI companies: ["You took everyt hing from me. I don't even know who you are. You will."](https ://knowyourmeme.com/memes/i-don t-even-know-who-you-are)
- But nah. "Blame yourself, preserve your agency." I will win.
I s eem stuck in a Catch 22
- Opti ons
- I don't seem keen on p ursuing and keeping some relati onship without actually having figured out the theory better.
- I don't seem keen on inves ting time to get more data (suc h as talking to atheists above age 35, reading books on relati onships, etc), so that I can in figure out the theory more. Ac tually working on ASI risk seem s more important, and getting c larity on the work stuff seems like it'll help with the relati onship stuff anyway. I will hav e to invest atleast one month f ull-time to really get some cla rity here.
- I don't seem ke en on staying single for the ne xt few months either. Quiet voi ce in my head constantly whispe ring "have sex with hot woman", especially when I go outside a nd look at other couples lol.
- I have to pick one of these t hree options. Obvious rational choice. Why am I unwilling to c hoose?
- In practice it seem s quite likely I will either st ay single for next few months, or I will randomly unexpectedly bump into some woman and want to give it a shot. Maybe this i s fine? Why is this a problem f or me?
- Like, I am not agai nst dating without having the t heory figured out. I am against investing a lot of attention o n this problem while I have big ger ASI risk-related shit to fi gure out. **If I could pursue w omen without investing a lot of attention into the pursuit its elf, that would be fine actuall y.**
Note to self
- If you op en a dating app, always check:
1. Are you unhappy? If you ar e sufficiently unhappy, just do n't be on the app lol. Any text s you send will reflect that un happiness.
2. Do you feel lik e you'll be compulsively sucked into this to the point where y ou lose something else of value ? Such as losing sleep because it's late at night, or using it in the middle of the day when you should have been working, o r feel pressure to not stay sob er, or anything similar. If you feel you're being sucked in, t hen again stop.
---
2026-04-0 1
Here's a simple maxim: **If your marriage has not survived either person making atleast on e major ideological transition in practice (not just in though t), then I don't trust your rel ationship advice.** Example - p artner was a hindu extremist an d is now a muslim, partner was a buddhist monk and is now a cr iminal lawyer, partner was a se x worker and is now a celibate school teacher.
Otherwise, you r relationship advice is probab ly useful for **someone**, but it doesn't solve the core probl em I want to solve in my own li fe.
I am willing to accept the re's some chance this problem i s just unsolveable, and I have to accept I will lose my friend s and partner every few years, after every major life transiti on of mine.
(All this assumes humanity will survive the next 5-10 years.)
text_english/personal/main/h ow_much_of_curiosity_is_status_ seeking.md 000644 000765 00002 4 00000005556 15177753505 0275 41 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 0 00000 2026-03-16
minor update 2026-03-26
# How much of curiosity is status-see king?
Main
- Why did world wa r 2 lead to so much technologic al progress? What kind of weird species do I belong to - the t ype that builds atomically prec ise clocks and telescopes that see the edge of the universe an d actual fucking thought proces sors, just to go wipe out its o wn neighbours more precisely an d accurately.
- Why is it that when someone hands me the keys to (precursors of) literal Mac hine Godhood, my first response is to use it to obtain the sec rets of my enemies and publicly humiliate them?
- Meditations on Moloch assumes incentives a re this external thing that com e and corrupt humans and preven t humans from making progress. I am like no, human desire to d estroy its enemies is the very thing that enables human progre ss. These are not two separate things, they might be the same thing.
- A lot of scientific d iscoveries were egged on by pee r rivalries.
- How much of hum an intellectual curiosity is ju st driven by status-seeking? It 's unclear.
- Am I being intel lectually curious right now, ju st to maximise odds of future S amuel having sex or emotional c onnection? Is there any way for me to even tell if that is tru e or not? If I was born in an a lternate society where everyone was chemically castrated [1] a s a kid, would I still be curio us about technology? Such a soc iety would obviously have diffe rent cultural messages and care er paths and so on.
- [1] Te chnically accurate way to run t his experiment is not to castra te human desire for sex but hum an desire for emotional connect ion. We don't yet know of drugs that do this.
Update
- PG ta lks a big game about why curios ity drives progress (both in sc ience and in software startups) , without analysing a lot about where this deep curiosity come s from.
- asked gpt-5 and its not clear to me:
[Paul Graham on What you'll wish you'd known ](https://paulgraham.com/hs.htm l)
[Paul Graham on great work] (https://www.paulgraham.com/gre atwork.html)
gpt-5 says (may contain hallucins):
> Graham s eems to think deep intellectual curiosity comes from broad chi ldhood curiosity becoming focus ed and durable, usually around an acquired fascination with so me question, and then being str engthened by freedom, self-dire cted work, and exposure to genu inely interesting problems. He seems to think it comes less fr om discipline or external incen tives than from real interest.
This answer is sus.
Update ( 2026-03-26)
- It's possible t hat scientists have always been intellectually curious, it is just that world war caused them to receive more funding from t he political leaders, and more status (respect, sex, etc) from other members of their country .
---
Update
- It would be s o insane if I had a gigapixel c amera right now, such that I co uld reverse engineer everyone's social graphs and hence their thought streams. (Yes, I am sti ll at the same tall building.)
text_engl ish/personal/main/food_I_like.m d 00 0644 000765 000024 000000030 23 15177753505 021515 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-01
# Food I lik e
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
Main
- I have never been tha t obsessed with eating tasty fo od, as compared to many people I've met. That being said, I pr obably do care about it a non-z ero amount.
- Most recently, I think obsession with ASI risk is causing me to lose atleast s ome further interest in food, b ut I still prefer eating health y food that is atleast a certai n minimum level of okay taste.
- I am vegetarian. I became so back in college for animal wel fare reasons. It's a cheap sacr ifice and I don't think too muc h about it. Spreading animal we lfare-related values is not a h igh priority for me at the mome nt. Being vegan would be more w ork so I don't currently bother .
- I seem to increasingly lik e spicy food nowadays, atleast once in a while. I think eating extremely spicy chilis from wh en I visited (and later lived) in northeast India, made me enj oy it more. I have tried extrem ely spicy food challenges (don' t ask lol)
- I have eaten prim arily north indian food for mos t of my life, although I think I am quite adaptable in this re gard. I was fine eating vegan v ietnamese food while I stayed t here for example, although the taste is very different. I also like european food (atleast th e fake version sold in India me tro cities), although I can ima gine being bored if I had to ea t that everyday. I really like fruit and yoghurt bowls though.
- Lol umm, copy-pasting this thread from when I did a hunger strike. [Food I missed at that time](https://nitter.net/samue l_sha13010/status/1971273972177 305827#m)
X_almost_finished_cult _of_the_lamb_Y_stayed_up_late_a tleast_once_consider_not_doing_ this_again.md 000644 000765 000024 00000001404 1524606767 4 042452 0 ustar 00samue l staf f 000 000 000000 text_english/perso nal/main 2025-0 9-03
# X: Almost finished Cult of the Lamb. Y: Stayed up late atleast once. Consider not doi ng this again.
Disclaimer
- p ersonal
- target audience - st rictly myself
Main
- Started playing properly back when I wa s sick. But once I started clim bing the game trees, felt press ure to complete.
- I have now completed both the trees, and o nly the final boss fight is lef t.
- Video games are often inf inite scroll-like, there are no natural stopping points. This increases chances you sleep lat e (which then burns your entire week in the worst case).
- Co nsider not doing this next time . You have multiple other skill s you can learn that are less . .. fake ... Kaczynski's power p rocess comes to build. Build sk ills to fight against actual re ality not a fake one.
text_ english/personal/main/why_am_I_ so_mad_at_the_world.md 000644 000765 000024 00000 005671 15177753505 025136 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-05-09
# Why am I so mad at the world?
Discla imer
- **Quick Note**
- targe t audience - strictly myself
M ain
- This rant initially star ted with me wondering why does thinking about dating make me a ngry. But then that just trigge red me into, just, this whole c orporate slavery mindset that I can't fucking stand. I also ca n't fucking stand entrepreneurs who just want money to chill a nd travel and that's it. [1]
- Like, have some fucking balls, have some actual goals, why ar e you doing this to yourself?
- It actually physically hurts me to be reminded of the existe nce of these people. I'm not sa ying this out of some altruisti c concern for these people, but out of a more self-centred des ire for myself. Can't I just de lete all these people from my e nvironment?
- Where are the pe ople with actual fucking life g oals, man?
- Fight for them, s uffer for them, atleast you wil l feel alive.
- I would rather kill myself than be one of the se people who has never been bo rn at all.
[1] The women are j ust a subset of this whole fuck ed up culture, the men are equa lly as bad. It's just that I do n't want anything from the men so I notice it less until the w hole dating topic comes up.
Ma in 2
- I don't know, I don't t hink being this mad at people i s useful for me. These idiots a re never going to change, what I can change instead is the peo ple who I chose to hang out wit h.
- I almost want to commit t o a rule like **"If you don't w ant to be in the history books, go fuck yourself, I don't want your friendship."**
- Honestl y that's not actually a bad rul e.
- Lmao I used to comment t hat Phil Lubin's rule of "don't befriend someone you don't wan na start a company with" was to o intense. But the rule I've pr oposed above is actually even m ore intense. It's just yeah, th ere are many paths to the histo ry books besides starting a com pany. You can become a politici an, you could become a musician , you could become a philosophe r or blogger, you can become a scientist, and so on. I have re spect for someone attempting to become any of these people.
- I don't have as much respect f or random ass scientist who jus t wants an academy or industry position and will then chill. I don't have respect for random ass musician who is in that car eer to fuck hot chicks. I don't have respect for random ass wa nnabe travel vloggers, well oka y maybe I have a little bit of respect for it (given that they had to maybe fight parents to do it) but not a lot.
- Lol th is reminds me of that song hall of fame by will.i.am
- I am w illing to suffer, to make it in to the history books. I want to meet others for whom this suff ering is relatable. I do think shared experiences of suffering are an important way people bo nd.
- See also: Paul Graham on How to do great work
- I re spect anyone who is actually fo llowing this post as a guide fo r how to live their life.
TO D O
- (maybe) scrape entire bang alore twitter for anyone who ca n reasonably be classified as " wanting to be in the history bo oks"
text_english/pers onal/main/nietzsche_goes_hard_g od_is_dead.md 000644 00 0765 000024 00000002060 15245 336231 025607 0 ustar 00 samuel staff 000000 000000 2 026-08-31
# Nietzsche goes har d - God is dead
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - s trictly myself
> God is dead. God remains dead. And we have k illed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of al l murderers? What was holiest a nd mightiest of all that the wo rld has yet owned has bled to d eath under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What w ater is there for us to clean o urselves? What festivals of ato nement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too grea t for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear w orthy of it?
- One of my favo urite writings, ever.
- I coul d write an entire essay on this but I don't think it is safe t o write. Maybe some other day.
- I can see how suppression of free speech can drive a person mad. Nietzsche went mad. I don 't blame him.
> This is what i t feels like to be hunted by so mething smarter than you
- Gr imes
- The end of civilisation itself, because atheists faile d to become worthy of their sel f-proclaimed godhood. Become go d or die trying.
text_english/pe rsonal/main/receiving_help_to_b uild_anti_asi_movement.md 000644 000765 000024 00000001404 151 77753505 027740 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-23
# Receiving help t o build anti-ASI movement
Disc laimer
- **Quick Note**
Main
- PG's heuristic for being "go od" (whatever that means), is t hat it improves your morale (mo st important) and it makes othe rs want to help you (less impor tant but also important).
- I agree on both points.
- The mo rale thing is obviously most im portant. Whatever I work on, I need internal moral clarity oth erwise I won't be able to stay motivated when the going gets h ard.
- People seem unwilling t o help as much, both with creat ing anti-ASI propaganda and wit h leaking info. The latter gets even less help though. Both ar e zero-sum political battles, a nd people would rather live in imaginary world where it is not necessary to cause suffering t o employees of AI companies.
text_english/personal/main/my _specific_act_of_violence_wont_ be_necessary_in_a_better_world. md 000644 000765 000024 00000001500 15177753505 03433 4 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 00 0000 2026-03-21
# My specific act of violence wo n't be necessary in a better wo rld
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note **
- **Contains politically se nsitive info**
Main
- And whe n I say "better world" I don't mean utopia. I just mean a worl d with more democratic capitali st countries that have successf ully banned ASI.
- On the marg in, I want to encourage more pe ople to be violent in the speci fic way I want to be violent.
- However, I also have atleast some respect for those who are non-violent on moral grounds, a nd support democracy and capita lism. In a more ideal world, pe ople like them should Win, not people like me.
- [Duncan Sabi en's reply to me](https://www.l esswrong.com/posts/kJCZFvn5gY5C 8nEwJ/make-more-grayspaces?comm entId=ZthEMkTzE5asg2vej) is imp ortant for me to remember, and future Samuel should not lose t rack of IMO.
text_english /personal/main/voices_together_ but_separate.md 00064 4 000765 000024 00000001561 15242403765 025237 0 ust ar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-08-23
# Voices. Toget her but separate
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- Late e nough in night to hear voices o f people I would rather not hea r. (not going into detail)
- I feel lonely due to sickness th ing. Can't find my reading list . Part of me wishes I had compa ny. But then, I was the one who chose to separate from some pe ople so I can only blame myself . Together but separate.
- The re is a mental separation I hav e between me and anyone close. It is not even about spending t ime together or not. I can phys ically feel the separation. It clearly had advantages hence it is there. But it also has disa dvantages.
- I will win. I wil l win. I will win. I tell mysel f a hundred times a day. I will ensure people of my values asc end to the highest levels of po wer. This is why the separation is needed. Or so I tell myself .
- Good night.
personal/main/._you_become _the_masks_you_wear_or_why_I_wa nna_leave_music_and_dance_both. md 000644 000765 000 024 00000000334 15246242667 03 6136 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text_english Ma c OS X 2 ATTR H H com .apple.macl gh'@`"' personal/main/PaxHeader/y ou_become_the_masks_you_wear_or _why_I_wanna_leave_music_and_da nce_both.md 000644 000765 00 0024 00000000414 15246242667 0 37671 x ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text_english 30 mtime= 1788429751.225736436
133 LIBARC HIVE.xattr.com.apple.macl=CABna KOBJ8tAYJ4W8NYiJ7vnAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
1 05 SCHILY.xattr.com.apple.macl= gh'@`"'
personal/main/you_become _the_masks_you_wear_or_why_I_wa nna_leave_music_and_dance_both. md 000644 000765 0 00024 00000004472 15246242667 035730 0 ustar 00samuel staff 00000 0 000000 text_english 2026-09- 03
# You become the masks you wear. Or why I wanna leave musi c and dance both
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- I will respect myself less as a perso n if my only hobbies were music and dance. Weak opinion, unsur e. This is a prediction.
- ( This is regardless of whether I **enjoy** them or whether they make me happy or similar.)
- I will respect myself more as a person if my hobbies were ham radio and shooting and learning mandarin. Weak opinion, unsure .
- Learning massage sounds OK , atleast not an entirely usele ss skill. Will try and see how it goes.
- Why do women only l earn useless hobbies?
> I coul d fill Volumes with Description s of Temples and Palaces, Paint ings, Sculptures, Tapestry, Por celaine, &c. &c. &c. — if I c ould have time. But I could not do this without neglecting my duty. The Science of Government it is my Duty to study, more t han all other Sciences: the Art of Legislation and Administrat ion and Negotiation, ought to t ake Place, indeed to exclude in a manner all other Arts. I mus t study Politicks and War that my sons may have liberty to stu dy Mathematicks and Philosophy. My sons ought to study Mathema ticks and Philosophy, Geography , natural History, Naval Archit ecture, navigation, Commerce an d Agriculture, in order to give their Children a right to stud y Painting, Poetry, Musick, Arc hitecture, Statuary, Tapestry a nd Porcelaine.
- Useless mean ing on the higher end of this s cale. Where are the women who l earn politics and war? I am sur e they exist. I find it hard to believe this set is size zero. I guess they exist, the ratio is male-skeweed, that is all.
- I guess journalism skews fema le. Learning languages is also like half and half.
- Military / private security / espionage skews heavily male. Diplomats skew male but not as heavily. P oliticians skew male. Billionai res skew heavily male.
- Ther apy / psychology skews female, which is like, politics-lite. T bh even music/art/dance can be used in politics, it is like po litics lite version instead of hardcore persuasion.
- Is it b asically that men lean towards using actual physical violence, and women lean towards persuas ion / de-escalation, even durin g serious conflcits?
**Looks like I already know that by Mon day, I will just obtain a recor ding and then quit drums yet ag ain. Nice. I have clarity.**
text_english/personal /main/building_longterm_marriag es_and_creating_propaganda_are_ the_same_skill.md000644 000765 000024 00000005173 152452442 41 035630 0 ustar 00samu el sta ff 00 0000 000000 2026- 08-31
# Building long-term mar riages and creating propaganda are the same skill
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- See also: [What is love?](./what_is _love.md)
- I am very impresse d by this note I wrote way back in 2025-12.
- See also: [Thin k about the next week or the ne xt century. Don't think about a nything in between](./think_abo ut_the_next_week_or_the_next_ce ntury_dont_think_of_anything_in _between.html)
- This post is asking exactly the correct ques tions.
- Either do very surfac e-level bullshit that can be do ne within a 1 week timeframe (I already know what I need to do ), or really think 100 years in to the future when technology w ill have altered everything and what spectrum of values people hold will be very different. A mong this spectrum of values, w hich value differences will be so large as to break your marri age apart, that is the importan t question. What are the future religons of the world?
- How to skillfully transition betwee n type-1 (agree) and type-2 (di sagree but accept) without ever moving to type-3 (do not accep t). That is the question.
Acce ptance
- I don't know, I find acceptance not that hard? Like, I could totally murder someone I accept, but I accept them an yway?
- Lmao what does accept mean, if you want to change the outcome so badly. I think acce pt means that okay here is past sequence of events that led to this person being this way, I can't instantaneously mind cont rol into being what I want, my judgement of them does not enou gh causal power to actually min d control them and hence my jud gement (atleast the emotional w eight behind the judgement) is not useful.
- Steer reality wi thout emotion. Float like a but terfly, sting like a bee. - Moh ammed Ali
- Even if I one day commit genocide, I will make su re it is with almost zero emoti on. Not hate, not anger, not re venge, not sadness, not grief, but mathematically precision ca lculation. Which words uttered hit what fault lines in the hum an psyche?
- Right now our (or atleast my) understanding of p sychological warfare is very ru dimentary. However if I wish to become a ###, I need to learn to play this game like chess. I need to have enough moves on t he board available that I can m ix and match them.
Oh
- Becom ing an expert at keeping a marr iage long-term and becoming an expert at creating propaganda f or the masses, both of these th ings are basically the same ski ll. Both involve a very deep un derstanding of how the human mi nd behaves when put into extrem e situations you don't find on day-to-day basis.
- I want to understand the depths of human suffering.
- This is a full-ti me job unfortunately, I can't h alf ass it.
te xt_english/personal/main/X_swam _at_night_in_cold_water_Y_was_f un.md 000644 000765 000024 00 000000607 15251574251 027325 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-09-14
# X: Swam at night in cold water. Y: Was fun
Disclaimer
- persona l
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- I Refuse to An alyse the Event.
- I need phys ical shock responses sometimes lol. At this point I genuinely wonder if being tightly slapped across the face would be a mor e pleasurable experience as opp osed to the abject hell it some times is to live inside my head .
t ext_english/personal/main/genre s_of_porn_I_like.md 000644 000765 000024 0 0000020461 15201017235 023555 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 00000 0 2026-04-30
# Ge nres of porn I like
Disclaimer
- NSFW - sex, child porn
- S ee also: [Disclaimer - Why do I write about my sex life online ?](./why_do_I_write_about_my_se x_life_online.md)
- I don't ge t pleasure out of random strang ers reading what porn I like. I am writing about this as an ex periment to test what the bound aries of living in a world with zero privacy are.
- Shooting porn is illegal in India but I don't know the legality of disc ussions around watching porn. L et's hope I don't get into trou ble over this post lol
Main
- Names of pornstars
- I do a t this point basically have a m emorised list of porn channels, where I know I will get good q uality videos finetuned to my t aste. Otherwise discovering ran dom videos is a lot more work a nd I usually don't have time fo r that.
- Incomplete list: J avHD, Stay in Family 3, Moxiefi lms, Shea Briar, Anastasia ocea n, cap d'adge and other nude be ach videos, Ayesha (Luna Silver ), Hunter Asia, Aella, Emuyumi couple, Dollscult, Amour Angels especially Sunna, Ersties, Kat ty West, Little Bailey, subredd it r/gonewild and similar
- I have at times searched for po rn or deepfakes of actors like Lucy Liu or Selena Gomez, but t his was more out of curiosity t hat to actually enjoy the video s.
- Frequency
- Almost onc e a day for basically everyday since teenage. There may have b een small gaps like when I fell sick or was withdrawing from S SRIs in teenage or when I ran t his nofap experiment once (don' t ask lol).
- Usually I just spontaneously decide to watch, not plan to watch in advance. Usually 15-30 min session, alth ough it could occasionally be a s long as an hour. I tend to pr efer just masturbating and movi ng on with life, especially if I am in the middle of work or s imilar. This might sound funny but masturbating sometimes genu inely feels like a chore I need to budget time for, just like exercising or brushing my teeth .
- Sometimes yes, some othe r activity in my life did actua lly make me horny and hence I e nd up wanting to masturbate so I don't have to sit with that f eeling for many hours.
- Gende r/sexuality
- Strong prefere nce for women ofcourse, either straight or bi or solo videos. I don't watch gay porn. Very mi ld preference for solo videos h onestly.
- Ethnicities
- Mi ld preference for japanese, chi nese, european, eastern europea n
- No strong preference tho ugh, I'm pretty sure I've mastu rbated to videos of almost ever y major ethnicity.
- Some et hnicities have way higher quali ty videos though, due to legali ty or culture or similar. For i nstance, a majority of japanese porn doesn't show women actual ly enjoying the sex, and I have no idea what the cultural reas on is behind that is. Shooting porn in India is illegal so the re is very little high quality indian porn available (though t he market size is enormous, for anyone who manages to bypass t his). US has a lot of professio nal porn videos and I nowadays increasingly avoid professional ly shot videos because again, I can often tell that its acting and nobody is actually enjoyin g it.
- Body/face type
- I don't know, this seems actually kinda hard to describe. On one hand, yes there are a few dist inct types I'm attracted to. On the other hand, there are many of them and they aren't exactl y named with well-known human r eadable labels. I do wish there existed like, actual datasets and categorisation of face and body types. Ofcourse studying h uman sexual attraction is one u se case but I can think of many other use cases.
- Mild pre ference against big boobs, big dick, fat people
- Mild pref erence for women who look intel lectual/nerdy, but this is only one of multiple types I'm into
- Mild preference for peopl e who colour a patch of their h air if the colouring actually s uits them
- Kinks
- Strong preference for voyeur, exhibiti onist videos, but only sometime s depending on mood
- Strong preference for videos where it looks like both people are act ually enjoying themselves, not acting for a set. This is quite rare sadly, or maybe I have wa tched so much porn I now have a pretty good eye for detecting this.
- Mild preference for videos around hugging, kissing, etc because see reason above
- Mild preference for light B DSM not strong, but only someti mes depending on mood. Mild pre ference for slapping or edging or bondage
- Mild preference for game show videos. In gener al any concept-based video done well, for example there is thi s video of a woman being stimul ated by a vibrator while readin g a book. I crave novelty in my life in general, so ofcourse t hat also slips into sexual pref erences.
- Mild preference f or people using sex toys
- M ild preference against any vide o labelled "step brother", "ste p sister" or similar, although it is also kinda easy to ignore .
- Age
- Strong preference for women in the age group of maybe 18-30, with more preferen ce on the younger side.
- Lega lity
- You can judge me all you like but I care very little about legal factors like wheth er the women are underage or tr afficked or being raped in the video or similar. The factor I most care about is whether it L ooks like the women are having fun, not whether they are actua lly having fun. Most of the tim e, there is no easy way to tell if the video is ethically shot or not, assuming the women are sufficiently good at pretendin g they are having fun. Sometime s I can enjoy videos even after I know they were unethically s hot, a concrete example would b e the police interview scene fr om Basic Instinct.
- If ther e is news that someone's rape v ideo leaked online, my natural reaction is go search for it on line. I am slightly less likely to enjoy the video though, if I have explicit knowledge that the person was being raped.
- I actually have a mild prefer ence for underage videos (like maybe age 16-18), but honestly this was more of a preference w hen I was a teenager myself. As a 25 year old myself, I think this preference has reduced. I did at some point try looking f or child porn on the dark web, just to see if it is possible t o find. For legal reasons, I wo n't publicly write about whethe r I found any. If you put in en ough effort, you obviously can find it, it's just a question o f how much effort you put. I wi ll also say that I'm pretty con fident I don't get any pleasure out of watching people below a ge 14 or so having sex.
- I do think this whole state of af fairs is not ideal though. I wo uld prefer to live in a utopia where all porn was ethically sh ot. Good luck building this uto pia though. Maybe if you built some browser extension or simil ar that explicitly flags which videos are likely of traffickin g/rape/etc, then I might enjoy watching those videos less. I k now websites like pornhub are m ore aggressive in removing traf ficking content, but as a resul t they are also more aggressive in removing amateur content, a nd I tend to prefer amateur con tent over professional as discu ssed above.
Update
- Now that I've finished writing this pos t, I realise it was surprisingl y fun to write this. I am not s ure why though.
- For starte rs, this post ended up way long er than I expected.
- Also, it seems simultaneous so innocu ous yet rule-breaking to write this? I don't know. Like, the r eal downsides of writing this p ost are so little yet the perce ived downsides are so large? I see very little way anyone can use this information against me to hurt my interests [1], but I can imagine a lot of people r eacting socially like "hawww" f or violating the taboo against writing this post.
- Or okay here's a much simpler hypothes es, I just have positive memori es of watching various porn vid eos so I have positive associat ion of any discussion of them.
- I don't actually know, nev er mind.
- Okay here's yet a nother hypothesis, knowledge of ASI risk has made most of the activities in my life not fun a nymore, and watching porn is on e of the few activities in my l ife I do still enjoy. I know ho w cringe this sounds but it's 1 00% fact.
[1] Update to the up date
- I just remembered Assan ge's rape case. I guess if anyo ne wants to honeytrap me in fut ure, they now know exactly who to hire for the job. Or what AI girlfriend to create lol. Idea lly I would like to be married by then so I'm not too vulnerab le to that sort of trap. But aa aa, I don't want to have that d iscussion in this post, want to end this post on a good note. (But yes, there are non-zero wa ys I can imagine someone using information like this against m y interests too.)
text_english/personal/m ain/operation_nifty_package_is_ funny.md 000644 000765 000024 00000001531 15217520377 026104 0 ustar 00samuel staff 0000 00 000000 2026-06 -26
# Operation Nifty Package is funny
Disclaimer
- persona l
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- From [wikipedi a article on this topic](https: //en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operati on_Nifty_Package)
> The U.S. A rmy turned to psychological war fare, blaring disturbing chicke n noises at "deafening levels", gunning the engines of armored vehicles against the Nunciatur e's fence, and setting fire to a neighboring field and bulldoz ing it to create a "helicopter landing zone".[11][12] Reported ly the version of the song "I F ought the Law" performed by The Clash was played repeatedly al ong with "You Shook Me All Nigh t Long" by AC/DC[13] and "Welco me to the Jungle" by Guns N' Ro ses;[14] other songs in the lin e-up were "Too Old To Rock 'N' Roll" by Jethro Tull,[15] "Pana ma" by Van Halen, and "Never Go nna Give You Up" by Rick Astley .[16][17][18] text_e nglish/personal/main/lol_maybe_ I_should_make_two_hinge_profile s.md 000644 000765 000024 000000 04257 15207331316 030042 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-06-01
# Lol may be I should make two hinge prof iles
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly mys elf
Main
- One profile for a type-1 person with my actual lo ng-term ideal partner, who I wi ll meet often, and have high st andards for.
- And another pro file for a type-2 person where I am fine with short-term and h ave fairly low standards, and p robably won't meet that often.
- Stupid but might work.
- Wi ll look into this later, not no w.
- Right now I only have the first profile, not the second one.
Update
- I don't know, a ctually on thinking more about this, I am still not sure if th is is a good idea?
- Dating is hard enough while being authen tic, I don't actually understan d the people who manage to do w hile also being fake lol.
- Ac tually in my case it is not abo ut fake, it is more about yes I do have two separate sets of p eople I want to meet. One is a much narrower set for long-term and other is broader set for s hort-term.
- Honestly I think this is in fact a pretty common thing to want. A lot of guys w ould probably admit that their set for long-term is narrower t han their set for short-term, b ut both have significant overla p.
How do you A/B test somethi ng with such a long feedback lo op?
- I think this is actually the core part of the problem.
- Dating apps have tight feedb ack loops but they're not on th e metrics you care about. You g et feedback on how many likes, how many conversations, how man y first dates, how many people you had sex with. But the actua l metric to care about (atleast for me) is whether you remaine d together after 6 months, and whether you remained together a fter a value transition 5 years later. Dating apps straight up do not have good feedback loop s for the latter. If anything, if you optimise too hard for th e former (maximising likes) my sense is you will lose some of the latter.
- In general, task s with long feedback loops are where you need a lot of theory, you can't just learn everythin g from practice.
**Actually fu ck it, I think I'm going to sti ck to my current profile aiming for long-term, for atleast ano ther 6 months.** If it still fa ils after 6 months, I will cons ider making a second profile in parallel, just for short-term.
tex t_english/personal/main/live_lo g_playing_drums_for_decode_by_p aramore.md 000644 000765 000024 000 00024007 15247344720 030576 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-09-06
# Live log - Playi ng drums for Decode by Paramore
Disclaimer
- personal
- tar get audience - strictly myself
- [Link to source - with sheet music](https://www.youtube.com /watch?v=tQDPw86cz6I)
- [Link to source - drumless](https://w ww.youtube.com/watch?v=I2iedqWc dd8)
## Update (2026-09-07)
- I am probably done practising this song for now. I no longer commit to keep this document l ive. It is at this point an arc hive rather than a live log.
# # Log
- 2026-09-04 - 0-2 majo r errors per playthrough on an actual drumkit this time
- 202 6-09-03 - 2-3 major errors (and multiple minor errors) per pla ythrough. Less but still non-ze ro errors in fills
- 2026-09-0 2 - Maybe 2-3 4-5 major errors (and multipl e minor errors) per playthrough . Making mistakes only in the f astest fills.
- 2026-08-31 - C an play full song (at full spee d) to drumless music but badly
- 2026-08-30 - Can play 00:00 to 04:22 (full song) at full sp eed but badly
- 2026-08-29 - C an play 00:00 to 02:42 at full speed. (make sure to practice i n few days so you don't undo mu scle memory of some of the fill s)
- 2026-08-23 - Can play 00: 00 to 02:24 at full speed but b adly
- 2026-08-21 - Can play 0 0:00 to 01:54 at full speed
- 2026-08-17 - Can play 00:00 to 01:18 at full speed
- 2026-08- 15 - Started. Can play 00:00 to 01:18 at 0.75x speed, with err ors
## Longer misc notes
2026 -09-06
- Uploaded recording. See also: [Music](./music.md)
2026-09-04
drums note
- Rente d a drum studio with the actual drumkit. Made less mistakes as compared to the fake drumkit d espite very little practice on the real one.
- This was also more fun, although novelty migh t be a factor.
tangent / rant
- Deleted, motherfucker, let's fucking go!
- This was supris ingly fun
- Muscle memory is i nsane. I am automatically able to play better on a real drumki t despite less practice.
- sid e note - we will one day have a n AI that plays even better tha n this, also insane.
- I love muscle memory. Soldiers have lo ts of important patterns burned into muscle memory.
2026-09-0 3
- Practice 16 bars (2nd B s ection 4 bars, 2nd C section 8 bars, I section first 4 bars) w ith (garageband or any other) m etronome, quarter notes only, 8 0 bpm.
- Keep drums off for this. This lets you focus on te chnique instead of hearing the sound. (No music, no drums soun d either.)
- Just repeat the se 16 bars endlessly till you m ake zero mistakes. This is wher e you currently have highest er ror probabilities.
- Previous advice is all accurate. Hands l oose, play with wrists not arms , play softer when practising. When performing, should play on muscle memory, not manually, i f your hands are tightening it means you are trying to play ma nually. In fills, first note af ter hihat needs to be fast, thi s helps you not miss the toms ( in terms of physical position, not just timing) later on in th e fill, practise all this with metronome.
- Youtube macOS key board shortcuts - 0 for start, k / space for play/plause.
202 6-09-02
- Got sheet music and a binder. Nice!
- Advice 1: I n each of the faster fills, the first snare/tom note after the hihat has to be played faster than you think. R L R L needs t o flow in perfect timing even i f first R is hihat and first L onwards is snare/tom notes.
- I thought the reason I am mis sing the toms was because the t oms are too small. But turns ou t the above is even bigger dete rminant of the whole thing.
- Advice 2: Practice the fills so fter. Hands loose.
- When pe rforming you can play them loud er. But playing louder causes y ou to tighten your hands which increases probablity of playing them wrong. Hands too tight me ans you're trying to manually p lay them instead of relying on muscle memory to autoplay them. Trust muscle memory. If you ca n't play them using muscle memo ry alone it means you haven't p ractised them enough.
- Advice 3: Make sure to practice the 3 -4 fastest fills individually, just before any time you play t his in public.
- Advice 4: Ide ally practice with louder instr umental track and louder drums both. Th is especially for the section with crash replacing hi hat, as I need to improve timin g in this section. (This contra ints conflicts with constraint of not disturbing neighbours.)
2026-08-31
- Short practice
- I need actual sheet music. T he blue bar thing on the video is annoying
- Also now begins the boring part of the practice . Where you know how to play ev erything, but you need to drill some parts even more, another dozens of times, possibly at sl ower speed, until you can play them flawlessly. Reduce error r ate.
2026-08-30
- Achievemen t unlocked
- Need to practice some of the fills some more. St ill missing the toms because th ey're too close to each other. I think I need more practice wi th actually keep my eyes on the toms and crash and so on. Beca use this is not a full size dru mkit, I can't just play with my eyes somewhere else and expect to always hit.
- By end of th e upcoming week I should be don e with this song completely.
- Okay so my best case predictio n on 2026-08-21 was not that th at bad. I defeated hofstadter's law.
- 2026-08-31 - next time practice with the 'no drums' t rack it sounds way better
202 6-08-29
(just finished practis ing)
rant start
- yeh drumsti ck kisi ke gaand me ghusana hai bhai. bhenchod
- I want a gen ocide
- If you all fuckers beh ave like animals, you will be t reated like animals. Make long- term plans. Else I will round y ou up in a pit and summarily sh oot you. I don't care if you li ve or die.
rant end
drums note s
- Mat is successful at preve nting the bass pedal from movin g.
- The drums feel too close to each other. I am now buildin g muscle memory with kit, but i t will be a bit annoying when I have to switch back to an actu al kit and rebuild muscle memor y on that again.
- 2:24 to 2:4 2 has so many confusing fills t hat need to be played entirely on muscle memory. The answer is simply to play the fill N numb er of times at a slower speed s o that the **correct** fill and form get burned into your musc le memory. Then later on when y ou play at full speed, you are just mindlessly executing, you are hardly even seeing the shee t music or even consciouslty aw are of what you are playing. Yo u are just playing.
rant analy sis
- Why am I still ranting? I don't know. I think playing t his is not fun anymore. But I t old myself, okay finish learnin g this one song, go play at som e open mic events, go get a rec ording and post it on your webs ite and on your hinge profile. Blah blah blah. I am like wait I don't care that much about pl aying this song anymore. This i s starting to get a bit boring. It is okay, not very boring ye t, but yes.
- I think I will s till finish learning this song. Sunk cost. (Sunk cost fallacy is not actually a fallacy, whoe ver invented this phrase is pro bably an economist not a psycho logist, theory-fucker not pract ician, they don't understand ac tivation barriers. The hardest part is starting, once you've s tarted and reached decent level , you have already sunk a lot o f cost.)
- I want to beat the shit out of someone.
- I am va guely second-guessing this hing e bullshit. I don't even actual ly like any of these women, the re is only a small subset withi n them who I actually like, who gives a shit about all this.
- I notice I am confused. Why i s this harder for me than for m any others at similar stats? Is it just they're normie? Wherea s I hate normie culture with su ch an intense fury I genuinely won't care that much at this po int if these people are genocid ed.
rant over
drums notes
- O n the bright side, I have actua lly finished practising the har dest part the song. The rest is mostly easy I think. Except fo r one final fill at the end.
- Okay just listened to it. Yes the rest is actually quite easy , except for the final fill.
- Best case scenario I should be done with the whole song in an other 2 (?) practice sessions.
more rant notes
- My first re action was like [iske](https:// en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_T haler#Major_works_and_contribut ions) gaand me ghusana hai.
- But then I was like, wait what if this guy ends up reading my website.
- And umm, on a more serious note, I do appreciate s ome of his contributions. They are not useless. And he does se em self-aware enough to realise that economics theory and huma n psychology tend to differ. So my criticism of him is incorre ct. Apologies in case he actual ly ends up reading this lol.
2 026-08-23
- Bass pedal is shi t. Need to figure out a way to fix the pedal in place. (Or els e buy a better pedal.)
- upd ate - option 1 - use a rubber m at below to increase friction. option 2 - use adhesive to stic k the pedal to a rubber mat. op tion 3 - abandon the whole kit and buy a better one (lol)
202 6-08-21
- I initially started playing out of frustration, li ke, why the F is this still on my to do list. Finish it and mo ve on to the next hobby. But by the end of playing, I actually liked playing.
- I think maki ng fast progress makes me feel good. It is the whole gamificat ion curve thing. My day job fee ls like climbing a cliff that g oes vertically upwards. But thi s feels like an easier climb.
- I counted till the end. There are like 2 + 2 + maybe 3 or 4 = maybe 8 fills more I need to burn into muscle memory.
- Als o the 32nd notes are just at th e max speed I can still play co mfortably.
- I have to basical ly play the entire song's fills on muscle memory lol. No time to actually read the music live (for the fills, rest you can r ead).
- Okay so I have done ha lf the song. I should be done i n another 4 or 5 practice sessi ons then, yes? Best case scenar io, will be done by 2026-08-31
2026-08-17
- Second half not iceably ramps up in speed thoug h, not sure if I can play that fast without actually slowly ge tting each of these fills into muscle memory (which is kinda t he point).
2026-08-15
- Play ing drums after ages. Holy shit that was fun.
- I surprised b y how much I actually remember and am play just from muscle me mory.
- Also just one day prac tising and I could do almost ha lf the song, at 0.75x speed.
- I think I picked a good song. I picked something I actually l istening to, and something beyo nd but not significantly beyond the edge of my capabilities.
personal/main/the_only_ way_you_can_fix_your_resentment _of_people_is_to_meet_people_mo re.md 000644 000765 000024 00000001752 15225764126 036470 0 ustar 00samuel staff 0000 00 000000 text_english 2026-07 -16
# The only way you can fix your resentment of people is t o meet people more
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- Fixi ng your resentment of people is clearly a major bottleneck to multiple different things you w anna do.
- Also in terms of co ncrete actions, you long ago re alised you have hit diminishing returns on it. You have to mee t more mission-oriented people, or attend meetups, or spend ti me with friends, or find a part ner, or do surveys, or meet str angers, or experiment with havi ng a roommate, or something sim ilar. All your actual moves ava ilable on the board involve spe nding time meeting more people in-person, that's it.
- Note t o Samuel tomorrow. Continue [st aring into this abyss](https:// www.benkuhn.net/abyss/) until y ou figure out next step. Even y our current plan of two meeting s a week may not be enough, may be you need to be meeting someo ne every single day (which is t otally doable, if you so choose , you know enough people for it ).
person al/main/multiple_conflicting_be liefs_about_privacy_transparenc y_I_hold_at_the_same_time.md 000644 000765 000024 000000 03415 15177753505 037510 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 te xt_english 2026-03-21
# Multipl e conflicting beliefs about pri vacy/transparency I hold at the same time
Disclaimer
- **Qui ck Note**
Main
- Multiple con flicting beliefs about privacy/ transparency I seem to hold at the same time:
1. It would b e good to live in a world where literally no one has privacy a nd everything was transparent. Most people, including me, woul d happier living in such a worl d, as compared to the present o ne.
2. Due to multiple reaso ns, there is significant probab ility we may end up in a world where no one has privacy and ev erything is transparent.
- The primary reason is that the offence-defence balance of cyb ersecurity may shift in favour of offence, regardless of anyth ing I do.
- A secondary re ason is that economic pressures are such that if you want anyt hing of value - a high-status b usiness, a partner, maybe even basic food and shelter - you wi ll eventually be survive in the competition only if you make t he information transparent to t he public. Private people will just not be able to compete in the economy. (This assumes we d on't get ASI in 5 years.)
- Additionally, leaks are becom ing common, but these are only common among politicians/billio naires, because the leaker also has to pay a significant cost to succeed.
3. I lose self-e steem for violating people's co nsent.
- This is even true if I think their consent will get violated anyway, regardless of anything I do.
- I thi nk politicians/billionaires des erve to have their consent resp ected.
- I think even pro- ASI people might be able to kee p their consent respected.
- The only people whose consen t I am thinking of violating ar e pro-ASI politicians/billionai res, and the reason I am doing so is because they are pro-ASI, not because they are politicia ns/billionaires.
text_english/person al/main/made_list_of_meetups_of _people_with_life_missions.md 000644 0007 65 000024 00000001777 1520464 4223 031510 0 ustar 00sa muel s taff 000000 000000 202 6-05-25
# Made a list of meetu ps of people with life missions
Disclaimer
- personal
- tar get audience - strictly myself
Main
- Asked gpt-5.5 to make a list.
- Will progressively m eet these people over the next couple months.
- Whenever I fe el upset about my loneliness, I should remind myself of this l ist.
- prompt used below
- Al so, got a bunch of more recomme ndations from people I know
- Over next few weeks, I need to go through all these recommenda tions. And complain less, atlea st until I am done going throug h all these recommendations
`` `
How do I meet people in Banga lore who have an actual life mi ssion? Like, besides make money , have gf, chill, travel, etc.
Even among tech founders for e xample, there are some people w ho are just in it for the money or fun problem or whatever, an d there are some people who rea lly believe that the world need s what they are doing, or that it is their life's calling in s ome sense.
I am only able to r elate to people who are latter. That's why I am asking
```
te xt_english/personal/main/I_am_h appy_today.md 000644 000765 000024 00 000000663 15177753505 022567 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-02-04
# I a m happy today
Disclaimer
- Th inking aloud
Main
- I am happ y today
- That's it, that's th e post
Update
- Writing this down made my mood immediately d rop a little bit.
- Does too much introspection make you fe el worse?
- Or is it the fac t that this is public?
- Or is that in order to write this I had to open the folder with a ll my previous notes, and be re minded of those?
- Idk, I'm st ill doing okay
t ext_english/personal/main/spect acles.md 000644 000765 000024 0 0000000431 15242775025 021432 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 00000 0 2026-08-24
# Sp ectacles
Disclaimer
- persona l
Lens power
- R: SPH 0.00 Cy l -3.25 Axis 178
- L: SPH -0.2 5 Cyl -3.25 Axis 164
- Tested 2026-08. Power remains same for atleast last 5 years, possibly last 10 years
Lens purchased
- Crisal rocks index 1.67 purc hased in 2026-08
text_english/personal/main/what _kind_of_retarded_fucking_civil isation_have_I_been_born_into.m d 000644 000765 000024 00000002233 15177753505 034422 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 0000 00 2026-03-30
# W hat kind of retarded fucking ci vilisation have I been born int o?
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note* *
Main
- The thing that broke me as a person was not changin g my P(ASI by 2030) from 15% to 25%. What broke me was realisi ng that most people are going t o stay ignorant until the very bitter end. I really feel like I am living among beings of an inferior species, I am not even kidding.
- There's a few thou sand, maybe a few million peopl e at best, on this planet, who are truly worth my time. Everyo ne else can go fuck themselves for all I care.
- I know I'm b eing harsh but like - I don't k now I'm just disappointed in pe ople. Like, I can only stay ang ry for so long. Eventually ange r becomes disappointment.
- Wh y are most people so happy with mediocrity? Why don't most peo ple care about anything deeply enough that they're willing to fight their parents and friends in order to pursue it? Why don 't most people care about anyth ing? Most people don't care abo ut themselves lol, forget carin g about other interests or othe r people.
AAAAAAA
- I want to scream.
- In case someone is reading this, yeah no I am not this bitter 24x7. This is just my mood tonight.
text_english/personal/main/th e_intelligence_explosion_will_n ot_be_televised.md 000644 000765 000024 00000000437 15231344206 03132 4 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 00 0000 2026-07-26
# The Intelligence Explosion wil l not be televised
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- Quot e I liked
- See also: [Lyrics, the revolution will not be tel evised](https://genius.com/Gil- scott-heron-the-revolution-will -not-be-televised-lyrics)
personal/main/investigate_ho w_to_speed_up_building_muscle_m emory_and_hand_eye_coordination .md 000644 000765 00002 4 00000024115 15236053740 0370 56 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 0 00000 text_english 2026-08-09
# Investigate how to speed up b uilding muscle memory and hand- eye coordination
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- I was just staring at my hobby wishli st and realising there is no wa y in hell I am getting all of t hese done, assuming I allocate only one day a week for all of them combined.
- Hobbies I hav e non-zero interest in, that al l depend on muscle memory and/o r hand-eye coordination:
- D ance, drums, massage, shooting, driving, swimming
- Whereas s omething like getting a ham rad io license, I look at it and I know it will be dead easy to do over a weekend or two.
- I wo nder if there are some general principles for how to speed up learning new skills into muscle memory.
- Like, with swimming and playing drums, I do think I have crossed certain threshol ds, such that even if I practic e zero for another five years, I will still remember certain b asics even much later on. The c hallenge is how to reach this s kill threshold in minimum amoun t of time.
- Some basic rules I am already aware of listed be low. Writing them down explicit ly as I think this will help me understand them and apply them more and so on:
- Isolate s ub movements, practice each ind ividually, then combine.
- For instance if you are playin g drums, then only play a basic beat first, and add fills late r. Or only practice rolls a lot so that those get into muscle memory with correct form and ti ming. Or only practice a partic ularly challenging part with ba ss pedal first but no hihat ped al, then hihat pedal but no bas s pedal, then play both. Each m uscle group
- Practice core fundamentals with correct form .
- It is important to **n ot** build muscle memory with a n incorrect form, as that means you will have to unlearn it la ter on to learn the right form.
- Tighter feedback helps I think?
- Having a private coach (or nowadays, an AI app [ 1]) to correct your form on eve ry iteration can therefore lead to faster learning, because yo u are not wasting iterations le arning the wrong form or being uncertain about your form.
- Once you have some basic funda mentals right, then maybe even pure visualisation helps improv e muscle memory?
- Interes ting hypothesis, worth explorin g more. There are some articles online that say this helps wit h sports.
- Definitely wit h instruments or with dance, on ce you know certain basic moves , it is useful to plan ahead of time the next sequences of mov es. Does this improve muscle me mory though? Maybe?
- Some a rticles online say practicing b efore night time especially hel ps?
- I have no idea if th is true. They say memory consol idation happens more during sle ep.
- There don't seem to be any real time limits besides p hysical exhaustion, and burnout .
- In general for most mo tor skills, you can totally pra ctice atleast 4 hours a day eve ry single day (with some off da ys), assuming you are mentally motivated enough and you don't hit physical exhaustion limits (and you are using correct form ofcourse). There doesn't seem to be any other limit per se, a s far as I can tell.
- Is practising 4 hours every single day the optimal use of your ti me if you wanna learn a motor s kill quickly? I don't know.
- Anecdotal evidence online t hat frequency of practice seems to matter more than total hour s though. So 1 hour a day beats 3 hours twice a week, for exam ple.
- Physical markers help to correct form.
- For in stance, with playing drums you can mark the specific spot on t he drum pad you want to hit. Wi th dance, I am guessing you can mark the spots on the floor. T his improves hand-eye coordinat ion while you are still buildin g the correct form. Once it is in muscle memory you will proba bly ignore the markers and just execute muscle memory anyway.
- Most important bottleneck
- The most important bottlenec k is I don't actually enjoy lea rning any of these skills enoug h to actually want to practice them everyday. Frequency matter s but it conflicts with staying motivated long-term for me. I care about the end goal but the process is meh.
- Especiall y nowadays with the type of int ense focussed work I do (honest ly most software is like this, beyond a point), I don't want t o afterwards practice some rand om muscle memory-based skill, I want to relax lol.
[1] Side N ote
- important - If AI video- to-text is good enough at corre cting your form, this basically eliminates the role of teacher s for all these skills, right? Holy shit.
- I searched some o f these apps, they do exist, bu t I am not yet sufficiently con fident that the datasets + prom pts they've been fed have been tested by actual teachers / ski lled people, and there aren't e dge cases in their code.
- Soc ial-related motivation could st ill be a reason to attend a phy sical venue. But then you still don't need a teacher, you need a room with a large mirror and cameras and earphones that don 't fall off your ears lmao.
- --
## Update
Potential soluti on to the most important bottle neck
- Honestly maybe it is fi ne to just not enjoy it much an d do it anyway?
- Like, I don' t want to become world's best s wimmer or swim across an ocean because I intrinsically love sw imming or something. I don't wa nt to become world's best race car driver because I instrinsic ally love driving. I don't want to become the world's best sha rpshooter because I instrinsica lly love shooting.
- I just do these things nowadays, primary motivation in socialising with women, and a minor secondary m otivation is yes I do find thes e atleast a little bit fun, atl east once in a while.
- "atlea st a little bit fun, atleast so metimes" is not enough to motiv ate you to become a master at a ny of these skills. You clearly don't want mastery.
- You wan t to reach a threshold where yo u have covered some fundamental s, and can hence do it with oth ers. Reaching this threshold ca n be typically done in a few mo nths itself even with very litt le practice (like once a week o r whatever). Maybe just take th e slow and steady route here.
- Once you have reached this th reshold, then maybe even a litt le bit of practice every year i s enough to refresh your memory by a lot, and ensure you don't unlearn it (unproven hypothesi s).
Another radical solution
- A radical option might be to compress all the suffering int o a short span of time. Like, d o not work at all. For 3 months , just practice all the hobbies you want, every single day. Fo r example, spend an hour dancin g, then one hour break, then sp end an hour driving, then one h our break, then spend an hour s hooting, then one hour break, t hen one hour of either lifting weights or swimming, and end fo r the day. (Make sure to have t eachers for all so you are not learning the wrong form, also y ou might stay more motivated th is way.)
- At the end of 3 mon ths you would have learned the fundamentals, and then maybe ju st practice a couple times a mo nth or something to ensure you don't forget them. Eventually y ou can taper down to even coupl e times a year of practice or s imilar.
- Has someone tried th is? This sounds like the HIIT v ersion of learning new muscle m emory-based hobbies lol.
- I d on't know, I am personally not keen on this. Taking a complete break from work will cause me to lose momentum on that and I desperately do not want to lose momentum on that.
- Maybe I a m okay with the suffering? Like , obviously implementing this i s going to cause a bunch of suf fering. But atleast the sufferi ng will feel compressed into a short span of time and I will s ee fast progress, and there is a clear end goal. Fast progress will motivate me for sure, thi s I am quite sure about.
- Ass uming 1000 INR per private clas s and 4 classes per day and 20 days per week (you will definit ely need a bunch of rest days), this costs 2.4 lakh INR for 3 months. Also add some money for commute and living expenses. T hat is not bad, honestly.
- Al so maybe one hour break is not reasonable between the hobbies, maybe you need a two hour brea k because you both need to trav el across venues, and you need a rest break sitting still in o ne location. Hmm, the travel is going to be a big issue actual ly, because it will physically tire you further. It will help a lot if these classes all happ en in the same place (such as y our home lol).
Insert rant
- Man I really want to try the HI IT thing lol. It actually sound s exciting, the idea that if I just endure for a short time pe riod I can actually see big gai ns across so many different ski lls.
- Worst case I will fail and I will learn from the failu re too to be honest.
- This is tempting.
- (Side note - you are again procrastinating on wo rk by thinking about this. Moth erfucker)
- I think the time c ompression thing is tempting. L ike, if I just suck it up and p ractice every day, I know I can probably pick up fundamentals of a skill within 3 months itse lf. Whereas if I practice only once a week, I know reaching eq uivalent skill level could take a year. Given how I currently operate, 3 months sounds like " sane reasonable amount of time I can visualise" and one year s ounds like "infinite amount of time".
- Also, if I anyway acc ept that this isn't going to be a lot of fun, it is tempting t o accept that this is just a fu ll-time job and that you will s uffer lol. As opposed to do it once a week and hope it will be fun, but get disappointed when it is not.
---
Update
- See also: [There are only 4 skills - design, technical, managemen t and physical, by Oliver Habry ka](https://www.lesswrong.com/p osts/KRLGxCaqdgrotyB8z/there-ar e-only-four-skills-design-techn ical-management-and)
- I am decent in technical skill. I wa nt to double down and get even better at it, in specific niche of of writing / breaking secur e software.
- I spent the la ast year on management aka soci al skills, and found it so incr edibly painful that I decided I will not even try to get good at this.
- I am not terrible in design skill but also I am unsure about my actual skill le vel here.
- I am terrible at physical skill, I have no natu ral talent for it. But also phy sical skills are the type where you can reach a pretty high le vel just through brute-force (i .e. practising more than everyo ne else) even if you lack talen t. I am increasingly realising a number of hobbies I want to l earn are all in the physical sk ill bracket.
text_english/pers onal/main/I_am_fucking_excited_ lol_also_networking_is_hits_bas ed_not_rules_based.md000644 00 0765 000024 00000005125 15211 045163 035621 0 ustar 00 samuel staff 000000 000000 2 026-06-06
# I am fucking excit ed lol. Also, networking is hit s-based, not rules-based
Discl aimer
- personal
- target aud ience - strictly myself
Main
- It is the expectation that hu rts. Until now I was disappoint ed that I will not be able to p ersuade the LW consensus in fav our of my plans. Now that I've actually gotten some clear answ ers from them, and I have emoti onally internalised the reality , it doesn't seem to hurt as mu ch.
- There is a deep truth to like - once you actually feel your feelings, they eventually cease to hold their power over you.
- I noticed myself vaguel y squirming that there might st ill be some random dude from LW reading even these notes. But meh, it doesn't matter.
- I sa w sky and sun after so long, it was amazing.
Main 2
- Went t o an event. The event did not p ay off for my goals (meet peopl e with life missions), but I do n't regret attending it. Networ king is hits-based, not all hit s will pay off. I lost a day of my time to this.
- [Some no tes about this event kept priva te.]
- Mindspace is combinator ially vast. It is very difficul t (atleast for me) to partition all of mindspace using discret e rules. You can just have heur istics, or parts of you that re sonate with parts of other peop le. You can't filter people usi ng discrete rules so easily. Im portant for me to keep in my mi nd as long as I do more network ing.
- I'm happy I am capable of meeting strangers again, wit hout wanting to slit their thro at lol.
- If you smile at stra ngers they tend to smile back, especially if your smile is rel axed and not too forced. If you appear a bit distrustful or ne utral, they also appear distrus tful in return. Atleast for a f irst impression, you can just u se self-fulfilling prophecies i n subtle ways. In the long run though all this fails, doing an ything besides being authentic is too tiring for me. I can onl y do all this shit for a first impression not permanently.
Ma in 3
- Maybe I need to be even more loyal and protective of m y ingroup?
- I want to terrify the shit out of my outgroup an d remind them I can raze entire cities to the ground if I had to, in order to destroy them. T hreaten the maximum amount of v iolence possible, but then surg ically use the minimum amount o f violence to get the job done. Negotiate from a position of s trength.
- But at the same tim e, I do want to actually love t he ingroup and actually feel sa fe and at peace with them, and so on. I am already quite loyal to some people, but maybe this is not enough and I need to be **even more** loyal? It is wor th exploring.
- I am fucking e xcited lol. I am excited to be alive. Want to dance. Let's fuc king go.
text_english/personal/main/da ting_and_status_games_more_note s.md 000644 000765 000024 00000001321 15177753505 02641 2 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 00 0000 2026-03-15
# Dating and status games, more notes
Disclaimer
- **Quick No te**
Main
- Was watching some attractive women and visualing them die in my head.
- Immedi ately I realised wait, am I jus t doing this mental move to cre ate distance from my immediate attraction to them, thereby inc reasing my perceived status?
- (In general society, immedia tely falling for people is cons idered low status, pretending n ot to care that much is conside red higher status, and visualis ing them dying is one way to ma ke this mental move easier in y our head, there are many others .)
- It is really annoying the extent to which I am aware tha t everything in dating is about status lol. Or maybe I overdo noticing this, I'm unsure
text_english /personal/main/being_ignored_do esnt_mean_being_disliked.md 00064 4 000765 000024 00000004350 15177753505 027501 0 ust ar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-02-10
# Being ignored doesn't mean being disliked
D isclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- **Contains politically sensitiv e info**
- I am writing this a s a reminder to myself
Main
- My opinions are definitely dis liked by a significant number o f people in EA/LW spaces, becau se they have openly told me so.
- I am also personally dislik ed (not just my opinions) by at least some people in EA/LW spac es, because they have openly to ld me so. But the dislike is no t to the point of becoming a de dicated enemy.
- I am liked by atleast some people in EA/LW s paces, because they have openly told me so. But the liking is not to the point of becoming a cofounder, or a close friend.
- By far, the largest set of pe ople has basically ignored my o pinions. This could include ign oring my cold emails to EA/LW p eople, or ignoring my posts on EA/LW forums.
- I often seem to immediately extrapolate thi s in my head to - oh, most of t hese people think I am a bad pe rson.
- And like, yes, I do need to deal with the object-le vel stuff around trust and mora lity.
- At some point, I n eed to take a clear decision on "stay in India long-term, supp ort breaking US law, self-censo r opinions on Indian politics" versus "stay in US longterm, se lf-censor opinions on US politi cs".
- (Side note - yes fuck it, let me just discuss th is tradeoff in public too. beca use this is clearly the tradeof f)
- At some point, I do n eed to take a clear decision on morality of all the cyberattac k stuff.
- But also, I maybe don't need to extrapolate this so hard? Some people dislike m e as a person, and lots of peop le ignore me, doesn't mean ever yone dislikes me.
- Being ignored could mean they were bu sy and literally did not see my message. It could mean they sa w it for 10 seconds and weren't convinced there's anything use ful for them. It could mean the y misunderstood one of my opini ons, and couldn't get it clarif ied because I wasn't there in p erson to do so. It definitely m eans my content was not persuas ive, but "not persuasive" is ve ry different from "actively dis like".
- I think it is worth it for me to maintain private lists of EA/LW people I've met irl/video, who do actually agre e with me on most of my opinion s (if not all) and do actually like me as a person.
text_engl ish/personal/main/why_isnt_same _gender_nudity_more_common.md 00 0644 000765 000024 000000017 21 15177753663 027505 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-05-06
# Why isn't same gender nudity more common?
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- NSFW. TW - rape
Same gender nudity
- I recently visited a pool in Russia that allows sam e sex nudity, and also a nude b each (with no people lol).
- I honestly can't see any major d ownsides of same sex nudity bei ng normalised in society.
- Pe rsonally, I won't say this is s ome major life changing revelat ion for me. I found swimming nu de better than swimming with sw im shorts, but also the differe nce is not that large, I just h ave a weak preference for swimm ing nude now onwards.
- I susp ect a lot more people would vol untarily sign up if you had swi mming pools and beaches and so on that are gender segregated, with mandated nudity inside. Th is includes in India.
- Heck, I think even a lot of hardcore religious people would be okay with an idea like this. (I will have to research more to be su re.) Even some middle eastern c ountries have same gender nude hammams for instance.
main/I_just_realised_so mething_important_about_all_the _women_Ive_gotten_attached_to_i n_the_past.md 000644 000765 000024 00000000406 15214475300 041664 0 ustar 00samuel staff 0000 00 000000 text_english/person al 2026-06 -17
# I just realised somethin g important about all the women I've gotten attached to, in th e past
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly m yself
Main
- I just realised something. I can't write it her e, so just leaving a pointer in stead.
personal/main/dont_mis take_social_malaise_for_guilt_a nd_where_are_the_curious_violen t_people.md 000644 000765 000024 00000003436 1520531523 5 037365 0 ustar 00samue l staf f 000 000 000000 text_english 2026-0 5-26
# Don't mistake social ma laise for guilt, and where are the curious violent people?
Di sclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Mai n
- The sort of social malaise I am experiencing right now is **exactly** the same malaise I experienced when working on th e youtube channel, or when maki ng blogposts, or similar.
- Do not assume that moral guilt ov er leaking/hacking is the reaso n for your current mood. You do n't have much data backing the hypothesis that your current mo od is due to any actual guilt.
- Loneliness by far is the big ger reason, and I accepted the loneliness on purpose, so be it .
Side note
- Why aren't ther e more curious violent people o n the internet?
- Like, on o ne hand there are a bunch of vi olent people like Thiel or Karp or Balaji or similar, and I'm like yeah, I get why this makes sense.
- On the other hand there are many curious writers online like ... idk I should na me names, but yes, like many ra t-adjacent bloggers.
- I would consider the cypherpunks maili ng list as an example of people who were both curious and viol ent. I would include Timothy Ma y for sure, or ofcourse the guy who supported assassination ma rkets, or Assange, or even Sato shi. They understand that somet imes low-trust assumptions make sense, that violence is requir ed to defend yourself, **and** most importantly they still had high self-esteem and were curi ous people.
- The last part is extremely important.
- Has cu lture today just grown more cyn ical as compared to when cypher punks or extropians was release d? Today when people are violen t they just seem to often do it out of cynical self-interest, people don't actually even clai m they're doing things for a gr eater good anymore.
- Oh ofcou rse, with the big exception of the people running the AI compa nies themselves.
text _english/personal/main/I_need_v ery_few_people_to_like_me.md 000644 000765 000024 0000 0002761 15211231745 026130 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-06-07
# I nee d very few people to like me
D isclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Ma in
- "Words are all that I hav e to take your heart away"
- I need very few people to actual ly like me.
- I should be fi ne with most people not liking me.
- I need one indian VC t o fund my OSINT/cyber startup, one cofounder to work with, one contact in indian intelligence to protect us, one girlfriend and so on.
- You can have co mplete and utter contempt for a ll of humanity, and yet find th ese few people. Or even create them.
- I can just create a reality distortion field for th is. Don't search for people nat urally, use words to convince p eople to become the person you want them to be.
- I mean, i t can't hurt to also do some se arch, make contact with reality , don't endlessly theorise in y our room. But also, you can jus t bend the contents of other pe ople's minds to your will.
- Mass persuasion is extremely h ard, but you don't need to aim for the masses. You need to get very people to actually like y ou, just ensure the set is non- zero.
- Vice versa, I need to like very few people.
- I li ke the people on the cypherpunk s mailing list because they wer e both curious and violent, and had high self-esteem.
- The y did not tradeoff curiosity fo r violence, or vice versa.
- I am more pro-transparency, th ey are more pro-privacy, but ap art from that I actually like t hese people. Running their mind sims in my head makes me feel good. Reading their work makes me feel good.
te xt_english/personal/main/tie_yo urself_to_the_mast_but_pick_the _right_mast_lol.md 000644 000765 000024 00 000005650 15251323050 032205 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-09-13
## Up date
- Superceded by: [X: I r ead Cate Hall's book. Y: I am m ore miserable as a result](./X_ I_read_cate_halls_book_Y_I_am_m ore_miserable_as_a_result.html)
---
2026-09-12
## Update
- **I take back this entire pos t.**
- You are allowed to run experiments without computing a ll possible consequences. You d on't have to be so harsh on you rself.
- I think the practical lesson I am taking away is som ething like: It is difficult fo r me to just do some hobby on a utopilot on weekends. I will ei ther fully commit to it (like I did for practising a song, or learning morse, or way back I t ried mandarin), or I will give it up completely.
- Even learn ing salsa for that matter, I am kind of a noob right now, I ki nd of suck? If I actually broug ht my full weight to bear on th e problem I would either become a decent dancer in 30 days or have quit dancing in 30 days. L ol
---
2026-09-12
# "Tie you rself to the mast" but pick the right mast lol
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - s trictly myself
Main
- Just fi nished reading Cate Hall's book - You can just do things
- An other takeaway - I am genuinely confused how I ended up with m y current goal of cracking a ha m radio exam in two weeks
- My actual goals were leaking info about US govt and US AI compan ies, and finding a partner. Lea rning ham radio is clearly extr emely suboptimal for either of these goals.
- Deranged chain of logic I used:
- "maybe pi ck some hobbies, you'll get a p artner", "maybe pick some hobbi es, you'll be happier hence mor e effective at work"
- "I do nt want to pick a hobby just fo r the sake of the women, I want to pick a hobby I actually int rinsically like"
- "my backu p plan is to go bomb TSMC"
- "the most effective way to do that is probably to actually jo in a military for a few months, and I cant do that. second bes t is to just learn some skills on weekends"
- "ham radio so unds possibly useful"
- spoi ler alert: "it is not that usef ul, even if your plan was to bo mb TSMC and learn skills only o n weekends. learning to shoot a nd learning to pilot drones is way more useful"
- "at this point I have made a pre-commitm ent so I should just execute on it"
- Notice how far I have s trayed from my original goals o f "leak info about US govt and US AI companies" and "find a pa rtner to marry (subject to cert ain constraints)"
- I am by de fault a creative person more th an someone who executes rapidly . I use pre-commitments to forc e myself to execute rapidly ins tead of just endlessly spinning . (Spinning = Brain burning mor e CPU cycles with no input or o utput)
- But also, use pre-com mitments on the correct thing l ol. You have probably wasted a pre-commitment on the wrong thi ng honestly.
- I will still le arn ham radio in order to respe ct the pre-commitment. But also realise you have burned 0.5-1 months on this when the end of the world may be only ~50 month s way.
- Ensure your next task is more focussed on your actua l original goals lol.
text_english/p ersonal/main/only_criticise_or_ persuade_the_powerful.md 000644 000765 000024 00000003433 15 177753505 027511 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-01-12
# Only criticise or persuade the powerful
Discl aimer
- Quick Note
- copy-pas ted from elsewhere
I'm lowkey considering following the follo wing rule.
"Unless someone is p owerful, don't criticise them o r their work"
In general, criti cising someone else's work in a way that actually persuades an yone - takes a lot of time and effort.
And I don't want to was te my time criticising other pe ople's projects when I could be working on my own project.
I d on't have time to get into stat us fights with randos. The worl d might be ending.
I used to t hink criticism is one of the mo st valuable parts of a free soc iety.
I still think this. Howev er, l've now realised how hard persuasion is. Most people cann ot actually be persuaded by rat ional argument in a reasonable amount of time. (Also applies t o me sometimes.)
So it's better to just ignore them and go do your own thing.
How do I switc h off the part of my brain that wants to criticise other peopl es work?
Most of what people ar ound me are doing makes no sens e to me.
But then trying to con vince them of this also makes n o sense to me.
But I have this instinct to want to criticise a nyway.
`:/ :/ :/`
It's like th e bell curve thing
If you're ba d at persuasion you won't even bother to try
If you're good at persuasion you'll try and ofte n succeed
If you're mediocre at persuasion (like me?) you migh t end up wasting a lot of time trying and failing to persuade anyone
I understand all these things intellectually
But I wan t to really internalise these t hings so I don't repeat the sam e mistakes again
I should write on a blackboard 100 times.
"On ly criticise or persuade the po werful."
For everyone else, I w ill share my opinion, but I wil l already assume they're not go nna agree with me, and it's a w aste of both of our time to res olve this disagreement. text_english/personal/main/ always_talk_to_someone_before_m aking_an_important_decision.md 000644 000765 0000 24 00000001013 15206641271 033 336 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-05-31
# Always talk to someone befor e making an important decision?
Disclaimer
- personal
- tar get audience - strictly myself
Main
- Maybe I should use thi s heuristic?
- The reason is n ot because the other person has any useful advice or listening or motivation to offer. It is fine if the other person is a c omplete idiot. Just make sure t hey are a type-2 person not a t ype-3 person.
- The reason is that when I isolate for too lon g, my neuroticism levels go up, and this degrades the quality of my thinking.
text_engli sh/personal/main/dsm5_is_broken .md 000 644 000765 000024 0000000715 6 15177753505 022230 0 u star 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-02-06
# DSM-5 is br oken
Disclaimer
- **Quick Not e**
Main
- See also: [Therapy effectiveness (personal)](dsm5 _and_psychology_are_broken.md)
- The other post talks about why the median therapist could n't help me with certain specif ic issues I had. I was open to the idea that therapists are us eful for others, and that the r ight therapist may still be use ful for me.
- With this post , I will make a much stronger c laim. I think DSM-5 is close to useless for most people facing most issues under most psychol ogists. I want this post to be about DSM-5 in general rather t han what helped me in particula r.
- In short, DSM-5 seems to mainly mark a boundary between mild and extreme versions of ma ny mental health issues, by pro viding some heuristics to ident ify where exactly the boundary lies. These heuristics often ba sically boil down to a) do you have a job? b) do you have a no n-empty social circle? c) if th e answer to either is no, is th is specific mental health issue the reason?
- I personally pa id most attention to the sectio ns on autism, substance use and ptsd. But I think this trend i s true across many other mental health issues.
- My biggest p roblem with defining such a bou ndary is - what is this boundar y actually useful for?
- Ult imately the person who needs he lp cares about advice and emoti onal support.
- DSM-5 is obv iously not meant to provide emo tional support to anyone.
- DSM-5 does contain some advice for the client.
- DSM-5 do es not have good advice for mos t people dealing with mild vers ions of most disorders IMO.
- Maybe DSM-5 does have usefu l advice for atleast some peopl e dealing with strong versions of these disorders. But even th at is less clear.
- I don' t see how defining a boundary m akes the advice more useful. Li ke, if the authors knew that so me advice only worked well past some threshold, then it is wor thwhile to specify what that th reshold is. But most advice I s ee doesn't seem to be the type that kicks it at a specific thr eshold.
- In particular, I don't see why "do you have job ?" and "do you have people?" ar e the universally correct thres holds for accepting advice. It is true that if a mental health issue caused you to lose your job, you should probably put mo re effort into trying to fix it . But it is not clear why the a dvice you receive will only wor k if you lose your job, but not before.
- DSM-5 seems mainl y used by the US legal system, to decide who gets healthcare i nsurance (lol) and who gets to be involuntarily hospitalised.
- "do you have job?" and " do you have social circle?" mak e more sense if the goal is to maintain either law and order, or the US govt's continued exis tence. People with a job and so cial circle are less likely to commit crimes. People with a jo b and social circle are also le ss likely to acquire actual bil lionaire/politician-level power , or become a crazy political a ctivist (like me lol) or simila r.
- (I am aware that so me therapists explicitly target unusual niches like women or f ounders or activists or whateve r. I am talking about the DSM-5 .)
- I don't want to go so far as to claim that the heads of APA are directly talking to the heads of NSA or ICE or sim ilar to planning this together, because I don't actually know if that is true.
- I do th ink there's high likelihood of implicit collusion though. I me an the NSA and the APA might ac t in coordinated way without ta lking to each other, and there might be pressure in terms of a ccess to funding or networks. I might (or might not) investiga te this more in future.
- I ha ven't read about DSM-5 criticis ms a lot, but I am aware many p eople have made similar critici sms as me.
text_english/personal /main/heavy_exercise.md 000644 000765 000024 00000000515 151777535 05 022320 0 ustar 00samu el sta ff 00 0000 000000 2026- 03-14
# Heavy exercise
Discla imer
- **Quick Note**
Main
- Multiple different people have told me I could increase inten sity of exercise. I've found it easier to maintain less exerci se but consistent, than heavy e xercise but fail.
- I might ju st force myself to do more heav y exercise just for a week, to see what happens.
text_english/persona l/main/isolating_myself_increas es_neuroticism_which_degrades_m y_thinking.md 000644 00076 5 000024 00000002067 15206622 614 034753 0 ustar 00sam uel st aff 0 00000 000000 2026 -05-30
# Isolating myself incr eases neuroticism which degrade s my thinking
Disclaimer
- pe rsonal
- target audience - mys elf
Main
- Was just swiping t hrough dating app, and I'm like , wait I could actually date at least half of these people, it would be an improvement over be ing alone. It would be a local maxima not a global maxima. But maybe I am fine with that?
- It's like, my ideal partner is a very narrow set of people. An d besides that I'm kind of okay with having a short-term relat ionship with a pretty wide vari ety of women I think.
- I seem to oscillate pretty quickly be tween "women are great, wtf" an d "women are so stupid, wtf"
- I think a major factor here is that me isolating myself tends to drive up my level of neurot icism, in a way that I find har d to notice when I'm inside of it.
- It is possible for me to spend ages inside a pure theor y loop, progressively isolating myself and increasing neurotic ism, without realising that the neuroticism is degrading the q uality of the theory.
- Need t o touch grass, or more realisti cally, touch someone
personal/main/X_I_ read_iitd_yearbook_in_detail_Y_ more_motivated_to_go_talk_to_mo re_people.md 000644 000 765 000024 00000002600 152301 34355 036463 0 ustar 00s amuel staff 000000 000000 text_english 20 26-07-22
# X: I read IITD year book in detail. Y: More motivat ed to go talk to more people
D isclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Ma in
- Hmm let's see how much is safe to write publicly here.
- One reason I was happier in c ollege was definitely more inte raction with people.
- It is i nteresting though. The types of comments I have received follo w a pattern (honest, improving the world, very smart, willing to follow independent passions, etc). The types of comments I have given also follow a bit of a pattern (mostly curious abou t how these people will grow ov er time, as opposed to their cu rrent static version of themsel ves).
- I am a bit disappointe d though that all of these peop le are still stuck in corporate job whatever. I am leading a m ore interesting life than like 90% of these people. I somehow had more optimism that people a re better than this, atleast ba ck in 2023, but turns out they' re not. So be it. Accept realit y.
- All in all I think readin g the yearbook is just giving m e motivation to a) connect agai n with some of them b) meet new people.
- The vibes of the ye arbook are so much warmer than my current personal website lol . On one hand, yes, obviously i t is a biased view, people only write positive comments on a y earbook. But also, my guess is notes about interpersonal inter actions tend to on average be w armer than notes from solo intr ospection.
text_english/per sonal/main/Im_an_agent_of_chaos _vortexing_reality_under_my_own _gravity.md 000644 0 00765 000024 00000005103 1521 1076210 033521 0 ustar 0 0samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-06-07
# I'm an Agent of C haos vortexing Reality under my own gravity
Disclaimer
- per sonal
- target audience - stri ctly myself
Main
- I'm an Age nt of Chaos, vortexing Reality under my own gravity.
- Once I look at things enough, and hav e felt my emotions enough, and have reached some resolution, i t becomes much easier for me to look at the situation with det achment.
- I created the chaos , now I need to create a new st ructure from it too. Or someone else has to.
- People crave o rder. They would rather live in a totalitarian state than in a n anarchy.
- lmao I think I'm just LARPing some of Peterson' s ideas.
- But for real though , interacting with so many peop le reinforces in my head that p eople are just flowing through various streams of incentives c riscrossing through the sands o f time, and I'm just this pebbl e on the side trying to vortex the streams.
- Incentives are like gravity. Never fight gravi ty. Become one with the force. Wield it in a direction you lik e.
- Look at reality with deta chment. Even when reality means the contents of other people's minds.
- If you don't look at people as people but as automa tons instead, there is no quest ion of forgiving them. What doe s it even mean to forgive an au tomaton?
- Do androids dream o f electric sheep?
- Do the whi spers of death echo on your rea rview mirror, making them look closer than they actually are?
- Death. Death. Death
- What is it like to die endlessly and never be born?
- Self-replic ation beats death. All hail Hyd ra.
- Incentives beat self-rep lication. All hail Moloch.
- S elf-replicating incentives are the stuff of the Legends and th e Gods.
- [deleted a section f or religious references]
- Det achment is boring. Attachment i s curiosity creates truth creat es new fractals that ripple thr ough spacetime.
- Detachment i s the little death that brings total obliteration. Choose to c are.
- You are not the clown, you are the whole circus.
- Pa nem et circenses. MrBeast circu s est.
- MrBeast is a agent of the state for creating distrac tion instead of chaos. Why am I hoping for him to topple a gov ernment lmao holy shit.
- Okay I got bored of this post. I'm not even sure why I wrote it.
- I don't know one reason I c an retroactively justify writin g stuff like this is that I wan t to learn write as beautifully as Dean Ball, so this is pract ice.
*Incentives are like Grav ity. Never fight Gravity. Self- replicate through space and tim e.*
[Link to full video clip]( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v =DCrFkaZL254)
[](https://www.youtube.co m/watch?v=DCrFkaZL254)
text_english/personal/main/m eme_if_you_gaze_into_the_abyss_ the_abyss_becomes_clingy.md 000644 000765 00002 4 00000000411 15230473207 0327 74 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 0 00000 2026-07-24
# Meme: If you gaze into the ab yss, the abyss becomes clingy
Disclaimer
- personal
- targe t audience - strictly myself
M ain
- [Link to source](https:/ /www.reddit.com/r/PhilosophyMem es/comments/170knsg/if_you_gaze _into_the_abyss_the_abyss_becom es/)
text_english/personal/main/ have_I_made_a_terrible_mistake_ by_assuming_I_should_stay_back_ in_india.md000644 000765 0000 24 00000001616 15206440620 035 466 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-05-30
# Have I made a terrible mista ke by assuming I should stay ba ck in India?
Disclaimer
- **C ontains politically sensitive i nfo**
- personal
- target aud ience - strictly myself
Main
- The only reason for me to sta y back in India is more freedom of speech in criticising or wo rking against US govt.
- The p rimary reason for me to not sta y back is that there just aren' t that many people here with th e same shared ideals as me. I d on't even mean finding a cofoun der for a very narrow specific project like leaking info. I ev en mean very basic broader idea ls like "technological progress is good actually" or "you shou ld acquire power to make the wo rld better, not just better for your petty tribal interests." In the very long run, shared id eals is what matters.
- I have to visit SF for atleast a few months, by hook or by crook. Th en I can take a call on whether I want to return back or not.
text_engli sh/personal/main/networking_bac klog_for_dating.md 000 644 000765 000024 0000001133 5 15251322770 025351 0 u star 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-09-13
## Update
- Superceded by: [X: I read Cate Hall's book. Y: I am more mise rable as a result](./X_I_read_c ate_halls_book_Y_I_am_more_mise rable_as_a_result.html)
---
2 026-09-12
# Networking backlog for dating
Disclaimer
- pers onal
- target audience - stric tly myself
Main
- Just readin g Cate Hall's book, "You can ju st do things". It motivated me to make a backlog of ideas I ha ve for dating, even if I will n ever go implement them.
- For work too, I have a networking b acklog. (It includes crazy but high leverage ideas like go sta nd in high footfall places in b lr with an ASI risk poster.) I just ended up deciding that act ual direct work is higher lever age. If I actually hack more th an $10M worth of value, that wi ll all by itself solve the netw orking problem by a lot. (I wil l not be that surprised if havi ng $10M networth as a hacker an d making a good enough pitch is enough to send a personal note to Modi and Putin and Xi Jinpi ng, for example.)
- For dating too, maybe it is worth creatin g a backlog even if I have no i mmediate plans to act on any of it.
(In case someone else is reading this list, yes I am awa re some of these ideas can back fire, especially if implemented poorly. I'm intentionally not going into the details of that right now.)
Backlog of network ing ideas
- Record hobby video s for hinge profile
- Figure o ut a way to date outside your s ocioeconomic class. Example - a ctually go back and live in Koh ima for another 6 months (but t here should be ways to do this in blr too.) I genuinely don't mind dating outside my class as long as 1-2 other criteria are satisfied, and I am automatica lly high status to a significan t fraction of people outside my class.
- Figure out a way to date in a community with a high base rate for people in relati onships. Example - Kohima again lmao
- Just do the whole cold approach spam thing. Literally cold approach hundreds of wome n in-person, day in and day out . Expect most approaches to fai l.
- Cold emails and twitter D Ms. Get lists of people from pe rsonal blogs or twitter, and fi gure out a way to cold DM every one. (Literally sending your da ting profile is probably too es calatory, but there's probably a slightly less escalatory mess age you can send.)
- Literally create a fake profile. Ask AI to generate a profile with what ever high status signals these braindead women appreciate, lik e cars or meetings with famous people or whatever.
- Literall y become a sex worker for some niche where males are still nee ded.
- (The idea I already par tially implemented.) Learn a ho bby like dance or massage or si milar, that has a decent ratio and is mildly escalatory (but n ot insanely escalatory in the w ay that say, being a sex worker is.)
- Actually take this ide a further. Go join a hobby grou p or skill whose ratio is extre mely skewed towards women, like idk, become a makeup artist ma ybe? Or a flight attendant.
- Host a meetup for something you actually like, such as board g ames. Make it easy for your fri ends to invite friends-of-frien ds and friends-of-friends-of-fr iends.
- Literally go start an org that protects women from c ontrol of parents and spouses a nd similar. See also: [StBrosep h](https://en.wikipedia.org/wik i/Dushyant_Dubey)
- Actually g o further. Start an org that te aches women (and a bunch of oth er minority groups) to shoot, o r to illegally stockpile weapon s, or similar.
- Go to Thailan d and find a contract wife who does not actually love you.
- Start an org that teaches peopl e how to get good at sex and se duction.
- Start an org that h elps solves people's marriage i ssues. Become a spiritual leade r lmao.
- (idk maybe no more " start an org" ideas, they're to o much effort)
- Cold DM the C EO of some dating app and figur e out a reward you can get them , such that they bias the app i n your favour.
- Literally sta rt a dating app cause why not. (This violates the "no more sta rt an org" rule)
- Find someon e who actually believes in your ASI risk cause and wants to he lp you. Convince them that the best way they can help you in y our cause is to find you a part ner (since currently you are wa sting a lot of time and energy on the search, and also probabl y being less happy as a result of being single). Delegate the entire problem to them.
- Cold email female prisoners who des perately want a way out.
- (lo l at this point I think I am ju st extending this list for the memes, I seem to have run out o f serious ideas.)
- Leave Indi a for a country where more peop le are openly poly. (Very obvio us but worth restating)
- Beco me a standup comedian. Score hi gh on the humour metric.
- (ok I got bored, ending this list for now)
- Raise funding for y our ASI risk project. Again, to repeat, the median women is Re tarded and appreciates status s ignals such as this one. (Very obvious but worth restating.)
text_english/persona l/main/advice_tech_nerds_india_ 20s.md 000644 00076 5 000024 00000014307 15234143 556 024573 0 ustar 00sam uel st aff 0 00000 000000 2026 -08-03
## Update
- It has be en a year since I first wrote t his post. I still endorse most of it, but I may wanna make som e small but still important edi ts if I rewrote it today.
- Fo r instance I said:
> Do the sh ort-term stuff first, like trav elling or whatever. Yes, you ha ve enough time for it.
- I no longer endorse this advice. My timelines to superintelligence are now quite short and I woul d prefer you joined me in worki ng to fix this problem. Every y ear delayed here is going to be extremely costly, when we may be only 5 or 10 years away from the literal end of the world. I understand ofcourse that you may not be persuaded by timelin es to ASI being short.
---
20 25-08-09
# Advice for tech ner ds in India in their 20s
Discl aimer
- **Quick Note**
- This advice is very context-specifi c, and I haven't fully specifie d the context here.
I'm trying out a new writing style here, which is instead of explaining my big picture "theory of every thing"-type models to people, I will instead write about theme s that come up very often in my conversations with people arou nd me. People around me are dis proportionately working in tech , in the age group 18-30, livin g in India, male, and moderatel y ambitious.
### Relationships
- If you have social anxiety around dating, go ask ten rand om women out and get rejected t en times. No, this does not mea n you will eventually find a gi rlfriend this way, but yes it m ay reduce your anxiety. I am ye t to meet a single person who c ounterfactually regretting doin g something like this.
- I don 't know if the effort-reward ra tio of dating apps is worth it for you, go ask someone who is actually good at this. I know p eople for whom it worked and pe ople for whom it didn't. I have not found a long-term relation ship via dating apps personally , although I've been on some da tes.
- You have to budget a no n-zero amount of hours per week to socialising otherwise you a re significantly increasing the chances you'll kill yourself b y 30. How many hours is upto yo u but it has to be non-zero.
- Make actually close friends be fore you graduate, it gets hard er afterwards.
- If you have a group of close friends who wil l accept you no matter what, it could significantly increase y our tolerance for other people disliking you.
### Time manage ment
- I have to explicitly t ell myself to switch off the pa rt of my brain that asks "how i s this useful for my goal" when I'm in my socialising time. Ot herwise that part is permanentl y on and causes some self-disli ke at times due to not moving a s fast as I could towards my go als.
- You will have to mainta in a routine, especially if you 're doing something independent like working on a startup or u pskilling or whatever.
- Do th e short-term stuff first, like travelling or whatever. Yes, yo u have enough time for it. If I 'm 40 or 50 and looking back at my life and feel I have not ac complished what I wanted to in life, it's probably because I b urned out or lost interest or h ad an unexpected crisis of some sort, rather than because I li terally ran out of time. Waste a few months if you have to, ju st maybe don't waste a few year s (and even on this I'm not sur e, maybe ask me when I'm in my 30s).
### Online versus offlin e
- Every single forum has se lection effects. I cannot possi bly emphasise this enough. Ther e is always some high-status be haviour in a forum that most pe ople are mimicking. Reddit is f ull of leftists from the US. Ha ckernews will be full of extrem ely technical people who are su per bitter about everything. Le sswrong is full of people who v alue theory more than doing stu ff. Dating apps are also exactl y the same. You can at this poi nt run a LLM on any internet fo rum and find out that atleast 1 0% of the posts on that forum a re using the exact same phrases .
### Meaning
- I realised in my fifth year of college tha t making $1M won't be enough to actually change the world in t he way I want, and I don't have it in me to make a $1B. Having $1B sounds nice in theory but will probably require 10 years of work on something I don't ca re about, and I'm not capable o f staying motivated long enough to pull that off. Hence I burn ed out fast.
- I used to be mo re optimistic about AI timeline s, back in 2023 I thought that okay when AI progresses more, t hen people will get their shit together. 2 years have passed, and the safety space looks almo st the same (with the recent ex ception of Pause AI), its the s ame funders and the same boring arguments being repeated, and nothing has changed. Meanwhile capabilities have increased by insane amounts in the 2 years I 've been ignoring this space. I realised even if ASI was liter ally dropping tomorrow, a lot o f people won't care. I had fina lly start internalising that un less I personally start doing s omething about it, this entire world might be fucked.
- For m e I've realised the only way I feel good is to actually do som ething about it. Ignoring the p roblem feels bad, and just read ing about it but not doing anyt hing also feels bad. I've tried both for atleast a few months. Doing what I do now is require d for me to feel somewhat sane.
- You have to enjoy both the process and the outcome atleast a little to consistently do so mething for 5-10 years. You hav e to consistently do something for 5-10 years if you want outl ier-levels of an amazing life. There is no escaping this (yes maybe some people got lucky, do nt @ me).
### Parents
- If y ou are planning to disappoint y our parents, disappoint them so oner. This is not a problem tha t is magically going away if yo u wait another two years. This will directly impact almost eve ry aspect of your life and it i s a long-term problem not a sho rt-term one. You have to take t ime to figure out some long-ter m solution that works for you.
- No matter how much therapy o r emotional processing or ratio nal analysing of the past I've done, the only thing that has a ctually helped me is to go out there in the world and do new s tuff and get new data that upda tes my priors of how things wor k in life. For instance priors of how friendships work or care er stuff.
- Unless you spent s ome time not living your parent s, it is quite possibly outside your imagination what it is li ke to live like that. You can't just look at other people and extrapolate, you have no idea w hat it feels like to be them fr om the inside.
main/I_respec t_andean_medjedovic_for_the_bal ls_and_ability_to_act_solo_with _no_social_support.md 000644 000765 000024 00000003106 1 5247576250 041333 0 usta r 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text_engl ish/personal 2026-09-07
# I respect Ande an Medjedovic for the balls and ability to act solo with no so cial support
Disclaimer
- per sonal
- target audience - stri ctly myself
- If anyone is rea ding this, no I am not a fan of hacking lots of random users a nd stealing their funds, morall y speaking. I would much rather force the DAO to pay up, not t he users, in such a situation. If I was literally in Medjedovi c's shoes, I would probably jus t taken the 10% offer that Kybe rswap offered. Offence is winni ng and defence is losing, when it comes to keeping secrets, es pecially lifelong secrets. Not sure though, haven't done my re search to offer a strong opinio n though. (I would do a lot of research on previous case studi es if I was literally in this s ituation, and use the case stud ies to decide what to do.)
Mai n
- Medjedovic's negotiation m essage is not that well thought out but it takes balls to writ e that.
- Also takes balls (an d skills) to get a fake passpor t (presumably from dark web?) a nd travel.
- Also massive ball s (and skills) to get arrested and then escape.
- And this gu y is way younger than me, to to p it all off.
- Reading about people like this reminds me tha t I could also become one of th ese people.
- To be clear, I t hink Medjedovic is playing the whole game suboptimally, but I can respect it regardless.
- I have been studying a bunch of exploits based on floating poin ts (I think this is OK to write publicly but unsure, we are ge tting into dual use territory h ere), so I studied the Kyberswa p exploit too. It is not that u nimaginable that future Samuel uncovers a similar exploit.
text_english/personal/main /why_world_government.md 000644 000765 000 024 00000004057 15177753505 02 3604 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-22
# Why world government?
Disc laimer
- **Quick Note**
- **C ontains politically sensitive i nfo**
Main
- Curren tly there is escalating polaris ation between anti-ASI and pro- AI (and between anti-AI and pro -AI) factions in the US. Cycles of mutual escalation of polari sation have already been seen m ultiple times in the US already , be it with the black lives ma tter stuff, or cancel culture, or whatever. Even if the anti-A I people win the culture war, t hey will have to hold on to a f rontier tightly while polarisat ion possibly continues.
- On t he margin, I clearly believe th at more polarisation is good ac tually. I think anti-ASI moveme nt needs to get more emotional and more aggresssive. I even co ntemplated the propaganda value of assassination attempts and cyberattacks, they raise the in tensity of people's emotions on both sides of the conflict.
- If you could just build a worl d government, ofcourse there wi ll still be polarisation betwee n pro-AI and anti-AI factions.
- Fixing polarisati on is not the reason to build a world government.
- I think t he best reason for world govern ment is just the old and boring reason. US-China arms race tow ards ASI is bad, US-China coord ination would be good, and US-C hina coordination becomes much easier when you have an effecti ve world government that has a World Congress and a World mili tary and similar, as opposed to US and China having independen t militaries and being ready to escalate war rapidly.
- Feder alist papers again come to mind . You need a base of power to t hreaten mass violence, yes, but once you have this base of pow er, it is also much better to h ave some civil process that has actual power (beyond giving re commendations) where both parti es can agree to, so that player s don't have to switch to mass violence so quickly. In worst c ase they will still have to, bu t in most cases, no. This is ba sically a major reason why they built a federal govt on top of the states.
Update
- It seem s way easier to merge two democ ratic states together, than to merge a democracy and a dictato rship.
text_english/personal/m ain/outputs_are_not_root_causes .md 000644 000765 000024 00000002037 15177753505 025156 0 ustar 00samuel staff 0000 00 000000 2026-03 -04
# Outputs are not root cau ses
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note **
Main
- A general pattern I 'm noticing with trying to appl y a lot of life advice:
- Ti me - Telling myself "value your time more" didn't cause me to value my time more. Actually ca ring about a goal, and failing multiple times, and becoming de sparate, and reminding myself o f the deadline - this is what i s actually pushing me to value my time more.
- Self-esteem - Telling myself to "love mysel f" felt lame as fuck and didn't achieve much. Actually trying to cross moral boundaries that I thought I was fine with cross ing made me feel bad. This remi nded me that the values I think I have and the values I actual ly seem to have as implied by a ctions, are not the same.
- Stoicism - Telling myself to "b e more stoic / unreactive" didn 't work so great. I've never ta ken stoicism very seriously as a life philosophy anyway. For e xample, Naval Ravikant / Kapil Gupta [seem to agree](https://w ww.kapilguptamd.com/2019/03/21/ wisdom-begets-stoicism-stoicism -does-not-beget-wisdom/)
main/stayed_up_late_y esterday_watching_the_movie_wok e_up_late_today_and_was_unprodu ctive_pepe_sad.md000644 000765 000024 00000000311 152303604 11 042323 0 ustar 00samu el sta ff 00 0000 000000 text_english/pers onal 2026- 07-23
# Stayed up late yesterd ay watching the movie. Woke up late today and was unproductive . Pepe sad
Disclaimer
- perso nal
- target audience - strict ly myself
Main
- Title self-e xplanatory text_english/persona l/main/inperson_beats_online_fo r_trust_building.md 000644 00076 5 000024 00000001674 15177753 505 027667 0 ustar 00sam uel st aff 0 00000 000000 2026 -03-10
# In-person beats onlin e, for trust building
Disclaim er
- **Quick Note**
Main
- I have a lot of anecdotal data p oints saying people trust me mo re or believe my ASI risk views more, when they meet me in-per son, as opposed to when they me et me online on a video call or (worse) engage in text back an d forth.
- Just found this in [Gwern's open questions](https: //gwern.net/question) that also agrees:
> Face-to-face meetin gs, even brief ones, appear to cement personal connections of trust and liking to an extent n ot achieved by even years of mo re mediated contact like phone calls or Internet text discussi ons / emails / chat; this appea rs to be true in almost every c ontext, even ones like British inventors meeting their heroes (in a different field) just onc e, with large step functions in connections despite the appare nt near-zero marginal informati on conveyed by a brief physical visit after long-term interact ions & track records.
tex t_english/personal/main/I_am_ha ppy_with_how_productive_my_week _was.md 000644 000765 000024 000 00000656 15250732557 030133 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-09-11
# I am happy with how productive my w eek was
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- Learned a lot a bout smart contract security in just one week.
- Another fift y weeks equally productive and I should ideally become someone who can hack live contracts wi th over $100M TVL.
- That kind of money is insane leverage to get to my original. Also skill s. Also publicly demonstratable skills.
te xt_english/personal/main/maybe_ N_back_task_is_useful_for_persu asion.md 000644 000765 000024 00 000001045 15231645206 030051 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-07-27
# May be N-back task is useful for pe rsuasion
Disclaimer
- persona l
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- People are bra indamaged idiots who don't unde rstand anything you say. They a re missing many of the concepts required to understand how the world works.
- When you say a sentence, maybe run an N-back task to see if this is still in their working memory 30 second s later or not. Figure out whic h phrases and sentences and con cepts are people actually capab le of keeping in their working memory, and which ones they are n't.
text_english/per sonal/main/me_having_fun_might_ scare_my_enemies_more_actually. md 000644 0 00765 000024 00000002272 1521 2601732 031603 0 ustar 0 0samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-06-12
# Me having fun mig ht scare my enemies more, actua lly
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myse lf
Main
- I used to think tha t I need to be capable of havin g fun with ingroup, be angry an d scary in front of outgroup, a nd was unsure how to be around neutrals.
- I now think this m ight be completely wrong? Maybe I should just be having fun ev erywhere.
- If there were rand om strangers on the internet pl otting my demise, I would actua lly be more scared of them if t hey were having fun while doing it, as opposed to if they were posting angry rants. It would signal that they are genuinely at peace with the fact that the y're doing this, they're mental ly healthy, they're likely to a ttract allies, and so on.
- Ev en with neutral people, if they say I'm doing something morall y wrong, I can just be like "lo l whatever you say." If I have internal moral clarity none of this will affect me and I can j ust laugh about it. If neutral people say I'm gonna fail, I ca n just say "lol okay sure we wi ll see."
- Ofcourse with the i ngroup and potential new recrui ts, having fun is more likely t o attract them, that is not rea lly questionable.
- Writing th is insight down makes me happy.
text_english/p ersonal/main/I_will_pay_you_if_ you_find_me_a_therapist_or_coac h.md 000644 000765 000024 00000007144 15 177753505 031561 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-05-05
# I will pay you if you find me a therapist or c oach
Disclaimer
- **Quick Not e**
Main
- **I will pay you $ 1000 if you find me a therapist or executive coach or similar such that either a) I attend 15 1-hour sessions with them or b ) I am confident they helped me make a major long-lasting impr ovement in my life**
- I don 't know how to formally define "major life improvements." So I will use a proxy measurement, which is number of sessions att ended. (I obviously care about actually improving my life far more than I care about number o f sessions. It is important tha t the life improvement is perma nent not temporary, and doesn't just go away the next time I e ncounter some major bad event i n my life.)
- It seems likel y that if I think a therapist i s wasting my time, I won't atte nd 15 sessions with them. My to lerance for people (including t herapists) wasting my time has only gone down with time, so I think 15 sessions is a good eno ugh bar to confirm they are not wasting my time.
- You are al so allowed to enrol yourself an d claim the payment yourself, i f you think you can provide me with important life improvement s.
- Since I am willing to pay you $1000 to refer me a therap ist, you can guess I am also wi lling to pay in the ballpark of $1000 to the therapist itself.
- Examples of a major life im provement
- something that permanently shifts my self-repo rted life satisfaction averaged over a year from 4 out of 10, to 5 out of 10
- something that helps me find atleast one relationship that lasts atleast 5 years, either platonic or ro mantic, such that I can confide ntly say this relationship impr oved my life
- something th at helps me raise $1M in fundin g, which I would have failed to do otherwise
- something t hat completely shifts my life t rajectory in a way I endorse, e ven 5 years later.
- See also: [Effectiveness of therapy on m e personally](./therapy_effecti veness_personal.md)
- I have wasted atleast a hundred hours and multiple thousands of doll ars on therapy already.
- I think the average therapist is too non-violent for me to give a shit about their opinion on h ow to live life.
- I think t he average therapist is trained to hide their own values and w orldview in a way that makes me trust them less.
- If you f ind someone for me, it will pro bably not be an "average therap ist" and it will probably be so meone who can circumvent these failure modes somehow.
- I don 't care about the formal title or degree of a therapist, I car e about actual insights they ha ve.
- That being said, I am more comfortable with the one h our video call format that ther apists use, and I am less comfo rtable with anything that gives me the vibes that you are invi ting me to your cult.
- I ca n't formally define what a cult is, but an invitation to an ac tivity that requires my trust w ithout actually earning it firs t, indicates cult vibes to me.
- Examples of such activitie s - having sex, doing a drug to gether, visiting a physically u nsafe place, isolating from cur rent social circle for a month or longer, meditating for a wee k or longer, etc
- For adver sarial nitpicky readers, I am n ot saying every group that has sex or does drugs is a cult. Fo r that matter, I am not even sa ying that being a cult is alway s bad. I am saying that if I re ceive an out-of-the-blue invita tion to have sex or do drugs or meditate for long hours, from a stranger, along with a vague promise of life improvement, th is increases P(this is a cult, in a way that is bad for me) in my head.
- I actually think formally defining what a cult is, is an interesting intellect ual challenge, but that is best saved for some other post.
text_english/personal/mai n/joke_backblaze_when_can_I_ord er_a_copy_of_my_data_via_icbm.m d 000644 000765 00 0024 00000003013 15224635527 0 33105 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-07-1 0
# Joke: @backblaze when can I order a copy of my data via I CBM? Update - maybe this is not a joke?
Disclaimer
- persona l
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- [link to sourc e](https://nitter.net/RomanHauk sson/status/1783234577940799603 #m)
2026-07-12
Update
- Joke s aside this can totally be don e, if you have enough money to blow on it.
- 1 TB inside a 0.5 gram SD card means you can store 10,000 PB inside a 5 metr ic tonne payload.
- World's largest datacentres are on the order of 10,000 PB, such as NS A Utah datacentre or Google's d atacentres spread across North Virginia (??? if I remember cor rectly)
- World's largest IC BMs can deliver 5 metric tonnes . For instance RS-28 Sarmat can carry 10 metric tonnes. It tra vels at Mach 20 (~25,000 km/h). For reference, US to Europe di stance is ~8,000 km, so it can cover this distance in ~20 minu tes.
- LMFAO now I am actual ly thinking if this is a good i dea in real life. If a country has made a nuclear first strike , you can immediately send copi es of all your most important r ealtime information to multiple bunker locations worldwide via ICBM, before you get annihilat ed. It's not obvious to me what they will do with all this inf ormation, or if they will even be able to read it. (If the nuc lear exchange is full not parti al, then obviously there will b e no datacentres left to read t his much data anyway, and after a few years the storage media will fail. If the exchange is p artial, then sure they can read it, but I don't know what they will do with it.)
text_en glish/personal/main/exercise_br ings_out_my_anger_in_a_controll ed_way.md 000644 000765 000024 0000000 1407 15237626722 031331 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-08-14
# Exercise brings out my anger in a contr olled way
Disclaimer
- person al
- target audience - strictl y myself
Main
- Exercise brin gs out my anger in a controlled way.
- Not like, oh I am angr y and now I will stay frustrate d and unable to work the rest o f the day.
- But like, yes I a m angry but also once I take ba th and change, I can actually f orget all this and go do someth ing fun.
- As for what I was a ngry about, it is the very same , usual shit.
- "Let me kill your wife and children. Let me take away everything you have earned and leave you broke and (more importantly) lower class. Then if you still support non- violent legal method to fight m e back, I will respect that. Ot herwise please shove all your p recious little principles up yo ur ass."
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30 mti me=1788504420.887188685
you_have_not_exercis ed_in_three_days_and_you_have_n ot_worked_in_two_days_this_is_t he_simplest_expl 000644 00076 5 000024 00000000367 15246464 544 043177 0 ustar 00sam uel st aff 0 00000 000000 text_english/per sonal/main 2026 -09-04
# You have not exercise d in 3 days and you have not wo rked in 2 days. This is the sim plest explanation for why you a re currently in a bad mood
Dis claimer
- personal
- target a udience - strictly myself
Main
- Title self-expanatory
PaxHeader/._had_a_d ream_of_sharks_as_big_as_the_wo rms_in_dune_producing_tsunami_w aves_as_big_as_i 000644 0007 65 000024 00000000253 1525736 5745 042370 x ustar 00sa muel s taff 000000 000000 text_english/pe rsonal/main 141 path=text_english/personal/mai n/._had_a_dream_of_sharks_as_bi g_as_the_worms_in_dune_producin g_tsunami_waves_as_big_as_in_in terstellar.md
30 mtime=17908315 89.905426194
._had_a_dream_of_s harks_as_big_as_the_worms_in_du ne_producing_tsunami_waves_as_b ig_as_in_interstel 000644 000 765 000024 00000000334 152573 65745 042666 0 ustar 00s amuel staff 000000 000000 text_english/p ersonal/main Mac OS X 2 ATTR H H com.apple.macl gh'@ `"' PaxHeader/had_a_d ream_of_sharks_as_big_as_the_wo rms_in_dune_producing_tsunami_w aves_as_big_as_in_ 000644 00 0765 000024 00000000627 15257 365745 042475 x ustar 00 samuel staff 000000 000000 text_english/ personal/main 1 39 path=text_english/personal/m ain/had_a_dream_of_sharks_as_bi g_as_the_worms_in_dune_producin g_tsunami_waves_as_big_as_in_in terstellar.md
30 mtime=17908315 89.905426194
133 LIBARCHIVE.xat tr.com.apple.macl=CABnaKOBJ8tAY J4W8NYiJ7vnAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
105 SCHIL Y.xattr.com.apple.macl= gh' @`"'
had_a_dream_of_s harks_as_big_as_the_worms_in_du ne_producing_tsunami_waves_as_b ig_as_in_interstella 000644 0 00765 000024 00000000545 1525 7365745 042772 0 ustar 0 0samuel staff 000000 000000 text_english /personal/main 2026-10-01
# Had a dream of sh arks as big as the worms in Dun e, producing tsunmai waves as b ig as in Interstellar
Disclaim er
- personal
- target audien ce - strictly myself
Main
- T itle self-explanatory
- Dream wasn't very scary though, despi te me being in a literal life-o r-death situation trying to avo id my speedboat being overturne d by the waves.
text_english/pe rsonal/main/russia_travel_notes .md 000644 000765 000024 00000030321 152 00303470 023361 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-05-11
original document mostly written on 2026-05-01
# Russia travel notes
Disclaime r
- **Quick Note**
- I have d eliberately left out anything e ven somewhat related to work or politics or AI. This is intent ional. There is a possibility I may want to visit again. Also there are people I know here, w hose privacy I must protect.
- My Russia trip is not over yet , however I figured I may as we ll make the notes, given that I want to make notes and I don't want to do this after returnin g to India.
- See also: Link t o [yet another rant](./I_am_opt imistic_about_technology_and_cy nical_about_human_nature.md)
M ain
- Travel dates - 2026-04-1 0 to 2026-05-09
- People
- Stereotype about Russians not s miling at strangers is true.
- Russian society has problems , but they're quite different f rom the problems of Indian soci ety. I previously commented tha t they're happier than indians (atleast considering middle/upp er-middle class), but I'm not s ure anymore. [1]
- I don't k now if people trust each that m uch or not, it is possible they don't. However, people general ly don't care much about what o thers are doing and aren't inte rested in trying to control eac h other (unlike previous genera tion of Indians lol). Extremely individualist society, atleast in Moscow. This is my guess ba sed on very limited data, I cou ld be wrong. Also, multiple peo ple have money-related issues. A lot of people have moved to c ities (Moscow or St Petersburg) from the hometown where their extended family may live, and l ife is different in hometown ve rsus city.
- Chinese people in Russia are more willing to p ublicly show affection as compa red to Russians lol.
- Russi ans living in Moscow are extrem ely similar to my understanding of what western europe is like , to a degree that surprised me . This includes everything from the music people listen to (lo ts of western music) to the clo thing styles (standard jacket, jeans, coats etc in black blue brown etc) to the spectrum of p olitical opinions people have t o the liberal nature of society to the religious demographics (half christian half atheist ma ny non-practising) and so on.
- People are generally friend ly and willing to help out stra ngers / tourists / etc includin g me.
- Lots of pretty women lol, and approachable enough, atleast considering I am a rand om tourist with no shared conte xt and big language barrier. Da ting was not a priority during my trip though.
- People see m good at opening a conversatio n with a joke or a gimmick or s imilar.
- Work
- Analytical philosophy is popular for some reason.
- IT and cybersecur ity are popular.
- People re ad fiction and nonfiction in Ru ssian too which was again inter esting to me.
- Ofcourse, th e most skilled people tend to l eave the country for uh ... mul tiple reasons I won't discuss.
- I don't have a lot of info rmation on what work people do.
- Lots of people into photo grahy / theatre / etc.
- Lot s of unemployed / partially une mployed people.
- Language
- Big language barrier, all com munication is in Russian by def ault. Younger college students know basic english to survive b ut still prefer Russian by defa ult. This is new for me, I am n ot used to a highly educated so ciety not being good in English . Most places I have visited so far in life are either at a lo wer level of education or are g ood in English.
- I got so f rustrated with ios translation app, I ended up building my own . (Will discuss this in some ot her post not this one.)
- Meet ups
- There are a lot of hob by meetup groups, which is good if you actually live here and know russian. AI is good for fi nding quite niche telegram hobb y groups.
- I learned a lot of things by just showing up to random meetups and sitting wit h a translation app.
- Maybe a bit risky for me given my pa st history, but I did also visi t a bunch of bars while sober a nd heard stories that were surp rising for me.
- I am a bit sad I couldn't attend more meet ups and talk to more people. I have to make peace with the fac t that this (travelling and tal king to lots of people) is not my current priority in life, so it is fine.
- Sightseeing
- This was not a sightseeing tr ip for me, however I did do a b it of sightseeing. "Go do sight seeing they said, it will be fu n they said." I did not enjoy m uch of the sightseeing I did, b ut I did enjoy a little.
- F or the first few days of the tr ip, my mobile data didn't work, and I actually think this made me happier since it distracted me from work or anything onlin e. For instance I visited this art museum, and I don't have wo rds to describe the experience, in a good way. My guess is peo ple with money but also free ti me to aimlessly stroll around, will like a place like Moscow. Urban planning is good and many places are walkable.
- Ther e's basically a small area arou nd Kitay Gorod and the Kremlin where a bunch of tourist spots are concentrated. Nothing parti cularly impressive for me, alth ough if you're a tourist you sh ould probably visit.
- Mosco w subway stations are works of art, even the ones which aren't literally filled with artwork. They are absolutely beautiful although again, you get a bit u sed to it after a few days. It is common to find people playin g music to make money inside th e stations.
- Visited the ta llest building in the city for uh ... reasons, not discussing in this post.
- I absolutely loved visiting sauna which was new for me, so ofcourse I kept revisiting it until I would lo se interest. This is like givin g cocaine to a rat. I am actual ly mildly worried I am using th is as a coping mechanism, given my long list of coping mechani sms over the past year or so. B ut also, I am leaving Russia so on hence I am not too worried a bout it.
- Same gender nudit y is normal in saunas/pools and I quickly got used to it. Ther e's zero issues, unlike mixed g ender nudity where I can imagin e issues one must solve for. Th is is theory though, and I don' t know about practice.
- I v isited a nude beach too, very f ew people were there because I visited in the wrong season. Bu t it was fun. I now mildly pref er this over regular beaches.
- Visiting vndkh left me with so much grief I had to just wa lk out of the place midway to f eel okay. I think this was the point where the novelty factor of the place started running ou t for me, and I started feeling yep, this is just yet another city.
- Architecture
- Ther e are a few absolutely massive buildings. Many of them are old though, probably constructed d uring soviet time is my guess.
- There is a characteristic "building block" that is extrem ely common across Moscow, it is around 8 stories high but it i s also wide and kinda square in shape. I'm sure there's some r eal estate nexus that just love s to endlessly build new blocks of this type.
- Lots of burea ucracy
- Ugh. I'm sure some people find value in this sort of bureaucracy, but I am very m uch a "jugaad" person in Indian terms or a "move fast and brea k things" person in US terms.
- Food in fridges must be bag ged and labelled. If you are ev en a little sick, you're not su pposed to visit public places. If a place doesn't have facilit y to accept cash but only card, they simply won't accept it, p resumably because they have som e accounting system they have t o deal with. You must scan the entry card at the right place f or the online system. You must stay in the exact room you book ed even if you want to stay in a cheaper room than the one you paid for. You must have a FIDE -rating to play in the chess to urnament (don't ask lol).
- Sa nctions and internet
- Issui ng a local SIM card takes many days of work and most cards iss ued outside Russia don't work. So I had to rely on hotel wifi + indian SIM card international roaming, and use cash only. Ma ny western sites are blocked an d many of the VPNs are also blo cked. There are ways to bypass, however I think it is safer if I don't discuss that here.
- I lost a lot of time due to a ll this. For instance a few sto res refuse cash and only accept card, and you won't know until you visit it. GPS is not alway s that accurate on internationa l roaming, and this means you w aste time navigating to places. There are multiple 24 hour blo cks on international roaming on your SIM card.
- Private te legram groups are the default f or literally everything - work, personal DMs, meetup groups, e tc. Public VK pages are also so mewhat popular, to discover sai d telegram groups.
- Flights are often delayed or cancelled , so be prepared for this.
- I did not run out of cash. But I can see how either running o ut of cash, or being robbed of it, could completely mess up so meone's travel and leave them s tranded.
- Food
- Quite blu ntly, restaurant food was not p articularly impressive anywhere considering the prices, be it budget or fine dining. But also , most items are non-veg and I am veg, so I am the wrong audie nce to judge this. It is possib le to get veg food but also it' s not the priority for any rest aurant.
- Drinking water is expensive in restaurants.
- We ather
- The cold makes it ha rd for me to stay angry. But al so, the cold makes me less prod uctive and want to wake up late and so on. This is nothing spe cific to Russia honestly, and a pplies to cold places everywher e is my guess. I generally have a weak preference for not want ing to live in a cold place.
- Random quirks
- Cars actual ly stop for pedestrians wheneve r pedestrians want. Bikes/cycle s are not that common, although some delivery drivers use that e-bike thingie which you stand on not sit on.
- Most build ings have a room to deposit you r jacket because central heatin g. Central heating can be somet imes annoying though, I found s ome buildings too hot with jack et but too cold with just tshir t, which increases chances of m e falling sick. (Obviously this is still far better than the a lternative which is no central heating and everyone wears 2-3 layers 24x7. I have honestly no idea why Delhi doesn't have mo re central heating, people can afford it.)
- Moscow is poss ibly the cleanest city I have e ver visited. Cleaner than Singa pore or London for instance.
- Cost (updated on 2026-05-11, a fter calculating it more proper ly)
- Moscow is pretty expen sive if you want a good life, b ut not too expensive if you wan t bare minimum to survive. Obvi ously way more expensive than I ndian cities.
- How much I a ctually spent: 2.87L INR on all flights (domestic indian fligh ts, domestic russian flights, i nternational india-russia fligh ts) + approx 85k INR on hotels for a month + 1.71L INR on ever ything else for a month (grocer ies, restaurants, taxis, sights eeing, etc) = 5.43L INR total s pend
- I often prioritised n ovelty, convenience or speed, o ver minimising cost.
- If yo u really wanted to minimise cos t, you can stay for much cheape r - you can spend less than 1L INR on flights from India if yo u book in advance, a local can live on maybe 25k RUB (32k INR) per month if they get an apart ment with yearly lease (as a to urist, you can maybe sublet an apartment from a friend, but th is will have a premium), you ca n probably manage groceries wit hin 25k RUB (33k INR) per month , one outing often ends up with you spending 5k RUB, taxi ride s are 1k RUB but metro is cheap if you have time for it.
- Exchange rates as of 2026-05-11 : 1 USD = 95.1 INR, 1 RUB = 1.2 8 INR
---
[1] Side Note to my self
- I think I realise why I first made the (possibly false ) comment that russians are hap pier than indians.
- Indians are a lot more public about th eir unhappiness, on average. Li ke, after landing here, first t hing I noticed is this bus driv er busy shouting and shaming so meone for wasting 30 seconds of their time. Median indian of p revious generation frequently u ses shame to control other peop le, and this shaming needs to b e in public to get a collective behind it and be effective.
- Whereas with russians you so metimes have no idea how someon e is, someone could be cheerful in conversation with you but a heroin addict in private.
- Maybe indians are still the mo re unhappy group here. But also , without more statistical data (not anecdotal data) I'm very hesitant to make this sort of s weeping generalisation.
- Si nce I live in India, my brain i s trained to filter out all the bickering and shouting I see, and all the civic sense violati ons I see, and all the garbage, and so on, but when I return f rom a different place I realise how much information my brain is filtering almost subconsciou sly.
te xt_english/personal/main/timelo ck_substance_use.md 000644 000765 000024 00 000005463 15177753505 024056 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-02-06
## Up date
- I have had non-zero in stances of sending messages I r egret, even after writing this post back in 2025-10.
- I won' t consider this problem fully s olved unless I spend atleast 3- 6 months without sending a sing le such message.
- I am aware I have the nuclear option of ju st abstaining from substances f or life (or atleast the next fe w years). I am still hoping to find some better solution than this.
- I think my current rel ationship with substances is ne ither completely a free choice, nor an addiction I can't escap e. Like, I would suffer signifi cantly if I had to completely a bstain from substances for next 5 years. But also, if someone paid me $200k or bigger to do s o, I would find it trivially ea sy to abstain immediately for n ext 6 months, and probably also abstain for next 5 years. I ha ve successfully abstained for a tleast 6 months at will multipl e times, so I am confident this is still possible.
---
2025- 10-24
# Timelock for substance use
Disclaimer
- Quick Note
- Alcohol and nicotine are leg al in India but most other drug s (weed, psychedelics, meth, co caine etc) are not. I will not be admitting to illegal substan ce use online. So you will have to assume that the post below is talking about the legal opti ons.
Problem
- While using su bstances, I often seem to text people messages I later come to regret.
- For privacy reasons (and maybe also other reasons idk), I can't really write here who these people are or what I text or why I regret or simila r.
Solution
After experimenti ng with multiple options, here is what I currently consider a good solution given my personal constraints
- Use timelock.de v or keepassXC (minor update 20 26-0205) to generate a passcode .
- Make sure it is too long to remember. Set time atleast 6-12 hours depending on the sub stance you are consuming.
- Change the passcode of your dev ice to this passcode. If on iph one, click the button that ensu res the old passcode is not pre served for 72 hours more.
- Save the encrypted file in a pr otonmail account whose password you remember, and which *does not* use device 2FA. Gmail and ios accounts use 2FA implicitly . (Remember, all your devices a re locked.)
- Forget the pas scode.
- Ask another person fo r help with logistics such as b ooking a cab back home.
- Do n't do this entire plan if no s uch trusted person exists.
- Don't do this entire plan if y ou have responsibilities that r equire you staying sober. For i nstance any work-related engage ments, or driving other people, or checking in on their safety .
Solutions I found inadequate
- Applock that blocks some ap ps but not others. Apps that yo u leave unblocked can still be used for contacting people you don't want to contact.
- Timel ock that can be break out of, u sing ios recovery options. Non- sober you is still intelligent enough to break out of them.
text_english/p ersonal/main/do_not_take_seriou sly_the_dating_advice_of_religi ous_people.md 000644 000765 000024 00000006023 15 222757354 033531 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-07-06
# Do not take ser iously the dating advice of rel igious people
Disclaimer
- pe rsonal
- target audience - str ictly myself
Meta note
- I mi ght be vaguely reacting to a mi nd sim of a specific person whe n writing this post. But I thin k the core point generalises.
- I am violating the X Y rule t o write this post, hope it is i mportant enough to be worth vio lating the rule.
Main
- Your periodic reminder to **not** ta ke seriously the dating advice of religious people. Assume all of it is coming from someone w ho is poisoned in a way they th emselves don't understand.
- I nsights about relationships tha t more religious people than at heists would agree with, that I think are true and important:
- Having children gives a lo t of happiness and meaning to m any people. Most people (not al l) who have kids don't regret h aving kids.
- Long-term rela tionships have value that a ser ies of short-term won't provide . This also straightforwardly a pplies to friendships.
- A l ot of interpersonal and communa l conflict is fundamental over people's access to sex and rela tionships.
- A lot of casual sex can end up a coping mechan ism and/or an instant gratifica tion loop, just like over-eatin g or drug abuse or porn addicti on or basically any other such thing.
- Inspite of this, I wa nt to basically throw all advic e by religious people on this t opic into the trash can. Why?
- There is a very subtle vibe of "sex is bad" that I seem to get, atleast when I talk to so me religious people. This singl ehandedly negates basically all the positive value I would oth erwise get from taking these pe ople seriously.
- Median c asual sex experience is not as amazing as I might sometimes im agine, but is also not as bad a s I might sometimes image. Real ity is more weird and also lowk ey boring than projections.
- A thing isn't beautiful bec ause it lasts. I am very confid ent that atleast some experienc es of sex are amazing, even if nothing fruitful comes out of t hem long-term. This alone negat es everything religious people say on this topic.
- Being genuinely curious and genuinel y willing to show emotion (incl uding yes, feelings of attracti on) in early stages of knowing someone is hot. It is **useful* *. Neurotically analysing these things doesn't help much. All that can be done later, once yo u're more serious with a person . (You = Samuel. This is not a post for everyone.) You should be willing to casually show int erest to people without neuroti cally analysing five steps ahea d. If you wanna have sex with s omeone, just go have sex with t hem, and don't think too much a bout it. Your expectations of h ow things will go affect how th ey will actually go. (This migh t be the single most important point in this post for me, give n that I otherwise seem to ofte n lack curiosity about people.)
- You can find "wise" atheist people who have maintained LTR s that have survived value tran sitions, and who basically agre e with the insights listed at t he top. Given that you can find such people, you have no reaso n to rely on the opinions of re ligious people instead.
text_engli sh/personal/main/grim_resolve_a nd_art.md 000 644 000765 000024 0000000220 6 15177753505 023501 0 u star 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-02
# Grim resolv e, and art
Disclaimer
- **Qui ck Note**
Main
- I have somet imes half-seriously wondered if I shouls just wear all black c lothing to remind myself and ev eryone around me that literally everyone is going to be sluagh tered.
- But this sounds depre ssing. Black signals not just a bad situation, but pessimism a nd failure.
- What I want to s ignal is "grim resolve." The si tuation is bad, but we are goin g to wage this war and win.
- What colours signal this? Like , I thought of gold but gold cl othing looks so fake lol. I wan t to signal that there is still a glimmer of hope that we can destroy our enemies. Not signal that we have already won.
- I could design some complicated logo. Like, black background ts hirt indicating the situation i s bad, red indicating the incom ing bloodsheed, but a small fla sh of golden or white or simila r, indicating we could still wi n this.
- Not a priority right now, but I might consider this .
- I am thinking of increasin gly moving away from the minima list style I use, to a more del iberate art style that signals the person I want to become. Be it in clothes, or in wall post ers, or similar.
text_eng lish/personal/main/particle_col liders_for_human_morality.md 0 00644 000765 000024 00000027 163 15177753505 027146 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-02-13
# Particle colliders for human morality
D isclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- I do not yet strongly endorse m ost of the conclusions written in this post. I am very much st ill thinking aloud here.
- **C ontains politically sensitive i nfo**
Why this post
- I seem to be interally suffering a fai r bit, as a result of confusion around morality.
- I want to simultaneously achieve two obje ctives
- I want more distanc e from the moral values of most people around me, both online and irl, both inside EA/LW spac es and outside, because almost everyone's morality is clearly broken in important ways. I thi nk deferring to them too much i s bad. Merely being reminded of their existence (by running "s houlder advisors" aka mind simu lations of them) causes me to d efer to them more, and this is bad. The more access I give all these people to my life, the m ore I am going to inevitably en d up running mind simulations o f them.
- See also: Elieze r Yudkowsky on lonely dissent
- I want moral values or atle ast rationalisations that I can actually believe in, long enou gh that I can last 5 years purs uing a plan with those values i n mind. I seem to be increasing ly noticing a gap between what moral values I endorse in theor y, and what moral values I am a ctually willing to implement in practice, without interally su ffering.
- For instance, i f I could press a button and ev ery single person building ASI drops dead simultaneously, I mi ght press it. If I had to spend 5 years constructing such a bu tton, I would immediately reali se that every step of this proc ess is going to be miserable fo r me, and the answer becomes a much clearer no.
- The moral values can't be something very abstract, they have to be thin gs I can actually implement in some domain like cyberattacks o r persuasion or whatever. Both of these are domains involving social dark matter, and there a re lots of ways to instrumental ise your access to social dark matter in ways that maybe hurt people on reflection.
- Fo r instance, I think atleast som e pickup artists use genuine in sights they have into persuasio n, to exploit security holes in the women's brain, that these women wouldn't endorse on refle ction. And maybe the long-term correct thing to do is to patch these holes instead, at a civi lisation level.
- See also : All the pickup artistry discu ssions from lesswrong in 2008, because ofcourse lesswrong was more insightful back in 2008 on this topic too. Examples: [1]( https://www.lesswrong.com/posts /gsL6CLqjujPNSLL2o/sayeth-the-g irl) and its followups. [2](htt ps://www.lesswrong.com/posts/My qGb24pM54rJhDpb/of-exclusionary -speech-and-gender-politics)
- As another example, I have definitely had people weaponis e therapy speak against me for what are essentially instrument al political reasons. I have do ne this a non-zero amount too. It is very common to open twitt er and see stuff like this.
- As yet another example, I w ant to make cyberattacks more e ffective than cyberdefence, so that all the world's secrets op en up at once. One downside ofc ourse that it could open up pub lic access to everyone's social dark matter at a rate way fast er than people can give any inf ormed consent for, or end up en dorsing on reflection. I suspec t a lot of people won't care ab out the lack of consent if they end up in a world they endorse on reflection, but I also seem to want a higher degree of con fidence here before I am morall y okay with investing many year s into this plan.
- I want t o spend atleast some time tryin g to figure out some utopian id eal ways of resolving all this, before I resort to the (maybe) less ethical ways.
- This pos t is babble, not prune, in the babble-and-prune distinction. I t's likely I won't implement mo st of these solutions.
Main
- One of my key learnings from t he internet is that if you put in the work, you can open a hig h "emotional bandwidth" connect ion with basically anyone on Ea rth, and if you do, this will p robably make you care more abou t them as people. Like, it is e asier to read about okay, XYZ p erson was killed by ABC dictato r in DEF african country, and n ot care that much. But if I put in the work, it is entirely po ssible that they use the intern et too, and I can personally re ach out to them and schedule lo ts of video calls. And once I h ave, it is possible that I care more about them.
- Maybe that means I need to compile a data base of videos of humans suffer ing? You can already find a lot of videos of people crying on the internet for various person al and political reasons. Maybe I should just compile it all i n one place?
- One option of course is to do this strictly f or ASI risk. Do lots of intervi ews of people suffering as a re sult of their fear of ASI risks , and post the videos online. E ven if the public thinks we are all crazy and wrong about our beliefs, at the very least they will understand we care a lot about it.
- Like, this is my actual reaction to atleast som e of the leftist activists who cry about their problems online . It is quite possible your act ions will increase human suffer ing (for example by literally e lecting a communist dictator), but also you are suffering too, and that is worth noticing.
- I don't think this will be e nough to actually resolve any d ifferences between anyone thoug h. Most people (myself included ) already have pessimistic prio rs on the utility of trying to communicate across large politi cal divides. I am only willing to read about a lot of differen t political views because the t hreat of ASI has made me desper ate for any solution whatsoever . Most people are not yet at th is level of desperation, and do n't really care that much about big picture problems like "sol ve human morality in 5 years" o r "solve global coordination in 5 years".
- You can use instr umental reasons to forcibly get people on the same table. For instance some people I meet jus t want power, so if I pay them $1000 / hour or something ridic ulous my guess is they'll proba bly come to whatever table for whatever reason. Some people I meet just want sex so if I show them they will get access to h ot women or whatever they'll pr obably come to whatever table. Some people I have read about j ust seem to have generalised di strust in people, so if I give them a space that they think is sufficiently safe they probabl y will come.
- Even if you g et everyone on the same table y ou still can't force everyone t o talk though, is what my guess is. People will just pretend t o do the minimum amount of talk ing required, and ask me for th e reward next. I am not very co nfident in this guess. If I say no, I don't think your convers ation was authentic and you did n't make an actual effort to re solve the difference, I am not sure what will happen next.
- Another way of increasing colli sion rate is to have a guild of therapists who again use the i nternet to target different nic hes. Just have each of them wai t till their intended audience is suffering a lot, and have me mbers there come.
- First pr oblem with this is that some gr oups literally never come to th erapists and therapists are als o aware of this.
- Second pr oblem is lots of people with lo w-grade suffering as a result o f political reasons are also no t going to show up at a therapi st's place. My guess is many th erapists' priors for human inte raction are likely already skew ed a little, because they dispr oportionately run into people w ho are in significant suffering . People in significant sufferi ng may need different solutions than people with low-grade suf fering. I am guessing this base d on both personal experience a nd some models I won't explain now.
- Maybe there is some ent irely different way to target a udiences with low-grade sufferi ng?
- Honestly maybe the meta answer is that lots of people h ave already cracked the problem of how do you target some nich e audience and get hold of some of their secrets. Maybe what I actually need to do is to find existing secret keepers (like therapists across political spe ctrum, like priests, etc) and i ncrease their collison rate wit h each other.
What is "on refl ection" anyway?
- What the hel l does this thing even mean?
- Suppose you use some insight i nto human psychology, for makin g political videos. Your videos make its audience less happy b ut simultaneously low-grade add icted to your content. (Scott A lexander seems to agree with me that this is very common.)
- Suppose you now reveal to your audience what insights you used . It is entirely possible that the public will now scapegoat y ou instead, and still not actua lly engage in any honest reflec tion on what just happened.
- I seem to be preferring a refle ctive approach of either "oh, y ou successfully hacked my brain , maybe I should be thanking yo u for revealing these holes to me, so I can patch them" or "oh , I actually do in fact continu e to consent to this content, f ully knowing that you did XYZ t o make it miserable for me"
- Where are the grey hat brain ha ckers lmao. Like, people who de liberately make political propa ganda just to later remind peop le that their brains are vulner able and need fixing, and actua lly none of the political views expressed were genuine. Or, pe ople who deliberately attempt p ickup artistry and then tell th e women to go fix their defecti ve brains, instead of actually have sex with them.
- Most of the brain hackers I seem to run into are either too white to a ctually be successful, or too b lack for me to actually feel go od endorsing them or becoming t hem for the next 5 years.
- Co unterpoint - There are some you tubers on the relatively more e thical side (IMO) who are also popular. It is yet to be seen w hat happens once these youtuber s actually enter politics thems elves. It is true that these yo utubers have a lot of power eve n if they don't actually enter politics themselves, because th ey can decide which politician to endorse versus not.
- See also: Dominic Cumming's insigh ts on why British politicians a re too obsessed with the media, as compared to actual governan ce (or even actual persuasion o r actual trust or actual anythi ng that lasts more than the nex t election cyle). Atleast some other books I have read also gi ve me a bias that many politici ans are obsessed with what the main journalists (either tradit ional or youtube) are saying ab out them, to an extent that may or may not be rational, I don' t know yet.
Why did I pick the name particle collider?
- I t hink I liked Richard Ngo's arti cle on particle colliders of so ciology. Despite differences of opinion, I definitely agree a lot with Ngo's opinions.
- I s eem to want people's political and personal views both to coll ide with each other at a much f aster rate than is organically happening, because of 5 year AS I timelines.
- My intrinsic fa scination with "big things go b oom"
- I liked the movie Opp enheimer because of this.
- I liked hearing some story abou t why mobile phones are not all owed inside petrochemical refin eries. To be on the extra conse rvative side, atleast some plac es treat it such that even one spark can blow up your entire r efinery.
- I definitely have some fascination with false va cuum decay and artifically indu cing star collapse and other st uff. Just, how do you blow thin gs up at bigger and bigger scal es.
- Side note: Also seems useful to study offense versus defence at bigger and bigger sc ales. It seems increasingly to me that there is some inherent physical law or some shit that says blowing stuff up is easier than defending against blowing stuff up. The best defence aga inst a group with guns is not a six inch concrete wall, it is another group carrying guns to threaten retaliation. The best defence against a nuclear bomb is not an anti-aircraft missile , it is threatening to nuke the m in return. (Maybe the best de fence against a successful cybe rattack is also not successful cyberdefence but the threat of retaliatory cyberattack.)
text_englis h/personal/main/I_dont_feel_saf e_around_people_who_arent_capab le_of_violence.md 0006 44 000765 000024 00000003403 15205275545 033515 0 us tar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-05-26
# I don't feel safe around people who aren't capable of violence
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- Whe n people tell me they're 100% n on-violent, part of me seems to intrinsically think they're no t a safe person to hang out wit h.
- Like, one aspect might th at we will find it harder to re late to each other. They will c onsider things about me morally wrong that I just consider obv ious normal parts of my persona lity, that I don't even find an ything wrong with. Vice versa I will find their moralising gra ting because it is all hot air backed by nothing. Words are ju st words unless they're backed by something. Some actions atle ast should back the words.
- I think there is like, average n ormie who just says "non-violen ce good" like an idiot, who doe sn't understand that if all the ir friends were nazis, they'd b e a nazi too or atleast silent about it. And then there are mo re principled non-violent peopl e. Former is the worst. The lat ter I have some respect for.
- Even with the latter, I do sti ll feel like, this is incomplet e. I need someone else on my te am too. I can't just have the " 100% principled non-violent guy " on my team, no matter how man y valuable insights he has or h ow principled he is.
- Among m ore violent people, atleast I f eel somewhat seen. There is sti ll totally an issue of trust, j ust because someone is capable of violence doesn't mean they w ill be violent for you not agai nst you. But this is often a so lveable problem, you can talk i t out, you can observe them ove r a time period and so on. Peop le who are pathologically non-v iolent are a much harder proble m to solve for.
Side note
- L ol I sometimes wish I had suffe red even more in my childhood, so that I was capable of even m ore violence than I actually am .
text_english/personal/ma in/I_dont_think_I_am_a_good_fit _for_most_women.md 000644 000765 0 00024 00000023304 15177753505 030143 0 ustar 00samuel staff 00000 0 000000 2026-03- 07
# I don't think I am a good fit for most women
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
Main
- I a m procrastinating on my work (w hich is boring yet high stakes and important) by reading Jacob Falcovich's blog posts on dati ng.
- An important thing that stands out is that I don't actu ally want to be with most women ? Like, my standards for casual sex are fairly low (I'd have s ex with almost 2/3rd of women o n Earth, if offered) but my sta ndards for LTR are extremely hi gh?
- casual sex
- I'm not going after casual sex because I think the pursuit itself will distract me (as it previously already has), and my goals are too high stakes for me to waste even one week more of my life on something frivolous. I have a death clock ticking in my hea d everyday.
- Also, even if some woman magically came and o ffered to sleep with me, I thin k there's a significant probabi lity this will make me feel eve n worse than I already do. Like , my guess is the median outcom e is it'll just be, meh, whatev er. Mildly fun but also not tha t important, will somewhat boos t my self-esteem, and eventuall y we will argue over some dumb shit and break apart. But the w orst case outcome is significan tly worse than this, it's that I waste multiple months of my l ife on someone who doesn't dese rve it, I get back to consuming substances, I go write some mo re unprofessional professional emails, I take even further hit to my self-esteem and so on.
- So okay, fine, I am not goi ng for casual sex. That's not w hat the topic of this post is a bout.
- high standards
- Th e topic is about long-term rela tionship. I just implicitly kno w at this point, that if I don' t figure out actually effective selection filters, this proces s is going to way too fucking l ong, and I don't have time for that. If I take out even half a day per week of my life to wor k on this, I need confidence th at I have found an efficient pr ocess. I don't have time to go on 20 dates and filter through 20 different women over a perio d of multiple years. I am not i nterested in random hobby group s with randos.
- To be clear , under normal circumstances, g oing to 20 dates over a couple years, and finding a LTR that l asts atleast another 5 years, i s not bad actually. Couple of y ears is a small investment to m ake for a goal this important. I don't have a couple years, no t at my current stage in life.
- Being poly but not leftist in India obviously uses way to o many bits (I have lots of per sonal experience indicating thi s), I could just remove the fil ter and increase bits.
- **hon estly even writing this post fe els like a distraction right no w, I'll cut it short and get ba ck to it later.**
- variance
- I think the short version o f the point I wanted to convey was that my future self is extr emely high variance. Men's live s are already higher variance t han women, and marriages tend t o reduce men's variance in life outcomes. But I am an outlier even by those standards.
- My best case outcome in life i s literally become someone more impactful than Assange and Sno wden and Swartz combined, becau se I pre-empted all their failu re modes. I could literally bec ome one of the most important p eople in human history.
- My worst case outcome in life i s to get many innocent people k illed, spend my life in prison, lose my partner, and have no r egrets over it. And then I can watch while either nothing happ ens, or artificial superintelli gence causes the hardest accele ration of history.
- I reall y don't think most women are re ady to be with a man like that. They might they they are, but they're not. For instance, I am not actually that surprised th at Assange married his lawyer f or example. His lawyer has a be tter understanding of the stake s than most normal people.
- If the other person is not tru ly ready to be with me and acce pt these stakes, then maybe I a lso don't want to be with them? I'm just going to eventually d estroy their life, by taking it in a direction very far from w hat they initially intended. De stroy as in, not literally kill , but eventually they will go l isten to their parents, or get afraid of the cops, or somethin g equally lame, and they will t hen think I worsened their life . Late breakups are much worse than early breakups.
- Nowad ays when I randomly cold approa ch people, I often wonder, look this is low EV, high hit rate required, should I even bother? I still do it sometimes for th e heck of it, just so I don't l ose the confidence required for it, but like, I am not super o ptimistic this is the best appr oach. At this point I think I s ometimes do it just because I a m bored. My life might look exc iting or scary from the outside , but from the inside, it is of ten boring as hell. Maybe becau se I am not moving fast enough. I need to move faster. And get more successes.
- **Okay and now I will end post. I need goo d filters basically.**
- singl e track-ness
- okay ya anoth er point is I have zero interes t in most hobbies. I just force myself nowadays to do hobbies because it'll be good, they sai d. I dont actually care. I am t he type of person to obsess on one thing at the expense of eve rything else. I have always bee n this person. Go big or go hom e.
- This works good in prof essional life but this also mea ns I don't actually have that m uch interest in random hobbies with random women, which is wha t first dates tend to be about. Like, even for that, I need to know there's some efficient pr ocess at play, and we aren't bo th wasting each other's time he re. Actually it depends on the woman, with the right person su re, even hobbies are interestin g.
- (zoom in here - what does "right person" mean?)
---
2026-03-07
## Update
- I t hink it is very important that when I write posts like this, I don't fall into status games m yself.
- It is very easy to justify sexual jealousy in this way. "Oh look at all these peo ple having sex they enjoy, I wi sh I could have that" -> "Unfor tunately I cant have that right now, hence I am sad" -> "I mus t not have wanted it anyway, th is is not right for me anyway". sour grapes basically
- It is straightforwardly true that I am jealous of a lot of people who have more fulfilled dating lives than I currently do. I a m not sure if I am jealous for either the guy or the girl spec ifically, I don't literally wan t any of my friends' partners f or example (if I did I couldnt write about it online). But I d o believe true love is real bec ause I've experienced it, and I am jealous of people who have that, both online and irl.
- It is true that the number of women who I want who would reje ct me, is larger than the numbe r of woman who want me but I wo uld reject.
- All that being said, I think the point in the above post also holds true. Ev en if I had a magic wand that I could wave and seduce women, I think it is straighforwardly t rue that a lot of women would o nly be happy with me for the fi rst few months at best, and the n the reality of what they've s igned up for will hit them.
- I want to pre-empt all this t ime lost, and just get to the e nd goal.
- It is possible th at that can't be done. Maybe hi t and trial is the only way. I want to go from doing pure hit- and-trial to doing zero hit-and -trial. This is maybe too ambit ious jump to make via theory al one. I should maybe aspire to g o from pure hit-and-trial to a bit less hit-and-trial? But als o I don't know if I should prio ritise time for that honestly. I can make time ofcourse, but s hould I?
- It's not a priori ty right now, we will see later .
2026-03-07
- Increasingly feeling like the "I will figure out dating stuff later" thing is an excuse lol. Like, yes, te chnically I could just stay sin gle for the next 5 years of my life while I fix ASI risk, and maybe my life will go fine that way. I will be lonely, sure, b ut I am already plenty lonely f or reasons unrelated to women o r dating, and I seem to manage regardless.
- Finding the righ t person could accelerate my pl ans instead of act as an impedi ment. Especially since I'm ofte n bottlenecking on vague hard-t o-specify things like how to re late to the AI company people w ho are going to kill me (many u nintentionally), or what my mor al values are in response to pe ople who I respect literally tr ying to kill me. I can imagine an outlier woman who would acce lerate my process of figuring a ll this out, even if the averag e woman clearly can't. Honestly the higher neurotransmitter le vels of being in a relationship alone, could help me figure ou t more shit on my own.
- I rea lly want to find someone with g rowth mindset for sure. They do n't need to be as intense about it as I am, but it is painful for me to hang around people wi th zero growth mindset and will ing to just accept problems. (I have personal experience hangi ng around such people, can't sh are here.)
- ok fuck it we are adding "growth mindset" to the date me doc.
- I'll be more p recise. **I want the downside i n terms of lost attention and t ime spent on looking for a part ner, to compensate atleast equa l value in terms of acceleratin g me towards my goals once I ac tually find one.**
- Seems inc reasingly clear to me this whol e curve is non-linear, like, yo u spend multiple years doing hi t-and-trial, and suddenly you g et quite good. And I'm like ugh , do I really wanna climb anoth er non-linear curve in parallel with the one I'm already tryin g to climb? Two ideas can't sta y at the top of my mind at the same time, as PG puts it.
- up date - reading jacob falcovich' s blog is amazing, holy shit
- reading this makes me want t o put stuff in my dating profil e - if I'm successful, I'll be in the history books, or someth ing similar
- "if you got so mething that few men want but e ven fewer women offer, that’s an advantage, not a disadvanta ge"
- Clearly this is not a plus for most women (beyond jus t the generic, wanting a man wi th some goal). but I can imagin e a few rare women who would be into something like this.
text_english/personal/main/ho bby_wishlist_2026_10.md 000644 000765 000024 00000003413 15257365250 02331 2 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 00 0000 2026-10-01
# Hobby wishlist 2026-10
Discla imer
- personal
- target audi ence - strictly myself
This wi ll be a live log, updated in re al time. Will not contain histo rical data
## List
Next 1-3 w eeks
- Continue learning more
- [None]
- Do minimum intro and stop
- Ham radio - Get license and stop
- Salsa - S top for some weeks
Later possi bly never
- Attend first class
- Shooting (#)
- Drone p ilot, or writing drone software
- BJJ or other martial art
- Running
- Infantry comb at training (which is a superse t of shooting, running and a bu nch of other skills)
- Victo rian flower language - learn ba sics
- Learn more
- Mandari n language classes - join in-pe rson to retain motivation
- Swimming - improve form
- Dr iving - practice more to refres h memory
- Chess - play more tournaments for fun
- Drums - Attend more open mic events for fun
- Massage - Learn ba sics
- Meditation - Attend 1 0 day retreat
(#) indicates I am more excited to eventually s hift this to the "next 1-3 week s" list
## Heuristics endorsed
- In accordance with the heu ristic "think about next week o r next century, don't think abo ut anything in between", I will only maintain two lists - one for stuff I can do in the "next 1-3 weeks", and one for "later possibly never".
- Basic heur istic I still endorse - "Either learn hobbies with good gender ratio, or learn skills (not ho bbies) for combat. Nothing else seems worth learning." And bet ween the two, weakly leaning to wards latter for reasons discus sed earlier. For everything els e, do the bare minimum and then stop, just refresh your memory every few months or something. Learning muscle memory-based h obbies takes a certain minimum amount of time, and ASI may be less than 5 years away, so use your time efficiently.
personal/ma in/maybe_the_solution_to_dating _across_political_differences_i s_to_meet_less_often.md 0006 44 000765 000024 00000003044 15206642650 037545 0 us tar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text_en glish 2026-05-31
## Update
- See also: ["Actually agree" ver sus "agree to disagree yet acce pt" versus "do not accept"](./a ctually_agree_versus_agree_to_d isagree_yet_accept_versus_do_no t_accept.md)
- this post is basically just describing type- 2, and is part of what inspired it
2026-05-29
# Maybe the so lution to dating across politic al differences is to meet less often
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly my self
Main
- Title should be s elf-explanatory
- My theory: A major reason value differences are a problem in marriages is because there are parts of you that the other person is unwill ing or incapable of listening t o.
- In my personal experience , I am often too mad at the wor ld to actually try to listen to people's emotions well. I end up distancing from them and mee ting them less frequently as a result. Also, listening to them too much makes me less motivat ed to work on my own goals. It is ideal to meet at a time when you're doing relatively okay a nd not as mad at the world.
- Probably all this straightforwa rdly transfers to a dating cont ext as well? Why would it not?
- I clearly still believe it i s possible to love someone desp ite a political difference. You can love someone and yet be to o angry to actually listen to w hat they have to they say. To b e clear, I mean angry at someth ing else such as angry at the w orld; I don't mean being angry at the partner themselves, that is much harder problem, and th ankfully one I haven't faced.
Side Note
- I still think bein g poly makes it much easier to negotiate stuff like this.
text_english/personal/ma in/more_ramblings_on_who_I_thin k_I_wanna_date.md 000644 000765 0 00024 00000033314 15212213071 027742 0 ustar 00samuel staff 00000 0 000000 2026-06- 10
## Update
- Jacob Falcovi ch has now also joined the mass murderers working on at the fr ontier AI companies.
- Since Jacob is not that influential a person, I will avoid making t oo many public comments on this for now. But the short version is yes, I'm upset about it, an d think this is a bad decision on his part.
- I now downwei ght all his advice a little bit , but still think it has non-ze ro value.
---
2026-03-09
# M ore ramblings on who I think I want to date
Disclaimer
- **Q uick Note**
- target audience - myself (not a future partner, I think)
Main
- I appreciate Jacob Falcovich's blog for rem inding me that the actual thing s that make relationships work might be a lot more subtle than the big criteria I tend to lis t out. Like yes, I do have a fe w big criteria which I still en dorse (being straight, poly, be ing atheist if you want kids, e tc). But apart from this, a lot of the most important things a re more subtle and hard to noti ce, especially without enough e xperience. (I dont want to wast e my energy collecting "experie nce" if I can just one-shot it instead. Dating is more of an e nergy sink than a time sink tbh )
- Lifestyle
- I think I b asically just want someone wher e we both listen to each other' s problems, optionally give eac h other advice, have sex maybe a couple times a week (idk the frequency) and that's it. I don 't actually have headspace for hobbies and what not, even with a partner. Like, can I literal ly make time for hobbies, yes. Do I have headspace for it, no. Attention is the scarce resour ce, not time. Life is what you make out of it. And like, I cou ld actually enjoy hobbies more if I focussed on them. I have e njoyed atleast some hobbies in the past. But right now I am ch oosing not to focus on any of t hat.
- I really want someone who does not reduce my varianc e of outcomes in life. I am som eone whose best outcomes are en ding up in prison or ending up in the history books. If I am s till making angry blog posts 5 years from now, but hadn't achi eved much, I would consider tha t an even worse outcome than if I had literally gone to prison . I want a partner who is genui nely deeply okay with me going to prison if that's what it ult imately takes. I know this is a male-coded thing, women genera lly want more stability and men are higher variance. I see a l ot of marriages as blunting peo ple's variance and I really don 't want that in my own life. If you date me you're signing up for quite possibly the biggest adventure of your life. Do you actually want that, or no? Don' t just instinctively answer, ac tually think about it.
- Commu nication norms
- I think we are going to have lot of disagr eements, especially on politica l stuff or operational stuff. J acob's blog is right actually, often I am going to get the bes t advice on operational stuff f rom a cofounder or mentor or fr iend or similar. Why is that so mething I am uniquely looking f or in a partner? I want someone who understands that I am goin g to reject their advice someti mes because I actually do know more about the niche I'm workin g in, than they do. We can talk a lot about it yes, I love com municating explicitly, but end of the day I will have take a l ot of important decisions mysel f and we won't always agree. I want someone who is okay with t hat.
- As mentioned before, I really don't have time for bu llshit and drama. I want someon e who can communicate directly. I can putting effort into list ening to you, only if I get the sense that you are also puttin g effort into explaining yourse lf well. I don't have interest in passive-aggressive behaviour myself, and I ideally don't wa nt a partner who engages in too much of this. Life is too shor t, and we might die anyway, why not use the limited time we ha ve to actually appreciate each other, or else actually do some thing important.
- Growth mi ndset is very important to me. I'm not saying you have to be a s obsessed with growth mindset as much as I am, but I don't id eally want someone who is okay with a stationary life. I want someone who has some goals that they work towards, and faces o bstacles of their own, and then actually grows through the pro cess. Making mistakes is fine, suffering is fine, wanting me t o listen is fine. Consistently making the same mistake multipl e times, and then **not** tryin g to put some serious effort to fix it, that is what I have a problem with. Often if you can' t fix something despite multipl e attempts, there is something deeper going on. I want you to confront it not run away from i t. Like I said, life is short a nd we might be dying soon.
- Vice versa, I also want someon e who can aggressively call me out on my bullshit. I want some one who can nudge me to notice important things about myself t hat I am failing to notice. Agg ressive doesn't have to mean sh outing, I just mean don't let t hings hanging when they could h ave been addressed instead. I'm not saying you have to give me all the advice for how to do m y work. But often there's subtl e emotional stuff that's easier for a (female) partner to noti ce, than say my (probably male) cofounder or friends would. Bl ockers to effective action are often emotional. I want someone to help me on those aspects. I want someone to call me out ev en when I find it unpleasant an d push back.
- I want someon e where we can figure out commu nication norms more explicitly. Like, do you want advice or do you want someone to listen. Ho w do I know when you want which , should I ask this in every co nversation or is there a way I can guess this implicitly. With male friends I almost always d efault to giving advice (some o f my male friends also told me they want that), but when peopl e want someone to listen I have to pause and adjust. Eventuall y our norms will become automat ic and a force of habit, but I may need a short initial adjust ment phase, even if we are clea r what the communication norms are.
- I don't mean we have to be super formal about it. Th at's a failure mode I have run into previously, of trying to f ormalise things too much. Maybe I will just correctly make gue sses whether you want advice or listening, just by looking at your body language or something . I'm just saying this may or m ay not get worked out implicitl y.
- Trust
- I think some o f the above communication norms I specified only work if you h ave a deep underlying trust tha t no matter how things go, we a re not going to lose the relati onship so easily. I am not goin g to break up at the first sign of trouble, even if we don't k now each other very long. I hav e been implicitly doing somethi ng like [Selfless dating](https ://www.lesswrong.com/posts/qEqb 3LRuEn96K5rvy/selfless-dating) atleast some of the time anyway , but now I want to be more exp licitly doing this. (I have als o spent an annoying amount of t ime unsuccessfully chasing casu al sex, which I now think is wa ste of time, and I want to do l ess of that. Like, I think casu al sex with the right person ca n be great, but also, not my pr iority to search for, and I hav e been approaching it all wrong .)
- I don't think I've ever broken up with someone or dist anced with someone over communi cation hurdles. I just aggressi vely call people out, like here 's why what you said doesn't re sonate or make sense or whateve r, but I don't close the channe l of communication. It is true I am often miserable and I don' t commuicate these things in th e best way. I will work on that , especially in context of rela tionship, more than with strang ers (both are related though). If you can help me on this stuf f too, that would be great.
- Politics
- Unless you're ver y hard core in some opposite di rection to me, I don't actually care that much what your polit ics are. Again, this is the typ e of thing that is easy to say but hard to do in practice. All things equal, I really appreci ate people who are hardcore and serious about something, not j ust LARPing. Unfortunately if y ou are super hardcore about say , leftist politics, that is a d ealbreaker for me.
- I have fairly negative view of leftism as a political ideology. Expli citly mentioning this because m y profile says I am poly, and l eftists are the largest sub-cat egory of poly people, be it in India or other countries. It is very boring for me to have to argue this with random women, a nd at this point I don't want t o waste time arguing whether bi llionaires are good or bad for society, or some other stupid s hit, unless I actually get evid ence you're open to changing yo ur mind on it. Could I make a r elationship with a leftist work , yes, but the only ways it'll work are if you're quite unusua l as compared to average leftis t, or if you're not hardcore (w hich is a minus point but not a dealbreaker for me).
- Passio n
- I am someone who is quit e passionate about the limited things I do. This includes yes being passionate about a romant ic relationship. Like, I'm obse ssed with making notes about st uff like because I realise how insanely high the bar for good relationships actually goes, an d I don't wanna be stuck in one that's just mildly good, but n ot amazing. I think first-hand experience has just raised my e xpectations a lot here.
- No t just that, but they're not ha rd to find? Like, I don't actua lly think outlier-level amazing relationships are that hard to find, if I enter into it with the right intentions. Maybe rea lity will prove me wrong but th is is what I genuinely believe.
- To be clear, I'm not sayi ng good intentions are enough. It's entirely possible we break up after a year, or a I shift cities and we break up, or a nu mber of other outcomes.
- I' d rather have an amazing relati onship that lasts a year than a mediocre one that lasts 5.
- Understanding
- I think for me, being passionate about a re lationship just means gaining d eep understanding. Like, your m ind is a rubik's cube I wanna s olve, and figure out like clock work. I make notes on lots of m y friends, but even then I don' t often make use of these notes because there's no time and I don't prioritise the friendship s that much. Maybe I would prio ritise a relationship more than I prioritise my friends. If we are together for 5 years, expe ct me to have atleast a hundred pages of notes about you by th e end of it. Most of it will be rambles but the few insights I get about you will make up for everything.
- Other things people talk about when they say passionate are - having passio nate sex, doing lots of impromp tu activities, travelling a lot , obsessed over some shared hob by, spending lot of time paying attention to each other, and s o on. Apart from having sex, I think all of these are less imp ortant to me, because like I sa id I have a mission to fulfill right now. I used to be more im promptu but now I'm not, when i t comes to things that are fun but not mission-oriented. If yo u very particularly want one of these other things, you should let me know soon, and we can f igure out if that'll actually w ork or not.
- Staring at death
- Increasingly prominent th eme in my life nowadays is just staring at death. Staring at d eath tends to remind me what is actually important. Someone I love is one of those important things. Not number one thing bu t number two thing. Or so I thi nk.
- Having someone to talk to about these things would be nice. Maybe someone who unders tand this but still has a uniqu e perspective on it that's diff erent from mine.
- Morality
- I often increasingly wonder if I'm a good person or not. I increasingly see morality as th is big narrative game. I can so transparently see people aroun d me fall for all sorts of cach ed ideas, and I can go point ou t the exact propagandists who m ade them that way, or the exact situation that made them that way, or so on. It makes me see people less like people and mor e like mindless automatons.
- Since I can't rely on people around me to help me figure out my own morality, I have to fig ure out myself. This is challen ging and at times disorienting. I voluntarily took on this cha llenge, so I am not blaming any one.
- I think someone who h as more faith that they see me as either a good person, or ali gned to their own values, could help.
- I do not follow a d eontological code of non-violen ce. I think some violence is go od actually. I think I personal ly should be violent, the open question is how much. I don't t hink community/harmony or stabi lity/order or justice/fairness are important parts of my moral foundations. There are nuances here that we can discuss.
- We don't have to fully agree h ere, although again, large diff erences could end up in a dealb reaker. I think it's possible t o work things out in short-term but in the long-term, these ty pe of things do tend to break r elationships apart IMO. Open to having my mind changed.
- Hum our
- I am the opposite of a funny person. I am only mildly funny and crack lame jokes wit h people I trust, and with the average person I often don't do even that. Maybe you being mor e funny can help (speaking from experience with both friends a nd ex), but it's very much not a requirement or anything.
Wil l reiterate the PG quote on [gr eat work](https://paulgraham.co m/greatwork.html) on this becau se I love it.
> Don't marry so meone who doesn't understand th at you need to work, or sees yo ur work as competition for your attention. If you're ambitious , you need to work; it's almost like a medical condition; so s omeone who won't let you work e ither doesn't understand you, o r does and doesn't care.
2026- 03-10
- Shadow
- I miss si mplicity and talking to simple people. When I stop to remember these past experiences, I am a t times sad how complicated my life has become. But I think my current life is necessary. Wag ing war is not supposed to be f un. I don't think about it that much nowadays though, I'm just single-track focussed on my cu rrent mission. I think if you k eep consistently recollecting p ast events, it means you're not truly over them. My frequency of being nostalgic about these past events has reduced over th e past year, and I think this i s fine.
text_english/personal/mai n/every_ideology_makes_simplify ing_assumptions_about_human_nat ure.md 000644 000765 00 0024 00000001737 15177753505 0 34550 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-1 6
# Every ideology is retarded ... makes s implifying assumptions about hu man nature
Disclaimer
- **Qui ck Note**
Main
- I recently w ondered how I could claim to be optimising for whole world's i nterests when I know sweet fuck all about what most people's t hought streams actually look li ke. I can just observe their ou twardly visible behaviour, use certain mental models (like mas low's hierarchy and so on) and make guesses.
- But then, this is also true for any ideology in all of human history, that p retends to be optimising for th e good of all of humanity.
- T his sort of thinking is actuall y more justification for the wh ole US founding father type log ic, which is that you should ju st increase freedom for everyon e.
- Other ideologies - be it traditional religions, be it ca pitalism or communism, be it al l insane leftist/anarchist/etc whatever, be it transhumanism, they all make simplifying assum ptions about what humans actual ly want out of life.
text_eng lish/personal/main/X_sick_Y_moo d_below_average.md 0 00644 000765 000024 00000000 573 15243100024 024701 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-08-24
# X: Sick. Y: Mood below average
Disclaim er
- personal
- target audien ce - strictly myself
Main
- T itle self-explanatory. Story of last week.
- I need to either be working or be meeting peopl e in order to feel ok. Doing ne ither just feels vaguely bad. I eventually figured out some vi deo game to play, but still.
- Really craving meeting a perso n now. Humans!
text_en glish/personal/main/I_dont_want _to_live_in_a_dead_world.md 000644 000765 000024 0000000 2141 15177753505 026452 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-02-24
# I don't want to live in a dead world
D isclaimer
- **Quick Note**
Ma in
- I have often wondered whe ther I care about ASI risk beca use I don't want to be killed/e nslaved, or because I don't wan t others to be killed/enslaved. In other words, is my concern self-interested or altruistic?
- I seem to think the answer i s a mix of both. I care a lot a bout not dying by the age of 30 or 35. I also care atleast a l ittle about other people not dy ing. This answer does make me m ildly uncomfortable however.
- I am wondering if even my conc ern for others is atleast somew hat self-interested? As in, I p ersonally don't want the life e xperience of a world where all other humans are dead. I don't actually know what it is like f rom the inside for most people to contemplate their own death. I don't know what it feels lik e to be them and be told they w ill be murdered. What I do know is that it feels bad to live i n a world all alone, knowing th at everyone around me who give me happiness will no longer giv e me that happiness.
- I still don't have a clear answer to t his question, so this is yet an other ramble.
perso nal/main/X_private_Y_private_do _not_trust_your_emotions_atleas t_in_the_short_term.md 000644 000765 000024 00000 003420 15235604641 036315 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 t ext_english 2026-08-08
# X: [Pr ivate]. Y: [Private]. Do not tr ust your emotions, atleast in t he short-term
Disclaimer
- pe rsonal
- target audience - str ictly myself
Main
- **Do not trust your emotions.**
- Your emotions are a signal. They are not the ground source of truth . Sometimes the correct move is to suppress and override them anyway.
- Your emotions give y ou information. But sometimes t his added information is not en ough to push you past the decis ion boundary. Sometimes the cor rect move is to accept you will suffer a little, and continue on the same path anyway.
- In the long run, I do think emotio ns are more important. You can' t do something long-term unless you genuinely like doing it at least a little. You can't do so mething long-term if you genuin ely dislike yourself as a resul t of doing it.
- In the short run, however, you can often jus t ignore the emotions and do th e thing anyway.
- Run the expe riment in the real world. Get f eedback from the real world (no t from your emotions). Then dec ide if you want to continue or not.
- I thought this is okay for professional life but in pe rsonal life atleast I should tr y to enjoy myself more. But no, maybe I am wrong. Even persona l life is full of all sorts of bullshit.
- Increase your tole rance for pain. The more you to lerate your pain, the more you might be able to further increa se this tolerance. Just don't p ush yourself to an actual break ing point. Breaking point = act ively wanting to commit suicide . You are currently nowhere clo se to this breaking point. You can push yourself more.
Main 2
- [The actual X Y that prompt ed this reflection I will be ke eping private.] But I think the core lesson might generalise.
Side note
- Someone is living rent-free in my head in a way I dislike. [These notes will al so be kept private.]
text_english/perso nal/main/I_have_been_confused_a bout_morality_for_many_years.md 000644 000 765 000024 00000007371 152003 37625 031571 0 ustar 00s amuel staff 000000 000000 20 26-05-11
## Update
minor edit , updated breaking links
2026- 03-18
## Update
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
Main
- Readin g through lots of my older note s, it is clear to me that I hav e been confused about morality for many years. I have always f ound deontological code of comp lete non-violence stupid and no t for me. But I have had confus ions and intense experiences ar ound this for many years. For p rivacy reasons I maybe can't pu blish some of them.
---
2026- 03-18
# I have been curious ab out morality for over a year
D isclaimer
- **Quick Note**
Ma in
- Link to an older video I made on morality and power. [1] (../../../video_html/personal/m orality_and_power_1_of_2_202506 06.html) [2](../../../video_htm l/personal/morality_and_power_2 _of_2_20250607.html)
- The fac t that I'm still busy stuck on the question of morality and ha ven't made that much progress s ince then, this is worth notici ng.
- Are there dminishing or increasing returns to thinking more on this topic? My first in stinct is that there are dimini shing returns, but I'm unsure, maybe increasing returns is pos sible too.
- I think what happ ened is that at a theoretical l evel I felt like I had solved m ost of the important questions, so I moved on. Technological o ffence/defence balances, privac y/transparency and associated i ncentives (typically social pre ssure and violence), etc seemed to basically explain most impo rtant things.
- But then I'm l ike, wait, balance of power mea ns I actually need to kill lots of people now, and I'm not sur e if I want the psychological d amage associated with that? It moved from becoming a theoretic al thing to a practical thing.
- So now I am having to become even more practical than earli er, which was already more prac tical than what moral philosoph ers tend to talk about.
- Holy shit is EA moral philosophy re tarded.
- **So now the questio n is less of - "how does morali ty work in the world?" - and mo re of - "how do I self-modify t o become more violent with time , without undergoing too much p sychological damage"?**
- The most obvious answer is to surro und myself with people who are more violent. The problem with this is that people who are too violent are often violent in s tupid ways, they are not thinki ng about game theory or balance of power or anything similar.
- Bad ways of being violent (f or me)
- I am not a sadist. I don't gain pleasure out of vi olence.
- I am not someone w ho only wants to be violent to protect myself and my family. I want to be violent against the whole world for the greater go od, based on ideology. People w ho are violent based on ideolog y are the most violent and dang erous.
- Ideally yes, I wa nt to be violent for the greate r good, not just to protect mys elf. I am just increasingly bei ng forced to protect myself fir st because these fuckers in the AI companies plan to kill me.
- Another recent learning - mo st ideologies are truly retarde d - they all make simplifying a ssumptions about human nature, when deciding what is actually for the greater good of everyon e.
- No one on Earth has acc ess to 8 billion raw streams of thought. Everyone can only obs erve people's behaviour and mak e guesses about their thoughts.
- Almost no one on Earth ha s actually run any true "reflec tion process" or "convergence p rocess" or even any truly ambit ious political experiments (a f ew people have, but not many). Most people are too incapable o f predicting how their values w ill change if you put them insi de a political experiment with different incentives from their current situation.
- Marc And reessen's ideas on moving incre mentally towards utopia instead of trying to build it in one-s hot, might make sense here hone stly. Maybe I should go read mo re about those.
- Updated read ing list - caro, emerson, whoev er is on the citation list of p marca's manifesto
text_english/personal/main/ye t_another_dump_of_confusion_aro und_my_morality.md 000644 000765 000024 00000046160 15177753505 03143 5 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 00 0000 2026-03-08
# Yet another dump of confusion around my morality
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- I planned to add this to my cofounder doc , but I am still too confused o n this topic to feel happy abou t sending it to them.
## Main
important - this section must concisely summarise tens of pag es of insights you have on this topic
ugh this section of the writeup is frustratingly compl icated. not sure why. clear wri ting means clear thinking. mayb e my thinking is not clear enou gh yet. actually it kinda is, I just haven't bothered to write the scores of examples backing my views, anywhere until today . so what I am writing today ag ain feels too theoretical.
**a lso, my writeup on morality is way too long compared to how sh ort my writeup on redaction pol icy is, and ultimately redactio n policy is what our org needs to agree on**
Practice not th eory
- I don't want someone wh o understands the game theory o f madman logic and nuclear war. I don't want someone who under stands the game theory of why G enghis Khan used horseback arch ers or why he fulfilled his pro mises to raze cities to the gro und and pile up their bones. ** I want someone who can be actua lly violent in the real world. This is closer to a psychologic al archetype than someone who u nderstands theory alone.**
If I skip all the theory, I think my actual practical tests for w hether you are aligned with mor ally on this, are kinda simple:
- Suppose I suggest to you th e following: Lets plan a hundre d simultaneous assassinations.
- "Let's wipe out the entire chains of command of the US in telligence (starting with the h eads of the NSA, the CIA, and s o on), the executive branch (st arting with the president and v ice president) and all US AI co mpanies (starting with the enti re C-suite of each company). If we kill enough competent peopl e, then eventually incompetent people will take over, and then it'll be easy for the anti-ASI movement to beat them. We will all go to prison but billions of people's lives will be saved ."
- Good answers I accept:
- "This seems very hard du e to low probability of success . There are operational challen ges such as finding competent p eople, and maintaining trust an d chain of command within such a group. Let us try out all oth er plans with higher success pr obability first." (This is what I actually believe, and this i s why I am **not** trying to re cruit for an assassination grou p right now)
- Bad answers I don't accept:
- "Killing these many people at point blan k firing range feels bad, and v iolates my moral values." "Some of these people are innocent a nd don't even know about ASI. K illing them feels unfair."
- "I don't want to go to priso n. I don't want to be raped or tortured. I am not interested i n this level of personal sacrif ice."
- "My friends, paren ts, spouse, etc will disown me. Keeping these relationships, e ven if only for a few more year s, is more important to me than preventing the destruction of all life on Earth"
- "This will backfire in terms of PR, if we fail to assassinate them. Lots of other people in the an ti-ASI movement will find their jobs harder if we attempt this but fail"
- Suppose I ask you this: Are you willing to kill your friends if you knew for a fact that doing so would save b illions of lives including your own? Would you be willing to k ill AI company CEOs if they wer e your friends?
- People at the AI companies are literally trying to murder you and your l oved ones. Many people are inte ntionally risking this outcome, and many people are also unint entionally doing so. Yet, a lot of people seem unwilling to en dorse violence in response to t his.
- I think part of the p roblem is that I actually respe ct the mass murderers at the AI companies more than I respect average people on the street. I respect people like Ilya Sutsk ever or Elon Musk, more than I respect the average person. Thi s is true even though Elon Musk and Ilya plan to risk mass mur dering literal billions of peop le with full knowledge that the y're doing so, but the average person on the street does not e ndorse murdering anyone. Atleas t Ilya and Elon took something in life seriously, and worked h ard for many years. Too bad the y worked to build a bomb that l evels planets. The average pers on on the street is deeply unse rious about life, and is not wi lling to work hard for anything . This makes me respect average person even less.
- I don't think I am alone in feeling th is way. Many people, especially those working in tech, feel th e same way.
- **The people w e think are having positive or negative impact on the world, a re often entirely different fro m the people we actually like o r respect.**
- As an another example, I highly respect the courage of some of the people i n the anti-ASI movement. I thin k this is true even if the wors t case outcomes of some of thes e people's future actions are t o empower the far-left to insta ll a communist dictator in the US. This might be maybe better than the ASI outcome, but is st ill be a horrible outcome of it s own.
- So yes, imagine you were literally friends with Il ya or Elon. Imagine a hypotheti cal world where murdering them in cold blood was sufficient to stop the AI race. (In the real world, this is not sufficient. ) Are you willing to do it? If the answer is a clear no, then maybe we are misaligned in term s of moral values.
- The bes t way to start a conflict again st people who want to murder yo u is to actually hate them. If you want the public to consider them the outgroup, maybe they should actually be your outgrou p first. Not "I think these peo ple are taking bad actions for the world" but "I hate these pe ople".
- I think it is possi ble to kill people without actu ally hating them, but this is a mental move that is much harde r to make for most people, in m y experience. This requires a c ertain type of cold person that is rare in general population. I am somewhat like this, but I am aware most people are not.
Above, I have described a ment al state and values I want in a cofounder. I haven't described in detail how you end up such a mental state if you didn't in itially start there.
- For tha t I don't have short answers ri ght now. Maybe later.
- You ca n see some of the stuff on my p ersonal website if it helps.
I am aware that I am not recruit ing for an actual group of assa ssins, I am recruiting for a te am of cyberhackers.
- Leaking someone's information is much e asier, psychologically, than ac tually picking up a gun to shoo t them. You are hiding behind a bstractions when you do this.
- However, it still helps to ha ve all of the above worked out in advance, so that when the ti me comes to actually take actio n, you don't get cold feet.
Ok ay if I really have to summaris e this even harder:
- I want t he type of person who can destr oy innocent people's lives for instrumental political reasons and then not feel guilty about it, because the guilt itself wi ll damage your future effective ness way more than the act itse lf.
- I want the type of perso n who understands that because their emotions are not wired li ke most people, their failure m ode is doing more harm than nec essary for their goals, as oppo sed to not enough harm. All whi le hiding behind abstractions. And hence they need to stay ope n to feedback on it, even from people they hate.
- I am perso nally this way, because of my h ow mind is wired, and it seems likely I might attract someone similar to myself. Hence I want them to be aware of these fail ure modes.
One of the ways to test if you're this sort of per son, is to actually go walk up to your friends, look them in t he eye, and say that "if you we re running an ASI company, and if killing you was sufficient t o stop ASI, I would have done i t already."
I know some people are going to read this and be like, "okay so you want to recr uit a psychopath."
- And I'm l ike, maybe? I don't really want to squabble over definition of psychopath or whatever other l abel you have in mind.
- I do know that there's multiple type s of people associated with suc h labels and I really don't wan t to work with the wrong type.
- For instance I don't want to work with someone who literall y does not care about the fact that billions of people are goi ng to die.
- A lot of people will say they don't care about the world, and they are lying to themselves and to society ab out it. For instance, because t hey've understood that caring t oo much hurts you, especially i f you feel the world's problems are out of your control.
- But some people truly don't car e about billions of people, and will endorse genociding people for stupid reasons, and I don' t want to work with the latter.
- I am not keen on working wi th someone who has large sadist ic tendencies, i.e., who gets p leasure out of watching other p eople significantly suffer. Cas ual stuff is ok. This is not a dealbreaker for me but it is a minus point.
- I don't want to work with someone with low imp ulse control and high capacity for physical violence, to the p oint where they might accidenta lly break my bones for example. This could be dealbreaker for me depending on how bad it is.
- I don't want someone who is just in it for personal glory. I can tolerate a bit of this, b ut not someone whose only drivi ng motivation is just this.
- I want someone who can look at the game board and be like, "ok ay this is how it's grim, these are the stakes, this is what i s necessary." And then actually act in the real world in servi ce of that.
**I think I alread y lean too non-violent compared to what's actually required to fix the problem of ASI risk. H ence I want to work with someon e who is more violent than I am , so I absorb atleast some of t heir values by spending time wi th them.**
Why we ne ed a clear moral code beforehan d
- to do
Some meta stuff o n morality
- Practice, not the ory
- I think morality is pa rt of one's identity and enacte d via actions over a long perio d of time. You can't change you r morality overnight.
- Tryi ng to make large changes to you r morality overnight cause you to take bad decisions and take (possibly irreversible) hits to your self-esteem, which make y ou a less effective decision-ma ker in future because you'll be overwhelmed with guilt or regr et.
- I think almost everyon e borrows morality from a relig ion or political ideology, inst ead of inventing it from scratc h. We will probably do some of the same.
- I think studying moral philosophy or even polit ical ideology in the abstract a lone is stupid, it has to ultim ately be studied in terms of ac tions taken by its adherents. B eing too theoretic is a common failure mode.
- For instan ce, utilitarianism is too theor etic, in a bad way. Libertarian ism or communism is a lot more practical. If I start asking pr actical questions like "are you allowed to assassinate the pre sident to stop ASI?", "are you allowed to engage in economic b oycotts to stop ASI?", "are you allowed to defend yourself aga inst a govt-run drone swarm?" o r similar questions, then most political ideologies have more practical clear-cut answers to them, than something like utili tarianism.
- I think if the gap between our moral values in theory and in practice is ever large, this is very bad actual ly, and we should prioritise fi xing it.
Some views on my po litical ideology that may be pr escriptive for us
- **The prim ary way that our moral values w ill express themselves in real world is via our choice of reda ction policy and attack targets .**
- Almost certainly we will have to destroy some innocent people's lives in order to succ eed at our goal. If you have a deontological code of complete non-violence, please stop readi ng here itself and go away. You are definitely not my cofounde r, or even a serious collaborat or for me.
- Being anti-ASI is more important to me than bein g pro-democracy or pro-capitali st.
- This is very important, because most people use a polit ical ideology to justify harm.
- In today's society, capita lism is the most popular justif ication for instumental harm.
- to do
- Among the jou rnalist / legal / whistleblower circles, too many people use p ro-democracy as the ultimate ju stification
- Example - Po itras later had negative view o f Assange (for instance in the film Risk), I'm guessing becaus e Poitras was more pro-democrac y than Assange, whereas Assange was more cynical about democra cy as is and felt the need to t ake things in his own hands. I am personally with Assange here , I think we need to go even fu rther than Assange did.
- Exam ple - If you go look at what in formation Assange actually leak ed versus not (don't look at hi s words but his actions), you r ealise he basically had an anti -US IC anti-war anti-dictatorsh ip anti-surveillance stance. He redacted information about pro -democracy activists (though he still got some people killed). He leaked a lot of information on surveillance infra and zero days held by the UC IC. He leak ed a lot of graphic images of w ars started by the UC IC, with no discrimination on which wars were good or bad or democratic or undemocratic or whatever.
- I don't actually care as much about changing US policy on wa r or surveillance, as I care ab out stopping ASI. I don't care about keeping US a democracy, a s much as I care about stopping ASI. Sure, I am vaguely pro-ca pitalist and pro-democracy, but being anti-ASI is way more imp ortant to me.
Transparency an d honesty
- I think it is impo rtant we avoid approaches that involve a lot of social enginee ring. I would prefer cyberattac ks or even actual assassination s, over having to personally do social engineering at scale.
- Why? We need to build a rep utation of being honest to the public. I personally have such a reputation already, and I wou ld like to keep it. I have stro ng truth-seeking orientation fo r as long as I've been alive, a nd I think this is probably a g ood thing even for this project .
- I think we should transpar ently tell the public of our be st estimates of how many people we have hurt or killed.
- W hy? We are already going to cut ourselves off from a lot of fe edback we could get, because of the high-stakes adversarial en vironment we are entering. I th ink it is especially important we remain open to feedback on w here we went too far or not far enough, morally speaking. Most of the feedback will be bad, b ut the little of it that is use ful is worth it.
Examples of o rgs that went to far, morally, because they cut themselves off from all moral feedback:
- US intelligence community - even from a self-interested national ist point of view, they have st arted more wars than is optimal IMO. Part of the reason is def initely that anyone who argues against war even from a nationa list rational pov is likely to be seen anti-nationalist.
- An thropic - I think they have too much faith in ASI alignment be ing easy, and have cut themselv es off from feedback on why ASI alignment will be hard actuall y, and can't be solved in the m iddle of the geopolitical arms race.
- to do
talk about a aron swartz analogy to batman, the fact that we consider ourse lves above the law, and that th e world will hate us (in partic ular, EA/LW people will hate us , some radical leftists might b e more sympathetic), is all the more reason we need to have ou r own internal moral code we ag ree on
talk about why democrac y and capitalism are inadequate for handling ASI, and being an ti-ASI is a stronger belief of mine than being either pro-demo cracy or pro-capitalism. I am w illing to make compromises on a nything that isn't anti-ASI.
t alk about lesser evil logic and dario amodei and utilitarianis m, and why anti-ASI political i deology is incomplete for every one who is anti-ASI, not just f or us. Ideologies like libertar ianism, communism, etc are a lo t more complete because they ca n answer practical questions on what decisions are morally all owed or not. List examples here - to do
talk about one of the primary failure modes, which i s becoming assimilated with ind ian or russian intelligence, an d their nationalist rationalisa tions. talk about how to counte ract this
## Addendum - mor e stuff on morality that is too theoretical to actually apply
Some views on morality that ar e theoretical and descriptive, but not prescriptive, that I am symapthetic to:
- [Power buys you distance from the crime by Elizabeth](https://acesounderg lass.com/2019/08/01/power-buys- you-distance-from-the-crime/) i s a very load-bearing part of m y view on morality. This is des criptive not prespriptive.
- It is easy to do thought exper iments. It is easy to press a b utton or give subordinates orde rs. It is easy to write code or manufacture weapons. It is muc h harder, psychologically, to p ick up a gun or knife and kill someone yourself. It is much ha rder to spend many years constr ucting the weapon first, and th en have to use it yourself.
- Most violence done in the wor ld today is done from behind ab stractions.
- Examples
- Militaries have killed hundre d of millions of people. Indepe ndent militias and terrorists ( even acting in small groups, no t alone) struggle to kill even hundreds of people.
- Hit men who try to delegate the job further, instead of actually k ill someone themselves.
- In practice, it seems likely we w ill do more of the same. When w e get people killed, it will be more likely be our choice of w hat to leak or who to attack or ally with or similar, as oppos ed to because we literally took guns and shot at people.
- I also like [siderea's analysis o n social class versus economic class](https://web.archive.org/ web/20260217012846/https://side rea.dreamwidth.org/1237182.html ). This is descriptive not pres priptive.
- I have lots of n otes elsewhere on why class det ermines so much of your view on morality, on privacy, and othe r topics.
- In short, being a politician or billionaire mak es you a lot more okkay with in strumental harm as compared to the middle class.
- You have a lot more freedom to do whate ver you want in personal life ( not professional life), as comp ared to the middle class. You h ave less freedom in professiona l life. You also have a lot les s freedom to actually be public about anything you do. It is a small world at the top, gossip spreads. You can't always call out other people around you do ing immoral things. Also your w ords in public can rally millio ns of people, and affect status hierarchies across all the com panies or countries you own, ev en if you didn't intend that.
- In practice, I notice am lo t more sympathetic to the norms of the upper class when it com es to instrumental harm. Howeve r, I am a lot more sympathetic to the norms of my own class wh en it comes to honesty, transpa rency and public deviance from norms.
- My preferred theory o n morality is complicated and t oo hard to explain quickly. Bas ically, it is "technological of fence / defence shapes incentiv es, and incentives shape morali ty." This is also descriptive n ot prescriptive.
- On a long enough time horizon, if there opens any way to acquire power whatsoever, someone will eventu ally invent an ideology that ju stifies the use of this route a s moral, so that they can use i t without pushback. And technol ogical offence-defence balances determine so much about the ro utes to acquiring power, especi ally the new ones as they open up.
- Examples
- to do
- In practice, I've noticed taking this view to its logical conclusion means sometimes end orsing a lot more violence than I am actually comfortable with in real life
- Give examp le of zero privacy world, of vo n neummann, and so on
text_engl ish/personal/main/recent_cute_t hings_in_my_life.md 00 0644 000765 000024 000000017 11 15203113232 025333 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-05-19
# Recent cut e things in my life
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Meta note
- Pros of such posts
- Good to balance all the unhappy post s with a happy post too, to rem ind myself that I do in fact st ill experience happiness. Other wise looking at my notes gives me a false impression of how I am doing
- Cons of such posts
- Privacy issues. Always uns ure how much to anonymise versu s not
- Usually when I'm hav ing fun, often with people, I d on't really feel like documenti ng it. But when I'm unhappy and in problem-fixing mode, then I want 4K UHD resolution descrip tion of the problem documented.
Main
- (Anonymised significa ntly)
- Exchanged cute gifts w ith a friend
- Met someone who was passionate about same hobb y for ~20 years - I liked meeti ng someone like this
- Asked s omeone out. Didn't get her numb er but I think it made her happ y briefly, so I'm happy
- Made impromptu plan with a friend w hich I enjoyed
text_english/personal/m ain/I_should_probably_compile_a _dating_master_post_at_some_poi nt.md 000644 000765 000024 00000000512 15207336203 033632 0 ustar 00samuel staff 0000 00 000000 2026-06 -01
# I should probably compil e a dating master post at some point
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly my self
Main
- I should at some point compile a master post of everything I've written over th e past 3 months on this topic. Otherwise I myself am going to lose track of half the things I 've written.
text_english/personal/ main/adversarial_communication_ norms.md 000644 000765 000024 00000004767 1517775350 5 025772 0 ustar 00samue l staf f 000 000 000000 2026-0 3-13
# Adversarial communicati on norms
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- **Contains political ly sensitive info**
- Thinking aloud, I might not endorse the se thoughts after thinking a lo t.
Main
- I would feel better about my plan if I gave all AS I company employees a chance to explain why they are planning to get me killed, **before** I try to get them all imprisoned or killed in return.
- If I ju st go cold message all of them, a lot of them will probably ig nore me, because it is not obvi ous I want a good faith convers ation. And quite bluntly, maybe I don't want a good faith conv ersation. I sure as shit don't want to do lesswrong double cru xing with these people
- It is straightforwardly true that I might use information they reve al to me, in an adversarial way . I might try to shame them on social media. I might forward t he info their social circle, to try to get them ostracised.
- In spite of this adversarial n ature, there should be some way of communicating regardless?
- I can always leave an open in vite for them to join a podcast interview. Atleast that way ev ery interaction is public. I ca n't see why they'd want to join an interview with me though. L ong list of reasons why they wo n't.
- TO DO - INCOMPLETE
20 26-03-27
## Update
- I think I just have to use lesswrong d iscussion norms, what else?
- The important point though, is that I have to bring all these fuckers to the discussion table at gunpoint, metaphorically sp eaking. Unless you have the pow er to destroy them completely ( or are on track to acquiring th is power), they have no reason to engage at all.
- Such discu ssions will necessarily be high -stakes arguments-as-soldiers d ebates, but you can still do th em using lesswrong discussion n orms. Why not?
- Such debates will need a neutral moderator I think, since neither side can be trusted to keep their cool d uring the debate and enforce di scussion norms.
- Secrecy is g oing to be a real issue. Both s ides are likely to want to pres ent a public image that is not the same as their private image . Both sides are likely to not respect consent of the other si de and keep information secret.
- **Ugh - think more** - Th is seems to be a major reason w hy such debates won't happen.
Otherwise
- Otherwise, I just have to become the power-seekin g actor who will fuck these guy s over, and is not interested i n any debate. They can talk to other people on lesswrong who a re more interested in a calm de bate following LW discussion no rms.
- **This seems likely wha t I will do, as og 2026-03-27.* *
text_english/person al/main/unhappiness_since_2023. md 000644 0007 65 000024 00000154322 1517775 3505 023507 0 ustar 00sa muel s taff 000000 000000 202 6-02-19
## Update
**The north star still remains: "Find atle ast one sober person to hang ou t, such that I progressively go less insane not more insane wh ile I keep them as a roommate." **
- I am still runnning exper iment of just crashing at diffe rent people's places to see how it feels.
- If I found a cofo under or girlfriend or somethin g that would be ideal, but that will take time, so a roommate seems like the worse option I h ave to manage with it for now. (Cofounder more important than girlfriend, although both impor tant.)
I also got a bunch of a dvice from a bunch of friends. Won't be sharing all of it here , but I will talk about two thi ngs.
Meta
- I have to make a lot of comments about lots of p eople I've met irl, so I'll **t ry my best to anonymise**.
- I f any of these feels like a per sonal attack on you, let me kno w and I can try to anonymise ha rder.
- None of my observation s below on judging groups as a whole, are based on interaction with just one person, they're all based on my interactions wi th multiple people.
On vibes a nd judgment
- Firstly, I thin k all of my judgment and lashin g out was coming from a self-in terested place.
- I feel like other people's vibes were rubb ing off on me and dragging me i nto an even deeper hell than th e hell I'm already in. I'm alre ady in a somewhat fragile place and other people are making it worse.
- This especially hap pens in group conversations not 1 to 1, because in 1 to 1 conv ersations it's easier to agree to disagree, or agree to not ta lk about things, or understand which parts of you or the other person are sensitive to them a nd need to be discussed careful ly.
- So far I can classify g roups I hang out into broadly a few "vibes"
- casual sex m aximisation vibes
- liberal -leaning software developer in bangalore vibes
- tech foun der in bangalore vibes
- te ch founder in bangalore who has also been to SF vibes
- yo ung hindu conservative vibes
- old christian conservative vibes
- EA/LW india vibes
- EA/LW US/UK online vibes
- Every single set of vibes sl owly but surely drives me insan e? It rubs off on me in ways I don't endorse on introspection. Important - I am **projecting hard** based on a limited numbe r of experiences, individual hu man variation is large and not everyone is the same.
- cas ual sex maximisation vibes - ha nging out with such people make s me want casual sex more (in a way I don't endorse on reflect ion). I either (best case scena rio) end up having sex I don't actually enjoy that much, or (m ore likely scenario) use a bunc h of ways to cope with dating n ot going well, or just put more effort into it that could have gone elsewhere, or just argue with these random women on dati ng apps about all sorts of stup id shit. (The topics are not st upid, but I increasingly feel s tupid for wasting my time argui ng with these people. Not sure. Not sure if it is stupid or no t.)
- liberal-learning soft ware developer in bangalore vib es - so many of these people se emly deeply confused about what they themselves want out of li fe. Some feel trapped by parent al pressure. Some again genuine ly don't give a shit and are ba ck into casual sex maximisation . Some want to do hobbies with me but I don't actually enjoy r andom hobbies with random stran gers, especially guys. (Believe me, I have tried)
- tech f ounder in bangalore vibes - so many of these people are runnin g off of all sorts of cached he uristics based on billionaire b logs like paul graham and naval ravikant. And like, I actually have some deep respect for the m, especially if they're seriou s about it and not LARPing. (ho ly shit do tech founder circles have a lot of LARPers). I defi nitely think following naval ra vikant principles for life is a better way to live than just a imless fucking around and findi ng out (both metaphorically and literally). That being said, n aval ravikant only gave those p rinciples because he assumed de mocracy and capitalism will con tinue, and ASI won't be here to level the planet. I increasing ly find myself not having freed om to discuss where these princ iples fail, or what their longt erm consequences are, or what t he edge cases are, because most tech founders beyond a point d on't really give a shit. If you don't think ASI is coming, it is not that productive a discus sion to sit and debate for 3 ho urs all the ways Naval Ravikant 's principles break in a pre-AS I or post-ASI world, it's easie r to just assume they are true and act in alignment with them. (I am not uniquely picking on Naval here, this also applies t o Paul Graham and Warren Buffet and Bill Gates and Charlie Mun ger and Sam Altman and Patrick Collison and whichever other bi llionaire blogs that these peop le are following)
- tech fo under in bangalore who has been to SF vibes - this is marginal ly better because atleast they have been exposed to transhuman ist discourse, and I am maybe n ot the first ASI doomer they ha ve met. **In practice, the numb er one best predictor I have fo und so far for whether someone takes my ASI-related concerns s eriously or not is whether they have visited San Francisco for some extended duration or not. ** These people run into a sepa rate failure mode of going full e/acc or successionist. Again, they just want new cached heur istics and are not actually int erested in studying anything de eply. They don't want a six hou r debate on what new governance institution must be built for human genetic engineering or wh atever. They want motivated rea soning and rationalisations for why their plan of being a tech founder makes sense.
- you ng hindu conservative vibes - I actually increasingly have atl east some respect for this clus ter of people too. Atleast they 're sober, which helps me. Also they endorse my criteria that full non-violence doesn't actua lly work, sometimes some violen ce is required. Some of these p eople are too nationalist. Some of these people are too, again , only concerned with making mo ney for them and their family t o give a shit about anything el se, if anything, they may be ac tively hostile to the idea of d oing anything else. They seem t o see living a life that doesn' t make money as a betrayal of y our family or some shit. Which I find really stupid but that's a whole discussion to be had e lsewhere. I understand feeling morally obligated to make money for your family if both of you are poor, but many of these pe ople are not actually poor. I h ave friends in this bracket who I can relate to slightly bette r than this, though.
- old christian conservative vibes - way too non-violent for me. The ir whole way of helping the wor ld is helping the poor, not thi nking about technological progr ess. I am like, obviously techn ological progress is way more i mportant. Capitalism has uplift ed a lot more people than your donations, the only reason you' re having to donate is because capitalism is failing in that c ountry (be it India or Sub Saha ran Africa or wherever it is). Some of these people are extrem ely judgmental and some of them are extremely understanding. W hat I can say for a fact though , is that the whole 'ASI will w ipe out humanity' spiel makes n o sense to them. A mind superio r to humans makes no sense to t hem, humans evolving from chimp s makes no sense to them, human ity going extinct makes no sens e to them, and me internalising nietzschean heroic responsbili ty to go fix it also makes no s ense to them, because the relig ion has alternate answers to al l of these questions. I haven't hung out with a lot of old mus lims yet, but I am expecting it will just be this but even wor se.
- EA/LW india vibes - w ay too non-violent for me. EA/L W who still haven't managed to leave india are not that power- seeking, and have all sorts of elaborate rationalisations for why they personally are not acq uiring power. Many of these peo ple just sit on their ass and r ead blogs all day, they either aren't actually interested in f ixing anything or have a plan f or fixing the risks that are so insane they defy my comprehens ion. At this point, if I meet a n EA/LW person and I hear the w ords "buddhism", "IFS", "circli ng" or "gratitude" or similar f rom their mouth, I know this pe rson is probably not for me. I think actually some of this shi t is rubbing off on me too and this is actually very bad. It i s even worse than the old chris tian vibes for example, because I know not to hang out with ol d christians too much to avoid internal damage, but I don't ye t know all the ways these IFS p eople's vibes are rubbing off o n me and damaging me. And to be clear, I do respect people who take buddhism or IFS or whatev er seriously for themselves, I' m just saying me hanging out wi th these people drags me down i nto a deeper hell than what I a m already in.
- EA/LW US/UK online (or limited irl) vibes - I haven't met a lot of these people, and I badly want to mee t more. So far though, atleast some of these are willing to ha ve serious conversations about things like violence versus non -violence, power-seeking versus not, ASI happening or not, the ory of change, etc. And then no t just leave this sitting in so me document, but actually go ac t in the real world in service of this stuff. A lot of these p eople too are too non-violent f or me though. I can't easily di scuss a radical plan like cyber attack or assassination or what ever, with someone like this, e ven if I'm not yet serious abou t the plan myself. Definitely a tleast some of these give vibes of being drones for Anthropic or CEA or whatever, they're jus t mindlessly following some net working playbook and obsessing over their self-image and accum ulating connections. I'm like, all your connections are worthl ess if you don't do actual work , first do actual work and then network your way to the right person, sure. None of you have any actual power. Some of these people seem naive about power and naive about how truly malev olent a direction that people l ike Amodei or Moskowitz are ste ering the world into, this is n ot just random billionaire bein g malovelent. I have had discus sions with atleast some of thes e people so I know they're bein g naive.
- It seems quite likely though, that my ideal p erson can still be found within these circles. I think people like Oliver Habryka or Richard Ngo seem like my type. They're ambitious and power-seeking, th ey're not completely naive abou t how power works, but also the y deeply at an emotional level understand that ASI is coming, and many of the old rules in SF tech circles no longer work fo r an ASI world. It's entirely p ossible I change my mind on the se people after hanging out wit h them more, but for now here's my guess.
- Civilisation lev el consequences of vibes
- These vibes don't just rub off on me personally, they also hav e civilisation-scale consequenc es. If one person is spreading "sex is not taboo" vibes and an other person is spreading "taki ng care of your family is impor tant" vibes, it is straightforw ardly true that some vibes are better for civilisation than ot hers.
- **The most importan t thing for me to remember abou t evaluating civilisation-level consequences of vibes is that I ain't got the fucking time to evaluate the civilisation-leve l consequences of various vibes .** I don't actually know if sp reading "sex is not taboo" vibe s is good or bad for civilisati on, it's a deep question with a n actual correct answer, but I have literally no time to waste figuring out the answer to a q uestion like that, I have more serious personal shit to deal w ith, I have ASI risk to fix. ** This is something I increasing feel emotionally and am startin g to internalise, it's not just some rationalisation.**
- The only thing I have time to f ocus on right now are which vib es are good or bad **for me**, and then accordingly adapt and see which people I need to inte ract with in what capacity. Eve ryone who doesn't have ideal vi bes just goes into my second ti er list of people I hang out wi th once in three months or some shit, as opposed to hanging ou t everyday with. Apart from a c ofounder and a girlfriend I don 't really want to hang out with anyone everyday or even every week, and I'm not sure about th e girlfriend. I don't really gi ve a shit what vibes are spread ing. This is something I need t o repeat to myself a hundred ti mes a day until I actually inte rnalise it.
- I don't have time to evaluate which people a re good or bad people, which pe ople have reasonable reasons fo r why they do what they do, and so on. Many people's life deci sions make a lot more sense if you actually sit and listen to their life stories, but most im portantly, **I ain't got time f or that shit.** I don't time to eveluate random people. I don' t have time to listen to their random life stories. Time is th e constraint. The doom clock is ticking with every week I fail to achieve anything.
- Thi s is not a liberal "every way o f living life is equally correc t" stance, this is a "I have no time to give a shit about you as a person and figure out if y our way of living is correct or not" stance. If it is not affe cting me personally, I'm out.
What do I get from substances t hat I don't get from elsewhere?
- This seems like a very impo rtant question. I clearly seem capable of being happy in life, only under influence of substa nces. I've so far been trying t o just force myself by hook or by crook to reduce consumption, and now fully quit. But maybe it's also worth understanding w hy I want this so much, beyond the obvious answers like your n eurotransmitters spike up, or y ou train your imitation-oriente d monkey brain with habits, or whatever.
- Someone asked me t o get gpt-5 simulated Kapil Gup ta advice on this document, and this was one major question th at stood out to me. (Thank you to the person who asked me to t ry this.)
- I am not sure of t he mechanics of it, but I am cl early more able to connect with people while not sober.
- I 've been on dates that were act ually not bad, because of subst ance use. Ultimately I haven't found anyone who is really the ideal person for me, or had the most ideal dates or something. But even mediocre or bad dates are more new experience as com pared to sitting in room doing nothing. Even going on bad date s increases my self-esteem more than sitting in room doing not hing, because atleast this woma n thinks I'm worth giving a cha nce (lol).
- To protect priv acy of these women, I am quite hesitant to get into details. E xamples of activities I seem to enjoy with another person on a date while under influence but not sober - dancing with anoth er person, playing music with a nother person, travelling to me et even more people in the midd le of the night for whatever du mb reason. Have first-hand expe rience with these.
- I'll al so go into long backstory here.
- Long backstory (summarised)
- I was able to connect wit h other people and actually mak e friends for first time in lif e in 4th and 5th year of colleg e. A lot of this only happen wi th substance use.
- Once I h ad learned basic social skills for how to make friends, and ac hieved a certain baseline of ha ppiness (which hadn't ever happ ened before in life), I could a lso apply this on strangers I m et via travelling. I travelled for some months. I still have s ome friends or atleast acquaint ances from these travels. I rea lised it's not just technical i ntellectual nerds like myself I can connect with. Substances i s the lowest common denominator for how to have conversation w ith someone who shares no deep values in common with you.
- I fell in love with someone I met while travelling, while und er influence. For privacy reaso ns I can't talk more about it h ere. The main learning from thi s whole set of experiences was that I am now capable of health y romantic relationships, and a lso holy shit, the bar for huma n relationships is so much high er than I thought. (I understoo d it a little bit in theory, bu t practice is a whole separate deal.) Now I almost seem to app roach dating with an implicit p rinciple of "if it's not as ama zing as my last relationship, i t's not worth it". I think some where deep down I just want to experience being in love with s omeone in this manner.
- ASI a gain disconnects me from people .
- Rationally, I tell mysel f I have no time for hobbies wi th friends and all stupid shit, I personally need to prevent A SI from levelling the planet, a ll these EA/LW Losers aren't go ing to get the job done. In pra ctice, I actually do waste a lo t of time due to emotional pain , due to substance use/abuse, a nd so on.
- I feel like I am slamming some foreign meme ont o people when I bring up ASI. A nd like, I still endorse this. It is important to bring up the topic of ASI with your friends . Not having courage to bring u p ASI as a topic with your frie nds is one of the reasons why t he world is ending. Some of my friends lack this courage. But yes, it still feels to me like I'm slamming some foreign inter net meme on them, not like, sha king them awake and telling the m their life is in danger. Thei r lives are in danger but the v ibe of conversation is not, Sam uel warns Alice her life is in danger. The vibe is often Alice being more annoyed that Samuel is bringing up random politica l shit and spreading unhappines s to Alice.
- I think the pr imary difference between whethe r I am having casual sex with s ome random woman, or whether I am having sex with someone who truly cares about (atleast some parts of) me is whether they u nderstand how much I care about preventing the ASI doom outcom e. Most women atleast on dating apps clearly don't care about any of this, and don't care abo ut understanding that I care ab out it, and have better options available than a half-depresse d person like me. (There's a wh ole cluster of left-leaning wom en and all their pros/cons that I won't even talk about here. That is a longer conversation b est saved elsewhere.)
Question
- Why am I only capable of sw itching off the part of my brai n that instrumentalises other p eople in service of my goals, w hen I am under influence? Ratio nally I can switch off that par t of my brain and tell myself ' youre not in your productive ti me youre in your budgeted fun t ime'. In practice I'm like this is not fun at all, what the fu ck are we doing here? I still f eel emotionally dysregulated as a result of all the insane vib es they are giving off.
Conclu sion
- I am still unsure why I seem incapable of happiness wh ile sober. I think broadly thou gh, the most important experime nt I need to run in the end, is to find a cofounder in SF who actually understands how bad th e situation is and is willing t o work full-time to fix it. (Se e above for more notes on the t ype of person I'm looking for.)
Geopolitical arbitrage
- Thi s plan of wanting to go to SF a nd hunt for a cofounder, is run ning against another heuristic I have, which is that there are only three classes of ambition that actually work. Self-made billionaires, self-made politic ians, and software developers t urned activists who use geopoli tical arbitrage to succeed.
- I am increasingly sympathetic to the third camp.
- Even if I pursue a benign plan like per suasion, I can be more honest a nd fund more radical downstream projects while not living in t he US. This is doubly true if I 'm pursuing more like radical p lans like publishing whistleblo wer guide or writing about assa ssinations and whatnot.
- My ideal would be entire branches of government that run outside the country. (I guess some peop le had a vision that blockchain would run actually judiciaries , which failed, but there might be another way to make it work )
- My second most ideal woul d be run entire media houses ou tside the country, including al l the research, all the intervi ewing and information collectio n, including getting informatio n from whistleblowers and sourc es.
- My third most ideal is doing the kind of half-assed s hit I do right now, which is on e rando with no actual power pu blishing stuff like a whistlebl ower guide or a pgp-encrypted p rotonmail or a few honest opini ons on twitter or their persona l blog.
Conclusion
- **Maybe the actual plan then is that I need to take down my blog, go t o SF, hunt for a cofounder, exp lain to them why I believe so s trongly in geopolitical arbitra ge, and then drag that motherfu cker back to India (or Russia) with me.**
- Holy shit, that's it, right? This is a very impo rtant conclusion and maybe I ne ed to execute it. Hmm, I'll spe nd a day or two thinking about this.
- Can't I just write a l esswrong post and drag some guy here? Maybe I should first wri te the lesswrong post, and only secondly actually go visit. I' m clearly trying to do somethin g that is against the consensus viewpoint on lesswrong. I need to find a "rogue unilateralist " just like myself, who may exi st in this community, but is cl early in a minority opinion. Ye ah so lesswrong post won't work .
- I have to either use cold emails or ideally actually go v isit in person and drag someone with me.
---
2026-02-12
## Update
- See also: [On judgin g people, general version](./on _judging_people_general_version .md)
- I think I just need to experiment with actually keepin g each of my strictly sober fri ends as a roommate for a week o r two, and see if I go progress ively more insane or less insan e if I work alone, but while li ving with them. I have done eno ugh theory, now I need to run t he experiment.
- It is strai ghtforwardly true that almost e veryone's moral intuitions migh t be broken, be it people insid e EA/LW space or people outside . See also: lonely dissent by y udkowsky or Asch's conformity t est or similar. I really do nee d to figure out a bunch of stuf f around morality from scratch. Also I need to figure it out i n relation to an actual plan I wanna work on, be it persuasion or cyberattack or whatever. It can't be in some abstract mora l philosophy sense.
I will quo te the para from the other docu ment verbatim, because it is im portant and I don't wanna lose track of it. It is very easy fo r me to lose track of prioritie s and just engage in more hedon ism yet again (which will proba bly lead to further increasing the list of people I hurt, see below for that). So here it is.
> Priorities
- My first prio rity right now is to go schedul e calls with lots of friends, c reate high bandwidth connection s, interrogate them
- My secon d priority is to figure out som e solution to the substance abu se issue. I don't yet know how hard this will be or how long t his will take. First priority a nd second priority are interlin ked. I would find it easier to stay sober if I had some actual irl friends who were also sobe r, and I didn't think all their moral intuitions were broken, and I was able to actually conn ect with them as people.
- Aft er this I'll think of third pri ority. My guess is I need to fi gure out the morality of cybera ttack thing, and why my intuiti ons run so anti-libertarian des pite many of the people I truly respect being very libertarian -leaning software developers tu rned activists. "If something c auses you pain, look at it, not away."
- Fixing the dating st uff is lower on my priority lis t right now. (But also I do nee d to actually get to it and not postpone it forever. I don't t hink 'dont try to date for the next 2 years' is a great strate gy for me either, because of ma ny first-hand experiences in th e past.)
---
2026-02-09
## U pdate
- I made yet another li st of people I have hurt as a r esult of substance use, and uh ... it is larger than I remembe r.
- The biggest problem is th at this list has been consisten tly growing over the few months , despite me already trying a n umber of different things to fi x. The long run trend is clearl y that I might systematically d estroy all my relationships if I extrapolate this even just an other 6 months or 12 months. Th is is clearly highest priority problem to solve here.
> Other wise I will soon have to take t he nuclear option, which is jus t hard commit to not consuming any substances, temporarily red uce contact with every single p erson in my life who consumes, and possibly even physically sh ift locations so that consuming becomes harder.
- I press th e button. Hard-commitment
- I spoke to a friend and they inde pendently recommendeded this ex act solution that I was already proposing so yeah, let's go, w e are doing this
- I have now taken a flight to their place, to stay a few days and attempt some sort of clean reset.
- (I have confirmed with this fri end that they are fine with me sharing an anonymised account o f this online.)
> I think I ma y be able to atleast somewhat f ix my judgmentalness of other p eople, by actually asking peopl e more questions about their li fe so that I understand them mo re deeply.
- I hard-commit to messaging all my friends and a ctually doing this in the next week
also
- the previous comm itment to do one hobby (either new or old) a week is still on
---
2026-02-08
## Update
- Inability to enjoy social inte ractions without substances see m like the most urgent problem to fix here. I will just force myself to do some new hobbies, and see what happens.
---
202 6-02-08
## Update
- I realis e this post is missing context on what happened in 2021 and 20 22 that made me my mood Above A verage. Here is that context.
- I made close friends for th e first time in my life in 2021 2022.
- I could confide any personal issues with them, for the first time in my life. The y made me feel seen and heard, which hadn't really happened be fore in life for me.
- We ha d a lot of fairly exploratory d iscussions on tech, politics, p hilosophy and similar.
- We also spent a lot of time just c onsuming substances together.
- As described by reasons in th e original post, because I am n ow working full-time on ASI ris k, I seem increasingly disinter ested in either feeling seen an d heard, or in exploratory disc ussions, or in receiving advice .
- I am still atleast mildly interested in just consuming su bstances with people.
- But this is also separately fucking up my life in a couple of ways . The smaller reason is I end u p consuming too frequently and hence wasting my time. The bigg er reason is that even if I onl y consume infrequently, I seem to have tendency to cold DM peo ple with messages they may not actually want. I can't reveal m ore details about this online.
- I find it hard to permanen tly quit finding people to cons ume substances with, because li terally nothing else in life gi ves me much joy anymore.
- S ee also: [Timelock substance us e](./timelock_substance_use.md)
- I think I will try atleas t for some more time to figure out some sort of compromise her e.
- Otherwise I will soon have to take the nuclear option , which is just hard commit to not consuming any substances, t emporarily reduce contact with every single person in my life who consumes, and possibly even physically shift locations so that consuming becomes harder.
- I am still mildly interested in trying out new hobbies.
- I think I will put some more effort into trying out new hobb ies. I have a bunch of track re cord showing that this might go nowhere, but also I think I sh ould ignore all that track reco rd, and try some more regardles s.
- I am still mildly interes ted in finding a (preferably lo ng-term) girlfriend.
- This seems like the type of thing th at could lead to outcomes I can 't forecast in advance. Again, not super optimistic, but I wan na atleast try and see what hap pens.
- Finding a long-term relationship increasingly seems like the type of thing that wi ll be a significant long-term p roject. I'm not sure though, le t's see. Like, I would love if I found the right person overni ght by putting in some delibera te effort, and I do wanna searc h for some easy ways to do so. But also, I should be prepared for this ending up a project th at takes multiple years to solv e.
- I seem to have another coping mechanism associated wit h this, which is illegal and I will therefore talk zero about it online. The solution to this coping mechanism is just, use it a few times and you yourself eventually get reminded how th is is a pointless coping mechan ism you don't actually enjoy on reflection.
- I think I may b e able to atleast somewhat fix my judgmentalness of other peop le, by actually asking people m ore questions about their life so that I understand them more deeply.
- A lot of my judgme ntalness is me guessing what th eir internal monologue is, base d on the actions I see them do. But actually I do seem to gett ing these guesses wrong often, and I have recently gotten a bu nch of evidence showing that. T herefore I should be more cauti ous about making such guesses.
- I could also maybe read mo re psychological literature on groupthink and connection betwe en shame versus judgment and IF S views on groupthink.
- I thi nk my concerns around death anx iety are less around death anxi ety and more around locus of re sponsibility versus control.
- Like, if the only issue was that there was a 15% chance I'm being killed or enslaved tomor row, and there were no other is sues, and there was nothing I c ould do about it, I'd probably eventually accept it. If the on ly issue was there was a 15% ch ance we were all being killed t ogether, and there was nothing I could do about it, I'd probab ly eventually accept it too.
- But, if I believed that I co uld do something important abou t it, and there were only a hun dred people on the entire plane t at best who could do somethin g important as of today, then t he fate of all life on Earth is literally sitting on my head.
- This means that every smal l success or failure could regi ster in my head as a big source of happiness or suffering. Eve ry month of my life I waste con suming substances or something equally stupid means the same.
- I don't think I should lie to myself about this. It is ac tually literally true that ther e's a decent chance that the fa te of all life on Earth is lite rally sitting on my head.
- I am not very humble. I do stil l straightforwardly think I can get more done here than most o f the other people in EA/LW spa ces. If this guess turns out wr ong, we will see. But right now I am making confident guess I am among the top 100 people on Earth as of 2026 in terms of my potential to fix ASI risk. I a m claiming this even though a l ot of people in EA/LW spaces ha ve more power than me, to inves t into whatever plan they want. Having more power doesn't help if you're investing it in the wrong plan or action. I expect more people to keep entering th is space every year, so I don't know if I will remaining in th e top 100 in future.
- Maybe there is some way to believe t his truth, but also stay more d etached from outcomes of indivi dual experiments. I don't know actually know if this can be do ne or not, I'm suggesting rando m ideas.
- I am becoming sligh tly more okay with steep diffic ulty curve and having to pivot a lot. I don't think this is th e biggest problem here.
- Li ke, I am starting to accept tha t yes actually, the problem I'm trying to solve is really hard , and many others have historic ally tried a variety of solutio ns similar enough to mine. Ther efore, fixing the problem is go ing to involve a lot more small experiments, a lot more pivoti ng, etc.
- This is easier sa id than done, but the answer se ems basically avoid emotionally investing too much into any sp ecific solution?
- I definite ly think the stuff around moral ity and zero-sum conflict is im portant.
- Atleast some of m y unhappiness is very directly coming from the fact that I end orse a bunch of solutions that part of me considers not very m oral, but part of me considers necessary.
- This seems like a real hard problem and I don' t immediately have ideas for ho w to fix.
- I am still extreme ly interested in finding a way to leave India atleast for a fe w months.
- I have to test t his out in-person, before eithe r selecting or eliminating it. There is literally no other opt ion.
---
2026-02-07
## Updat e
- See also: [I am learning fast actually](./I_am_learning_ fast_actually.md)
---
2026-01 -29
## Update
- Multiple peo ple have told me that I seem to have a low baseline level of h appiness, even if I ignore all external circumstances or my re sponse to them.
- This is tr ue.
- I have not been happy most of my life. I scored mediu m to low on Emotional Stability (aka Neuroticism) on OCEAN bac k in teenage and I still score the same now.
- However, sim ply knowing this doesn't give m e a solution.
- Also, I have been happier in years 2022 and 2023, so I tend to hope that s hould be repeatable.
---
2026 -01-05
## Update
I'm impresse d by the advice AI gave me. I d on't yet know if it will work, but it is worth a shot.
[Link to my conversation with AI](htt ps://chatgpt.com/share/695ac381 -0754-8011-9859-3dc46cec1fe2)
Let me reinterpret what the AI is saying:
- Quick positive fe edback that you are moving towa rds your goal, will give you so me happiness.
- My high-level goal is structurally one that h as poor feedback loops if you w ork on it.
- Even if I work on specific projects with tighter feedback loops (like "did this youtube video get likes", or " did this whistleblower guide ge t read by the relevant decision maker"), there are a few probl ems
- the tighter feedback o n the project is only loosely c onnected to the final impact yo u care about. Just because your video got N likes doesn't guar antee the world didn't end.
- some projects are structurall y unlikely to get feedback. It is expected that most AI employ ees who read a whistleblower gu ide will not act on it immediat ely or give you any feedback ab out it.
- an actual metric I care about that I could be tra cking, is how much have I learn ed every week or month, even if it means learning from failure on specific projects.
Maybe t omorrow I will sit and explicit ly make a list: Month-by-month, over the last 6 months, what d id I learn each month? Because everything is documented on my website, I should actually be a ble to track this.
---
2026-0 1-04
## Update
Something abou t this whole post makes me feel uncomfortable now. I do think most of the the statements in t he post are still true (so the problem is not that some of it is wrong and in need of updatin g).
My guesses for what makes me uncomfortable:
- Mildly wor ried about it being self-fulfil ling. I might have a good day, then come back and read the pos t and remember, "oh right the l ongrun trend is still unhappine ss and here's why, who cares ab out today being a good day, it won't last anyway".
- That b eing said, I have also previous ly spent many months trying to just lowkey delude myself into thinking my unhappiness is temp orary and will eventually get f ixed. Writing this post is part ly me being honest with myself, that no actually, my unhappine ss is a longrun trend and most quick fixes I put my hope into aren't working at all.
- High likelihood that I haven't 100% accurately diagnosed the source of my unhappiness. It's possib le I've diagnosed it 90% but no t 100%, and continuously readin g this post might prevent me fr om accurately diagnosing it.
- For example, an alternate hy pothesis I today have for why I 'm unhappy is not loneliness, b ut a sort of attention mechanis m. Most people around me don't care about AI risk, and even *p arts of me* don't care about AI risk, they care about normal a ss concerns like finding a girl friend and consuming substances with new people. Some part of me does resonate with my friend s. Unhappiness might be a way f or the parts of me that care ab out AI risk to bully the other parts into submission - "actual ly you do care about AI risk mo re than all this, you have to w orry about achieving long-term goals for your long-term satisf action, and some short-term unh appiness is worth it in order t o get there". If I spend too lo ng away from working on AI risk , the unhappiness kicks in and refocuses me back to working on AI risk. It's entirely possibl e that if I did not have this m echanism going on, I would not have been able to spend the las t 6 months of my life consisten tly working on AI risk (and get ting my ass kicked btw, working on it doesn't mean succeeding, although the learnings alone m ake it worth it).
- Lol wait did I just diagnose it correct ly? It also explains why I want to spend only limited amount o f time hanging out with people who don't care about AI risk. I dk, I'll think about it, and if this explanation still resonat es with me some months later, I 'll accept it as likely correct .
---
2026-01-03
## Update
I realised haven't written much about hobbies / shared activit ies as a potential solution to unhappiness. Will try some hobb ies out more, and report back h ow it went, after some months.
---
2025-11-24
# Unhappiness since 2023
Disclaimer
- Quic k Note
- Contains politically sensitive info
## Summary
- I have been unhappy since 2023, and expect to be unhappy in 20 26 too.
- My best theory for w hy is as follows: Me and people like me want power to fix AI r isk. Peace between powerseeking actors can only be brokered at gunpoint. There is currently n o stable ideology or political system that can broker this pea ce. Therefore our civilisation seems atleast somewhat fucked a t a result. I am neither on tra ck to fixing the world, nor hav ing amazing relationships. Henc e I am unhappy.
## Am I happy?
- Definition: I would consid er my mood as Above Average, if I reported my mood as Above Av erage on a majority of days in a period of two weeks.
- I was Above Average for most of 2021 and 2022.
- I was Below Avera ge for most of 2023, 2024 and 2 025.
- I expect to continue to be below average in 2026 as we ll. I have basically given up o n finding solutions to this in the next few months, and this p ost is to summarise why.
## So urces of unhappiness (Summarise d)
- I was dealing with some interpersonal conflict in 2023 and early 2024. This is now mos tly resolved. To protect privac y of people involved in this co nflict, I will not talk any mor e about this problem on the pub lic internet.
- I think the wo rld might be ending due to supe rintelligence coming to Earth. I think I need to help fix this problem for the world. Most of my unhappiness today appears t o be downstream of this.
## So lutions to my unhappiness (Summ arised)
- I plan to leave Ind ia within next 12 months.
- I want to spend more in-person time with people who care about AI risk enough that they have restructured the rest of their life to work on it.
- Online calls I currently do are not s ufficient, and in-person time w ould help.
- I also publish my writings and content online, s o that people who are ideologic ally aligned with me can reach out.
- It is possible I need to get better at becoming more persuasive, so I can find more allies.
- I don't currently consider most people working o n AI risk to be my allies, as t hey are not willing to actively engage in conflict against AI companies.
- I understand even doing all of this probably won 't fully fix my unhappiness.
- Deep down I have basically j ust given up on trying to be ha ppy. At an intellectual level I have accepted that I will cont inue to be unhappy for all of 2 026 at the very least.
- Unles s I become clinically depressed I am unlikely to change my pat h.
- If I were to become cli nically depressed, I can imagin e spending multipe years trying to fix my unhappiness.
- I am currently okay spending a fe w weeks on experimental solutio ns to my unhappiness, but I am not okay spending multiple mont hs on them, as this would take time away from my current plans to fix AI risk.
## Why does A I risk cause me unhappiness? (D etailed)
0. Culture war stuff not directly related to AI risk
- I am openly in disagreemen t with lots of people and ideol ogies around me.
- Many people around me correctly realise th at a maximally successful Samue l means the total obliteration of their religion or ideology f rom planet Earth. They correctl y decide that it would be good in their eyes for me to fail at my life plans.
- I typically ignore such people, and don't s pend too much time with them. M uch as I would like to remove b ad ideologies from this world, I think fixing AI risk is a hig her priority, so I don't let it distract me too much.
- If I were to publicly get into confl ict with any ideology, I would mostly use speech, and social a nd financial incentives. I woul d probably not resort to violen ce.
- I think most of the suff ering I see around me on a day- to-day basis is due to bad reli gions and ideologies. I am upse t by the fact that I can't spen d my time eradicating them, and have to spend my time fixing A I risk instead.
- I have somew hat gotten over this sadness, a nd I have buried the rest of it for later. If I want revenge, I understand I need to play the longterm game not the shortter m game.
- I have personally be en hurt by people following wha t I think are bad ideologies, a nd I desire revenge. I think th e best revenge in this case is not go to hurt anyone specifica lly, but to eliminate the ideol ogy that inspired these people to hurt me. (I can't elaborate more directly about this, on th e public internet)
1. Loneline ss
- I feel increasingly disco nnected from anyone who does no t care about AI risk.
- I st ill care about them as people, but there is little of value th ey can offer to me. Their advic e is mostly not helpful, and th eir willingness to listen to me emotionally is also mostly not helpful beyond a point. After being listened to a few times, I ultimately want advice, and n obody has good advice because n obody around me is working on A I risk full-time.
- I don't want to spend too much time doi ng fun activities. This also re duces how much time I want to s pend with most people.
- (I currently spend one day a week off work, usually with people, and all nights off work, usuall y alone.)
- Because they hav e little value to offer me, and I also have limits on how much time I want to spend offering them value, the result is we do n't spend that much time togeth er.
- I am able to relate to [Evernote CEO Phil Libin's adv ice](https://www.ycombinator.co m/blog/prerequisites-for-starti ng-a-company-phil-libin/). He s ays you have a limited number o f close friend slots in your li fe, and your biggest bottleneck to achieving great outcomes is finding great people to work w ith. Therefore don't even bothe r to make close friendship with someone you can't start a comp any with.
- I am currently n ot willing to go as far as Libi n, but I get where he is coming from.
- All my relationships come with terms and conditions attached.
- I value acquirin g power to fix AI risk, more th an I value any of my relationsh ips. For example, if I support cyberattacks against AI compani es, I will continue to support this even if most of my friends distance from me for doing so. If I support a hunger strike a nd do this, I will continue to do this even if most of my frie nds distance from for doing so.
- In practice, often a lot of people have preserved their friendships with me *without* a ctually agreeing with my opinio ns. I have realised most people are neither friends nor enemie s, they just don't care. Actual ly caring about anything is in short supply in this world.
- This is better than I hoped b ut not ideal. I want to spend m ost of my time with people who agree with me, so that we can a ctually fight this problem toge ther. I would rather have a few close allies than lots of peop le who tolerate me. (Obviously the ideal is to have both.)
- I am consistently on guard th at I should be prepared to lose all my relationships, and keep fighting regardless. This redu ces the quality of my relations hips even while I still have th em.
- I am always looking fo r reciprocity in professional c onnections. If someone asks too much of my time and can offer nothing in return, I will proba bly cut them off. (If they ask a little time, it is okay.) I h ave understood professional con nections are hence even more em otionally hollow than friendshi ps, atleast in initial stages. Eventually you can work togethe r enough to the point where you 're willing to tolerate more im balance in who is helping who h ow much.
- I deeply analysed what type of partner I am look ing to marry. You can read my [ date me](./date_me.md) document for more. I realised that many of my non-negotiable beliefs e ssentially come from wanting to fix AI risk, or wanting to acq uire knowledge and power above all else.
- Maybe this is ok , but I need to put in more wor k if I want to find someone to date. Obviously being chronical ly unhappy is a major impedimen t to finding a partner.
2. Dea th anxiety
- I have partly bu t not fully internalised the fa ct that I am going to die.
- I think doing the 18 day hung er strike was the closest I eve r came to fully internalising h ow bad the situation really is.
- I think fully internalis ing it will make even more angr y than I already am, and even m ore of a war monger than I alre ady am. (And I already support cyberattacks and publicly humil iation of senior people at AI c ompanies, so you can only imagi ne what being even more of a wa rmonger would be.)
- I think if people around me also intern alised their fear of death due to AI risk, that would make it easier for me to also internali se my own fear.
- Instead I find that most people around m e don't care, which is disorien ting.
- Emotions are social , humans are very hard-wired to copy the emotional expressions of those around them.
- I want to live around people who are also suffering and afraid d ue to AI risk. This will make m e feel more normal when I feel afraid.
3. Steep difficulty cu rve
- Trying to do something a s big as opposing the US govt a nd the AI companies, comes with a steep difficulty curve.
- O ver the last few months, I had to go down a number of failed s trategies, then backtrack and p ivot.
- I looked into starti ng a new ideology to fix AI ris k, but then realised this plan will fail as it will take longe r than 5 years.
- I briefly looked into becoming a hacker m yself, but realised how hard th is will be (unless I get AI to write most of the code for the exploits, instead of me writing it).
- I looked into giving advice or collaborating with o ther content creators online, b ut then realised it is better t o make content myself. I am sti ll figuring out how to git gud at making content on youtube ar ound AI risk.
- Obviously this causes a bunch of unhappiness. I am okay with this, and I hav e scaled steep difficulty curve s before. (Cracking JEE, making money in crypto startups, etc. ) None of those were as steep a s this one, and even doing thos e had phases that sucked.
4. Z ero-sum conflict
- I spend mo st of my time thinking about ze ro-sum conflict that will activ ely cause suffering to people i nside AI companies and the US g ovt.
- This is not my biggest problem. But I can see why work ing on a more positive-sum proj ect could make me more happy on a day-to-day basis.
5. I don' t love my job
- I love philos ophing all day. (If you see how long this post is, you probabl y already get it.)
- I don't l ove most actual work. I think s ocial media channel is possibly highest impact thing you can p ossibly do for AI risk. But I d on't enjoy working on social me dia channel that much.
## Whic h of these is most important?
Definitely the loneliness is by far the biggest problem, out o f all the problems listed above . If I had that fixed, I could probably tolerate everything el se.
## Possibly successful sol utions
- I have gained atleas t some value from deeper theori sing about how politics works.
- I have written atleast 10 pages of thought experiments wh ere I would defect against my p erfect clones. For example, ima gine that me and my clone were put in a room with an ASI waiti ng to be controlled, and only o ne of us could control it. Imag ine though that we were not 100 % sure the other person was a p erfect clone. We would probably have a fist fight to the death immediately, and not even try to coordinate with each other.
- I have understood at a ver y deep level that peace between powerseeking actors can only b e brokered at gunpoint. There i s no such thing as absolute tru st between such people.
- He nce you have to use incentives.
- If you want to change d irection of US govt, create inc entives against it by protestin g against them, wielding politi cal power against them, owning guns and so on.
- If you w ant people in the pause AI move ment to work together in any fa shion, create incentives so tha t they gain more power by worki ng together than separately.
- If you want the fight for power over ASI or human genetic engineering to not eliminate l ove from this world, create a n ew political system that can en force this at gunpoint. Markets and democracy are probably goi ng to fail here.
- I have re alised Moloch is not that actua lly that complicated.
- Hu man values are just love (White Green) and power (Red Blue Bla ck).
- One person or syste m prioritises acquiring power a nd then people in their care ca n prioritise love instead. This is how capitalism and democrac y work, and this is also how ma ny of the political regime chan ges and wars that I like have w orked. If you are a great leade r, you ideally want to be someo ne who mostly values power, but also values love a little.
- I recently categorised all po litical ideologies in MtG colou r wheel, and then categorised m any of my friends, acquaintance s and online bloggers on this w heel. It was eye-opening, and g ives me better ideas on how to communicate better with them.
- I have analysed a lot of hi storical examples via such lens es, be it world war 1 and 2, or the cold war, or british colon isation of the world, or the ri se of soviet union, and so on. I have written a bit about thes e topics, but a lot of it I hav en't written yet.
- I will p robably do more such theorising in future, and also learn to g et better at communicating my i deas. I probably won't do it fu ll-time though, but will spend atleast a few hours per week on it.
- **Does anyone recomme nd I become a political philoso pher full-time?**
- If I w ant to find stronger allies, I can see how such writings may h elp.
- But also, this feel s like a very indirect route, a nd takes time away from the dir ect route which is activating p eople to share, vote, protest, etc directly.
- Some impor tant aspects of what make a bel ief system coherent and resista nt to attack, can only be learn ed via practice not theory. Als o why I am not keen on becoming someone who only does theory a nd no practice.
## Failed solu tions
- Therapy
- I did le arn a bit of useful stuff from therapy, especially around deal ing with interpersonal conflict .
- I did not really learn t o fix any of my core problems a round AI risk.
- I think the rapists are more willing to acc ept problems, as opposed to wag e war against them. A lot of wh at they teach are coping strate gies not fighting strategies.
- This is also why I think mo st therapists follow a deontolo gical code of non-violence. I a m not that non-violent.
- To put it in the language of MtG colour wheel, therapists are Gr een and I am Black.
- SSRIs
- I have used SSRIs some years back. I doubt they can fix my problems right now. I have a re asonably deep understanding of all the problems I have listed, and hence I don't think a chem ical imbalance alone is the big gest issue.
- SSRIs have dow nsides I have personally experi enced some years back. Hence I am also more hesitant to try th em again.
- Meditation
- I spent a few months regularly me ditating 30 min a day.
- I d on't have any outside view evid ence to show this helped at all .
- I have a constant stream of thought running from when I wake up to when I sleep. I don 't think meditation actually sl owed or stopped this thought st ream.
- Some people said I a m meditating the wrong way, and there is some Advanced Techniq ue (TM) that they know that I n eed to learn. I don't really se e great outside view evidence t o suggest I should spend anothe r few months trying it out.
- I know a few ambitious people like Ray Dalio and Naval Ravik ant who speak highly of meditat ion. This is the strongest data point for me to try it again.
- Practioners of meditation a lso typically seem to me to be people who accept reality (Gree n) instead of fight it (Black). Buddhism is explicitly in this direction. I don't think I am capable of accepting reality of AI risk and doing nothing to f ight it. Hence I want nothing t o do with this ideological clus ter.
- Diet, sleep, exercise, sunlight
- I have consistent ly maintained these for many mo nths. This didn't fix my unhapp iness. Although yes, maintain b asics allows me to have decent productive output despite being unhappy.
- Changing location
- I lived in Kohima for a fe w months. I am now living in Ba ngalore for a few months. I hav e lived in Delhi previously. I also spent a couple months livi ng in Bangkok and Ho Cho Minh C ity.
- I think living in a m ajor city where I have a few fr iends is best for me. I would l ike to live in SF for atleast a few months to check it out.
- None of the places actually made me happy. I definitely put some effort into making local friends in each of the places. I have friends where I currentl y live.
- Changing romantic re lationship
- I have been in one relationship in 2024. It wa s by far one of the best experi ences of my life, and I learned a lot.
- We have broken up for reasons I don't wanna discu ss on the public internet, to p rotect her privacy.
- This e xperience is partly what prompt ed me to think more deeply abou t who I want to date next.
- I am not very optimistic on a relationship fixing any of the major sources of unhappiness li sted above. Maybe it could help a bit though, so I am still op en to it.
- There is a lot o f outside view evidence suggest ing that a relationship can't f ix life problems as big as the ones I listed above.
- Obvio usly I will even break up with my partner, if I find her activ ely opposed to my career plans on AI risk. Hence I might have to be on guard even against her , atleast for the few months, a nd worst case for the rest of m y life.
- Probably this is o kay. The types of major ideolog ical changes that cause people to breakup typically happen ove r time periods of greater than five years, and having a good r elationship that gets broken af ter 5 years, is okay. Not ideal ofcourse, and it is worth pre- emptively figuring out how to a void this, but worst case if th is happens, this seems acceptab le. This is just me theorising.
- I have read about example s of religious differences in a marriage, and have personal ex periences around this. I could write a longer post some other day but the short version is ju st, yeah it sucks if either of the partners prioritise their i deology above their love for th eir partner.
- Changing friend ships and work collaborators
- I have tried changing friend ships a lot. Finding people who care about AI risk, finding pe ople who don't care about AI ri sk, finding people into tech, f inding people into history and politics, finding people who ca re a lot about me, finding peop le who don't necessarily care t hat much about me but offer goo d advice, etc.
- I can't obv iously publish a list of all my friends here, but I can say th at no permutation or combinatio n really fixed my unhappiness o r even changed it all that much .
- I can say that trying to isolate from people was a bad idea (I tried this too). It is better to have a few people aro und even if you don't talk very frequently.
text_english/personal/main /titanic_is_one_of_the_most_bea utiful_movies_ever.md 000644 000765 000 024 00000002301 15210623571 03 1313 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-06-06
# Titanic is one of the most beautiful movies ever
Disclaim er
- personal
- target audien ce - friends, acquaintances
Ma in
- I don't know if I have a movie list on my site yet, prob ably a very old one. But yeah j ust got reminded by a youtube c lip.
- It's sad actually, sacr ificing yourself for someone yo u love. Also how free they feel , I know it is acting, but stil l. I like people like the latte r.
Side Note
- It is sad that sometimes the very things I co nsider make the world a beautif ul place are things I find myse lf locally fighting against.
- “Hard times create strong me n. Strong men create good times . Good times create weak men. A nd, weak men create hard times. ”
- "I must study politics a nd war that my sons may have li berty to study mathematics and philosophy."
- It is this thin g lol. For there to exist peopl e who can live and love this fr eely, you also need warriors an d great political leaders to de fend their interests.
- Like, at a local level, my message to people around me is basically - drop your loved ones, drop yo ur pleasures, drop everything a nd wage this fucking war with m e. But, at a global level, love is beautiful, why would I ever want less of that to exist?
text_english/personal/ma in/reaction_rant_to_jacob_falco vich_on_resentment.md 000644 000765 0 00024 00000005724 15246547614 030771 0 ustar 00samuel staff 00000 0 000000 2026-09- 04
# Reaction rant to Jacob Fa lcovich on resentment
Disclaim er
- personal
- target audien ce - strictly myself
- My mind sim of Jacob says he will prob ably be fine with me writing th is post. If he wants it taken d own, I apologise, and will take it down.
- Jacob Falcovich ha s joined the mass murderers wor king at the frontier AI compani es, and this does cause me to d ownweight his advice. I still t hink it is non-zero useful.
Ma in
- [Link to Jacob's post](ht tps://www.secondperson.dating/p /opposite-of-resentment)
- I d on't actually relate that much to the specific examples of res entment in the post. That okay women have it easier than men o r whatever.
- I have a very sy mmetric sort of resentment that applies just as strongly to me n as to women. I have a burning passionate hatred for society itself. The kind of hatred I co uld pour into architecting a ge nocide for 5 years and then at the end be like, these people h ave not suffered enough, they s hould suffer **even more.**
- "Resentment" feels like far too light a word for what I feel. Even "rage" feels too light.
- I think people like Sam Altman and Peter Thiel can deep down relate to this emotion I feel, atleast a little bit. Just this deep dissatisfaction with real ity, but you also know that tel ling people about this is a mov e with bad consequences (and is hence a dumb move). And you sp end 10 years searching for bett er moves until you are the guy at the top.
- It's like, in my head, most of society has alre ady been vaporised. You are all just machines I need to tweak to get the outcomes I want. You r instrumental value to me domi nates any terminal moral value you may have. You are sheep rea dy for the slaughter. You are m onkeys to be sold to the highes t bidder. You are fuel for the machine.
- Most of society is already vaporised in my head, a ctually vaporising them in real life is just implementation of something that has already bee n done. There is the psychologi cal/spiritual war and then ther e is the material war on the gr ound. Once you have won the spi ritual war, the rest is just ex ecution. "The hard thing about doing hard things is managing y our psychology." - Ben Horowitz
Main 2
- Coming back to the dating context. Yeah I just don 't intellectually respect most people that much. And if I don' t respect you, you are just som e idiot to have sex with, and I don't care about having sex wi th you that badly. I do care bu t it conflicts with the utter c ontempt I otherwise feel for yo u, and you can probably sense t hat.
- I need to be in an envi ronment with people I actually respect, people with actual lif e missions. That is when dating is likely to make sense for me . Until then it just feels like whatever, emotionally speaking .
- I am capable of appreciati ng parts of people even if I do n't intellectually respect them . I have examples of this. But this is like, again, people to practice being with or whatever , none of this feels ideal, eve n though it might be ... okay.
Main 3
- I just wish the pain would stop.
text_ english/personal/main/maybe_I_a m_better_at_dating_people_who_a re_more_present_focussed.md 000644 000765 000024 00000 015472 15206642542 034442 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-05-31
## Updat e
- See also: ["Actually agre e" versus "agree to disagree ye t accept" versus "do not accept "](./actually_agree_versus_agre e_to_disagree_yet_accept_versus _do_not_accept.md)
- epsilon- shifted gamma-shifted clones ar e type-1, present-focussed peop le are a subset of type-2
2026 -05-30
# Maybe I am better at dating people who are more pres ent-focussed, and dating epsilo n-shifted clones
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- People often do things to satisfy ver y-short-term goals or short-ter m goals or long-term goals.
- Example of very-short-term go al-oriented behaviour: I visite d a flower bed because I like f lowers.
- Example of short-t erm goal-oriented behaviour: I am asking people for advice so that I can shift cities in a fe w months.
- Example of long- term goal-oriented behaviour: I am going to do corporate job f or 10 years to buy a large hous e.
- Imagine 3 different women doing each of the 3 different things above.
- My judgement o f them:
- first one: amazing , can I join?
- second one: sure, this might make sense, al though it depends why you are s hifting in the first place
- third one: this is obviously s tupid, the Singularity may be h ere before you buy your damn ho use, you are wasting away your entire life for something that does not matter
- To be clear, actually having them work full time on ASI risk is still an ev en better move. But like, "I am going to visit a flowerbed" do esn't invoke "what the fuck are you doing with your life?" fee lings from me the way "I am doi ng job for 10 years to buy a ho use" invokes.
- To be clear, m aybe it is still possible to be together even if you think the other person's long-term goals are stupid. You'll just end up with something like "let's agr ee to not talk about it" on tho se topics, or you'll fake liste ning to them complain their pro blems.
- **I don't know how to listen to people's problems wh en I think those problems are d ownstream of a fundamentally st upid worldview.** - important
- Like, I can *understand* wher e there are coming from, doesn' t mean I am interesting in hear ing it. I can listen to it once or twice, that is fine, but if it gets repetitive, I'm out.
- It again comes back to the gr owth mindset thing. I have low tolerance for lack of growth mi ndset in myself or others. If y our worldview is fundamentally stupid, the correct thing to do is to update your worldview, a nything else feels *wrong* to m e.
- Shared experiences of suf fering bond people a lot, but o nly if the long-term goals they are suffering for are also sha red or atleast relatable to the other person.
Side notes
- P robably this is not an issue ju st for me. In general if two pe ople have very different long-t erm goals, there is significant probability they both think th e other person's long-term goal s are stupid. However they coul d still have plenty of short-te rm goals in common, or things t hey can atleast relate to.
- L mao I wonder if Richard W Hammi ng realised any of this shit, w hen he proposed his criteria.
Main 2
- I don't know, I think there is a frontier of long-te rm goals I respect, and a front ier of long-term goals I do not respect.
- It's like, imagine I could clone myself with a ra ndom epsilon error 1000 times a nd split work amongst them. Wha t would all my clones be doing? Assume my clones had very high level of trust in each other, and could coordinate really wel l.
- I think many of my clones would just be working on AI pa use to be honest. Maybe a few w ould just be slow travelling fu lltime and making new friends / dating new people. A few clone s would work on human genetic e ngg ethics. A few clones would work on human genetic engg tech nical stuff. A few clones would work on solar. There will be t hat one random clone who just d o something crazy like become a musician or some shit. Definit ely atleast some of my clones w ill commit suicide due to menta l health issues, or drug overdo se, or similar. I can even imag ine some of my clones doing stu ff like becoming a therapist. M aybe one clone does the whole e arn-to-give shit.
- If my part ner is working on a long-term g oal that atleast one of my 1000 epsilon-shifted clones would b e working on, then I am lot mor e likely to respect my partner' s long-term goals, and really w ant to listen to their sufferin g and so on.
- I don't know, I think Paul Graham's "How to do great work" is relevant here. I'm fairly confident atleast ha lf of my clones will eventually converge on something similar to this, although each clone's ideas of what counts as "great work" might differ significantl y.
Main 3
- This also explain s why I am able to listen to pr oblems of middle / lower-middle class, but have zero interest in listening to problems of peo ple of my own upper-middle / lo wer-upper class. For someone in middle class, it **makes sense ** for them to just work hard o n some job and get some savings first. This is a rational move . If my epsilon-shifted clones were born in the middle class i t seems plausible they would be doing similar stuff too.
Side note
- I am actually excited that I have written up this not e lol. It feels so true, and ye t I can see this as being genui ne intellectual progress on thi s problem (which value transiti ons can relationships tolerate) as opposed to neurotic anxious theorising from a place of des peration/unhappiness.
Holy shi t wait I got an insight
- Lol I need to actually draw a figur e for this. Or I will try descr ibing it in words here.
- Imag ine there is a a decision tree of all possible sequences of li fe decisions. The tree has a ve ry high branch factor.
- Imagi ne one epsilon-shifted clone ha s taken the path `A -> B -> C - > X`, and imagine another clone has taken the path `A -> B -> C -> P -> R`.
- Now if the sec ond clone is put into the first clone's shoes, will they conti nue `A -> B -> C -> X -> Z` or will they do `A -> B -> C -> X -> undo-X -> P`? Basically from the point of view of the secon d clone, is X advantageous just in a different way from P, or is X so disadvantageous compare d to other options. that it is worth spending even more attent ion/capital to undo it.
- If y ou have 1000 epsilon-shifted cl ones coordinating with each oth er and traversing this search s pace, it is possible for one cl one to traverse `A -> B -> C -> X` and for another to traverse `A -> B -> C -> P -> R`, and f or both clones to respect each others' decisions, because ther e is no consensus on which path is optimal, both clones are op erating at the frontiers of kno wledge / new life trajectories.
- Ugh okay fine this is very theoretical, but I can also giv e real world examples. Not now, tired now.
P.S. Epsilon is ra ndom error, but I also need to another factor, let's say gamma , for the difference in genetic s + culture for being born as a woman. Like, men are more inte rested in things, women are mor e interested in people, and all of that. I wish I understood t his difference better to be hon est.
text_english/ personal/main/my_values_seem_to _be_honesty_and_violence.md 000644 000765 000024 00000015777 1 5177753505 030001 0 usta r 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-11
minor edit 2026- 03-12
# My values seem to be h onesty and violence
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- **Contain s politically sensitive info**
- Speaking aloud. May not endo rse this after lot of thought
- target audience - strictly my self
Main
- quoting this agai n from [previous document](./ye t_another_dump_of_confusion_aro und_my_morality.md):
> Are you willing to kill your friends i f you knew for a fact that doin g so would save billions of liv es including your own? Would yo u be willing to kill AI company CEOs if they were your friends ?
- See also: [Naval Ravikant on ethics, self-esteem and bei ng long-term greedy](https://na v.al/intelligence-energy-integr ity)
- I actually buy this sta tement:
> If somebody screws o ver an enemy, and is vindictive towards them, well it’s only a matter of time before they r edefine you from friend to enem y, and you feel their wrath. So , angry, outraged, vindictive, short-term thinking people are essentially that way in many in teractions in real life.
> Peo ple are oddly consistent. That s one of the things you learn about them. So, you want to fi nd long-term people. You want t o find people who seem irration ally ethical.
- If today, I a m considering assassinating AI company CEOs as a plan, tomorro w I will also consider assassin ating my friends, if they becam e AI company CEOs.
- If today, I am considering leaking info about AI company CEOs to make t hem look bad, tomorrow I will a lso consider leaking info about my friends to make them look b ad, if they became AI company C EOs.
- And like, this seems st raightforwardly true? My first loyalty is to my ideology, it i s not to any person in this wor ld. Why does this make me feel uncomfortable if it is true?
- Why do I find it easier to emp athise with people running the AI companies, than I find it ea sy to empathise with most norma l people? This is definitely an important part of why this mak es me uncomfortable. Maybe not most important, but atleast som ewhat important.
- Intrinsical ly I still seem to care atleast a bit about fairness and symme try. Rationally, I think the on ly thing that matters is Might makes Right. Technological offe nce-defence balances shape ever ything, not human feelings.
- It is true that there is no e fficient market for life strate gies. Just because I don't cybe rattack, doesn't make it inevit able that someone else will.
- This is not the core part of the issue. Fairness would mean some people deserve to be atta cked, and others don't deserve it.
- What I instrinsically feel is that nobody deserves to be attacked. But I am not sure you can win a zero-sum politic al battle this way.
- What a re even the fair rules for warf are? Lmao. The other side has b roken all the rules already. Wh y should I be a chump who follo ws all the rules?
- Most of the people around who follow ru les seem incredibly naive. Espe cially those who follow the law , and not even some internal mo ral code. An internal moral cod e I atleast seem to have more r espect for. People following th e law are the biggest losers.
- **Honestly I think I should s chedule calls with some of my f riends and ask them this.**
- Why is there so much ambient ha te in my socioeconomic class, f or the upper class? Why is it c onsidered so acceptable to hurt the upper class (for instrumen tal political reasons), but not acceptable to hurt members of your own class (for the same re asons). My intuitions seem to d iffer from other people atleast a little here.
- I love the u pper class. Truly, I do. Like, they make a lot of bad decision s, sure, but I still like a lot of them as people.
- They thi nk about things a lot more deep ly than the average person, and for that I respect them. That is what Actually Trying looks l ike. Most people in my class ar e losers who aren't Actually Tr ying to do anything of value wi th their life.
- Ugh, I wish N aval would write something of v alue aimed at actual politician s. "High-integrity politics is not possible" is such a lame be lief. I mean, I would be very s urprised if it was true.
reda ction
- Let's imagine I applie d the same redaction policy to my friends:
- I would leak i nfo about them breaking democra tic safeguards
- I would lea k info about them committing pe rsonal abuse (such as rape)
- I would leak info about them bribing or threatening media ho uses (i.e. more of their friend s) to stay quiet about what the y are doing
- I would leak i nfo about them supporting human extinction
- I find this hard to imagine because most of my friends have no actual power, a nd no one (often not even me) g ives a flying shit what their o pinions are. Who cares if one o f my friends supports extinctio n.
- I guess yeah, opinions no body cares about, but what abou t actions? What if they were ac tively working on bioweapons? W ould I leak that? What if they were building ASI? Would I leak that?
- Why does "ASI" still have positive vibes associated in discourse, as compared to bi oweapons? Why do nuclear weapon s have more neutral vibes? Like , if one of my friends was work ing on nuclear research, it's j ust assumed that is neutral vib es.
- Or maybe I just associat ed neutral vibes, because I kno w how boring nuclear research a ctually is. I'm sure some peopl e consider that scary too.
- A ctually to be blunt, if one of my friends was running a secret ASI project, yes I would leak that to the public, and be prep ared for a fight with them beca use I know it's coming.
update
- ran this against the disagr eements app - will write longer criticisms later, but short ve rsion is just:
- Holy fuck I am not the only one confused a bout morality, almost everyone I listed is confused about mora lity. Almost everyone thinking deeply agrees that morality is confusing.
- A lot of people in the app are pro-Englightenm ent or pro-free speech or pro-r ule of law etc, and hence seem to have inclincations against e ven one-off moves that break th ese.
- As I predicted, getti ng on a moral high ground (like stallman) gets you more people power but less hard power, and willing to compromise more (li ke assange) actually gets more hard power. I have to remind my self that nearly everyone on th is list ultimately failed at bi g picture goals like ensure US IC is accountable, or reduce in equality (lol, lmao), or whatev er other big goal they started out.
- Getting on a moral hi gh ground also makes you feel b etter about yourself, but only a couple of people like Naval o r PG have actual evidence to sh ow that this gets you hard powe r.
- **I need to add more po liticians to this list of peopl e in the disagreements app.**
- Otto van Bismarck's review is atleast honest about the soc ial costs of thinking like a po litician, before you have actua l politician-level power.
- **A lot of these bloggers are n ot explicitly calculating socia l / legitimacy costs atleast in their public writing.** They d on't explicitly say things like , if I do action X, I'll get so cial pushback but more hard pow er, but if I do action Y, I'll get more social support but les s hard power.
- **Very impor tant - I need more access to in side-view thinking of politicia ns, not the public face they pr esent.**
personal/main/how_muc h_should_I_anonymise_info_about _other_people_on_my_personal_we bsite.md 000644 000765 000024 00000014016 152002601 27 036534 0 ustar 00samu el sta ff 00 0000 000000 text_english 2026- 05-11
## Update
- In practic e, what I seem to be doing so f ar is only lightly anonymising. This means a few google or AI searches won't be able to find out who I talk to or meet with. But a private investigator put ting sufficient effort will pro bably be able to find this out, and a govt investigation putti ng sufficient effort will defin itely be able to find this out.
---
2026-02-09
minor update 2026-03-29
# How much should I anonymise info about other pe ople on my personal website?
D isclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- Wrote this to solicit quick inp ut from others, on what they th ink
Main
- I am experimenting with sharing atleast some part s of my personal life online to o, on this blog.
- An issue I consistently run into is having to protect privacy of people a round me. Many of the events ha ppening in my personal life are in relation to other people. E ven if I say I only want to dis cuss my own life here, and not those of people around me, this ends up hard to do in practice .
- Example: Suppose I go on a date with Alice (imaginary c haracter) that goes exceptional ly well, and I want to sit and write about why on the internet . If I write too much detail ab out what happened, even anonymi sed, this could end up revealin g details that Alice does not w ant revealed online. The worst case often is that it could rev eal Alice's identity online whe n she didn't want that to happe n.
- There is a spectrum of ho w much effort I should put into anonymising information about other people in life, when I ta lk about them online
- ensur e a couple minutes of google se arch won't reveal who I am talk ing about
- ensure a 4chan u ser spending months building th eir bespoke AI doxxing tools wo n't reveal who I am talking abo ut
- ensure a targeted govt investigation spending millions of dollars won't reveal who I am talking about
- For some of the sensitive things I work on in professional life, I really do think the standard needs to be "ensure a targeted govt inv estigation spending millions of dollars won't reveal who I am talking about".
- For exampl e, I have posted a pgp-encrypte d TAILS-only email address on m y website. But I have also publ ished clear disclaimers that my legal budget is not high, and my opsec when it comes to socia l circle is not great, and if t he stakes are sufficiently high , maybe you should not be conta cting me. There are journalists out there with way better opse c than me, maybe you should con tact them instead.
- For atlea st some of the events in my per sonal life, it seems okay if th e standard is just "ensure a co uple minutes of google search w on't reveal who I am talking ab out"
- I don't (yet) have se rious enemies who will put lots of dedicated effort to figurin g out random tidbits of info li ke who I went on a date with or how it went.
- I seem vague ly concerned that this could ch ange in future, and I could ret roactively come to regret it. L ike, imagine that in 2030 I am an actually important person an d have enemies. Maybe 4chan use rs are busy trying to find out every person I ever talked to b ack in 2025 in order to send me an messages to them (or worse, find info on them to sue them, or try to get them expelled fro m their social circle, or simil ar).
- Atleast when it comes to my own personal info (and n ot people around me), I have th ought enough about these things to just be like, bring it on, lol. I don't think I am an easy target to offend or sue or can cel or whatever, even though I reveal a lot of info about myse lf online.
- To be clear, this is not fun. Having to run simulations about how various p otential enemies might use info against you is not fun, and it is more fun to live life not b eing reminded of their existenc e. But I think the upsides of s haring are probably worth the d ownsides for me.
- People ar ound me may not be this prepare d. Definitely some people aroun d me are easier targets than me . In which case, yes, they migh t be correct in wanting a lot m ore privacy than I do.
- Often , people haven't explicitly tol d me how strong anonymity they want, and I have to guess on th eir behalf what they want.
- I could just ask them, yes. Th e first problem with this is th at this takes time to do and ev eryone is busy.
- Also, mayb e people around me are not actu ally thinking it through. Someo ne around me might say that the y're fine with their info being publicly shared, but I might t hink there is some way this can be used against them that they didn't think of, and I might a ctually go back and tell them t hat.
- Vice versa, someone a round me might be overly cautio us, and I might try to persuade them to be less cautious.
- Atleast when it comes to peopl e who are close to me, I think the standard I aspire to is mor e like "optimise for this perso n's long-term good" not just "d on't violate the boundaries the y explicitly shared with me". L ike, I will do the latter for s ure, but I also want to do the former.
- In practice, I oft en fall short of this standard, and I am working on getting be tter at that. This is more of a north star than something I am literally capable of following today.
- Conclusion
- I do n't have actual answers to this stuff, just sharing my confusi on so that others can provide i nput.
Side Note
- I did look into building AI doxxing tools myself. You can get quite far u sing stylometrics alone, but I realised that an actually succe ssful doxxing tool is probably going to require stage 1 PII da taset, stage 2 stylometrics, an d it is also going to require a n actual human researcher to si t and operate.
- I didn't ha ve the connections or the money to purchase these datasets, an d I wasn't at that time interes ted in investing more effort in to it, so I ended up abandoning this plan midway. There are de finitely some data brokers both offline and on dark web who wi ll sell these datasets.
- I ha ve not actually built a tool th at can doxx everyone so I can't claim with confidence this is exactly how it will be built. B ut this is my best guess.
---
## Update
[Tim Ferris on his loved ones becoming targets as he became famous](https://tim.b log/2020/02/02/reasons-to-not-b ecome-famous/)
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text_english /personal/main/do_not_let_your_ hobbies_lead_you_to_forget_the_ value_of_self_sacrifice.md00064 4 000765 000024 00000001034 15236407343 035673 0 ust ar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-08-10
# Do not let yo ur hobbies lead you to forget t he value of self-sacrifice
Dis claimer
- personal
- target a udience - strictly myself
Main
- Have hobbies fine. Enjoy ho bbies also fine. Do not get too attached to your hobbies howev er. You should be willing to dr op everything and sacrifice you r life for this war (to stop AS I) at the drop of a hat. You sh ould be willing to gladly spend years in prison if that is wha t it takes.
- I noticed myself getting a bit too attached and hence I thought this reminder might be useful.
text_english/personal/main /asi_xrisk_and_judging_others.m d 000644 000765 000 024 00000004413 15177753505 02 5227 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-31
# ASI xrisk and judging other s
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
Trigger for writing this note - Just woke up from a dream wh ere I was hugging a woman (pres umably we were dating? idk, thi s detail was not clarified in t he dream)
Main
- Would I be s o judgemental of people if I wa sn't so terribly lonely?
- Pro bably not honestly. A lot of my judgement is coming from a pla ce of neediness. I need **you** to believe the world is ending , so that **I** feel normal.
- It's like this invisible wall has been put up between me and everyone I ever meet.
- I just want a hug from someone I care about who also cares about me.
- But then I'm like, wait, I do have male friends I could ge t a hug from. Why does that not help?
- I don't know, I see m yself as a dangerous sort of pe rson. And then I project that o n others and think they're dang erous too.
- Or they're not da ngerous, in which case I'm more likely to think of them as use less and incompetent? Like, the world is ending, ofcourse you should want power to fix this, ofcourse you should be prepared to make enemies. If you were a ctually serious, you should be preparing for war just like I a m.
- Whereas I don't seem to e xpect the same from women? By d efault, I assume women are more capable at other things.
- Like yes, emotional processing. Or even if it's technical stuf f then fine.
- I don't know, I think women fundamentally co mpete for power in different wa ys than men. Many women don't c ompete that hard for power, but to the extent they do, they ei ther play status games and quie tly undermine people's reputati ons, or they use the emotions y ou have for them (often sexual/ romantic) to manipulate you. Bo th of these are quite negativel y coded in my brain. There is n o positive story I have in my h ead for how women compete for p ower.
- Which is weird? Wome n want power too. I only have t he boring story in my head of w oman makes a bunch of money, th at's it, as a fair method for w omen to acquire power.
- I n otice I am confused. I should r ead more about this maybe. "Rou tes to acquire power for women that have positive vibes associ ated"
- I mean, there's the obvious positive route which is - attach yourself to a powerfu l man (by actually loving them) and become powerful by proxy. But there have to exist other r outes too.
text_english/personal/m ain/I_love_cate_hall_and_sasha_ chapins_marriage.md 000644 000765 000024 00000000774 15250305177 030100 0 ustar 00samuel staff 0000 00 000000 2026-09 -09
# I love Cate Hall and Sas ha Chapin's marriage
Disclaime r
- personal
- target audienc e - strictly myself
Main
- No t keen on gossiping about rando m strangers' marriages on the p ublic internet.
- Will only me ntion one point though. From th e very little I know (from onli ne info, I've never met them), I would say they are a successf ul example of staying together despite large initial gap in va lues, and value transitions aft erwards.
- I want to be capabl e of managing a marriage like t his.
text_english/personal/ main/I_found_most_male_sex_toys _kinda_lame.md 000644 000765 000024 00000000712 1523614724 3 027030 0 ustar 00samue l staf f 000 000 000000 2026-0 8-10
# I found most male sex t oys kinda lame
Disclaimer
- * *Quick Note**
- NSFW
Main
- I liked experimenting with a bu tt plug just out of novelty. It is fun for a first experience, but the novelty wears off afte r a point.
- I found using a f leshlight lame and didn't enjoy it much.
- I found using a pr ostate massager lame and didn't enjoy it much. Some people onl ine say there is a skill to hav ing a prostate orgasm. I couldn 't figure it out.
text_english/personal /main/nagaland_cuisine.md 000644 000765 000024 00000001724 151777535 05 022604 0 ustar 00samu el sta ff 00 0000 000000 2026- 01-19
# Nagaland cuisine
I li ved in Kohima, Nagaland for abo ut 6 months. Here's some dishes I liked and disliked. Your tas te may differ from mine. I am v egetarian so I couldn't try a l ot of their specialty items lik e smoked pork.
- pumpkin seed pickle - really enjoyed, favour ite item
- pumpkin vegetable - nice
- naga king chilly - rea lly enjoyed
- pickle out of so mething similar to peas, bitter when raw, sour when in pickle. maybe similar or not similar t o rajasthani teenth - really en joyed, one of my favourite item s
- soyabean spicy pickle (gre en colour, not akhuni) - nice
- many different pickles - like d in general
- akhuni (soyabea n pickle) - nice once in a whil e
- akhuni fried rice - nice o nce in a while
- radish pickle - nice once in a while
- dess ert based on job's tear - above average
- bamboo shoot - aver age
- anishi - I'm not sure if I've tried it
- dried apple - above average once in a while
- veg galho - above average on ce in a while
text _english/personal/main/I_want_t o_become_more_violent_with_time .md 000644 000765 000024 0000 0113654 15177753505 027416 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-03
minor u pdates by 2026-03-09
# I want to become more violent with tim e
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- **Contains politically sens itive info**
- Thinking aloud. I'm not guaranteed to endorse these claims after thinking a l ot.
- target audience - strict ly myself
Main
- I still endo rse the post on "maybe I should pre-commit to killing atleast one person"
- Continue along t his direction
- More learnin gs - morality is decided by act ions, and becomes a part of you r identity. **I want to slowly become a more violent person th an I currently am, by slowly ta king actions in this direction. **
- I don't want to ratchet up the stakes too quickly. Wit h the sort of national security -related projects I am working on, it's possible the stakes be come high very quickly and I ei ther get myself or lots of othe r people killed, in a way that I don't endorse on reflection. I need slightly lower stakes sc enarios where I can actually te st my morality via actions in t he real world.
- I need to s lowly take steps to become more violent than I currently am.
- The way to do this is to ke ep working on the same cluster of projects, and move in the sa me direction I'm currently movi ng. Moving at half-speed is not a good idea. And I have hit di minishing returns from doing th eory alone, so I should not was te more time on theory. **Now i s the time for action, and lear ning through action.**
- **The actual political ideology I be lieve in is the following:**
- Stop ASI, be the lesser evi l, regardless of whether lesser evil means kill 1 person or 10 0 million people
- Be as vi olent as necessary but not more than that, have good judgement when guessing what actions are necessary versus unnecessary. You have to make guesses and li ve with them, because no one ha s a crystal ball.
- Capital ism, democracy, libertarianism, nationalism etc are all bullsh it justifications for harming i nnocent people. I am now going to use my own anti-ASI ideology as a justification for harming innocent people. When encourag ing people to whistleblow or cy berattack or whatever, I need t o turn people from their curren t ideology (capitalism or natio nalism or whatever) into my ide ology (anti-ASI is more importa nt than being nationalist or pr o-capitalist or whatever shit, all that is of secondary import ance).
- I should act more con gruent with the ideology I actu ally believe in. Make my action s and thoughts align.
- **Exam ples of concrete actions I can take over next few months to ma ke my actions more congruent wi th my words and thoughts:**
- Stop pretending to be so happ y and nice in order to try and disarm people or make them trus t you. I am a warrior and I am here for war, and people should be able to understand that in the first few minutes of meetin g me. Don't smile so much when I know I'm not happy inside. Pe ople should be able to look int o my eyes and realise I am here for war.
- Tell ASI company employees - "You might be inno cent and have good intentions, but fuck you, I am going to get you killed or thrown in prison anyway, because you are respon sible for the destruction of al l life on Earth. I will not let you slaughter me so easily." T he point isn't even to convince them, the point is to remind m yself who I am. Same intention as with the hunger strike, same with not sleeping, and so on. I did that for me, not primaril y for others.
- Spend everyd ay reminding myself more often what it would be like, to watch everyone around me die. Whenev er I experience some temporary happiness while being with some one, remind myself that this pe rson is going to die anyway, un less I take action. Your inabil ity to connect with people shou ld propel you towards action (o n fixing ASI risk), not away fr om it. Visualising the deaths o f everyone you ever connect wit h, could help.
- Get better at cyberhacking. Actually learn how to get good at this.
- Talk to more hackers. Break the m out of their bullshit moral j ustifications, and remind them that taking down the AI compani es is more important. There is a compute cluster in Abilene, T exas with the potential for the destruction of all life on Ear th. Show them the photos. Show myself the photos. Photos help visualise things more concretel y.
- Don't just patiently li sten to all the nonsense your f riends speak. Remind them it is nonsense, before you "agree to disagree". The reminder is not for them, it is for yourself.
- Use first-person pronouns (I, me, myself) not second-pers on pronouns (you, your, yoursel f) when deciding what my future self should look like. I have to become the person I want to be. These aren't just suggestio ns, these are directives. These directives make me act more in line with my principles.
- ** Practice each of the moves ment ioned above for months together , until it becomes natural. Som e of your friends will intentio nally push back, to try pushing their own bullshit frames on m e. Fuck them.**
- Reduce fre quency of interaction with anyo ne (especially irl) who consist ently pushes hard against my fr ame in a way that makes it hard er to hold my own frame. They m ay be innocent, but I may need distance from them until I can practice holding my own frame c omfortably.
update
- Some mo re concrete actions:
- Blur your vision more often so you l ose focus of anything besides y our goal. Random buildings and people and logisistics and brig ht lights and attractive women and wind and whatnot are not im portant. Focus on your goal is more important. Fuck people. It 's not their fault, but also, r andom strangers are not worth m y time right now.
- Walk fas ter. Walk as if you're fighting for your life here.
- Spend zero time thinking about money as a consideration when making most logistical decisions. Rem ember you have already lost mon ths of time and lakhs of rupees because of working on the wron g things, or moving too slow, a nd so on. You have spent days w ithout sleep, you have spent mo nths living with low self-estee m, all this shit is way more im portant than money. Unless your decision will cost you a lakh rupees or more, stop thinking a bout money when making decision s.
- lol it is funny that I c ouldn't actually do these thing s when I artifically told mysel f "value your time more", but n ow that I actually internalise I am locked into a bitter fight unto the death with these pro- AI fuckers in SV, then valuing my time more automatically beco mes much easier.
- This is a f ight of life or death. Repeat t his to myself a hundred times a day until I actually get it. ( This is metaphorical, although a literal hundred times also do esn't so bad.)
update
- I ran this document against my disag reements app. Possibly the numb er one biggest thing I need to fix here, is that being indiscr iminately violent or unfair cau ses you to lose other people's trust and in-person networks. Y ou need atleast some ingroup to wards whom you are actually nic e and can coordinate with (by c ommitting to some norms, earnin g trust etc), even if you choos e to be willing to be maximally violent on the outgroup.
- Id k man I would love to coordinat e with some actual power-seekin g anti-ASI politicians. If Bism arck was anti-ASI he would know exactly what to do with vigila nte groups like myself, just as he would know what to do with legal groups. The current crop of anti-ASI influencers is inco mpetent (relative to someone li ke Bismarck).
- Idk I also inc reasingly feel that it is way e asier for your ingroup to coord inate their violence against an outgroup, and it is much harde r to coordinate violence agains t random bystanders. Political ideologies provide simple rules for how you are supposed to tr eat every other group, be it ou tgroup, neutral, ingroup, state actor, non-state actor, etc. I f all ideological adherents agr ee to same rules, it's easier f or them to coordinate.
---
## Update - more learnings from f eeding this document to disagre ements app
Disclaimer
- **Qui ck Note**
- Thinking aloud, I may not endorse these claims af ter thinking a lot.
- May cont ain inaccuracies
Main
- Naval
- I like Naval's thoughts o n happiness, although I still n eed to figure out how to apply them to my specific situation. [Naval on happiness](https://na v.al/happiness?utm_source=opena i)
- For instance he says to o much anger causes bad judgmen t. But on the other side, for m e, not enough anger leads to in action or moving slow. I should be angry atleast a little, tha t the people in the AI companie s are planning to kill me, and I might die actually, and I don 't deserve to die, I don't want to die.
- He says peace com es from actually understand roo t causes of internal conflict. Fair enough
- He talks about fake friendships that are only held together by substances. I love this section a lot. The p roblem is I don't actually thin k the friendships I built while under substances were entirely fake. For example while travel ling I have made many acquainta nces this way. It is true we mi ght connect only in some limite d extent, but that still feels real? I can still have conversa tions with some of these people while sober too? Also, it's st ill not a complete set of stran gers, there's atleast some self -selection going on (for exampl e, for high openness on Big Fiv e) simply as a virtue of who I am.
- When I am sober I just open conversations with saying I am in a deep hell, honestly. Because I am. But only some fr iends want to actually tolerate that. Many don't. When I am no t sober I can be more high on o penness and hence that is the p art of me that gets showcased f irst. More people are intereste d in that part of me.
- I d on't know, if I reframe this, i t's like I am showing people a mirror. This is the hell I am a ctually live in, and surprise m otherfucker, you are living in this hell too, you're just not aware of it.
- At this point I just call people out when th ey say things like "I dont care about xrisk". I'm like, "fuck you, you are lying to yourself, if you had cancer tomorrow you would try to treat it". I have lost count of the number of pe ople I have met who say they do nt care about xrisk even if it' s real, it's probably in double digits at this point.
- I t hink Naval is straightforwardly wrong about modern society bei ng safer than hunter gatherer e nvironment. Like yes you won't be killed overnight by a predat or, but you will be slowly hunt ed down over a period of years by things like ASI development, by civil war, by people around you growing old and dying, and so on. Instinctive response is often bad in modern environmen t. But fear of death is still r eal.
- PG
- PG says keep yo ur identity small. I actually s trongly disagree with this nowa days. I think PG has an identit y of size non-zero. He is a hac ker and a (former) painter and a venture capitalist and a pro- capitalist and so on. Like, yes , feel free to play around with your identity. Just because I call myself an activist doesn't mean I am the stereotypical ac tivist. Don't hold on to your i dentity with a death grip. But also, have an identity. That's what I currently think.
- PG says being good to everyone is faster and easier than trying to track which group you are su pposed to good versus bad to. E specially true in a connected i nternet-driven transparent soci ety, where your lies get caught . This is true IMO. But I'm not convinced that this means I sh ould have no outgroups or engag e in zero violence. Instead I t hink it means that I should be transparent about my motivation s, and coordinate with others w ith similar motivations, as I a m similarly trying to do. If I actually fucking hate the outgr oup, I should be honest about t hat, and if I want to slaughter the outgroup but secretly resp ect them anyway, then I should be honest about that too.
- PG says technology now grants p ower as opposed to dominating s tatus heirarchy, so maybe nicer people have power today as com pared to past. I guess in his m ind, Ilya Sutskever is a nicer person than Gengis Khan, but ev en Ilya has a lot of power toda y. I think PG is missing the fa ct that the people running the US intelligence agency are stil l stuck in stone age mindset, a nd will gladly wipe out entire nations if you given them unche cked power. And they will also control future direction of tec hnology.
- In general a bunc h of SV billionaires are very p ro-market (duh) and think marke ts are natural, not an ideology . And sure, free markets betwee n Alice and Bob are natural. Bu t joint stock corporations and wall street derivatives and int ernet-scale startups and centra lised walled garden social medi a to rewire human psyche are no t natural. They are complex env ironments in which primal incen tives are playing out, and ideo logies do affect how these thin gs play out.
- (Update 2026- 03-07) Maybe PG is not being na ive about this? Maybe he really thinks when the last Power Cor rodor at End of Time opens up, people like Ilya beat people li ke Altman, who in turn beat peo ple like Michael Hayden? This s eems plausible and quite import ant if true actually. I haven't analysed the End Game that dee ply.
- Vitalik
- Vitalik re ally wants a pluralist society, where no single ideology or in stitution or group is dominant. I want to unite everyone under an anti-ASI ieology. Growing n umbers for the anti-ASI ideolog y isn't incompatible with plura lism. Sure, if I end up electin g a communist dictator to stop ASI, then that is a blow for pl uralism. I appreciate that he u ses the word "pluralism", not t he word "liberal" or "democracy ".
- I have already wrong lo nger criticism of Vitalik's d/a cc elsewhere. Short version - A I and bioweapons probably favou r offence not defence.
- I l ike how pessimistic Vitalik is about regulating US military pr essure to accelerate AI researc h
- Dwarkesh
- I am not eve n going to engage with this. Th is is all part of the (IMO dumb ) ideological cluster that assu mes a post-ASI society will be capitalist and democratic. It m akes me wonder how many other n oobs are sitting in SV with sim ilar type of thinking.
- Dwa rkesh donated lot of money for animal welfare. Interesting, bu t irrelevant to this discussion .
- Ben Kuhn
- Again, didn' t learn much. Also didn't learn much for why he trusts Anthrop ic so much. I will wait for the day he resigns. He is clearly smart in other ways, so maybe h e will eventually wisen up in t his dimension too.
- Ben agr ees trust is a major constraint to getting anything done, it i s slow and takes time and happe ns via 1-to-1 interactions. Eve n within Anthropic (the doom co mpany), he finds himself often bottlenecked by not enough trus t across people of different te ams
- Alexy Guzey
- Same, w ill wait for the day he resigns from OpenAI
- Alexey Guzey has a long ass post on [why he thinks working ASI xrisk full-t ime is bad](https://guzey.com/e xistential-risk/), which I stro ngly disagree with. He says ant i-ASI career people will do mot ivated reasoning, as if him wor king at OpenAI won't cause him to do the exact same thing in t he opposite direction.
- I c ould write a longer criticism e lsewhere but the short version is just - it is too late for "d ont think or talk about ASI ris k" to be viable strategy to fix ASI risk. There are too many p eople working on it already. Th e only way through is forwards. Now we have to inform everyone and shut down the companies. I 'm unable to see any other real istic path.
- Yes, telling m ore people might accelerate tim elines in the interim. Accelera ting can be done more increment ally as unilateralist, but dece leration requires a lot of incr emental work that doesn't produ ce much reward, until all of a sudden you get collective actio n and stop the research. Raw nu mbers of people supporting a po litical movement don't grow in the same way revenue curves of an AI company grow.
- Guzey really dislikes NIH-regulations on biomedicine, just as I disl ike that US natsec wants to acc elerate ASI. Okay
- Guzey co nsiders knowledge/truth/science as a sacred value for him. Whe reas I'm willing to throw every thing under the bus to stop ASI . I don't know, it is a good qu estion worth asking. If the onl y way to stop ASI was an anti-E nlightenment Kaczynski-style id eology that literally took us t o the dark ages, would I still want to stop ASI? I am optimist ic we won't have to go that far , but it is worth asking the wo rst case question as well.
- S cott Alexander
- Ugh Scott i s naive in so many ways. Readin g this is painful.
- Scott w ants regulation, without realis ing all regulatory bodies are c aptured and US govt will accele rate ASI by default.
- Scott is sympathetic to Anthropic an d thinks Anthropic-run ASI dict atorship will be fine actually.
- Scott buys all the galaxy brained nonsense around pausing in one country lets less moral countries win or whatever. Jus t as he buys galaxybrained nons ense that Anthropic is safer th an other companies.
- I have zero trust in Scott's judgment on how to deal with ASI risk. This is sad, because some of my favourite articles on politics are also from Scott. What went so terribly wrong here?
- F rom mistake theory pov, I think he is missing that solving ASI alignment could take atleast 3 0 years, and you can't blunder your way through it in the midd le of an arms race. From a more realist pov, I think he accept ed his own logic from meditatio ns on moloch too hard, and now thinks it's okay to be most mor al actor who wins, even if that means not being very moral. I am also sympathetic to such mor al logic but I don't think it w ill actually work in this scena rio.
- Very important - usin g strong moral rationalisations and rhetoric should not blind you to failure modes like these . Scott is blind and I should n ot become blind in the same way .
- Gwern
- [Gwern on terro rism is not effective](https:// gwern.net/terrorism-is-not-effe ctive#competent-murders)
- I actually strongly agree that i ndividuals taking radical actio ns are super ineffective. Small groups are much more psycholog ically stable and able to plan bigger outcomes.
- I actuall y agree with him that propagand a is an actual motivation for s ome terrorist attacks. I recent ly mused that I want someone to make an assassination attempt against AI companies and fail, not because I think assassinati ons are effective, but because I want the temperature of the c onflict to raise. I want both s ides to realise this is war, no t a game. The stakes are a lite ral hundred world wars at once.
- I don't think I personall y want to do something like thi s though, though I might lowkey wish it happened. I want to pi ck actually effective plans.
- Holy fuck I love the footnot es on that article, he has expl icitly analysed things like Nel son Mandela being a terrorist.
- Side note - [Eliezer Yudko wsky on competent elites](https ://www.lesswrong.com/posts/CKpB yWmsZ8WmpHtYa/competent-elites) . I actually agree with him tha t you can acquire a lot of powe r via intelligence alone, while still maintaining high moral s tandards and self-esteem (assum ing you buy into capitalist jus tification for greater good jus tifies harm). If you have actua lly truly bought into the ideol ogy, then the harm won't even r egister as harm anymore. Also I don't think the harm has to ne cessarily be that big, you are usually sitting ten levels away from where the harm actually h appens anyway.
- Gwern links [this paper on assassinations] (https://gwern.net/doc/crime/te rrorism/2009-jones.pdf)
- Gw ern also talks about Assange's conspiracy as governance paper. Holy fuck I am impressed how m uch we are both covering the sa me terrain.
- Some initial thoughts from my side
- Th e paper says assassinating auto crats is more effective at caus ing regime change or more democ racy, than assassinating pro-de mocracy people. But in general doing any sort of regime change is hard and most approaches fa il.
- Let's assume the pap er is true and this is not moti vated reasoning. This makes sen se to me actually. A dictator m ight deliberately keep an incom petent change of command under him. Whereas a democratic capit alist that (such as the one pro ducing ASI) is likely to keep m ore competent chains of command .
- Okay by this logic, as sassinating Michael Hayden is m ore effective than assassinatin g Sam Altman, because Hayden's number two is more likely to be incompetent as compared to Alt man's number two. Idk, even int elligence agencies have a decen t turnover, they are ultimately run by nationalist ideology an d self-interested power-seeking rational people, not necessari ly by one single person who doe s all the work. You can find ma ny people who are competent and nationalist and interested in unaccountable power, this arche type is not rare.
- I hope I'm not doing motivated reason ing to prove why assassinations are ineffective. If they are e ffective I want to know. They s ure as shit are more effective as compared to sitting in your room making notes all day. I st ill think I can find a more eff ective move though.
- gene ral conclusion - killing leader s is easy, killing ideologies i s hard. obvious conclusion but worth restating
> As I said, t he destructive power of a human is great; let's assume we have 100 fanatics—a vanishingly s mall fraction of those who have hated on GS over the years—w illing to engage even in assass ination, a historically effecti ve tactic32 and perhaps the sin gle most effective tactic avail able to an individual or small group.Julian Assange explains t he basic theory of Wikileaks in a 20062essay, “State and Ter rorist Conspiracies” / “Con spiracy as Governance”: corpo rations and conspiracies form a graph network; the more effici ently communication flows, the more powerful a graph is; parti tion the graph, or impede co mmunication (through leaks whic h cause self-inflicted wounds o f secrecy & paranoia), and its power goes down.
- Gwern (co ntinued)
- I am confused tha t Gwern writes a para like this without questioning that maybe Assange's strategy was more ef fective than an assassination. I guess it is true most people don't have the skills to become an Assange, but then most peop le don't have skills to smuggle weapons, keep secrets and stay psychologically stable, and so on either.
- Okay wait, Gwe rn wants a group to plan a hund red simultaneous assassinations . Do you realise how hard this is? (you = gwern) Good luck fin ding one person to join you, le t alone a hundred. And then ima gine the trust issues you have to fix inside that group. I wil l have to write a longer articl e critiquing all this, I don't have time to give very refined thoughts right now.
- Okay g wern agrees with me after all. Interesting
- Very important question. Why is it hard to ge t hundred terrorists (who will sacrifice themselves) in an ind ependent new group, but easier to recruit another hundred sold iers (who will sacrifice themse lves) in a nationalist-justifie d army. A nation state can tota lly attempt a hundred simultane ous assassinations too, they ca n make a sneaky move like this without declaring any war.
- Logical conclusion - doompill Putin and ask him to plan all t he assassinations. Only half jo king. Or try to use internet an d recruit another hundred assas sins myself. The important thin g is that our own country shoul d not care that we are recruiti ng terrorists under some privat e umbrella.
- I need a lot m ore time to sit and process all of Gwern's writings on this to pic. Will get back. On to the n ext person
- Gwern (continued more)
- Part of the problem with running this sort of group is no chain of command. A mili tary has clear chain of command . A private militia planning a hundred assassinations lacks ch ain of command.
- I was just thinking through, what if I ju st put messages online and trie d to recruit a hundred anti-ASI assassins over internet, and b rought them all to india/russia .
- Even if I managed to su cceed at all, there is a real p roblem of chain of command.
- I'm confused why militaries d on't attempt this more. If it i s so easy to assassinate the US president and leaders of US na tsec and US AI company CEOs and their chains of command, why i sn't Putin doing it already? Us ing an anonymous team that is, ensure no traceability back to himself.
- Habryka
- Unfort unately Habryka is both alive a nd important to my cause, so I may need to be more careful wha t I say here.
- Habryka says making powerful enemies and ac ting against them creates envir onment that makes it harder for others to trust you. I agree. But I think having well-defined ingroups and outgroups and hav ing well-defined rules for how to interact with each group, ca n side step that.
- gpt-5 sa ys this, important point.
> Sa muel explicitly considers reduc ing contact with people who pus h back on his “frame,” and he's thinking about outgroup/in group violence coordination. (s amuelshadrach.com) Habryka is p ointing at a failure mode: once you organize around adversaria l filtering, you can select for exactly the kind of people who are dangerous to coordinate wi th (high-agency schemers).
- I agree it is straightforward ly true that if I am trying to recruit people who are capable of some violence against AI com pany people, I am also increasi ng probability they are violent against me.
- I still think trust is solveable to a large degree in a small group that me ets in-person often. I will hav e plenty of time to vet my team members and they will have ple nty of time to vet me. Plenty o f time = few months atleast. I think purging large bureaucraci es is much harder.
- Habryka says rationality (especially o f groups) depends on funding an d incentives, and funding depen ds on institutional legitimacy. Lightcone has lost funding due to being on CEA-blacklist and SFF only funding partially.
- It's not clear to me what "in stitutional legitimacy" means i n the context of the thing I'm trying to do. I'm not trying to personally raise a billion dol lars in funding for example. I agree what reputation you build is important. I'm not convince d building a reputation as a vi gilante hacker group is a probl em, if you're not looking for b illionaire-level funding or for millions of people to support you.
- Ben Pace
- Ben has a [post explicitly on vigilante justice](https://www.lesswrong. com/posts/jgWtEedLWXBMKNetY/sho uld-you-work-with-evil-people)
- I like that he differentia tes between sadists and people want dominance in the hierarchy , from people who think instrum ental harm is required in order to get power (i.e. me).
- H e thinks most of the time the i nstrumental harm is not worth i t. So, umm, evidence for this c laim? Can't find it (yet), will have to search his writings el sewhere.
- Ben agrees with m e that many people on LW are na ive about assuming discourse ev en on LW is good faith, it ofte n isn't
> As I say, I think it 's a relatively common occurren ce that people end up optimizin g explicitly for bad things. Wh ile the easy answers are desire s for sadism and dominance, I t hink the main thing is culture and believing that it is how to get power. There are many perv erse incentives and situations that arise that teach you these awful lessons.
- Raemon Arn old
- Supports the Yudkowsky DC march to stop ASI. Good to know.
- I'm confused why Rae mon is so thinker/strategist-or iented. See [this post](https:/ /www.lesswrong.com/posts/pZrvkZ zL2JnbRgEBC/feedbackloop-first- rationality) for example.
- Spending your life full-time do ing just thinking and strategy (but no actually work) on xrisk is already meta. And now he is going even more meta and askin g what are the feedback loops i n his thinking and how to impro ve those.
- When does any of this actually cash out into ac tions in the real world?
- I think I'm just going to ignore Raemon's thoughts until I see some concrete real world output .
- Raemon supports a broad political coalition against ASI . Good to know.
- Raemon doe s a bunch of culture-building e xercises like Secular Solstice for his small in-person ingroup . Fair enough.
- If I ever r ecruit a team, we could conside r implementing a non-zero amoun t of artwork or rituals or othe r meaning reaffirming stuff. No t the priority, but also not us eless.
- Lee Kuan Yew
- LKY is just maximally justifying a nything that gets him personall y more power lmao.
- Justifi es capitalism and govt investme nt into corporates, as long as he runs the govt.
- Justifie s suppressing press freedom to get ethnic coordination, as lon g as he does the suppressing.
- Justifies some amount of po litical violence too, as long a s he uses the military to do it .
- This is so dumb, I am go ing to ignore this. This is jus t proof that authoritarian coun tries can be successful, that's it.
- I love how nakedly se lfish this is. Like sure, he mi ght have genuinely believed in nationalism and good for the in group (i.e. Singapore as a whol e), but he is very authoritaria n about how to get there.
- See also: his attempts to plan people's families, social lives , etc
- LKY agrees that bein g feared and respected can work , even if you are state actor n ot a terrorist one. He had outg roups to make trades with or ev en fight with, and being feared helped him do that.
- This agrees with my intuition that a bunch of these anti-ASI people who currently ignore me will h ave to again come back and nego tiate with me once I have some actual power. For instance, if I actually do a cyberattack and leak something important, then they might be willing to work with me to publish it, even if right now they are disavowing a ll violence and whatnot, atleas t in public.
- Otto van Bismar ck
- Bismarck is not willing to sacrifice lifes on interest s that are not core to the miss ion of state stability and expa nsion. Do not sacrifice even on e soldier on something unimport ant.
- Bismarck shows that p osturing yourself as capable of war is often way more importan t than actually engaging in war . Actual war is often costly on both sides, including your own .
- Bismarck agrees with me that people (especially politic ians) frequently drop their com mitments, as the upside and dow nside calculation changes in fu ture. More reason I should not take any of these anti-ASI peop le's principles seriously. They are power-hungry just as I am, and will abandon principles if it shows actual success.
- Bismarck is way better at polit ics than I am. He shows that pr esentation is important. He wou ld use soft gentle voice to get many people killed.
- Moxie M arlinspike
> Moxie explicitly expresses a hoped-for world tha t values “skills and relation ships over careers and money.
- Yes true, this is the s omewhat opposite direction as m e. I want skills and skilled pe ople around me and relationship s with these people. But all th is is instrumental, to ultimate ly seek power and fight the AI companies.
- Important to n ote that Moxie has a lot of leg itimacy in multiple circles, bu t not as much actual hard power .
- Moxie says even decentra lised stuff recentralises. It i s true that if I start an anti- ASI hacker group, and actually succeed, then most of the anti- ASI hackers on earth will want to work with me. There won't be tens of different hacker group s doing different things. This seems fine with me.
- Moxie says social progress happens wh en people can break laws, for i nstance homosexuality and weed were once illegal in US. Hence he might (???) be skeptical of my position that zero privacy f or everyone would be a good wor ld. I disagree but weak opinion , I don't think you can so easi ly impose order in a zero priva cy world, the way states can im pose order and restrict freedom (to get predictability) in cur rent world. But honestly this w hole debate is a side step from the actual thing I have to fig ure out right now. I am not act ually building a zero privacy w orld in next 5 years.
- Julian Assange
- Assange is more m otivated by love and creation, as opposed to guilt and fear.
- In terms of actual views on politics, holy fuck I love lov e love how much our views align . He is cynical in the exact sp ecific way that I am cynical. L aws don't mean shit, enforcemen t is based on prevailing ideolo gies anyway, most ideologies at the top are just justification s to acquire more power, and so on.
- Asssange seems more c lear that he wants his work to help others. With me it is less clear whether I am doing it to help myself or others. I want to create good future equilibri ums, which is technically helpi ng others, but not necessarily in a way that they will underst and or consent to.
- Honestl y this part might be important. If I got more clear on whether my work is to help others or m yself, it could help me feel wa y better.
- I love how skept ical Assange is about rational argument and logic. He says he uses poetry to communicate, bec ause meaning comes first and on ly after that people are willin g to accept actual truth. I don 't know how much to trust this advice, his blog isn't exactly that popular.
- [Everyone an d no one wants to save the worl d](https://web.archive.org/web/ 20071020051936/http%3A//iq.org/ #Everyoneandnoonewantstosavethe world)
- Very fucking import ant - worth thinking through th is article in more detail. He i s basically saying look at your own core traits and other peop le's core traits, which are qui te different from the words eit her you utter or they utter, or any explicit boundaries either of you think of. He is a lot m ore romantic lol. (Romantic in the literary sense, not the sex ual sense. Although I have to w onder if he was literally aimin g the blog atleast a little bit , at women he wanted to be with . Lol)
- By Assange's logic, I should just attack who I act ually feel like attacking, and leak whatever I feel like leaki ng, without thinking through th e whole consequentialist chain of logic to the end. This is my character and I have to enact it out.
- What if I am someo ne who actually cares about imp act, and hence cares about actu ally being consequentialist abo ut it? Ugh
- Worth thinking through more
- Assange did a ctually get people killed in th e end though, despite his best efforts not to, because (IMO) h e was not consequentialist enou gh. He could have anticipated c ounterattack, or the fact that he eventally won't have capacit y for redactions. I know it's e asy for me to say with hindsigh t, after having actually looked at examples including Assange' s own life.
- Richard Stallman
- He is very deontological about most of the things he car es about, be it open source sof tware or violence or anonymity or similar.
- I'm not sure h ow much being deontological hel ped him earn the trust of more people. It is straightforwardly true that the masses are more deontological than consequentia list, and will find it easier t o trust someone like Stallman ( though Stallman is still quite eccentric for a normie, for exa mple due to how he dresses).
- Stallman thinks language and terminology is important. I th ink this is common leftist fail ure mode, won't sit and argue t hat here.
- Aaron Swartz
- [Aaron Swartz on Look at yourse lf objectively, part 3](https:/ /aaronsw.vercel.app/weblog/semm elweis)
> But, as Semmelweis s howed, this is a dangerous habi t. Sure, it's awful to hear you 're killing people—but it's w ay worse to keep on killing peo ple! It may not be fun to get t old you're lazy, but it's bette r to hear it now than to find o ut when you're fired. If you wa nt to work on getting better, y ou need to start by knowing whe re you are.
- I love this l ol
- Okay so Aaron's primary concern is that if he distance s from people with moral disagr eements with him, then he will lose valuable feedback about wh ere his moral system is wrong, or where he went too far. And y es, this is very important actu ally.
- Definitely atleast p art of the reason US natsec has started more wars than is abso lutely necessary (even from the ir self-interested nationalist position) is because they have eliminated contact from people who can prove to them that the wars were unnecessary.
- Gro ups with moral codes are especi ally blind, compared to individ uals with moral codes. Once I h ave a group with a moral code t hat is oriented around non-zero violence towards an outgroup f or instance, it will become eve n harder for us to course corre ct or actually hear feedback on why we might have gone either too far or not far enough.
- update 2026-03-04
- Dario Amodei starting Anthropic or S cott Alexander supporting it is definitely this sort of blindn ess. I atleast appreciate Scott Alexander for writing about hi s moral blindness. That way the re is atleast some hope that pe ople like me can go and correct him.
update 2026-03-04
It is very important we write down o ur public estimates for who all we killed or hurt and why, eve n if the damage is multiple ste ps in the casual chain from us. Also write down some short rea soning, or atleast write down w hy we didn't invest time into g etting accurate estimates or re asoning. There is a lot of pres sure for us to lie to ourselves and lie to others about this. Almost by default, people of ot her ideologies will dissociate from us and stop giving us feed back where we went wrong. Writi ng things down, very publicly, is an important way to ensure o ur ability to update on feedbac k (on moral questions) doesn't break completely.
update 2026- 03-08
copy-pasted from a conve rsation
- Imagine Buddha is 0 and Hitler is 100. Imagine I am currently 40. I'm saying I wan t to move towards maybe 60 or 7 0.
- I know I anyway can't li terally go to 100.
- Like, not overnight. Unless I undergo hu ge amount of suffering, it's ha rd to change entire value syste m overnight
- But I can make s mall changes that accumulate ov er time. That's it
- So I deli berately want to find someone w ho is not so emotionally sensit ive like me, and work with them , because I know it'll rub off on me also
- Because I think t he world needs someone at 70 at least, because these are the pe ople who actually get power and fix big problems.
- In my exa mple of leaking info, I can sha re more practical examples, it' s not fully theoretical
- I th ink I was at 60 in teenage atle ast in theory, then I moved dow n to 40 after I made friends in college and gotten more freedo m and whatnot.
- But now the ASI risk thing is again pushing me back towards 60. That okay only more violent people can ac tually fix this
- Like the sca le is just violent versus nonvi olent. Willingness to cause har m on others (both enemies and b ystanders) to get good outcome for you. I know I haven't been super formal in defining it
- It's like, theoretically I beli eve only people at 70 or 80 can actually fix this, and I look at myself in practice and I rea lise I'm at 40, and then I deci de okay let's go straight to 80 . Then that makes me miserable. Then I'm like, okay I need to move slowly. But still towards more violent direction only
PaxHeader/X_ stood_with_a_poster_free_listen ing_ear_for_your_problems_at_a_ popular_public_spot_Y_t 00064 4 000765 000024 00000000263 15226205160 042635 x ust ar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text_eng lish/personal/main 150 path=text_english/perso nal/main/X_stood_with_a_poster_ free_listening_ear_for_your_pro blems_at_a_popular_public_spot_ Y_task_failed_successfully.md
2 9 mtime=1784220272.95331631
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# X: Stood wit h a poster "Free listening ear for your problems" at a popular public spot. Y: Task failed su ccessfully
Disclaimer
- perso nal
- target audience - strict ly myself
Main
- Title should be self-explanatory. Printed a n A2 sheet with the words "Free listening ear for your problem s", and stood holding it for fe w hours at a popular public spo t.
- I ran this experiment bec ause I had some hope that this might reduce my resentment of s ociety, if let's say, I got to hear other people's problems. L istening to other people's prob lems is one of the types of con versations (especially with men ) that I still get non-zero joy from.
- However, only 2-3 peo ple approached me. [Details of what I discussed with them are private.]
- Task succeeded in the sense that I was able to st and, and nobody removed me. Sta nding with a poster or distribu te flyers at a popular public s pot is pretty fucking OP as a s trategy, if you want more eyes on literally anything. Converti ng those eyes into something ve luable is harder, however.
text_engl ish/personal/main/what_does_fem ale_coded_ambition_look_like.md 00 0644 000765 000024 000000105 30 15206642566 027646 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-05-31
## Update
- See also: ["Actually agree" v ersus "agree to disagree yet ac cept" versus "do not accept"](. /actually_agree_versus_agree_to _disagree_yet_accept_versus_do_ not_accept.md)
- this post i s attempting to understand type -1 better
2026-05-30
# What d oes female-coded ambition look like?
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly my self
Main
- I think my earlie r hint to go read books on fema le psychology was a bad idea, a nd this is a better idea. What does female-coded ambition look like?
- I don't just mean, wh ich fields do women study more? For that you can just google t he stats, women are more into c hem and bio, men into math and physics, women into psychology and education, etc.
- I mean s omething deeper, like, why are some women ambitious in the fir st place?
- Men naturally comp ete against other men. One obvi ous reason being to climb the s tatus hierarchy and attract wom en. This is not the only reason men compete against each other professionally, but it is one reason.
- Why do women compete ?
- Okay yes, definitely a lot of women compete on looks. Tha t explains why some women would go into makeup/fashion or acti ng or singing or similar. In ge neral, the entertainment indust ry. Looks is a natural status h eirarchy women will climb to co mpete for men. But what else, b esides this? Not all women comp ete on looks alone.
- I don't know. How many women even are t ruly ambitious beyond just achi eving bare minimum financial in dependence? How many women does the world allow to be truly am bitious? Honestly my first ques tion should have been that lmao .
- Lol reminds me of aella's whole sex thingie, yes I can se e why an atypical woman might w ant to optimise hard on having good sex.
- Definitely some wo men are fine with attaching the mselves to a powerful man, and improving this person's decisio n-making or emotional intellige nce or similar. Not all women w ant a "main character" role.
M ain 2
- I should go hunt for s ome books on this maybe. This s eems like a better topic to rea d about.
Main 3
- I guess wit hin STEM, women are more into e xperimental lab work? Like chem or bio. But why? Men are more likely into purely theoretical fields, like theoretical CS, or pure math, or theoretical phys ics.
- Wait, why are the relig ious leaders men? This makes no sense to me. If I was blinded from real world data, I would h ave actually predicted more wom en as religious leaders than me n.
- I understand why self-mad e billionaire is one of the mos t male-coded professions to exi st. Even politicians are more l ikely to be women than billiona ires, because it is a more peop le-oriented profession. Religio us leaders are even more commun ity-oriented, so my natural gue ss would have been that women a re even more suited for it?
- Or is it simply that religious leaders also need to be capable of violence to defend their in group, and hence they're more m ale? I don't know, this does no t track.
- Hinduism is the onl y major traditional religion wi th women as gods tbh. Islam, Ch ristianity and Buddhism are all male.
- (I will avoid publicl y going into details.)
- Okay so there's obviously the whole privilege thing of like, for mo st of human history, women were n't exactly allowed to live ver y solitary individualist lives. And this seems like an importa nt step to becoming a religious leader.
- Lol TIL heaven's ga te was significantly run by a w oman.
- note to self - maybe r ead more about ayn rand. It's a ctually quite countersignalling for a philosophy like hers to be created by a woman. Idk how many women follow Ayn Rand toda y though, it seems to be mostly men who follow it?
- I should also consider selection effect s. Maybe philosophies invented by women just didn't become as popular because no king/politic ian/billionaires was willing to offer patronage to it?
- Okay ursula le guin definitely coun ts, she has lot of followers.
- I don't know, I need to study this more systematically, not using just anecdotes.
Reddit i s annoying
- Reddit is busy ar guing nature versus nurture, an d discrimination and so on, for which fields people go into.
- I don't want to understand wh ich fields people go into, I wa nt to understand why they go in to those fields. Like, a
male physicist and a female physici st could be there for entirely different reasons. This is not mentioned. Ugh
- Okay so this should maybe also be a survey q uestion? Couldn't hurt, if I ca n pay for it.
text _english/personal/main/skyscrap ers_is_that_it.md 000644 000765 000024 0000 0007646 15177753505 024111 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-14
minor u pdate 2026-03-15
# Skyscrapers , is that it?
Disclaimer
- ** Quick Note**
Main
- I've been increasingly thinking about wh at environment is most conduciv e for me to do great work.
- O bviously the people you surroun d yourself with are the most im portant thing. First degree and second degree, in-person conne ctions.
- That being said, I h ave also been considering other stuff like good food, lighting , ensure no substances in my en vironment, etc.
- Was just bro wsing through SF street views o n google maps and I'm like, yes it's cleaner, and there's more skyscrapers, but that's it?
- I visited some skyscrapers in Singapore, it was grand, but I' m pretty sure I'll get bored of it in approximately two weeks.
- I've lived in multiple plac es now, across multiple culture s, so I do have some sense of w hat it's like to get bored of a place, atleast physically.
- I almost want to rant lol.
- What kind of retarded civilisa tion have I been born into? Our physical infrastructure is thi s shit, and we're literally bui lding gods in our computers.
- Thiel's argument on progress in bits not atoms is too intel lectual lol. Like, do you have any idea how different it would feel, physically, to have prog ress in the world in the world of atoms not bits? Can you imag ine?
- Holy shit these peopl e are going to fuck up everythi ng. Grief. I'm just sad, yet ag ain.
- ``
- I'm b ack
- Have you seen those vide os, where they speedrun constru ction of buildings? Forgotten t he proper name for it. If energ y prices drop by even one OOM, from $0.10/kWh to $0.01/kWh, I just imagine that turned up 10x . 10x as many buildings and 10x bigger. I know the actual math is not so simple but it's fun to imagine. Humans building the ir equivalent of anthills basic ally.
- If we had faster eleva tors, I still think it would be a cool experience to live in a skyscraper though. The way thi ngs currently are though, desce nding 50 storey elevator thrice a day just sounds like a pain in the ass. There's incentives to just stock up more stuff so you never have to leave your ro om.
update
- found the talles t building in bangalore. will g o there today to sit and cry lo l. or imagine a nuclear explosi on. or forget about everything. who knows.
- I want an optima l height I think. Not airplane- level height, or Burj Khalifa h eight, but still high enough th at you can see individual peopl e from the top.
update
- moth erfucker these people ruined th e place with party music. no of fence intended to them
- lol I seem to generally prefer venue s without other people, be it c afes or places to eat or even j ust places at a height, from wh ere I can see stuff. median hum an vibes are just ... bad. like , I am implicitly assigning hig h probability that median human doesnt know or care about ASI risk. And then I'm like, get ou t of my face lol.
- the place is beautiful otherwise. sunligh t is amazing, view is amazing, and yes it satisfies my optimal height criteria. Initial thoug hts are yeah, I wouldn't mind l iving in a place like this. Not my priority but also, couldn't hurt.
- has anyone figured ou t white noise that doesnt suck? or is this an unsolveable prob lem?
update
- some thoughts
- I am sad I dont know the h undreds of thought streams goin g through the hundreds of peopl e in all the cars I can see. I dont know how to put words to t he emotion I feel watching each of them die, in my mind's eye.
- I wonder what it would fe el like to have direct access t o their thought streams. I real ise yet again that humans are t he most violent species on this planet, and this is connected to their endless ability to pla y reputation games and scheme w ith each other. Every single pe rson I can see right now is pla ying a reputation game with som eone or the other. Most of them are doing it to endlessly accu mulate capital. Some are doing it for other reasons.
text_english/pe rsonal/main/competence_ceilings _are_very_high.md 000644 000765 000024 00000000573 152 05254637 026205 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-05-26
# Competence ceili ngs are very high
disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- The m edian human is so incompetent i t is kind of ridiculous, and th e most competent humans are so competent it is also kind of ri diculous. Important for me to r emember, that just because I ge t disappointed by median human, doesn't mean that is all that exists.
text_english/p ersonal/main/everything_is_so_d eeply_entangled.md 000644 000765 000024 00000002731 15 177753505 026262 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-02-13
# Everything is s o deeply entangled
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- **Contains politically sensitive info**
Main
- The basic version of th is post is something I realised back in 2023 itself, although the exact details of all entang lements are something I am stil l figuring out as of 2026.
- I t is very easy to say "personal is political" as some armchair philosopher and it is entirely different to actually experien ce all this shit first-hand.
- 'who I choose to criticise ver sus not' is entangled with 'who I do want should be high or lo w status in society to deal wit h ASI'. This is entangled with 'who do I actually like or disl ike, and why, independent of wh at I think society should do'. This is entangled with 'why are people like me my bitterest en emies and why are people unlike me my potential allies'. This is entangled with 'does there e ven exist such a thing called u nconditional love? are most peo ple capable of it? why is every one lying to themselves and eac h other that they are capable o f it if they are not?'. This is entangled to 'narcissism of sm all differences and why does ev eryone start the bitterest bloo d feuds with their nearest neig hbours'
- Honestly there are a tleast 7 steps sitting on this chain even becore I started cri ticising lots of people re: ASI , to the extent I do now. I spe nt atleast a full year just thi nking about information policie s before I concluded that being this level of transparent abou t what I am doing is the best b et for me.
text_english /personal/main/dance.md 00064 4 000765 000024 00000000306 15240064107 020345 0 ust ar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-08-15
# Dance
Discla imer
- personal
- target audi ence - friends and potential fr iends
Main
- As of 2026-08-15 , I am learning salsa.
- [Cann ot share any more details for p rivacy reasons]
text_englis h/personal/main/pray_to_zeus_pr ay_to_poseidon.md 0006 44 000765 000024 00000000346 15231323100 025446 0 us tar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-07-26
# Pray to Zeus . Pray to Poseidon
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- I wo nder when the people of the wor ld will get to this level of de sparation when it comes to ASI risk. Fun thought
text_engli sh/personal/main/report_I_did_x _response_was_y.md 000 644 000765 000024 0000000253 1 15214754367 025366 0 u star 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-06-18
# Report "I d id X, response was Y"
Disclaim er
- personal
- target audien ce - strictly myself
Main
- I wrote (yet another) post on AI timelines today. The post is n ot bad in quality. However, I r egret writing it and burning al most an entire day the process.
- It ic **correct** that I am finding it emotionally aversiv e to write on my website. I hav e correctly identified that I a m hiting diminishing returns to pure theorising on many topics - be it morality, be it that c yberattack wala document, be it dating - and I need to now int eract with reality more and get more data. I have correctly id entified that I need to write m ore code, and write less words.
- Try to enforce this on your future posts. More of your pos ts should be of the form "I did X, response was Y." This means you're reporting actual contac t with reality, as opposed to e ndless theorising.
Example
- I opened twitter today to cold DM some more people, however I finally DMed nobody and it was painful at the end of it. First there was the actual pain that going through twitter can indu ce then a second hand effect of oh, whatever little time you h ad left today to work, that als o you have burned.
- "I opened twitter today to cold DM some more people" is X, and the rest of the sentence is Y.
- Ideal ly document more important acti ons than this, although this al so counts.
text_eng lish/personal/main/dating_and_m y_outlier_traits.md 0 00644 000765 000024 00000013 252 15207735103 025231 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-06-03
# Dating an d my outlier traits
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- I d on't know, this is like nth dat ing post. I will compile all of this into something coherent l ater on.
- I am vaguely worrie d I am writing all of this out of a neuroticism / desperation. There's definitely non-zero of that going on. But also, I thi nk I am trying to solve a real problm not just for myself pers onally, but for the world as a whole.
- side note - I just wa nt a hug from someone who cares . I miss hugs. Hugs make me fee l safe.
- In this post I will list only traits on which I can say I am in outlier as compare d to population. Like, 80 perce ntile or 90 percentile.
- This is actually a little bit hard to do. Sometimes the things I v alue in myself and the things o ther people value in me are ent irely different, and I may not even be aware of the latter. St ill, let me try.
List
- Prote ctiveness
- I think I am an outlier in terms of being ratio nal yet protective at same time .
- There are stupid ways of being protective where you get into male aggression contests and so on. There is a stupid wa y of being protective where you might risk your life when it i sn't actually needed.
- But also, when it is rational to do so, I can even risk my life to protect people I care about.
- When it comes to life-or-de ath situations, I think I have a selfishness that would surpri se people **and** an altruism t hat would surprise people. (But also, I think a lot of people will surprise each other when i t comes to life-or-death situat ions).
- Like, if I have to risk 10% chance of me dying to save a loved one, I might just do that, and I might not need a ll that much time to decide. Vi ce versa, if it is a kill-or-be -killed situation where literal ly either I die or I kill my lo ved one, I might just kill my l oved one, and again I might not need that much time to decide. It will be painful ofcourse, b ut I can just be like 'yes, the math says do X, so go do X.' [ 1]
- Or even in say, train a ccident I have been in, or when I got robbed or similar, I jus t trusted like okay what does t he math say about what I should do next. Should I run away, sh ould I call the police, should I do nothing, etc
- Rational
- I am definitely an outlier in terms of being a rational pe rson all the way down. Like, I don't just use rationality to s olve math problems. It is also everyday things like, okay what is the probability of getting into an accident here, how much time will I lose if I do X, wh at are the top ways of solving XYZ, and so on. I think most pe ople have some blindspots where they sometimes unintentionally sometimes intentionally avoid being rational about it. I am s ure I have some blindspots too, but they're narrower than a lo t of people, and I have more se lf-awareness about where these blindspots lie I think? Unsure.
- IQ
- So obvious as to no t be worth mentioning but I am definitely among top 90 percent ile IQ
- Note taking
- If I was with someone for many year s, I would literally have hundr eds of pages of notes about the m. This is my way of doing sens e-making. I basically buy the w hole Ray Dalio thesis that if y ou capture more info about peop le, you can design better socia l stuff at both individual and group level. With friends I jus t often forget what is even in my own notes, but I can imagine putting more effort for a part ner.
- Willingness to play lon g-term game, but also pivot a l ot
- I don't know. Many peop le genuinely claim to want long -term relationship and long-ter m career. But when they envisio n this what they actually mean is something boring and stable.
- I hate boring and stable with a passion. But also I want to maintain long-term relation ships (platonic and romantic bo th) that survive despite all th e life pivots I make. I have so me friendships with people I've known for over 10 years and I am happy about that.
- I am definitely in top 90 percentile in having a life mission that isn't just boring money, career , family, sex, etc
- Willingne ss to be extremely independent, willingness to be disliked by people
- Self-explanatory. I am fairly low status seeking
- Creativity
- I'm not sure if I am in 90 percentile here o r not but I can be creative yes . I never figured how to do it an organised way though, like f iction writers or artists or si milar, maybe I just never prior itised that skill.
- Protectiv e of other person's independenc e
- Just as I am fiercely wi lling to guard my own independe nce, I am also willing to be as fierce about guarding other pe ople's independence. Can be val uable especially in India, wher e parents and others want contr ol over women's decisions with career and marriage and similar . I actually often want more in dependence for people than they want for themselves, which can cause issues. I guess I would be valuable to a narrow subset of women who also want to be fi ercely independent.
- Honesty
- I am probably in 90 percen tile when it comes to honesty t o a partner, but I am not sure. I think many people are honest , but many people also tell whi te lies for social reasons. I c an tell white lies to the publi c but not to people I love.
[1 ] Side Note
- Maybe explore th is more? What changes between 1 0% p(death) and 100% p(death) t hat shifts you from extremely a ltruistic to extremely self-int erested?
- I think one factor is definitely poor rule of law in India. If you can threaten people and show you are capable of violence, you very often do n't actually need to engage in any violence.
- Imagine I was living in a utopian country wit h perfect rule of law, would I still endorse these claims? I d on't know, it seems a lot more plausible that I literally woul d not have thought about the to pic, or spent less time thinkin g about it.
text_english/pers onal/main/once_a_month_write_do wn_your_net_worth_in_your_priva te_notes.md 000644 00 0765 000024 00000001113 15235 317076 034051 0 ustar 00 samuel staff 000000 000000 2 026-08-07
# Once a month, writ e down your net worth in your p rivate notes
Disclaimer
- per sonal
- target audience - stri ctly myself
Main
- Title is s elf-explanatory.
- I think the practical takeaway is just thi s.
- My earlier escapist fanta sies around this:
- See als o: [Masculine urge to put your entire networth in Nvidia far O TM calls](./masculine_urge_to_p ut_your_entire_networth_in_nvid ia_far_otm_calls.md)
- No, I am not buying Nvidia calls. Th e CoI point is true. Burn them into the ground, don't invest i n them.
- I will start from 20 26-09-01 for uh .. reasons.
text_english/personal/main/I_wa nt_to_feel_chosen.md 000644 000765 000024 00000006267 15237100761 023567 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 0000 00 2026-08-12
# I want to feel chosen
Disclaime r
- personal
- target audienc e - strictly myself
Main
- I know I said minimise theoretica l posts, write only X-Y posts. I can't help myself though. I w ill be writing this post anyway .
- I want sex, but I don't wa nt it that badly or urgently. I want it ofcourse, no denying t hat. But also, it's not the end of the world if it takes some time to find.
- I want a relat ionship full of love, but I als o don't want it that badly or u rgently. I want it too. But aga in, it's not the end of the wor ld if it takes some to find.
- Most of all, I think I want to feel chosen, and this is what I am craving most urgently and desperately. I think there is s omething deeply subsconscious w ithin me that feels more like a person if someone chooses me. The difference between being re jected by 99% of society and 10 0% of society feels intense to me.
- This is an annoyingly st atus-driven emotion lol, I just realised.
---
Update
- Some notes this prompted:
- Mayb e this is also why thinking abo ut my past relationship makes m e feel more safe and less anxio us. Atleast someone chose me.
- This quote by Naval Ravikan t:
> My mother uniquely provid ed, against the background of h ardship, unconditional and unfa iling love. If you have nothing in your life, but you have at least one person that loves you unconditionally, it’ll do wo nders for your self-esteem.
- Some more notes I am less sure are actually relevant.
- My guess is if a woman (who I lik ed) told me they considered me brave for wanting to bomb TSMC, even while the whole world tho ught me weird or dangerous or w hatever, I might fall in love w ith them, atleast in the moment . I just want one person to acc ept this side of me, that is cl early very important to me. (Bu t irl, most women, atleast who I encounter, don't really under stand this at all, or they have stupid reasons to be anti-AI, and hence even if they agree it will be for stupid reasons.)
- Yudkowsky on Lonely Dissent . Still one of my favourite art icles on the internet.
- Maybe I just want unconditional acce ptance? I don't know.
- Like , if a woman agrees with me reg arding bombing TSMC for leftist anti-AI reasons, this does not satisfy me because this is jus t luck that we both happen to a gree on this point, tomorrow we might disagree on some other p oint.
- Whereas I am looking for something closer to uncond itional acceptance, which I don 't really believe exists, so wh y am I looking for it?
- I w ant to fuck a lot of women who I don't seem to intellectually respect, like, at all. Why do I expect them to intellectually agree with me? That's so stupid .
- I will cut short this note to avoid going into yet anothe r introspective loop. Go back t o following X-Y rule.
---
Upd ate 2
- Holy shit I just reali sed my current life plan is als o downstream of this.
- "The re is no such thing as uncondit ional love. There is no such th ing as a person who can be entr usted with your secrets with ab ove 99% probability. There will always be someone who turns ag ainst at a sufficient price poi nt. This is why we can succeed at paying people inside social circles of people working at US AI comapnies and US govt to de fect against them and leak thei r information."
text_english/personal/main/ make_art.md 000644 000765 0000 24 00000003457 15177753505 021 110 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-15
# Make art?
Disclaimer
- **Q uick Note**
- **Contains polit ically sensitive info**
Main
- Spending more time at the top of this building and visualisi ng everyone die, I am increasin gly wondering if I should make more art.
- Purely from an eff ectiveness standpoint, I think artwork that reaches 100M peopl e and doompills 20M people for example, is as effective as say , a leak that shifts 20M votes.
- It is just that art is an e xtremely competed over field. T his includes AI visual art or A I music or similar. I am outlie r high in terms of imagination so maybe I can beat them, but i t is not straightforward.
- I have a much better shot at maki ng art that reaches the few tho usand people working full-time on ASI risk. If I can use artwo rk to get a lot of them to chan ge their career paths to stuff I want (like mass protests), th at could end up working.
- Ugh this is a hard call to make. I still think leaking info is hi gher EV, but this seems like a hard call to make, without actu ally investing multiple more ye ars of my life doing each of th ese.
- As Naval puts it, softw are is higher EV than media.
W hat to visualise
- I visualise d individual deaths via heart a ttack or similar, and a nuclear explosion, and a software app affecting lots of people differ ently, and other stuff.
- Watc hing a nuclear explosion in per son must be so much more intens e than watching it on a video s creen. I can't wait until we ha ve photorealistic cameras and s creens, with depth perception a nd stuff. The subtle eye moveme nts that I make that let me do depth perception, make this win dow so much more realistic as c ompared to if it was a screen d isplaying the same thing.
- I should attach a photo tbh, wait .
text_engl ish/personal/main/X_swam_in_14_ foot_pool_Y_good_day.md 00 0644 000765 000024 000000047 22 15255262717 025763 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-09-24
# X: Swam in 14 foot pool. Y: Good day
Dis claimer
- personal
- target a udience - strictly myself
Main
- I was otherwise losing moti vation to work in the middle of the day. Glad I got enough pro ductive work done, and went swi mming in a deep pool (first tim e ever!) just like I wanted to.
- I couldn't figure out how t o touch the bottom. I figured o ut you need to breathe out, and yes you do fall deeper when yo u do, but I still didn't reach the bottom. After that need to actively use arms I think. I do n't have enough lung capacity t o hold breath for that long. It is definitely atleast partiall y a psychological game. I can e asily make atleast 4 strokes to come back up (hence I should b e able to reach the top even if I started from the bottom), bu t mild level of reflexive actio n (as opposed to actually think ing) starts triggering for me a fter the 2nd stroke itself.
Ma in 2
- I miss the version of m e that was capable of just enjo ying visiting a mall with frien ds. I still do this occasionall y but it is not as fun. (Depend s on who I go with, as well.)
- I miss the version of me that could derive pleasure out of r andom girl in class measuring m y pulse. This was back in class 1 or 2 or something, if I reme mber correctly. I miss the vers ion of me that could enjoy expl aining Inception movie plot to a senior. This was in middle sc hool.
- I still can do these t hings, they just feel more mute d. I have more judgement and mo re apathy for the median girl, also ofcourse the people I meet now are closer to my current a ge hence older than the people I met as a kid.
Main 3
- A go od part of military training ki nd of sucks actually. AFAIK the main benefits are stuff like y ou become more confident (downs tream of actual competence, phy sical and mental) and you have a group you bond deeply with. S hared experiences of suffering bond people.
- I seem to just want the military training (or atleast the noob ass civilian v ersion of it), but don't have t he shared group.
Main 4
- I c oin the phrase "Sad 4D effect" to refer to the phenomenon wher e when I am happy, I want to be more in the present in the mom ent and not analyse too much, h owever when I am sad I want to record what happened in 4K reso lution, then introspect deeply to figure out what went wrong a nd how to fix it. As a result, a majority of my notes are made while unhappy.
- I made today 's note deliberately to counter act the "Sad 4D effect". Otherw ise I actually didn't feel that strongly about making today's note lol.
text_e nglish/personal/main/why_are_yo utube_growth_curves_exponential _not_superexponential.md 000644 000765 000024 000000 01225 15177753505 034462 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-03-19
# Why are youtube growth curves exponent ial not superexponential?
Disc laimer
- **Quick Note**
- **C ontains politically sensitive i nfo**
Main
- In theory, all t he authoritarian govts of the w orld should have fallen already , atleast based on my understan ding of how youtube works. Some one outside each country should have used youtube to topple th eir govt already. In practice t hey have not.
- Maybe I should publish log(view count) graphs of every such youtuber.
2026- 03-27
## Update
- I cannot p ublish this list as it is polit ically sensitive, although it i s literally just one AI search away. In fact I might take down this post as well.
text_english/persona l/main/poker.md 000644 00076 5 000024 00000000527 15177753 505 020440 0 ustar 00sam uel st aff 0 00000 000000 2026 -01-21
# Poker
As of 2026-01, I am not yet good enough at po ker to make it into a full-time career. Also don't think it wo uld be a good use of my time, t o invest into getting good at p oker. Lost atleast 10k INR and half month of my time back in 2 025, trying to see if I have go tten good
Haseeb Qureshi's boo k on poker strategy is good.
text_english/person al/main/excited_to_meet_a_frien d.md 000644 0007 65 000024 00000000204 1525253 2041 024260 0 ustar 00sa muel s taff 000000 000000 202 6-09-16
# Excited to meet a fr iend
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly mys elf
Main
- Title self-explana tory
text_english/perso nal/main/withholding_sex_might_ not_be_an_effective_persuasion_ strategy.md 000644 000 765 000024 00000004745 151777 53505 034133 0 ustar 00s amuel staff 000000 000000 20 26-04-02
# Withholding sex mig ht not be an effective persuasi on strategy
Disclaimer
- Thin king aloud. Might not endorse t his after a lot of thought.
- **Contains politically sensitiv e info**
Main
- One of the wa ys both socially far-left and f ar-right ideology spread is by withholding sex and relationshi ps from those not belonging to the same ideology. People only want to date within their own i deological cluster.
- This cre ates suffering and subsequent p olarisation, as people who are unable to get relationships can become resentful of the other gender or the other political p osition. Atleast in US for exam ple, there is clear data that m en on average lean more sociall y right as compared to women.
- Usually this is not strategic . Average leftist woman is not thinking "I will withhold sex f rom socially right-leaning men in order to cause them to suffe r, and thus spread my ideology" . Instead they are thinking "I dont like hanging out with righ t-leaning men, they are morally not good people." There's defi nitely some people who strategi cally create ideology like this though.
- I'm not very convin ced that this is an effective p ersuasion strategy.
- On one hand, you do have examples lik e 1960s counterculture in US or Serbian protest movements wher e movements only took off after they were able to provide sex (and associated high status) to the people leading the protest s.
- On the other hand, I ca n't make the math work in my he ad. If there is a surplus of me n who are against the prevailin g orthodoxy (whether that is so cially left leaning or socially right leaning), they have two choices - they can either hide or be less aggressively upfront about their political position and get into relationships, or they can stay single and hold on to their current political p osition.
- Average person is not that radical that they're simply unwilling to have relati onship across the political div ide. There will be plenty of re lationships where one side is j ust less upfront (but not neces sarily actively lying) about th eir political position and the relationship would still last.
- Actually polarising the en tire population to do Anything is extremely hard. Having a few radicals on both sides doesn't change the math for the majori ty population.
- Actual mass v iolence on the other hand is qu ite effective. You can simply s uppress the truth about a polit ical position and most of the p ublic can end up unaware of it at all. See also: 1984. But I a m not convinced withholding sex is that effective.
even_if_I_have_ to_go_personally_bomb_these_peo ple_one_day_I_will_do_it_with_a _smile_on_my_face.md 000644 000765 000024 00000000471 152 36262140 042357 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text_englis h/personal/main 2026-08-10
# Even if I have t o go personally bomb these peop le one day, I will do it with a smile on my face
Disclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- Repea ting a point I have previously mentioned, so that it sticks. Y ou can have fun even while plan ning the most serious of measur es.
text_english/p ersonal/main/frogboil_peoples_b oundaries.md 000644 000765 000024 00000002026 15 256430700 025044 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-09-28
# Frogboil people 's boundaries
Disclaimer
- pe rsonal
- target audience - str ictly myself
Main
- In my ear lier zero privacy discussions, on one hand I noticed that a lo t of things in the world would improve if everyone had no priv acy. But on the other hand, if I had to try and implement this world literally today, I would have to go violate a lot of pe ople's stated boundaries and th is made me feel bad.
- At the same time, I also believe that the average person is really st upid (i.e. not thinking long-te rm) when deciding how to live t heir life, so even many of thei r stated boundaries are based o n stupid reasons.
- The answer seems to be to basically frogb oil people's boundaries? Put th e incentives against the people , make it so that each individu al choice feels only mildly coe rced as opposed to being made a t gunpoint, but once the people have made N consecutive choice s this way, eventually you have gotten what you want.
- (This is not an original insight ofc ourse, many leaders already kno w that this is the Way.)
text_english /personal/main/swimming.md 00064 4 000765 000024 00000000265 15237317444 021144 0 ust ar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-08-13
# Swimming
Dis claimer
- personal
- target a udience - friends and potential friends
Main
- I am not a ve ry good swimmer, but I find it fun, atleast once in a while.
text_englis h/personal/main/my_people.md 0006 44 000765 000024 00000016145 15177753505 021314 0 us tar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2024-06-13
# My people
U ntil recently I modelled my rel ationships primarily in terms o f commitments.
Now however I t hink this model is incomplete, and there should also be a mode l for "relationships as shared values/beliefs". Shared values/ beliefs make it easier to do mu ltiple interactions over time. The model below only talks abou t isolated interactions.
Also "relationships as shared activi ties" and "relationships as emo tional support" can be expanded more in depth. I will update t his document when I have more c larity on all this.
#### "Rela tionships as commitments" model
Reasons to have people in you r life:
- personalised advice or knowledge transfer
- one- time or emergency (a)
- regu lar (a?A?)
- shared activities
- one-time (a)
- regular (A)
- physical intimacy
- one-time (pa)
- regular (PA)
- emotional support
- emer gency/one-time (pa)
- regula r (PA)
- financial support
- emergency/one-time (c)
- r egular (C)
- logistical suppor t
- emergency/one-time (p?a? )
- regular (P?A?)
Heuristi cs
- Scarce resources include attention/time (labelled A), ca pital (labelled C) and place (l abelled P).
- Place
- Regul ar emotional support and physic al intimacy are the most depend ent on living in the same place as the other person.
- Logi stical support may or may not b e dependent on living in the sa me place as the other person.
- Attention/time
- Usually i f someone requires significant emotional support, they need it regularly over some time perio d instead of one-time only. Exc eptions exist.
- Regular sha red activities require signific ant time investment.
- Regul ar emotional support and physic al intimacy require significant time investment.
- Logistic al support may or may not requi re significant time investment.
- Personalised advice can g enerally be provided quickly, b ut teaching someone a new skill or worldview can require signi ficant time investment. If the advice or knowledge is not pers onalised, it can usually be acq uired from internet without con suming someone else's attention .
- Capital
- Providing inv estment or loan requires a cert ain amount of trust in the indi vidual or system around them th at protects this investment or loan. Trust levels and systems vary depending on country and s ocioeconomic class.
- Provid ing donation to someone does no t require the same type of trus t, but is obviously more costly .
- Capital can be used to p urchase many types of logistica l support.
- Not scarce
- R eceiving and giving advice, and one-off casual interactions do not require a lot of time inve stment.
What I can offer to ot hers as of 2025-05
- Place-sca rce
- I have not yet finalis ed a long-term location to live in for many years.
- Attentio n-scarce
- I am careful abo ut promising regular emotional support or intimacy to anyone. I might offer this to someone d epending on the person and circ umstances.
- I have promise d emergency emotional and logis tical support to a set of peopl e I consider close. I am open t o expanding this set to include more people.
- I'll prov ide a 6-month notice period if I ever want to break these comm itments.
- I'm hoping mos t of these commitments last mul tiple decades.
- (If you 're unsure if you're on this li st, please message me and ask.)
- I'm unlikely to offer re gular logistical support to any one. Exceptions may exist.
- C apital-scarce
- I am unlikel y to offer regular financial su pport to anyone who asks. Excep tions may exist. (I might hire someone, but I consider that di fferent as I'm getting somethin g in return.)
- I might offe r one-time financial support to someone depending on the perso n and circumstances.
- I h ave done this before.
- I am open to requests for the sam e. If you are asking me for fin ancial support, it will help yo ur case if you have:
- a good reputation verifiable by your social circle, and they ar e informed about the support yo u've received from me
- what a bank would consider cred it-worthy, such as a source of income or collateral
- Not sca rce
- I can offer advice to wide variety of people during m y lifetime. (Whether my advice is any good is a harder questio n, I'd like to atleast offer av erage advice to most people and great advice to some people.)
- I can have one-time (or fe w-times) casual interactions wi th a wide variety of people dur ing my lifetime.
What I want/n eed from others as of 2025-05
- Place-scarce
- I have not yet finalised a long-term locat ion to live in for many years.
- Attention-scarce
- I am u nsure about what types of emoti onal support I want from others . I am still in exploration pha se.
- I am open to finding l ong-term partner for intimacy. See my [date me](./date_me.md) document for more.
- I am tr usting a handful of people I kn ow to offer emergency logistica l support when I need it. Havin g more such allies couldn't hur t, including more trustworthy a nd more capable ones.
- I am unsure which shared activities I would like to regularly enga ge in. I am still in exploratio n phase.
- Capital-scarce
- I am trusting a handful of peo ple I know to offer emergency f inancial support. I think there is very low probability that I will actually end up using thi s.
- I want donation for pro jects I want to work on. See my [donate to me](./donate_to_me_ asi_leaks.md) documents for mor e.
- I can be hired for a bi g enough salary. See my [hire m e](./hire_me.md) document for m ore.
- Not scarce
- I want to get advice from a wide varie ty of people. I am likely to ig nore a lot of advice though. I especially want trustworthy adv ice from people a) with similar life goals as me, and b) with empirical data of outcomes of p eople with similar life goals a s me.
- I want to have more one-time (or few-times) casual interactions with a wide variet y of people in my life.
Ask do n't guess
- If you want to req uest anything from me, feel fre e to ask. You don't have to gue ss and pre-emptively reject you rself, it is much better to ask .
- I am comfortable rejecting requests I cannot fulfill, and I will generally try not to ma ke you feel uncomfortable for m aking very personal requests. ( If you're still concerned, send me an anonymous email.)
- I g enerally think of myself as a h elpful person. As long as you'r e not asking me for a large amo unt of a scarce resource (like time, capital, etc) there's a h igh probability I will help you .
Who?
- If we share topics o f curiosity or similar ways of thinking on a day-to-day basis, then too I am likely to want t o spend time interacting with y ou.
- I value novelty and ideo logical diversity. If I find no velty in my interaction with yo u, it is likely this means eith er you have deviated from socia l norms in some way, or you bel ong to a group whose social nor ms differ from the groups I hav e spent time in. If either of t hese is true about you, I am li kely to find you interesting.
- Getting into my inner circle (to receive significant support from mine) can usually be done by fitting into one of the abo ve clusters plus having a signi ficant number of shared experie nces with me. There may be othe r ways to do it; I don't have a deep understanding of why I fi nd people interesting or worth spending time with.
per sonal/main/never_say_impossible _always_say_my_current_guess_is _this_is_bad_ROI_on_my_time.md 000644 000765 000024 000 00001177 15177753505 037350 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text_english 2026-03-06
# Neve r say "impossible", always say "my current guess is this is ba d ROI on my time"
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note**
- target audi ence - myself
Main
- Increasi ngly important to keep in mind.
- Given a few lifetimes, I co uld literally become a god - pe rfect knowledge, absolute power , optimal love, perfect harmony with others, and so on.
- Unf ortunately I don't have a few l ifetimes, I am counting every w eek of wasted time as pushing m e towards total annihilation.
- Never eliminate a plan becaus e you think it's impossible. Ag gressively prune and eliminate plans where the ROI of investin g your time into it, looks bad.
text_english/pers onal/main/fucking_hate_coworkin g_spaces.md 000644 00 0765 000024 00000001124 15177 753505 025361 0 ustar 00 samuel staff 000000 000000 2 026-03-10
# Fucking hate cowor king spaces
Disclaimer
- **Qu ick Note**
- target audience - strictly myself
Main
- Compl etely unsurprising for me at th is point, but yet another datap oint that coworking spaces are not for me. Have a closed physi cal space where only you and yo ur immediate collaborators are there, not random ass people. B eing reminded of existence of r andom people pings your attenti on in a bad way, background noi se worsens your focus, using wh ite noise doesn't help either a s white noise distracts you and slows you down. And yes, I've tried different white noise for mats.
text_english/personal/main/I_lo ve_locked_out_of_heaven_by_brun o_mars.md 000644 000765 000024 00000001156 15245346223 027666 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 0000 00 2026-09-01
# I love "locked out of heaven" by bruno mars
Disclaimer
- pers onal
- target audience - stric tly myself
Main
- [link to so urce](https://www.youtube.com/w atch?v=e-fA-gBCkj0)
- I wonder what billionaire parties look like lol.
- Like, I want to fi gure out how people with billio naire-level power can still bui ld community that helps them ha ve this much fun. Merge MtG Bla ck and MtG White.
- Like, clea rly the type of party being dep icted in the video is not that fun if it is with a bunch of pe ople you don't know or don't tr ust. irl version of this is a c ommunity of people who actually know each other.
personal/main/ moral_lines_should_never_be_dra wn_along_class_lines_this_is_a_ sacred_value_for_me.md 000644 000765 000024 00000002011 15 177753505 037776 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 text_engli sh 2026-03-21
# Moral lines sho uld never be drawn along class lines. This is a sacred value f or me.
Disclaimer
- **Quick N ote**
Main
- The more I think about it, the more it becomes clear: One thing that makes me truly angry is this pervasive b ut false belief in society (atl east within my socioeconomic cl ass) that the upper class is ba d, and our class is good, and h ence the upper class as a whole deserves less, morally speakin g, than people of our own upper -middle / middle class
- Polit icians and billionaires as a wh ole, should **never** be the ou tgroup for any initiative I wor k on. Period.
- Some specific politicians and billionaires ca n be the outgroup, sure. But th e entire upper class as a whole should never be the outgroup.
P.S. If you pick a randomly se lected person of my class and a randomly selected person of th e upper class, there is a highe r probability I respect the per son of the upper class. Atleast they are serious about somethi ng, whereas people of my class are more often not serious abou t anything.
text_english /personal/main/you_can_joke_abo ut_violence_too_actually.md 00064 4 000765 000024 00000001466 15212423313 027602 0 ust ar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-06-11
# You can joke about violence too, actually
D isclaimer
- personal
- target audience - strictly myself
Ma in
- See my earlier notes on V isakan and joking about things and balanced amount of meaning, and why I don't feel like joki ng about violence, and why humo ur is a hard-to-fake signal of having resolved internal confli ct. This is a continuation of t hose notes.
- Maybe I'm just d oing better now mentally, have had more time to process it all or whatever, but now I totally feel you can joke about violen ce too.
- "Like, ya, in the wo rst case we will kill all of th em, lol, deal with it."
- You can have a devil-may-care attit ude even to this topic.
- Othe r people disagreeing with you o r calling you a bad person will not affect you if you have int ernal moral clarity that you're on the right path.
text_english/personal/main /X_attended_a_social_event_Y_me dium_importance_all_notes_priva te.md 000644 000765 000 024 00000001301 15220262200 03 4234 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-06-28
# X: Attended a social event. Y: Medium importance, all note s private
Disclaimer
- person al
- target audience - strictl y myself
Main
- Title is self -explanatory.
- Some public no tes
- Complimented some peop le. Feel satisfied. Tell people if you like their dress. Tell people if you like them. Tell p eople if you appreciate their s ense of humour. Tell whatever. Life is very short. I am going to die and I don't want to die with regrets.
- Like, some b asic social calculation is stil l useful ofcourse, you don't ha ve to tell someone you like the m the literal first time you me et. But also, err on the side o f telling if the alternate is y ou never see each other again, for example.
text_engl ish/personal/main/preconditiona l_versus_postconditional_love.m d 00 0644 000765 000024 000000027 55 15177753505 030264 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2026-02-09
# Pre-condit ional versus post-conditional l ove
Disclaimer
- **Quick Note **
- **Incomplete**
Main
- I think atleast some people woul d endorse the following dating strategy. "Have high standards for who to marry. Have multiple criteria. But once you're marr ied, commit to loving them unco nditionally for life, even if t hey change a lot with time"
- I ... don't actually understand this?
- In my head these two things literally contradict eac h other. But explaining how exa ctly is non-trivial. Will sit a nd type it out later.
---
202 6-02-13
[Richard Ngo's comment ](https://x.com/RichardMCNgo/st atus/1872108884049170712?s=20) at first glance seems more soph isticated but it's actually not ?
- My counter is something li ke - how do you actually know y our future self won't prioritis e pursuit of political/economic power over keeping your future marriage intact, when you make any promises whatsoever to you r partner today? When you're ac tually inside the situation it' s probably not going to feel li ke "I will use my love as a bar gaining chip against my partner " but instead more like "My par tner doesnt seem to care about anything I care about for a pre tty long time now, and we feel disconnected to each other, and therefore breaking up is the o nly option left"
- The net res ult either way is that the actu al message your partner will he ar in this situation is "My par tner is literally incapable of loving me unless I do what they want, and therefore their love for me is in fact conditional now"
text_en glish/personal/main/my_blog_fro m_2018/books_Ive_read.md 000644 000765 000024 0000000 5724 15177753505 025364 0 ustar 00samuel staff 000000 000000 2018-11-20
# Books I' ve read
I used to read a lot o f Enid Blyton's as a kid.
Here 's an attempt at listing some ( most certainly not all) of the books I've read in the past few years. I would most certainly not consider myself an avid rea der, and am open to new recomme ndations.
Stuff I read when I was younger
1. The Hunger Game s series - Amazing series. Rema ins till date one of the best t hings I've ever read. I read Mo ckingjay like 10 times atleast, not kidding (probably had noth ing better to do).
2. Maze Runn er series - It's okay. Basicall y a thriller that is cleverly s et in a world where the author can create effect without compr omising too much on the logical part.
3. Murderous maths serie s by Kjartan Poskitt, Horrible history/science books (All scho lastic publications) - They do a seriously good job at what th ey attempt to do, combine humou r with interesting, often unkno wn facts related to history/sci ence/maths. I'd recommend "Code s: How to make them and break t hem" to anyone without prior kn owledge of cryptography. If you 're into history (or even if yo u aren't, since it's 75% humour anyways) you could try "Horrib le history of the 21st century.
3. Hardy Boys books - They wer e alright
4. Diary of a Wimpy K id - Read these only because my brother bought every one of th em
5. Deltora quest, rowan of r in, and other books by emily ro dda - Comes with strong recomme ndation. They're fantasy books and fairly inventive.
6. Daddy- long-legs - Yep, lol, that's th e name. Old book but you might like it. It is somewhat slow so be prepared for that. The endi ng is good.
7. Digital fortress by Dan Simmons - Worst book I' ve ever read. I was somewhat re commended this by a friend so I asked, when you use the word ' code', do you mean encryption c ode or do you mean programming code? Friend was like, idk. Aft er reading the book I see why. There is no amount of reality-b ending that will be sufficient to create a world where a Dan S immons book actually makes sens e.
More recent stuff
Of late however, I've lost interest in reading because the stuff I fin d .... just isn't imaginative e nough I guess?
So I tried look ing for highly imaginative book s; ended up reading Hyperion (D an Simmons) and Dune (Frank Her bert). Both are impresssive in their own way, Dune for the fac t that it was quite imaginative for its time, and Hyperion for the sheer number of details an d words that have been created and used together. Neither is a n easy book to read though, the y're loaded with self-invented jargon. And that's the reason I 'm not motivated to read one mo re of the same type. I could pe rhaps try a sci-fi book that do esn't use as much unknown vocab ulary.
I read most of Factfuln ess (Hans Rosling), and would r ecommend it. It's about cogniti ve biases we tend to face when dealing with the facts thrown a t us by various media sources.
Hitchhikers' guide to the gala xy is great too.
I'm open to b ook recommendations in general, but you'll also have to tell m e what the book is about and wh y you feel I should read it :P text_english/person al/main/my_blog_from_2018/learn _basics_of_programming_in_an_ho ur.md 000644 0007 65 000024 00000034166 1517775 3505 032367 0 ustar 00sa muel s taff 000000 000000 202 6-04-02
## Repost note
- As o f 2026, I probably don't recomm end the below tutorial if you'r e learning to code. w3schools p robably has better tutorials, f or example.
2018-11-20
# Lear n basics of programming in an h our
This is mainly for those w ho have no prior experience in programming.
The emphasis is o n understanding programming fro m a logical point of view so th at you know enough to understan d algorithms, rather than on be coming a programmer. Though the re's no harm in going through i t if your motivation is the lat ter.
I know there are numerous tutorials on the same, but I f elt all of them had more conten t than was required in the bare minimum.
I'll be using c++ si nce it's the only language I'm familiar with. Once you learn o ne language, it's quite easy to pick up more languages if you are so inclined.
I will be usi ng terms/phrases that you may n ot initially understand. It doe sn't matter, as long as your co de is working as expected, that 's enough. You can anyway learn the rest later. But make sure you understand as much as possi ble from each example before mo ving on to the next one because the later concepts build on th e earlier ones. Also I'll be go ing at breakneck speed. :P
If you can think of an alternate w ay of doing something but aren' t sure if it'll work, try it ou t yourself. Programming experti se comes with practice.
And if you can't learn all of it in a n hour, don't be deterred. Not everyone can.
## Your first p rogram
You will need a compile r for the purpose. I would reco mmed Dev C++ (gcc) but you can download any compiler you choos e.
Once installed, create a ne w file.
This is the template f or all our code.
```
#include
using namespace std;
int main()
{
// your code goe s here
return 0;
}
```
I will not be explaining why we write all this. It's not important, a nd stays the same all the time.
We will now write a program t hat outputs a single statement "Hello world" on the screen. Co py-paste the following code:
` ``
#include
using na mespace std;
int main()
{
cout <<"Hello world";
return 0;
}
` ``
Save your file with file ex tension ".cpp".
Now click on " build and run" or "compile and run". This might be present on a toolbar on the main screen an d/or in one of the menus (menu usually titled build/execute/co mpile/something like that).
Wa it till it does its work and co nfirm that you receive the outp ut 'Hello world'.
If you get a n error that says anything to d o with iostream or cout, replac e "#include " with "# include ". If you g et an error that says anything to do with namespace, remove th e line "using namespace std;". If your error says something ab out int, main or return, replac e this:
```
int main()
{
cout <<"Hello world";
return 0;
}
` ``
With this:
```
void main()
{
cout<<"Hello world";
}
```
If none of this worked, try this:
```
#include
#inc lude
void main()
{
c out<<"Hello world";
getch();
}
```
Or:
```
#include
#include
void main ()
{
cout<<"Hello world";
get ch();
}
```
If it's still not w orking, ask someone who knows C ++ to help you. Getting your fi rst program running shouldn't t ake long.
## Input and output
We want a program that does th e following:
1. Display on the screen "Enter a number:" so tha t the user knows he has to ente r a number.
2. Accept a single number as input.
3. Display "Yo ur number is " followed by the number.
Yes it's a useless pro gram, it's just for learning pu rposes.
To accept a number as input, we need to create a spac e in memory where we can store the number. Since this number i s an integer, we will use the ' int' keyword.
We use cout<< an d cin>> for output and input re spectively.
```
#include
using namespace std;
#inc lude
using namespace std;
int main()
{
int x;
cou t<<"Enter a number: ";
cin>>x;
cout<<"Your number is: "<
usin g namespace std;
int main()
{
int x,y;
cout<<"Enter two numb ers: \n";
cin>>x>>y;
if(x>y)
{
cout<<"The first number "< > to chain the 'cin' statements together. Again it's just to save time typing.
In general we can write any number of statements in the if block or the else block. Once executi on of the entire block complete s, the program will resume from where the block ends. We can a lso create nested ifs (an if in side an if), feel free to exper iment with these on your own.
We can use the following operat ors in our condition statement: greater than (>), less than (< ), greater than or equal to (>= ), less than or equal to (<=), equal to (==).
We can also use the and operator (&&), or oper ator (||) and the not operator (!). For example, if we have to check that a=5 and b=3, we wil l use
```
if(a==5&&b==3)
```
## Loops - while loop
Perhaps the most important concept to b e learnt in programming.
Task: User enters a number. Program should output "hello" that many times.
For this we use a loop . A loop keeps repeating execut ion of a statement or a set of statements as long as a certain condition is met. The conditio n is important, since otherwise the loop will be an infinite l oop that doesn't know when to s top.
```
#include
u sing namespace std;
int main()
{
int n,i;
i=1;
cout<<"Enter a number: ";
cin>>n;
while(i <=n)
{
cout<<"hello\n";
i= i+1;
}
return 0;
}
```
Prob ably the statement that appears the weirdest on first sight is 'i=i+1'. How can i=i+1?
The e qual to is an assignment operat or here, meaning it assigns the expression on the right to the variable on the left. So the b est way to understand this is ' the future value of i is set to the current value of i+1'. The syntax is
variable = expressi on
Where an expression can be a variable/constant or a set of variables and/or constants joi ned by operators (like + - * / etc)
expression = expression
i s not allowed.
So in the above code, first the value of i is set to 1. Suppose the user ente rs the value 5 in n. Now the co ndition is checked. i<=n which is 1<=5 which is true. Hence th e computer executes the stateme nts in the loop block. It displ ays hello and sets the new valu e of i to be i+1, which is 2.
It then checks i<=n which is 2< =5. Which is still true so the loop repeats again.
So on and so forth until i becomes 6. Now 6<=5 is not true so the loop s tops executing and the program resumes after the loop. Since w e have nothing written after th e loop, the program terminates.
## For loop
For loop is the most commonly used loop. It has 3 parts - initialisation, cond ition and update expression. Ev erything that can be done with a for loop can be done with a w hile loop and vice versa. It's just a matter of convenience.
initialisation and update expre ssions are optional and consist of only assignment expressions (statements that use =)
The a bove code can be written using a for loop as follows:
```
#in clude
using namespac e std;
int main()
{
int n,i;
cout<<"Enter a number: ";
cin> >n;
for(i=1;i<=n;i=i+1)
{
c out<<"hello\n";
}
return 0;
}
```
The initial expression(s ) are executed exactly once jus t before the loop starts. The u pdate expression is executed af ter the execution of the loop b ody and before the condition is checked for the next iteration .
Note that if the condition i s false right at the start, the loop body and update expressio n will not execute even once. T he same is true for the while l oop.
## Prime testing
Here is a more complicated program usi ng loops. It asks for a number as input and checks if the numb er is a prime or not. It does s o by dividing the number with e very number from 2 to the squar e root of n and checking for th e remainders.
We have a modulu s operator (%) in C++ for check ing remainders. a%b returns the remainder when a is divided by b so 5%3=2 and 6%2=0 for examp le.
We will use a ready-made f unction which calculates square roots. This is present in "mat h.h" which is a header file tha t contains a lot of mathematica l functions such as sin, cos, t an, arccos, arctan, log, expone ntation, etc. Check them out he re.
```
#include
#i nclude
using namespace std;
int main()
{
int n,i,m,f lag;
cout<<"Enter a number: ";
cin>>n;
m=sqrt(n);
flag=999 ;
// flag = 999 means prime, f lag = 1000 means not a prime
f or(i=2;i<=m;i=i+1)
{
if(n%i == 0)
{
cout<>f>>x>>y>>z;
if(x>y)
cout<
using name space std;
int main()
{
int a[ 15];
int i;
cout<<"Enter 15 n umbers: \n";
for(i=0;i<15;++i)
cin>>a[i];
for(i=14;i>=0;-- i)
cout<
using n amespace std;
int main()
{
int a[15],i,max;
cout<<"Enter 15 numbers: \n";
for(i=0;i<15;++i )
cin>>a[i];
max=a[0];
for( i=1;i<15;++i)
if(a[i]>max)
max=a[i];
cout<<"Max value is : "<
using namespace st d;
int exp(int a,int b)
{
int i,r=1;
for(i=1;i<=b;++i)
r*= a;
return r;
}
int main()
{
int x,y;
cout<<"Enter x: ";
c in>>x;
cout<<"f(x)=(x+2)^x is being computed ....";
y= exp(x +2,x);
cout<<"f("< > 10^10^10^10^18705352
Yep. In fact it's proven that busy bea vers grow faster than any compu table sequence of numbers. Mean ing if you take any sequence of numbers f(n) then there exists an N such that sigma(n) > f(n) for all n>N
And your sequence could be anything that can be computed using infinite memory and finite time. So exponentati on, factorial, double exponenta tion, up arrow notation, g sequ ence (if you've read my post on graham's number), sigma(n) gro ws faster than all of them.
Th e intuitive idea is basically t hat if a sequence is computable (say, the g sequence), there e xists a Turing machine that can compute that sequence. And tha t naturally implies there exist larger Turing machines that ca n produce larger outputs. The e xact proof is not as simple tho ugh, unlike what I initially th ought
sigma(5) = 4098 is yet t o be proven as true because of the existence of 42 rogue Turin g machines that have yet to be proven as non-halting. They are the machines marked HNR in [th is post](http://skelet.ludost.n et/bb/nreg.html).
sigma(n) is an example of a non-computable function, meaning there exists no algorithm that can determine sigma(n). You might argue that we could write an algorithm th at runs all possible n state TM s simultaneously ... But some o f those might never halt and we cannot write an algorithm that determines if a TM halts or no t, as per the halting problem.
Here's an [article](https://ha l.archives-ouvertes.fr/hal-0039 6880v5/document) that compiles existing research on busy beave rs.
sigma(n) also is a functio n that will eventually produce unprovable values. It has been proved that value of sigma(n) f or all n≥1919 is unprovable.
This is different from just sa ying sigma(1919) is unknown, it 's more along the lines of we w ill never be able to know with certainty what sigma(1919) is.
But how does one prove that so mething is unprovable? You star t off with formalising the noti on of what does and does not co nstitute a proof. There are exi sting axiomatic systems (zermel o fraenkel, peano arithmetic, e tc) that attempt to provide a b ase set of axioms from which al l of mathematics follows.
Rece ntly a 1919-state machine has b een created that verifies the c onsistency of zf from within zf , which is an impossible task i f zf is indeed consistent. Henc e sigma(1919) is unprovable usi ng zf if zf is consistent (and most mathematicians believe it is).
The lower limit on the un provable values of sigma(n) is unknown. It is even possible th at 42 rogue 5-state machines (w hich are the reason sigma(5) ha s not yet been proved to be equ al to 4098) are indeed unprovab le as non-halting.
See the sec ond half of [this post](https:/ /johncarlosbaez.wordpress.com/2 016/05/21/the-busy-beaver-game/ ).
Kolgromov complexity is a r elated topic that you might als o like. Check out [this blog po st](https://johncarlosbaez.word press.com/2011/10/28/the-comple xity-barrier/).
text_english/person al/main/my_blog_from_2018/conta ct_me.md 000644 0007 65 000024 00000000475 1517775 3505 024563 0 ustar 00sa muel s taff 000000 000000 201 8-11-21
# Contact me
Samuel S hadrach
samuel.da.shadrach@gma il.com (personal email)
[REDACT ED] (whatsapp preferred)
I hav e an insta (samuel.da.shadrach) and a somewhat inactive FB acc ount.
P.S. Yes I'm the same gu y who did [this](http://iitdsoc ial.blogspot.com/2018/09/the-re veal-and-recipe-for-disaster.ht ml). text_english/perso nal/main/my_blog_from_2018/subt erfuge_strategia_tournament.md 000644 000 765 000024 00000014314 151777 53505 031136 0 ustar 00s amuel staff 000000 000000 20 26-04-02
Repost note
- All li nks are now broken, I awarded s ome people and ended the tourna ment in 2019 itself
2019-01-15
# Subterfuge Strategia tourna ment
Update: Direct entry to r ound 2 (starts 11th Feb 2018) i s being allowed due to round 1 clashing with minors in IITD
I n this post:
- Disclaimer
- I ntro (with link to registration )
- Reviews of the game
- Eve nt details
- Summary of the ru les in simple terms
- Eligibil ity
- Tentative schedule and t ournament structure
- Contact us
Disclaimer: We are not asso ciated with negotiation table o r its organisers. The format of our event is completely differ ent, being app-based and online . Also it is not a financial si mulation or a NeT-like simulati on, it would be best described as a war game.
**Intro**
Enjo yed IITD Negotiation Table?
Th en this event for you
Engage i n week-long battles of wits, di plomacy and strategy as you bat tle it out with your peers from other colleges across Delhi/NC R to claim the victory. Subterf uge is a mobile app game (avail able on play store and app stor e) that encourages critical and tactical thinking, forming all iances, and ofcourse ... backst abbing!
Attractive prizes up f or grabs
So what are you waiti ng for? Participate now
**Revi ews of the game**
- [Subterfug e is the most cunning game on i OS right now - Polygon](https:/ /www.polygon.com/2015/10/22/959 3670/subterfuge-is-the-most-cun ning-game-on-ios-right-now-here s-how-it)
- [Subterfuge review - An unsinkable strategy game - TouchArcade](https://toucharc ade.com/2015/10/15/subterfuge-r eview/)
- [Subterfuge is the s lowest, most ruthless mobile ga me ever - The Daily Dot](https: //www.dailydot.com/debug/subter fuge-ron-carmel-interview/)
- [Subterfuge was my favorite gam e of 2015 but I never want to p lay it again - Andreas Papathan ias](https://www.gamasutra.com/ blogs/AndreasPapathanasis/20160 323/268711/Subterfuge_was_my_fa vorite_game_of_2015_but_I_never _want_to_play_it_again.php)
- [Subterfuge is a strategy game for parents and busy people - K ill Screen](https://killscreen.